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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

453 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 11/01/2022 15:18

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

OP posts:
llanwrst2 · 11/01/2022 18:06

Politely decline, ask if the ceremony will be streamed so you can watch it.

Sally872 · 11/01/2022 18:06

If you are still interested in the family holiday and seeing your friend then the 3 of you should go for the holiday and you attend wedding while dh watches dd. Don't ask for an exception because a toddler really is the most awkward age for the wedding. When you rsvp for you but not dh she may change things for you but I wouldn't ask.

Equally say no if holiday no longer appeals as going to wedding alone will be awkward and as you are travelling across the world it is a bit awkward friend is not making it easier for you.

Crayzeefrog · 11/01/2022 18:09

This is why we told people their kids were not invited as soon as we had a date and venue.

Don’t be cheeky and ask. Just say ‘im so so sorry but DD will be too little for me to leave her for so long and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her with someone she doesn’t know so I really can’t think of a way we can come’

If she’s willing to make an exception she will let you know

However covid is likely to make it almost impossible for you to go, especially without quarantine so I would say that and the long flight with a toddler are your issues and forget the whole thing

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 11/01/2022 18:10

I love how on these threads different social norms come out- also Irish and also 100% would bring a granny (and grandad) to Europe for a wedding. Would also never expect to bring my kids to a wedding unless a siblings and even then it's not 100% guaranteed. (Ironically the Irish/English kids at a funeral customs are the opposite 🤷‍♀️)

And to the poster who though the mum who left her baby to go away did it because she was a doner ivf baby I can tell you my own very biological child- conceived and delivered vagingally was left at 4 weeks for a girls night and 8 weeks for a weddings

PermanentTemporary · 11/01/2022 18:13

I've just realised she's talking about flying a 2 year old to Australia... I mean, obviously people do it, but I stumbled off a 4.5 hour flight with a 2 year old mumbling 'never again'

AgentJohnson · 11/01/2022 18:14

Why can’t you attend the wedding alone and your partner stays with the baby in the hotel? If the wedding was going to be a stopover as part of a longer holiday with your partner, I can’t understand why my suggestion isn’t the solution. How much of a catch up will you be having with this woman on her wedding day with a toddler wanting to be entertained.

I get the impression that you want your friend to make an exception because you don’t want to attend the wedding without your partner, who would otherwise be the natural childcare option.

HermioneWeasley · 11/01/2022 18:14

Like fuck would I take a child that age to Australia - the flight will be a nightmare as will jet lag - it will be a really difficult holiday.

Lulu1919 · 11/01/2022 18:16

How old will your baby be by the time of the wedding ?
Can you even afford to go ? Take the time off work etc
Just if you go with baby and husband/partner to the area of wedding for a holiday you go to wedding for the day and husband and baby have the day without you.
Otherwise
Dear Friend
So sorry but due to having a small child and the distance to your wedding I shall be unable to join you.

Quackpot · 11/01/2022 18:18

Politely decline

Nodancingshoes · 11/01/2022 18:19

Assuming it is Australia I wouldnt be able to go either and my kids are 15 and 11! I have no one to leave them with for the10 days (at least - you can't really go to Oz for a week) It is absolutely unreasonable to say no kids to this kind of wedding

Ohmybod · 11/01/2022 18:19

Don’t overthink the reply. Keep it simple with a polite decline stating that you have considered a few possible childcare options but ultimately you can’t come to the wedding. She can either accept this gracefully or offer you the chance to bring your DC.

Honestly, I think you’ve dodged a bullet not having to do that flight with a baby.

HaveringWavering · 11/01/2022 18:20

I then heard that the baby was conceived by IVF and also donor egg (shortly before they moved back to another country the mum told me). So I am guessing maybe she felt easier leaving the baby with the father and grandparents.

Is there an emoji for “most batshit thing ever written on Mumsnet”?

Hathertonhariden · 11/01/2022 18:22

It's not going to be much of a reunion on a day when the bride has to mingle with all the guests. Is she expecting to get together in the run-up as well? Would going solo to the actual wedding work for you (and assuming the b&g don't get stroppy with that as a solution).

I couldn't justify spending all that money to do the whole thing solo. Will you know other people at the wedding? If so, do they have children that you could share sitting arrangements with? You know the bride - is she just not thinking about the logistics or is she just assuming you won't be there? That would be a big factor in the decision.

Anotherviewtoyou · 11/01/2022 18:22

@AgentJohnson

Why can’t you attend the wedding alone and your partner stays with the baby in the hotel? If the wedding was going to be a stopover as part of a longer holiday with your partner, I can’t understand why my suggestion isn’t the solution. How much of a catch up will you be having with this woman on her wedding day with a toddler wanting to be entertained.

I get the impression that you want your friend to make an exception because you don’t want to attend the wedding without your partner, who would otherwise be the natural childcare option.

I agree. I see no reason for the holiday to not go ahead as planned and her DH and toddler to have a nice day out together when she is at the wedding.

Unless they are one of those couples incapable of going anywhere on their own or who won’t leave their child at all.

fishonabicycle · 11/01/2022 18:24

Well, first check she definitely means no children. Then you either decline, or still have your holiday and you attend the wedding while your partner does something with your child that day. It's not difficult!

burnoutbabe · 11/01/2022 18:24

@Hathertonhariden

It's not going to be much of a reunion on a day when the bride has to mingle with all the guests. Is she expecting to get together in the run-up as well? Would going solo to the actual wedding work for you (and assuming the b&g don't get stroppy with that as a solution).

I couldn't justify spending all that money to do the whole thing solo. Will you know other people at the wedding? If so, do they have children that you could share sitting arrangements with? You know the bride - is she just not thinking about the logistics or is she just assuming you won't be there? That would be a big factor in the decision.

This.

Surely the catch up would not just be day off wedding for a 5 min chat?

I'd go as you planned, as a holiday with wedding during it. Go alone to actual ceremony. That part is just a few hours isn't it, nor sure why that is impossible to manage alone?

Anotherviewtoyou · 11/01/2022 18:25

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I love how on these threads different social norms come out- also Irish and also 100% would bring a granny (and grandad) to Europe for a wedding. Would also never expect to bring my kids to a wedding unless a siblings and even then it's not 100% guaranteed. (Ironically the Irish/English kids at a funeral customs are the opposite 🤷‍♀️)

And to the poster who though the mum who left her baby to go away did it because she was a doner ivf baby I can tell you my own very biological child- conceived and delivered vagingally was left at 4 weeks for a girls night and 8 weeks for a weddings

Also Irish and yes norm is to go ahead and get a family member to look after child while you’re at the wedding! Would also presume child free unless otherwise specified or it was a sibling.

That poster @Gonnagetgoing is as ignorant a person as I’ve ever come across.

grapewine · 11/01/2022 18:25

No way would I be planning to go to Australia anytime soon with a small child and definitely not for a wedding with no children invited.

HaveringWavering · 11/01/2022 18:25

Thinking about it OP, this is not really about whether you can or can’t go to the wedding without your daughter, it’s about whether you’d be prepared to go without your husband. Because in the grand scheme of the plan to go on holiday to Australia as a family, the wedding is just a little part of that and the obvious solution is for your DH to spend the day doing something else with DD. It also sounds like it’s an old friend of yours, does your DH even know her?

How do you and he feel about that option?

(Though tbh if you are not up for attending without DH then I think you may have dodged a bullet as travelling to Aus for a holiday with a child about to turn 2 is likely to be really hard going. Maybe your mate knew this and is helping you out by giving you a reason to decline for your own sanity? Grin)

chaosrabbitland · 11/01/2022 18:26

just simply sorry i wont be able to go , cant leave the baby , shes too young , it would have only cost you a fortune to go anyway and you will no doubt need that money for the babys things as she grows bigger

id never ever attend a destination wedding personally as unless your getting your airfare , all expenses and accomadation paid they are an utter pisstake

FireworkParrot · 11/01/2022 18:27

I think in the circumstances you describe then you all go for your holiday as planned and you attend the wedding alone whilst your DH looks after your toddler for the day. I had to do similar when my friend had a no child wedding on the other side of the country, we all went and viewed it as a holiday and I just attended the ceremony and the photos afterwards (alone), DH looked after DD for a couple of hours. I didn't attend the reception as it was miles away from the ceremony venue but I felt at least I'd seen my good friend get married.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/01/2022 18:27

Of course you can't go. Unless you hire a nanny for the occasion from an agency with an impeccable reputation but it will cost you.

CorneliusVetch · 11/01/2022 18:27

@HaveringWavering

I then heard that the baby was conceived by IVF and also donor egg (shortly before they moved back to another country the mum told me). So I am guessing maybe she felt easier leaving the baby with the father and grandparents.

Is there an emoji for “most batshit thing ever written on Mumsnet”?

I know, astonishing. I thought the age discrimination comment was going to be the most ridiculous thing someone said on this thread but, hey, I underestimated Mumsnet.
Talipesmum · 11/01/2022 18:28

@HaveringWavering

Hi FriendName Got the invitation today, love the [sparkly rainbow/gold hearts/purple unicorn] design and the venue sounds fab, glad you were able to get it booked. I know we talked about me coming over for it, but the thing is that it’s not going to be possible for us to attend and not bring [daughtername] because she’ll still be too little for any sort of childcare by then. If you’re definitely not up for having any children there (which we completely understand) then I’m afraid we’ll have to give it a miss and maybe have a holiday to visit you and [fiancé] in Aus another time instead. Love OP
If you wouldn’t be happy to have the holiday with your OH and daughter, then attend the wedding by yourself while he looks after your daughter, then this is what I’d say.

But if you are both happy for him to look after your daughter for the duration of the wedding, but the rest of the holiday as planned, then I’d send a version of the above accepting for yourself, but explaining that of course your OH won’t be able to attend the wedding as he will be looking after your daughter for the day.

Mustreadabook · 11/01/2022 18:29

Before children I used to imagine it was easy to get babysitters. Perhaps she doesn’t realise it’s impractical.