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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

453 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 11/01/2022 15:18

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

OP posts:
Keepitonthedownlow · 11/01/2022 18:58

Have your DH watch child while you go to the wedding reception

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 11/01/2022 18:58

Random question - with all the travel restrictions would you even be able to visit Australia?

Dillydollydingdong · 11/01/2022 18:59

Obviously you have to decline. Tell her you've got a baby and wouldn't be happy to leave it behind!

BoredZelda · 11/01/2022 19:03

Take the baby, your husband can look after them.

BeeDavis · 11/01/2022 19:04

My wedding is no children, honestly she will clearly be expecting that some people can’t come because of this. It won’t be a surprise to her. It’s her wedding so just say you cant attend, it’s that simple.

AgathaAllAlong · 11/01/2022 19:06

Husband look after child, problem sorted.

pinkpirlie · 11/01/2022 19:11

When is the wedding? You can't even get into Australia at the moment as a tourist and they haven't announced yet when that may change.
I'm applying for an exemption at the moment to go with my Australian partner in April, and it's a right faff.

bonetiredwithtwins · 11/01/2022 19:13

DH and I planned to go together with the baby or toddler to be and treat it as a holiday just with a stop at the wedding

So what's the issue then? Your DH just watches her during the ceremony? It's a few hours out of what will presumably be several days holiday?

lunar1 · 11/01/2022 19:14

I wouldn't go. If I'm spending all that money, taking annual leave, both of which are precious commodities, I wouldn't be leaving my husband and child. We get little enough holiday time as it is.

Just decline and save yourself the hassle.

cakewench · 11/01/2022 19:20

Have seen your further post. I wouldn't worry too much about wording, just let her know you've now seen that it's a childfree wedding, which unfortunately means you'll be unable to make it.

Don't ask for an exception; she'll be getting that from everyone and there's always the chance she was thinking of your small child when she came up with the idea. You probably don't want to know for sure and the asking will put you both in an awkward position.

TBH if it was my BFF, I'd be inclined to go with your DP and you attend the wedding while he stays with his child. If accommodation is close enough you can dip out for short periods, if you feel you need to. Attending a wedding on your own isn't the end of the world, especially if this is an old friend and you have a high chance of catching up with others while you're there.

Notjustabrunette · 11/01/2022 19:22

I’m assuming she doesn’t have kids. People who don’t have kids don’t get it, which is understandable. You just have to explain that as a parent of a young child you cannot travel abroad without your child. It is unfair on the child, the parents and whoever is supposed to look your child.

The only way around it would be if you are staying in a resort they may have a babysitting service which you could use for a few hours on the wedding day.

Kitkat151 · 11/01/2022 19:23

Go as,planned without your DH ....he can take baby out for the day

Gazelda · 11/01/2022 19:25

To be fair, friend might have been tying herself in knots whether to send the invite or not. If she sent it, she risks being accused of not understanding what it's like to have DC, so obviously doesn't like the OP. If she didn't send an invite, she obviously doesn't like the op. It would clearly have been better to have a phone convo to clarify before sending the invite though.

OP, I'd reply something along the lines of
"Unfortunately we won't be able to come to your wedding on x date as DD is too young to leave for so long, particularly as it clashes with her birthday. But I'm so thrilled for you both, and can't wait to see the pics"

DillDanding · 11/01/2022 19:26

I would just say ‘we’d love to come, but as it’s no kids, we can’t’.

Simple.

As someone who finds weddings a bore, I’d say she’s done you a favour. Plus, kids at weddings are annoying, so I don’t blame her.

C152 · 11/01/2022 19:30

@SunnySideUp2020

Haven't read all the answers but to clarify:

It is in Australia, I live in Europe as an expat in a country where I don't know anyone yet (just moved).
My daughter never stayed with anyone and since we have no friends or family around isn't able to stay with anyone. Covid and all... she isn't very social in that sense.
I am also not comfortable just dropping her off with some hotel childcare. That's just a personal thing, maybe I will change my mind when she is older but right now this is how I feel.
DH and I planned to go together with the baby or toddler to be and treat it as a holiday just with a stop at the wedding. It would also be my little gi
One 2y birthday in the same week.
Taking DHs mum would be quite costly and she works. A lot. And also holidaying with the MIL wouldn't be the same.

I was just wondering how to put it really? Or do I even ask to be an exception or just forget about it?

I don't understand why you're worrying over "how to put it". The usual process is you'll be sent an invitation with an RSVP card to return. The RSVP will only ask you to confirm whether you're coming or not, not demand why you can't come.

If your friend receives your RSVP and asks why you ticked 'No' (i.e. you're not attending), then you cay say you'd love to, but you aren't able to travel without your baby and don't feel comfortable leaving her with anyone else at this stage. End of story. A friend will understand.

Sceptre86 · 11/01/2022 19:31

I agree with you in that I wouldn't leave my baby with a hotel babysitting service. Taking your mil along is all fair and well if she would want to and you could afford it but you'd rather not which is fair enough. If she is that close a friend and you'd factored in cost anyway I would go to the reception and leave your baby with your dh. You haven't said why you would be unable to do this for a few hours? Surely even if it is for the actual ceremony and you skip the reception?

Posters who suggest flying out a relative for babysitting duties are privileged!

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 11/01/2022 19:32

Has "keep your plans and DH look after DD for the day" become the new 'cancel the cheque'?!!!

IT HAS BEEN SAID SO MANY TIMES - FOR GOODNESS SAKE! THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY!

Original poster
SunnySideUp2020 · 11/01/2022 19:43

She is not having a destination wedding, she is from there. We met and lived together in the UK. I am not from Australia. Never been there...
Her wedding isn't in a part of Oz i am personally interested in but I would have gone for her if it meant we all could go to the wedding. DH met her and her fiance before.
But no I wouldn't ask him to not come to look after DD. I Don't think that's fair. Unless he offers obviously.

That being said reading some replies here some of you might be right...
First I am not even sure ill be able to go with covid.
And even though I have travelled a lot with DD for the 9 months she s been here and on long hauls too but it is becoming increasingly hard to do it. She wants to move, she gets cranky, not as easy to just carry her around etc...
And so it might not be the best time to actually do our big tour of Australia when she will be turning 2.

Btw i totally understand why childfree couples won't have kids at their wedding. And their invite states that they want people to enjoy the day... not look after their kids.
I used to think that way. Now that I am a mum I would not ask people to leave their little ones to come to my wedding though... because I know it's not just "find a babysitter and sorted".

I won't ask for an exception but there was a good way of putting it earlier in the thread. Will use the suggestion.

Thanks everyone for all the replies.
But whoever mentioned ivf mom being able to leave the kid easily because it s donor egg ... i don't think it is related. In fact I know it's not.

OP posts:
mugglenutmeg · 11/01/2022 19:56

I absolutely understand how travelling as well as the thought of leaving DD with a strange babysitter etc. would be impossible. Your friend could never understand until she is a mum one day. Having said that, she is not doing anything wrong, she in entitled to the wedding she wants.

I'd just say 'I'm so sorry we're going to have to decline your invite, unfortunately because it is a child free wedding and away from home, it will be impossible for us to attend due to us not having anyone DD knows to look after her.
I really am gutted, but wishing you a wonderful day filled with special memories and I cannot wait to see the photos!'

I might also suggest a way you could conveniently meet up at some stage to celebrate.

LessTime · 11/01/2022 19:57

Why don’t you go for a holiday before the wedding and go and see you friend for a for a prewedding catch up. ( you also won’t have to pay for a seat for your child on the return journey as she will be under 2)

minniep · 11/01/2022 20:05

OP I totally understand a child free wedding and I'd personally never ever assume children were invited to a wedding but I am gobsmacked that someone would expect their friend to travel across the world for a wedding and not invite the friends partner and children. Id be delighted and so touched if a friend was making such an effort and expense for my wedding I'd be so thrilled to see her and her family there. I'd just let her know that you can't go and not make a big thing if it.
Also laughing here at the Irish Posters who are saying that it's normal here for grandparents to always babysit for weddings etc. Mine babysit under duress while DC was very unwell in hospital I can't even imagine the reaction if I expected a weeks holiday babysitting 🤣🤣🤣.

SherBear1971 · 11/01/2022 20:06

Thank you so much for the invitation to your wedding but unfortunately we won't be able to attend. We hope you have a fantastic day and can't wait to see the photos and hear all about it.

Covidclaire · 11/01/2022 20:13

OP your friend is expecting you to go, and I assume she’s not totally stupid. And surely can’t be expecting you to leave your child behind and go on a jaunt to the other side of the world.

So why don’t you ask her if she’s got any suggestions for childcare? Maybe one of her friends has a nanny who would be happy to work for the day? You never know, she may say bring the kid with you under the circumstances. Or she may come up with a great option and you and your DH can have a great time alone at the wedding and then enjoy a fab holiday.

Mellowyellow222 · 11/01/2022 20:18

I’m not really sure why you need our advice on this?

You don’t want to go without your child. The invitation says no children so you can’t go?

Lots of people decline invitations- you send back the rsvp and send a nice gift.

You aren’t immediate family so I doubt the bride will be surprised or upset.

Frazzled2207 · 11/01/2022 20:24

You can’t go. Just be honest.

Tbf I don’t think people without children know what it’s like. They think it’s easy just to leave with grandparents etc. I was certainly quite ignorant.

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