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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

453 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 11/01/2022 15:18

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

OP posts:
Paperplain · 11/01/2022 17:22

@RampantIvy

I was just wondering how to put it really?

"Due to not being able to get any childcare, unfortunately we will have to decline your invitation"

Just how easy will be to get to Australia anyway?

Not possible at the moment on a tourist visa. So maybe a no-go anyway!!
Lougle · 11/01/2022 17:23

Yes, given her age, if you were planning to incorporate a holiday anyway, you just go alone and let your DH take care of your DD for the day.

RenGreen · 11/01/2022 17:23

Not quite the other side of the world but I had my youngest who was 2 and was having some health issues. We took my mum with us and she looked after my 2 year old. It was very stressful though as she was on meds so DH had to go back and give her the meds. We also had to pay for mum.

GullyGawk · 11/01/2022 17:24

Going to Australia now isn’t very easy anyway, have you checked it’s possible to even get tickets..? Because we haven’t managed it, plus spending time isolating before is not fun. And who knows with new strains of covid on the way. It’s just a wedding. Wait a couple of years when your children are older and then go see them, on a nice holiday!

Arethechildreninbedyet · 11/01/2022 17:25

Unfortunately she doesn’t give a toss.

‘Sorry, I hadn’t realise X wasn’t invited. Unfortunately we won’t be able to come. I can’t wait to see the pictures though.’

Chunkymenrock · 11/01/2022 17:28

Can't your H look after the baby in the hotel while you go to the ceremony?

Idontevenknow · 11/01/2022 17:28

I wouldn't go. I also wouldn't ask for an exception, she knows you have a child. If you explain clearly the reasons you can't go then she can always come back to you then with an invite for your child, if she wants to. But asking makes it awkward for her and then you even more if she says a firm no. Take the invitation at face value and politely decline.

PleasantBirthday · 11/01/2022 17:30

I wouldn't ask for an exception, she already knows you have a child and if she wanted to make exceptions, she'd offer. She hasn't offered and I'd take that as a pretty broad hint.

KiloWhat · 11/01/2022 17:30

If you want to go with your child then say you are really sorry but you can't leave your child thar long so won't be able to come. She might be expecting it tbh and just inviting you to be polite. If she is willing to make an exception for you she will let you know

MaroonedInDallas · 11/01/2022 17:31

Having a destination wedding means you should know that people who might otherwise be there may well not attend because of the expense and the travel. If you throw a ‘no kids’ policy into the mix, then you should know that you’re cutting your guest list down yet further. Politely decline the invitation as you’ll hardly be going along without your little one, and think no more about it!

NowEvenBetter · 11/01/2022 17:31

Just forget it, choosing a wedding on the other side of the planet means barely any guests-which is likely the plan. Plenty of suggestions in your thread on how to say nah.
‘Have an amazing day! Can’t wait to see the pics, I can’t attend of course’, no need to overthink it.

WimpoleHat · 11/01/2022 17:31

FWIW, I fucking HATE 'destination weddings,' and I hate them even more when the couple (usually the woman moreso) gets pissy when people start saying they can't come...

This - absolutely. Same for child free weddings. Do whatever you like, wherever you like….but remember that it simply isn’t as important to anyone else but you and your affianced spouse, and people are unlikely to want to inconvenience themselves massively just to come to your party.

LowlandLucky · 11/01/2022 17:32

Just say thanks but no thanks. I never accept invitations to O/S weddings, why on earth should your hard earned money and holidays be spent on some selfish couple that think they are so special that you should traipse across the world to watch them say " i do"

MrsDrDear · 11/01/2022 17:34

No chance would I travel to Australia for a wedding, kids or no kids.

RSVP no thank you.

Porcupineintherough · 11/01/2022 17:35

@LowlandLucky

Just say thanks but no thanks. I never accept invitations to O/S weddings, why on earth should your hard earned money and holidays be spent on some selfish couple that think they are so special that you should traipse across the world to watch them say " i do"
Absolutely nowhere does it say this is a destination wedding. Given that it's Australia isnt it more likely that the bride or groom has family there or even lives there?
Bogofftosomewherehot · 11/01/2022 17:35

@Liathroid

Can you bring someone with you to mind the baby on the wedding day? Haven’t been in this situation myself but any friends who were brought a sibling/friend/grandparent who minded the child.
That's one expensive solution for a day of babysitting!!!
Wfhquery · 11/01/2022 17:35

@Liathroid

Can you bring someone with you to mind the baby on the wedding day? Haven’t been in this situation myself but any friends who were brought a sibling/friend/grandparent who minded the child.
That expensive if it’s the other side of world
gogohm · 11/01/2022 17:39

I would write an email (easier than talking) explaining that due to the distance you cannot travel without your baby and that you were planning on combining coming to the wedding with a holiday due to how expensive it is to travel to Australia

cantbelieveit2022 · 11/01/2022 17:41

I think, although OP hasn't made this clear, the bride is from Australia. So she hasn't chosen to have a wedding on the other side of the world for the sake of it, it's her home.

Also, OP is an expat currently in Europe - perhaps she's from Australia herself. So no visa issues getting back to Australia during covid now.

Phos · 11/01/2022 17:46

You don't go. It's perfectly reasonable for people to have kid free weddings and fine for those who cannot leave their kids to attend to decline for that reason.

Dixiechickonhols · 11/01/2022 17:47

If it’s just the wedding for a few hours you could all go to Australia (covid permitting) and DH and 2yr old have a day together. Maybe ask for details for what she’s planning and where to see how feasible.

Sunshine4you · 11/01/2022 17:50

Take your mum with you? And get her to stay in the hotel with your baby whilst you attend the wedding? That's what I would do. I wouldn't want to attend my friend's wedding with baby in tow anyway!

HaveringWavering · 11/01/2022 17:57

Hi FriendName
Got the invitation today, love the [sparkly rainbow/gold hearts/purple unicorn] design and the venue sounds fab, glad you were able to get it booked. I know we talked about me coming over for it, but the thing is that it’s not going to be possible for us to attend and not bring [daughtername] because she’ll still be too little for any sort of childcare by then. If you’re definitely not up for having any children there (which we completely understand) then I’m afraid we’ll have to give it a miss and maybe have a holiday to visit you and [fiancé] in Aus another time instead. Love OP

CorneliusVetch · 11/01/2022 17:59

@SpiderinaWingMirror

Message her to clarify? We have been so looking forward to the wedding. Obviously we can't attend without little Flora, but the invitation mentions no children? Can I check if this applies to babies in arms?
I personally wouldn’t class an 18 month old as a babe in arms. I think it’s the worst age for a wedding actually (and a flight!!!)
daretodenim · 11/01/2022 18:03

Even if children were invited, given how Australia has been with covid measures over the pandemic, I'd be hesitant to book any trip there other than a last minute one when you know what the current measures are in real time.

With an 18 month old, I'd not travel that long in a confined space! Some kids are fine, but when they're not, as mine weren't, that would be an absolute nightmare!