Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

453 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 11/01/2022 15:18

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 12/01/2022 18:22

@Momicrone

Would it be that rude? Really? Surely friend would be so happy getting married she'd barely notice
Yes of course she won't notice a toddler running round at the wedding she specifically said no child were attending. Brides never notice the smallest detail on their wedding day. They certainly ky won't notice the child.

Of course other people she knows who haven't brought their children, as requested, won't notice a child and comment.

Of course at no point between now and then, will the conversation of who she has booked as child care, when the op accepts and says both her and her dh are attending.

Hmm
Mandyjack · 12/01/2022 18:24

If she's making restrictions like that in another country chances are a few won't go.

Merryoldgoat · 12/01/2022 18:32

Brides never notice the smallest detail on their wedding day. They certainly ky won't notice the child.

There were a series of small fires during the speeches at my wedding and I didn’t notice them…

Mellowyellow222 · 12/01/2022 18:35

@Mandyjack

If she's making restrictions like that in another country chances are a few won't go.
She is having the wedding at home - it just happens to be in a different country to where OP lives.

I think everyone is overestimating the important of OPs attendance at the wedding.

I suspect the border would be pleased to see her but won’t be changing anything to accommodate this one guest.

AlDanvers · 12/01/2022 18:45

@Merryoldgoat

Brides never notice the smallest detail on their wedding day. They certainly ky won't notice the child.

There were a series of small fires during the speeches at my wedding and I didn’t notice them…

Ah well that's it then, definitley won't notice a child thats at the wedding all day. Because you didn't notice something while concentrating on speeches. 🙄
twinmum2007 · 12/01/2022 19:04

@Gonnagetgoing

Hmmm this is interesting but maybe is different due to the circumstances.

We had neighbours live next door to us for approx 6 months and they had a baby who was turning 1 in the autumn. The mum left her twice with her grandmother in another European country, once with her husband in tow and once just by herself and with her older sister (5 at the time).

They were moving from across the Atlantic here though and it was tricky to do a lot of things with the baby.

I then heard that the baby was conceived by IVF and also donor egg (shortly before they moved back to another country the mum told me). So I am guessing maybe she felt easier leaving the baby with the father and grandparents.

For me personally, I couldn't leave a young baby (especially a year old) just to go to a wedding on the other side of the world and would have to bring them with me. Whether it involved a holiday or not with grandparents minding the baby is another matter but that would be a huge financial cost. So it'd probably be a no from me.

What the??? You seriously think that a baby from a donor egg might be easier to leave with someone else? You know that babies from ivf and donor eggs are born the same way as 'normally conceived ones' right? They're not grown in petrie dishes. Jeez.
WimpoleHat · 12/01/2022 19:11

I literally said in my post that i'd fully accept the declining of the invite

You did, yes - but the OP’s post implies that she doesn’t feel like the bride in this case would do. And, judging by the frequency with which these threads come up, a lot of brides don’t accept that either….

Faywithoutane · 12/01/2022 19:14

Might just be that they don't want every child to be there (as in for numbers, it could easily double the size of a wedding party), but of you say we would love to but would need to bring DC they might say that's fine we thought you might say that and you are more then welcome to bring DC they may just stick to the no we don't want children there.

cherish123 · 12/01/2022 19:15

Just tell her you can't go.

Tigger1895 · 12/01/2022 19:25

You simply say unfortunately we are unable to accept, no reason necessary. People do this as they know people will decline the invitation due to additional costs and family situations. It’s cost saving to them as numbers automatically reduce.

Mumkins42 · 12/01/2022 19:25

I don't think you need to give any explanation other than I really would have loved to be there but I need to be here for (baby's name).

jimmyjammy001 · 12/01/2022 19:29

So this isn't an overseas wedding then?? She's getting married in her own country with all her family and friends and you live in another country?! Talk about confusing everybody with the title!
Unfortunately no children means no children, you will simply jsut have to decline,
For everyone says it won't matter, nobody wants a child screaming and crying at their wedding, especially if theirs nothing to keep the kids occupied, parents won't be able to drink and relax as they will be looking after their child the whole time, They will have to leave early in order to put children to bed etc

Dnaltocs · 12/01/2022 19:33

Prioritise, your darling baby or a friend who’s aware you have a child who intentionally says that no children are welcomed.
I’m thinking you may be her friend but she’s not yours.
Enjoy your child.

burnoutbabe · 12/01/2022 19:40

Why won't the op ask her husband to look after the baby for one day so she can attend. Surely lots of blokes aren't fussed about attending a wedding.

Assuming you wanted to travel to Australia for 3-3 weeks and spend one day at wedding, why is it suddenly not something that's possible? I am really not understanding why it's a huge issue and whole trip not possible.

Or even local babysitter -brides mum may know someone suitable locally.

Mammyloveswine · 12/01/2022 19:47

Whens the wedding? Your baby is one so no longer a babe in arms.. how old will they be at the time of the wedding? Could you make a holiday out of it and DP keep the little one so you can attend?

WhatToDo1988 · 12/01/2022 19:53

Decline. She'll either understand or end the friendship. And if she does react badly, why would you want to continue being her friend? It's pretty clear cut really.

Lovely13 · 12/01/2022 20:03

If my close friend has recently had a baby and I invited her to a wedding down the road, but said she couldn’t bring the baby, I would think I was a really rubbish friend. Abroad?!? Politely decline and enjoy your time with your child.

AngelinaFibres · 12/01/2022 20:06

She is absolutely reasonable to want to go back home to get married. Presumably if she didn't then many, many of her family members would have to travel across the world to attend a UK wedding She is also perfectly well allowed to say no children. Your lives are in very different places now and that is how it goes sometimes. Is your friend having a video made of the wedding. Or is there a live stream of it. That would be a way for you to be part of it but not have the difficulties and expense of going half way around the world.

LovelyIssues · 12/01/2022 20:09

You've answered your own question...

Zipper666 · 12/01/2022 20:16

Uh...maybe she meant SHE wasn't gonna have any kids?

Sorry - I'll get me coat....

AngelinaFibres · 12/01/2022 20:18

Friendships don't have to last forever. Sometimes they are brilliantly strong and sometimes they fade. They might be picked up again the future and can be as strong as if you were never apart. Sometimes they just disappear. A good and real friend is someone you can be honest with who understands and accepts your point of view. If you and the bride dont have this then the life of this particular friendship has come to a natural end

Offmyfence · 12/01/2022 20:22

@Broads93

I'm absolutely not having children at my wedding, I'm absolutely fine with people who won't attend because of it. Why should others have to make sacrifices to their wedding day for your kids? Just seems odd.
I'd be so pleased ... I could just say no I won't attend and I'd also have to make no sacrifices to attend your wedding.... bloody bliss!
TooOldToBeAGoth · 12/01/2022 20:24

Yes you can’t go.
Sorry to sound awful, but when you were excitedly talking about how lovely it will be to reunite etc, she prob knew that you weren’t going to be there.
You don’t send a “no kids” invite to someone with kids that you want there without a discussion beforehand, whether it’s a “we’re sending these invitations out as a formality but it doesn’t apply to you because your kid is very small / you’re family / your kid’s part of the wedding” or if it’s “sorry but this is what’s happening just so it doesn’t come as a shock”

Macanncheese · 12/01/2022 20:33

@TooOldToBeAGoth

Yes you can’t go. Sorry to sound awful, but when you were excitedly talking about how lovely it will be to reunite etc, she prob knew that you weren’t going to be there. You don’t send a “no kids” invite to someone with kids that you want there without a discussion beforehand, whether it’s a “we’re sending these invitations out as a formality but it doesn’t apply to you because your kid is very small / you’re family / your kid’s part of the wedding” or if it’s “sorry but this is what’s happening just so it doesn’t come as a shock”
Exactly this!
AliRowe54 · 12/01/2022 20:48

Yes. That’s what I would say too. I am a bit fed up of people who think it is ok to ban kids!!