Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

[SunnySideUp2020]

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

I had this situation too

Invite for wedding but no baby allowed (3 months), bridesmaid as well. Other side if the world

Was told I could leave baby with DH at home

When I said I was not going to be able to do this, she got very nasty and lots of old hurt came out, the main accusations being that so deliberately got a baby just before her wedding to try and steal the limelight

Some people are just so wrapped up in themselves, and genuinely think their BIG DAY should also be the biggest say in your life and to hell with newborns and living 11hr flight away and breastfeeding and all that attention seeking nonsense

She said it was a test, and i had failed and that it was typical of me to care more about my baby than about our friendship

You can't win these discussions

It's often the end of a friendship

Unfortunately it's not the fault or problem of the bride and groom if a parent has chosen to breastfeed and won't pump or use a bottle/start introducing it when they receive the invite and so start to plan.

I don't believe anyone has said it's the fault of the bride and groom... it's just a factor that some brides and grooms choose to take into consideration that leads them to make an exception for breastfed babies. They're not obliged to, it's just that some people think it's worth it if it means the parents of the baby can come.

As for planning and starting to introduce bottles in advance of a wedding... bit unreasonable to expect someone to "just" change their baby's entire diet - involving weeks of planning, including parents and baby all learning a whole new way of feeding, plus potentially affecting supply - for the sake of someone else's wedding. No one's wedding is that important. Easier to just not go.

Unfortunately it's not the fault or problem of the bride and groom if a parent has chosen to breastfeed and won't pump or use a bottle/start introducing it when they receive the invite and so start to plan.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realise it was my choice to have a bottle refuser.

No way would someone else’s wedding, which is a one day party, encroach on my life for longer than the actual day of the wedding.

I know this is not what the thread is about, but I think that wedding parties are gone done down the wrong road making it a huge deal, years ago it was a lot better when weddings were simpler and a bit shit.

@3luckystars I agree 😁
But most people love it... what can you do

From what you have said it is just not possible so politely decline. I wouldn't be going because of covid right now anyway. It is too much money to risk on flights/ restrictions changing.

We were invited to a wedding of a very good friend, in Australia this Sept our DC will only be 6 weeks old (or less) so was easy to decline! But I wouldn't have really wanted to book again with restrictions changing all the time. Even he is a very good friend of ours and came over here for our wedding. We said hopefully we make it over there some day

@3luckystars

No way would someone else’s wedding, which is a one day party, encroach on my life for longer than the actual day of the wedding.

I know this is not what the thread is about, but I think that wedding parties are gone done down the wrong road making it a huge deal, years ago it was a lot better when weddings were simpler and a bit shit.

Exactly - I know I'm totally biased but we were the first of our friends to get married and so had nothing to compare to and ours was cheap as chips in a roadside hotel function room but it was all about having a fun get together (and no rules about kids or anything although I don't think we knew many people with kids so was a non issue!) rather than all the extravagance and faff and people still tell me what a great wedding it was. It's about the people not the place .

Think its important to not keep calling this a destination wedding. The bride is getting married where she lives and where she grew up, I assume most of the guests will be local. Its just the OP as her "overseas" friend who has to travel.

We had lots of people travel internationally for our wedding- which was in a hotel about 30min drive from our house, just DH had lived overseas for a while, plus when we both lived in London we made loads of friends who weren't from the UK who we kept in touch with when they moved back to home countries. We were so grateful they travelled, but also weren't offended at all by those who couldn't make it.

I agree. Most weddings are a 'destination' for someone; doesn't make them destination weddings.

Weddings aren't nightclubs, you're not going to get chucked out cos you rick up with a baby

Makes total sense. She is just having a child free wedding. It just so happens that you have to travel. She wasn't going to make a decision on her wedding based on one friend who lives the world away.

@Momicrone

Weddings aren't nightclubs, you're not going to get chucked out cos you rick up with a baby

That's a massive risk for the op.

Fly to Australia, with dh and baby. Get to the wedding and someone comes up and tells her, the baby can't be there. Wasted trip and money and potentially ending the friendship?

All to go to a wedding she doesn't need to go to.

@Momicrone

Weddings aren't nightclubs, you're not going to get chucked out cos you rick up with a baby

But that was just be so rude.

Don't go. If the friend is a good one, she will completely understand. If she doesn't understand, is she really a friend. Don't think so.

Would it be that rude? Really? Surely friend would be so happy getting married she'd barely notice

@Momicrone

Would it be that rude? Really? Surely friend would be so happy getting married she'd barely notice

She has put no children on the invitation. I think it would be rude to ignore that.

Like arriving with a plus one when you haven’t been given one.

Maybe I am uptight though. I wouldn’t do it

@Momicrone

Would it be that rude? Really? Surely friend would be so happy getting married she'd barely notice

Lol. Yes it would be rude.

“Oh I came with my parents and SIL and old next door neighbour, they fancied a day out and I thought you’d be so happy getting married you wouldn’t notice!”

I'm absolutely not having children at my wedding, I'm absolutely fine with people who won't attend because of it. Why should others have to make sacrifices to their wedding day for your kids? Just seems odd.

@Hoppinggreen

Sorry but I can’t come?

Yep

I dont see why you don't do as planned, make it a holiday but ask your DH to look super bubba during the wedding? It is your friend so what is he missing? You can still have a lovely family holiday by going on the trip...
If this is not an option then you'll have to explain to your friend that with the little one

@Mumontour85

I dont see why you don't do as planned, make it a holiday but ask your DH to look super bubba during the wedding? It is your friend so what is he missing? You can still have a lovely family holiday by going on the trip... If this is not an option then you'll have to explain to your friend that with the little one

Accidentally pressed post too soon! 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

Explain that with little one and covid you are so sorry but you won't be able to attend. If she doesn't get it she's not a good friend, it is asking a lot to leave your child across the world from you or with strangers. Her wedding is most important thing to her - I'm sure your child is to you!!

Why should others have to make sacrifices to their wedding day for your kids?

They shouldn’t. But - equally - you shouldn’t to expect guests to make sacrifices for your wedding day, be that in quality of childcare/financial or whatever. Have the day you want. But accept that any constraints you place on it may mean that people decline your invitation.

I think you will just have to explain why you can't come. She must have known the no kids rule would mean some people wouldn't be attending. My friend did the opposite. She had a wedding and provided lots of kids activities so everyone could come, even if they had kids. If she is a good friend, I am sure she will understand.

She has obviously considered those who will say yes, those who are maybes and those who are likely to be no's.

It's what I did when people had to travel for my child-free wedding. She has probably already mentally placed you in the "maybe coming" pile so don't worry about how she will feel she would have already considered that you'll either get child care or not be able to come.

We were perfectly fine when people said they couldn't come because of child-care, it's what we expected.

@WimpoleHat

Why should others have to make sacrifices to their wedding day for your kids?

They shouldn’t. But - equally - you shouldn’t to expect guests to make sacrifices for your wedding day, be that in quality of childcare/financial or whatever. Have the day you want. But accept that any constraints you place on it may mean that people decline your invitation.

I literally said in my post that i'd fully accept the declining of the invite 🙄