Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

[SunnySideUp2020]

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

I really don’t see why this is up for debate sorry, you have a child and children are not welcome, end of story.

@Gonnagetgoing

Hmmm this is interesting but maybe is different due to the circumstances.

We had neighbours live next door to us for approx 6 months and they had a baby who was turning 1 in the autumn. The mum left her twice with her grandmother in another European country, once with her husband in tow and once just by herself and with her older sister (5 at the time).

They were moving from across the Atlantic here though and it was tricky to do a lot of things with the baby.

I then heard that the baby was conceived by IVF and also donor egg (shortly before they moved back to another country the mum told me). So I am guessing maybe she felt easier leaving the baby with the father and grandparents.

For me personally, I couldn't leave a young baby (especially a year old) just to go to a wedding on the other side of the world and would have to bring them with me. Whether it involved a holiday or not with grandparents minding the baby is another matter but that would be a huge financial cost. So it'd probably be a no from me.

What the fuck have I just read about IVF?

I wouldn't want to attend a wedding in a different country on my own if I had a partner. (For those suggesting dh stays at the hotel or whatever with the baby during the wedding) Bit different if local and so likely to know other guests etc but it could be a bit lonely. Most weddings I've been to single people have a plus one and bring a friend for this reason.

Posted to soon
I especially wouldn't want to leave husband and child to basically 'pop in' to a close friends wedding that I'd flown around the world for!
When kids are that little and in somewhere new it's not going to be relaxing being on your own at the wedding
Totally different if it was an hours drive or similar in the uk but it's a hell of a lot of effort to go all that way to attend on your own

Australia? Not a chance. Politely decline.

The baby will be about 18 months old by then, so why not just book a hotel babysitter for the day?
Presumably you will be staying in a hotel, most have staff who will look after your child at the hotel, or they use a local agency.

Bloody hell I'm never one to want to take kids to a wedding personally but if I was travelling to AUSTRALIA I'd want to be able to take my family over! I would just explain what a logistical nightmare would be

OP I think that at the end of the day this was a pipe dream but she’s probably done you a massive favour by discouraging you from travelling that far with a 2 year-old! It would not be a fun holiday!

@Frazzled2207

You can’t go. Just be honest.

Tbf I don’t think people without children know what it’s like. They think it’s easy just to leave with grandparents etc. I was certainly quite ignorant.

I know I am being defensive but there is a smugness I’m sometimes about people without children - bless them they don’t understand what it is like. I was the same out clubbing and have never even seen a baby, thought they were like cats to be honest!

I don’t have children - I do however have basic intelligence. I know that it is hard for new mums to leave their children. But maybe this lady had considered that and still doesn’t want children at her wedding. Because they cry and take over and run around. To be honest I love that - but not everyone does.

Especially not the dim childless folk who don’t really know what a baby is😂😂😂😂

OP, the answer is "thanks - I would love to be there, but I'm afraid it's not possible".

There is nothing on God's earth that would have convinced me to do this. It's a bloody wedding. It is not the event of the century. And even if it were, I still wouldn't go in your situation.

Hell would have frozen over before I left any of my DC until they were far, far older than yours. And that's even leaving aside the fact that it will be your DD's birthday.

Not Bloody Likely.

** OP, the answer is "thanks - I would love to be there, but I'm afraid it's not possible".

There is nothing on God's earth that would have convinced me to do this. It's a bloody wedding. It is not the event of the century. And even if it were, I still wouldn't go in your situation.**

^This. Your so called close friend didn’t even have the decency to pre warn you about no kids.

Aussie Mumsnetter here. I don't know about international visitors getting into the country but the rules for interstate travel keep changing.

We are getting huge amounts of positives everyday and I would not be risking traveling from overseas especially with a toddler. What happens if you arrive here and either you or your DH get a positive test and then have to quarantine?
Also a lot of restaurants and other venues are currently closed due to staff shortages. And rules limiting numbers to certain events are also changing all of the time. For me even without the logistics and expense of travelling with a toddler I would not be risking travelling to Australia in the current Covid climate.

She can’t expect you to leave your child in Europe when you go to Australia? That would be an unreasonable expectation.

I do think you should consider a local nanny. They might have a nice family friend or similar who wouldn’t mind babysitting? Perhaps your child and the nanny could even accompany you to the venue but keep to themselves if there is a separate area .

We had a destination wedding and we organised a crèche at the venue with a nanny, as so many of our friends had babies and toddlers at the time. I’m sure it was chaotic in there but they all managed to fall asleep eventually, and parents would pop in to feed or soothe every now and then. It was a compromise which helped us to have a child free reception.

I've never understood why people think 'babes in arms' should be exempted. Babies scream and cry, where as older children don't tend to. Babies especially are the reason why childfree weddings exist.

You just say you can’t go. End of story. If she’s booked a wedding abroad it’s means she has to understand loads of guests won’t attend.

Or, you go with the baby and your DH/DP if you have one. You all stay in a hotel nearby to the wedding and make it your holiday, you go to the ceremony alone then return to your DH and DC at your hotel- but only if you REALLY want to go and can afford it.

No way would I have left my DS to go abroad!

@Migrainesbythedozen

I've never understood why people think 'babes in arms' should be exempted. Babies scream and cry, where as older children don't tend to. Babies especially are the reason why childfree weddings exist.

I have no dog in this fight, but: 1) because they literally can't be left if they are exclusively breastfed, so some people exempt them so a loved one can attend; 2) because they sleep for long stretches, don't require a meal and don't run around. They can be taken out if they cry, whereas you can't take a 2yo out of the whole reception because they're being exuberantly loud and annoying in the way that only 2yos can.

If you're looking for a way to phrase it that doesn't make it awkward, phrase it as though you thought you'd be able to, and you really wish you could, but you've been trying to plan the logistics of it and you just can't think of a way to make it work.

And/or, mention the fact that DD is at a new stage of development that you hadn't factored in previously, so you won't be able to make it after all.

I had a baby at the beginning of Covid and there is no way I would leave her with a random stranger at a hotel. I think one thing that a lot of non-covid parents don't get is that most pandemic babies have had very little opportunity to be babysat. My LO is nearly 2 and she has been looked after TWICE by my mother, for a couple of hours, and ONCE by MIL without me and DH present. So travelling across the world and leaving them with a stranger... nah.

I've found a lot of my childless friends seem to think children are like pets or handbags or something... like it's just that simple to "just not bring them", or "just leave them with someone". Which I suspect is the reason for your friend assuming you could come and not mentioning it was child-free previously.

@ZoeTheThornyDevil Unfortunately it's not the fault or problem of the bride and groom if a parent has chosen to breastfeed and won't pump or use a bottle/start introducing it when they receive the invite and so start to plan. Their choice, but breastfeeding imo is not a valid reason. And if only parents would take the baby outside when it cries. Too many threads on here over the years have shown many/most don't, they remain seated while the baby screams it's head off.

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]@ZoeTheThornyDevil Unfortunately it's not the fault or problem of the bride and groom if a parent has chosen to breastfeed and won't pump or use a bottle/start introducing it when they receive the invite and so start to plan. Their choice, but breastfeeding imo is not a valid reason. And if only parents would take the baby outside when it cries. Too many threads on here over the years have shown many/most don't, they remain seated while the baby screams it's head off.[/quote]
...wow.

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]@ZoeTheThornyDevil Unfortunately it's not the fault or problem of the bride and groom if a parent has chosen to breastfeed and won't pump or use a bottle/start introducing it when they receive the invite and so start to plan. Their choice, but breastfeeding imo is not a valid reason. And if only parents would take the baby outside when it cries. Too many threads on here over the years have shown many/most don't, they remain seated while the baby screams it's head off.[/quote]
Seen it all now. You're seriously suggesting a mother should adjust her breastfeeding (often tantamount to quitting as it sabotages supply and many BF babies won't even take a bottle)? Aside from the fact that BF is as hard as hell to establish in the first place, all simply to 'plan ahead' for accommodating someone else's wedding?

Garn. You're trolling this thread for a laugh, aren't you?

@ZoeTheThornyDevil Wow what? All I did was state the truth. I don't know how long you've been on this site but there are many threads or discussions about weddings where people have said a baby screamed during the ceremony and the parents refused to take them outside. You can do a search on the topic if you don't believe me.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks Maybe you should read my post without inserting your own narrative into it. I NEVER at any point stated that that's what a mother should do. But that it's an option. If they don't want to do that, it's completely understandable. And it's their choice. BUT, it's also not the problem of the bride and groom.

Is that easy enough to understand?

Their choice, but breastfeeding imo is not a valid reason.

Quote from your post, not mine.

They don't need a valid reason for their parenting decisions or to justify themselves to you, Bridezilla, Groomzilla or anyone else. Which is all fair and good, provided BZ and GZ desist from erupting like Vesuvius over any declined invitation. And this, it seems, isn't an infrequent occurrence.

But the suggestion's hilarious, nonetheless.

I’ve been invited by a friend to their wedding a 300 mile drive away when my baby will be 3 months old and stated no children on the invite. Obviously I’ve declined but also find it quite offensive that they have even sent me an invite in the first place with how impractical that is!

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Their choice, but breastfeeding imo is not a valid reason.

Quote from your post, not mine.

They don't need a valid reason for their parenting decisions or to justify themselves to you, Bridezilla, Groomzilla or anyone else. Which is all fair and good, provided BZ and GZ desist from erupting like Vesuvius over any declined invitation. And this, it seems, isn't an infrequent occurrence.

But the suggestion's hilarious, nonetheless.

Ummmm Not a valid reason in the eyes of the B&G I meant. You're still not reading my posts and are inserting things or meanings I've never even said.