Have your parents become funny about childcare since covid?

[Longcovid21]

I was speaking with a colleague today who mentioned her parents are now reluctant to help with childcare since covid. I'm in the same boat. Mine in their 70s now refuse to do any child care and instead pop by to spend time with me outdoors. They will not sit in a house with the children and I as if we have become biohazards.

I am going away for a week with work and they refuse to help, citing covid risk, which leaves me truly buggered as exdp is working and cannot help (we also live 70 miles apart). Is this a common thing? I know they are in the vulnerable category etc., but given how much help they had off their parents when I was growing up this seems really unfair. Aibu?

At some point, they will become frail and need help from their grownup children; what goes around, comes around

And when they don't get it, their children can whistle for their inheritance what goes around, comes around...

I hate the tedious, smug trope that is trotted out every time a grandparent doesn't provide childcares as required.

@Longcovid21

I was speaking with a colleague today who mentioned her parents are now reluctant to help with childcare since covid. I'm in the same boat. Mine in their 70s now refuse to do any child care and instead pop by to spend time with me outdoors. They will not sit in a house with the children and I as if we have become biohazards.

I am going away for a week with work and they refuse to help, citing covid risk, which leaves me truly buggered as exdp is working and cannot help (we also live 70 miles apart). Is this a common thing? I know they are in the vulnerable category etc., but given how much help they had off their parents when I was growing up this seems really unfair. Aibu?

I’m Surprised you’d even ask them. They are older and feel vulnerable and your kids are a health risk.

I think you are taking this to church too personally children are known to be carrier and if they are under 12 they won’t have been vaccinated. Your parents are probably worried about getting it.
As far as all the help from your grandparents, childcare was very different there wasn’t the resources available then that there is today.
I am afraid you need to sort something else out.

@teacreature

I can't imagine my parents or my in laws not wanting to spend time with my ds. They travel 90 miles to spend that time with ds and always offer childcare as an excuse to spend time with ds as they all miss him. All are triple jabbed, mum and mil are vulnerable though.

I just cannot imagine if I were a single parent and needed to be a away for a week for work where this job feeds ds and keeps a roof over our heads where my parents wouldn't offer help. The moment I mention a work thing, my parents or my in-laws would jump at the occasion before even asking. I would also love to help ds with future childcare if he ever needed one and ensure he knows that we are his safety net.

My parents and my in-laws and even DH all grew up with very involved grandparents and it's part of my family culture where we aren't left alone to struggle. Life is short, life is hard and life is much easier when you help each other out and it makes life much more bearable when you have to jump through hoops knowing that you have a support system in place and a family you can rely on when you need it the most. This isn't being entitled, this is what a family is meant to be like or at least it was in the past.

That is lovely, but people don’t all age the same.

My dad died last month at 75. His death certificate said ‘frailty’, according to the dr, he basically died of ‘old age’. He loved my two siblings’ grandchildren, but could never have managed to look after them alone. In his last three years, he could barely even interpret what the littler ones were saying to him, despite constantly trying. My mum is 7 years younger than dad and much fitter. She can manage my (docile) teenager nieces and nephews, but hasn’t got the confidence to be left alone with the younger ones.

Parents are getting much older, and many of the grandparents are therefore older than they were a generation ago. My grandparents were 40 when their first grandchild was born. My MIL has had her first grandchild at 68. She’s now 71 and is regularly left with 3 year old niece. MIL is tiny and has osteoporoses. My niece is so lovely, but tall, strong and wilful. SIL doesn’t seem to recognise the toll that a couple of hours of babysitting takes on MIL.

Conversely, my neighbour is in her mid 90s and is far more fit and robust than either my DM or MIL. Different grandparents will have different limits. It’s great if they can help out, but shouldn’t be expected.

@ImmediatelyNo

Dear Mum and Dad,

Please risk death to make my job easier.

After all, your mum and dad helped you, even though they weren’t risking death at the time.

Love

DD

FFS.

oh do try and stop being so bloody dramatic , the ops parents have most likely been triple vaxxed , omicrion is proving to be a really mild varient

my mum is in her 80s and still wants to have my 13 year old over on weekends and doesnt and never has wittered on about risking death

during term time i have a hefty childcare bill, me and my sister ask my mum when she will slow down with work dropping a day to look after grandchildren

Literally cannot believe someone asked their parent when they were giving up a day of work specifically so that they could look after grandchildren instead. I think any of mine asked this I would have my chin on the floor for several hours dumbstruck by the sheer sense of entitlement.

We didn’t have any grandparents anywhere nearby when ours were kids and you manage. It’s hard but you struggle through and organise yourselves to make it work. We wouldn’t have had a day or night out for over 5 or 6 years at one point and we always worked opposing shifts/days. Meant never a time when we were all together as a family (without one parent being asleep) and no going out together for several years but you manage. If grandparents did visit, they would have to stay for a chunk of time due to travel involved, and we’d send THEM out to dinner to escape the kids as living with young kids 24/7 if you are not used to it is pretty hard. We would never have thought to leave the kids with them while we went out on a jolly during their infrequent visits!

@TequilaBlaze

There's a difference between seeing grandchildren and being relied on as a source of childcare. Not wanting to be an unpaid babysitter isn't the same as not wanting to spend time with the grandkids.

Asking people in their 70's, even if they are in good health to look after children for a week whilst their parent works away sounds challenging and exhausting (I could not see the DC's ages in the OP's posts). I'm not yet into my 70's and I'm not sure I could do this.

Isn't there any other alternative available OP that you could investigate with the children's father? Is there any way of only attending part of your work event and your Ex do the other half? Or can you participate remotely via technology for any of part of that week? 🌹

my mum is in her 80s and still wants to have my 13 year old over on weekends and doesnt and never has wittered on about risking death

What your mum does is not the point.

I think people misunderstand just how tired people in their 70s get. My SIL relies massively on my MIL for childcare, MIL is 74 and SIL's son is 8 and like a hurricane.

MIL frankly looks unwell after a bout with him. He throws himself on her like she's 20 not 74 and SIL says "Don;t jump on Grandma" in this weak little voice and I could honestly slap her at times.

They're probably too old for it OP.

At some point, they will become frail and need help from their grownup children; what goes around, comes around.

So their hard work over 20 odd years in raising their kids to be responsible, productive, independent adults means jack all and is not appreciated if they don’t babysit after they have essentially already done their job as a parent. Righto.

@echt

At some point, they will become frail and need help from their grownup children; what goes around, comes around

And when they don't get it, their children can whistle for their inheritance what goes around, comes around...

I hate the tedious, smug trope that is trotted out every time a grandparent doesn't provide childcares as required.

with care home costs and all the rest of it we read about i wonder if there really are adults getting large inheritnance from their parents

i hate this crap thats trotted out about people expecting childcare as you put it ,
i cant help but wonder why on these types of theads anytime anybody complains their parents dont want to help with their grandchildren ever , the poster is jumped all over as being unreasonable ,
when these parents possibly develop senile demetia , have tons of health problems , need help everyday to do everyday tasks
its then people like the op who are then faced with having to juggle their kids , their marriage , their jobs to be having to go around and tend to them as much as up to 2 or more hours a day possibly , but with all the stress and non stop worry on top

unfortunatly what goes around does indeed come around , if you cant help out your own flesh and blood even now and then , you cant expect they then owe you it when you need it , money doesnt begin to come into it

@echt

my mum is in her 80s and still wants to have my 13 year old over on weekends and doesnt and never has wittered on about risking death

What your mum does is not the point.

err well its a general disscusion on grandparents helping or seeing their grandchildren as the op started it no ?

and everyones giving their views including their own experiances
so whats your point exactly ? lol

That is lovely, but people don’t all age the same.My dad died last month at 75. His death certificate said ‘frailty’, according to the dr, he basically died of ‘old age’. He loved my two siblings’ grandchildren, but could never have managed to look after them alone. In his last three years, he could barely even interpret what the littler ones were saying to him, despite constantly trying. My mum is 7 years younger than dad and much fitter. She can manage my (docile) teenager nieces and nephews, but hasn’t got the confidence to be left alone with the younger ones

Parents are getting much older, and many of the grandparents are therefore older than they were a generation ago. My grandparents were 40 when their first grandchild was born. My MIL has had her first grandchild at 68. She’s now 71 and is regularly left with 3 year old niece. MIL is tiny and has osteoporoses. My niece is so lovely, but tall, strong and wilful. SIL doesn’t seem to recognise the toll that a couple of hours of babysitting takes on MIL

Conversely, my neighbour is in her mid 90s and is far more fit and robust than either my DM or MIL. Different grandparents will have different limits. It’s great if they can help out, but shouldn’t be expected

A most welcome post amidst the whataboutery of so much on this thread.

People are different.

My own dear late MIL was 40 when she had my DH, 80 when she became a grandmother. We were separated by quite some distance, but she loved the evenings we would go to the pub and she could spoil her grand-daughter rotten. She was a vigorous and lovely-minded woman, so we felt confident that she would not be out of her zone, and DD would be safe as houses.

Would we have asked her for childcare had we lived nearer? I refuse to speculate.

I despise the "I would do, etc. for my kids" that infests so many MN threads.

It hasn't happened. They don't know.

Mine have never provided childcare. They live a few hours away. But we've not seen them since covid as they won't visit anymore and won't have us to theirs. No other reasons other than covid. They do lots of other higher risk things tnoohg, they go on holiday to new areaa, the theatre etc. My DC have forgotten them really as zoom just doesn't work for DC to interact properly.

err well its a general disscusion on grandparents helping or seeing their grandchildren as the op started it no ? and everyones giving their views including their own experiances so whats your point exactly ? lol

It's not a general discussion. The OP is inviting IABU or not. Look at the OP.

Mine are still acting like they are I’m full lockdown . They only go out once a week for their weekly shop. My ILs are getting back to normal (almost)

To be honest and I say this honestly. I massively appreciate the little help we do get 3 hours 1 afternoon a week HOWEVER it's nothing compared to the help that they got.

My mil never worked.

My mum worked 3 hours a day and when she went back abit longer days she had my nan on tap for childcare. Hell my nan would have 4 -6 grandchildren at the same time.

I'm the only person I know that pays 800 a month + for childcare. I know Mumsnet is part of the your parents don't owe you anything brigade but it's really does get of my nerves!

As for the COVID thing it's an excuse there picking and choosing what socializing there doing it's because they don't want to do it.

@echt

At some point, they will become frail and need help from their grownup children; what goes around, comes around

And when they don't get it, their children can whistle for their inheritance what goes around, comes around...

I hate the tedious, smug trope that is trotted out every time a grandparent doesn't provide childcares as required.

Why is it so terrible to suggest that an adult child might not want to provide long term support to elderly and infirm parents who haven't supported their family in their time of need? Calling this a "tedious, smug trope" whilst aggressively asserting that GPs owe their adult children nothing is hypocritical.

Nope, not become funny, because I haven't ever assumed they'd parent my children for me, and I've always paid for childcare

My parents started babysitting again once they'd had their booster but a good friend - fully vaccinated - has just died of covid and it has understandably frightened them so they are back in their shell again.

I do work with someone in her 60s who admits she uses covid as an excuse as no longer wants to provide childcare, she finds it exhausting.

@Longcovid21

I was waiting for that response *@madeofstarstuff*. However its a bit shit if they never want to help ever again. I only ask once every year or so.

Why are you assuming they never want to help again? We are in the middle of a pandemic, they are in their 70's and cases aren't exactly low right now. Children are high risk because of attending school etc.

What's your own attitude/ approach to Covid like? Are you taking precautions to help them feel safe, such as taking lateral flow tests before they visit? Do you think they might feel unsafe because of your approach to things?

@Longcovid21

By the way when I say childcare I mean once in a blue moon to babysit or a one off emergency. Not a regular thing. I do all that myself. I am a single mum in full time work. My mom was a stay at home mum until I was 13 and she still had loads of help from her mother. I literally have had 1 night out in 4 years. I agree with a poster upthread about the fear thing. My mum is now controlled by my dad and brother who decide where is safe and not safe.

It doesn't matter if it's once or regularly.

If they're worried about Covid then they're not going to risk it once, are they? That's no different to risking it regularly. It's the same risk.

@echt

err well its a general disscusion on grandparents helping or seeing their grandchildren as the op started it no ? and everyones giving their views including their own experiances so whats your point exactly ? lol

It's not a general discussion. The OP is inviting IABU or not. Look at the OP.

yes she is and i have thank you and the thread is full of people saying what their grandparents do or dont do regarding their grandchildren as well look at all the replies in the thread

"i cant help but wonder why on these types of theads anytime anybody complains their parents dont want to help with their grandchildren ever , the poster is jumped all over as being unreasonable ,
when these parents possibly develop senile demetia , have tons of health problems , need help everyday to do everyday tasks
its then people like the op who are then faced with having to juggle their kids , their marriage , their jobs to be having to go around and tend to them as much as up to 2 or more hours a day possibly , but with all the stress and non stop worry on top."

And they did all of the caring and worrying about and looking after for their own kids, if we are talking in a purely transactional way. Do they have to do it all over again for gc?

Anyway kids have a choice. Help your parents when they become frail or don't, and they will have to pay someone to do it, eating into any inheritance.

the thing is though cookiemonster is that when there are some people saying their parents have barely seen their own grandchildren since 2019 and we are now in 2022 by the time its actually over , if it ever is , these kids are going to have well lost any bond they ever had , its going to be a bit hard to rebuild it