People that don't like people

[toopeopley]

AIBU to ask what that is about?

It's too peopley out there

Not going out because I don't like people

Various memes and quotes about not liking people.

What does this mean, why don't you like people?

Is there an element of actually wanting that connection with people but not knowing how to go about it so pushing it away?

@thepeopleversuswork

I feel like I've typed this a million times already but everyone hates smalltalk.

You don't have to have a "tendency towards introversion" for this. I hate it and I'm fairly extroverted. But I do it because sitting in stony silence with someone for 20 minutes is rude and will make everyone far worse than the smalltalk.

The point is you just crack on when you have to.

The assumption that some people are too "precious" to do it is where the arrogance comes in. And the assumption that people who can make smalltalk are vapid and stupid and have nothing better to do.

No, they don’t. Some people absolutely love it. They thrive on it. They actively seek it out.

And as another poster said, why is silence rude? Silence is only ‘stony’ if it’s accompanied by glares, deep irritated sighs etc. Otherwise silence is just, well, silence. Not loaded, not rude. I find a stranger trying to make small talk with me when I’m giving clear signals I’m not interested (reading a book etc) to be far ruder than silence.

It is rude if someone giving you coffee, for example, asks if you are having a nice morning, to ignore them because you don't like small talk

Sitting silently with one's dh is hardly a fair comparison

@Momicrone

Sitting silently with one's dh is hardly a fair comparison

Exactly. Silence is fine. But there's a vast difference between companionable silence with a loved one and refusing to acknowledge a throwaway attempt to be friendly because you feel in some way violated by someone else's clumsy attempt to be friendly. It's tedious, yes. But it comes from a good place and it takes very little to take this with good grace.

@Momicrone

It is rude if someone giving you coffee, for example, asks if you are having a nice morning, to ignore them because you don't like small talk

Why ask at all, though? It's not a necessary part of ordering coffee.

If they want to make small talk with you, they'll do so. They don't need you to ask about their days just because they want to buy a coffee.

I work in customer service. I get too much people at work so yeah quite often I don't fancy something very peopley in my social time.

But there's a vast difference between companionable silence with a loved one and refusing to acknowledge a throwaway attempt to be friendly because you feel in some way violated by someone else's clumsy attempt to be friendly.

IMO, "throwaway attempts to be friendly" when someone is happy sitting in silence is rude. If I'm sitting in a public space on my phone or reading a book, it's far ruder of you to interrupt me than it is for me to be silent.

It's nothing to do with being "violated" either - why can't you respect someone's desire to be quiet? Someone choosing to sit in silence isn't some kind of personal sleight against you!

@thepeopleversuswork
I don't think that people don't understand that. People understand that perfectly well. I totally understand that

You might understand that. But lots of others don’t. If they did, I wouldn’t have to defend my lifestyle to them. I wouldn’t have people suggesting repeatedly that I join various groups. I wouldn’t have the head tilt followed by ‘but aren’t you lonely?’ And I certainly wouldn’t have the spectacularly irritating comments about meeting the right man.

Silence is fine. But there's a vast difference between companionable silence with a loved one and refusing to acknowledge a throwaway attempt to be friendly because you feel in some way violated by someone else's clumsy attempt to be friendly. It's tedious, yes. But it comes from a good place and it takes very little to take this with good grace

A recent example.
I was sitting on a train, waiting for it to depart, reading a book. A woman came up to me and asked if it was the train to X city. I could have just said ‘yes’ but I made a bit of an effort and said ‘well I hope it is because that’s where I want to go!’ with a smile, before returning to my book. She sat opposite me. Then she started with the small talk. About the weather. So I glanced up, said ‘it is’ in response to her ‘cold out, isn’t it?’ and went back to reading. Undeterred, she continued. ‘Do you live in X?’. I waited a second or two, glanced up, said ‘yes’ and again returned to my book. She still didn’t get the message. ‘Were you shopping for the day?’. ‘No’. That seemed to do the trick. Until my phone rang. I spoke briefly to my friend and mentioned that I had been at a college meeting to develop part of a new curriculum. It was at most a 3 minute call. As soon as I had hung up, she started again. ‘Are you a college lecturer?’. At that stage, I think I actually closed my eyes in frustration before replying ‘no’.

Now, you may think I was rude for giving one word answers and not engaging in small talk when she clearly wanted to. But I think her persistence when I was clearly not interested was quite rude. At the start I was polite, friendly and answered her first question with more than a simple ‘yes’, which would have sufficed. But she persisted thereafter. She very quickly used up the ‘good grace’ I had initially shown.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

Someone choosing to sit in silence isn't some kind of personal sleight against you!

Of course I know someone choosing to sit in silence isn't a sleight against me. But I could turn that back on you:

But you have implied that making small talk when ordering a coffee is "rude" and that the default setting should be for people coming into contact in a non-intimate setting to totally minimise conversation.

It's not rude to want to be silent and its not rude to want to chat. Both of these are neutral activities which some people like and some don't. But you and others seem to feel that the default should be for non-essential social contact to be minimised in order not to offend.

I'm just saying a) that's not very realistic b) you could try just seeing it as an awkward attempt to be pleasant: it doesn't do you any harm just to grunt a reply and move on.

No-one who asks you about your day or the weather is under any illusion that they are going to become your best friend. They're just trying to smooth things over. It works for them, not for you and that's fair enough. But why choose to see it as such an intrusion?

[quote sammylady37]@thepeopleversuswork
I don't think that people don't understand that. People understand that perfectly well. I totally understand that

You might understand that. But lots of others don’t. If they did, I wouldn’t have to defend my lifestyle to them. I wouldn’t have people suggesting repeatedly that I join various groups. I wouldn’t have the head tilt followed by ‘but aren’t you lonely?’ And I certainly wouldn’t have the spectacularly irritating comments about meeting the right man.[/quote]
Oh god yes. It is so annoying hearing people tell me that i will meet the right person soon. As if I am single because I can't find someone. No. I'm single because I do not want a relationship. When I say this I'm then told that I will find someone soon enough and that I deserve to be happy. I am happy! Some people think that being single = loneliness. I was far more lonely in relationships!

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@fairylightsandwaxmelts

Someone choosing to sit in silence isn't some kind of personal sleight against you!

Of course I know someone choosing to sit in silence isn't a sleight against me. But I could turn that back on you:

But you have implied that making small talk when ordering a coffee is "rude" and that the default setting should be for people coming into contact in a non-intimate setting to totally minimise conversation.

It's not rude to want to be silent and its not rude to want to chat. Both of these are neutral activities which some people like and some don't. But you and others seem to feel that the default should be for non-essential social contact to be minimised in order not to offend.

I'm just saying a) that's not very realistic b) you could try just seeing it as an awkward attempt to be pleasant: it doesn't do you any harm just to grunt a reply and move on.

No-one who asks you about your day or the weather is under any illusion that they are going to become your best friend. They're just trying to smooth things over. It works for them, not for you and that's fair enough. But why choose to see it as such an intrusion?[/quote]
But you have implied that making small talk when ordering a coffee is "rude" and that the default setting should be for people coming into contact in a non-intimate setting to totally minimise conversation.

No, my point is that the customer should be the one to dictate the conversation, not the server. So, if you try and make small talk and they don't engage, you should respect that and leave them alone, not keep pushing it.

It's not rude to want to be silent and its not rude to want to chat. Both of these are neutral activities which some people like and some don't. But you and others seem to feel that the default should be for non-essential social contact to be minimised in order not to offend.

Not at all, but if you start to talk to someone and it's clear they're not interested, you shouldn't keep pushing it. It's not fair to make someone else uncomfortable because you want to make small talk.

No-one who asks you about your day or the weather is under any illusion that they are going to become your best friend. They're just trying to smooth things over. It works for them, not for you and that's fair enough. But why choose to see it as such an intrusion?

Because I don't want to be approached by total strangers and asked about my day.

@sammylady37

Silence is fine. But there's a vast difference between companionable silence with a loved one and refusing to acknowledge a throwaway attempt to be friendly because you feel in some way violated by someone else's clumsy attempt to be friendly. It's tedious, yes. But it comes from a good place and it takes very little to take this with good grace

A recent example.
I was sitting on a train, waiting for it to depart, reading a book. A woman came up to me and asked if it was the train to X city. I could have just said ‘yes’ but I made a bit of an effort and said ‘well I hope it is because that’s where I want to go!’ with a smile, before returning to my book. She sat opposite me. Then she started with the small talk. About the weather. So I glanced up, said ‘it is’ in response to her ‘cold out, isn’t it?’ and went back to reading. Undeterred, she continued. ‘Do you live in X?’. I waited a second or two, glanced up, said ‘yes’ and again returned to my book. She still didn’t get the message. ‘Were you shopping for the day?’. ‘No’. That seemed to do the trick. Until my phone rang. I spoke briefly to my friend and mentioned that I had been at a college meeting to develop part of a new curriculum. It was at most a 3 minute call. As soon as I had hung up, she started again. ‘Are you a college lecturer?’. At that stage, I think I actually closed my eyes in frustration before replying ‘no’.

Now, you may think I was rude for giving one word answers and not engaging in small talk when she clearly wanted to. But I think her persistence when I was clearly not interested was quite rude. At the start I was polite, friendly and answered her first question with more than a simple ‘yes’, which would have sufficed. But she persisted thereafter. She very quickly used up the ‘good grace’ I had initially shown.

Excellent example. It's exactly this kind of thing which is annoying. Some people really don't "get it" that someone doesn't want to engage in conversation. There could be any number of reasons, but even if it's nothing but being rude, then that is still a valid reason, though highly unlikely!

Fairy lights - I didn't realise there were rules about whether the server or customer is allowed to start a conversation

@Momicrone

Fairy lights - I didn't realise there were rules about whether the server or customer is allowed to start a conversation

It should 100% be the choice of the customer whether they engage in small talk or not. That's not to say you can't try and start the conversation, but if they make it clear they're not interested, then just leave them alone.

In my decade of retail work, it was drummed into us to always be guided by the customer. I thought that was fairly standard?

I think hospitality must be different, if one relie on tips, it may serve them well to chat to customers

I feel sorry for some of you and believe you are trying to hide from the world because you’re frightened. I used to be so shy and introverted as to be untrue when I was a teen. However I believed that most people were fundamentally good and I worked on myself. Particularly when I had kids. I felt I owed it to them to build a community around them, to have people who cared for my kids, who knew them well. I’m proud that I’ve built up a network of friends despite being introverted inside. It gives me peace of mind that should anything happen to me or my husband that they will have family and their friends, my friends that will always look out for them. I think it’s safety in numbers and that if you cut yourself off from everyone you leave yourself vulnerable.

@somewhereoverthechipshop

I feel sorry for some of you and believe you are trying to hide from the world because you’re frightened. I used to be so shy and introverted as to be untrue when I was a teen. However I believed that most people were fundamentally good and I worked on myself. Particularly when I had kids. I felt I owed it to them to build a community around them, to have people who cared for my kids, who knew them well. I’m proud that I’ve built up a network of friends despite being introverted inside. It gives me peace of mind that should anything happen to me or my husband that they will have family and their friends, my friends that will always look out for them. I think it’s safety in numbers and that if you cut yourself off from everyone you leave yourself vulnerable.

Aww isn't that cute? Armchair psychology with a dash of "I'm better than you". Here's a gold ⭐️, you obviously want one.

Chipshop, great post

The way I am is without a doubt partly because of fear. But I have found peace with that and who I am, and how I am as a person. I am happy and quite content in my own little bubble with my kids and my family. Maybe in the future things might change, but as of right now, I see no need or reason to change it.

I had the opposite and found that when I opened myself up I left myself vulnerable.

@somewhereoverthechipshop

I feel sorry for some of you and believe you are trying to hide from the world because you’re frightened. I used to be so shy and introverted as to be untrue when I was a teen. However I believed that most people were fundamentally good and I worked on myself. Particularly when I had kids. I felt I owed it to them to build a community around them, to have people who cared for my kids, who knew them well. I’m proud that I’ve built up a network of friends despite being introverted inside. It gives me peace of mind that should anything happen to me or my husband that they will have family and their friends, my friends that will always look out for them. I think it’s safety in numbers and that if you cut yourself off from everyone you leave yourself vulnerable.

I’m not frightened. I’m not hiding. I don’t need your pity not your sympathy. I haven’t cut myself off from everyone. I just prefer to be by myself most of the time. It’s really not rocket science.

nor your sympathy

I think hospitality must be different, if one relie on tips, it may serve them well to chat to customers

It’s not different, tips or no tips. Part of working in jobs dealing with the public is to read body language. I’m not going to get tipped highly if I’m bothering a customer who obviously wants to be left alone.

It should 100% be the choice of the customer whether they engage in small talk or not. That's not to say you can't try and start the conversation, but if they make it clear they're not interested, then just leave them alone.

Exactly this!

It baffles me that some people feel that a stranger’s need to make small talk trumps those who want to be left alone or being able to enjoy your own company and not feel lonely must be difficult.

I actually like people for the most part whereas my DH doesn’t, yet he is popular at his company. He’s happy to help people, catch up with them but he’s built a relationship with them and knows them so they are individuals to him not strangers. When he has to deal with the population in particularly crowded or enclosed spaces his headphones are on so he can get on with things without anyone bothering him. I admit I think he’s lucky in that respect since when he wears headphones no one bothers him but when I do people still want to chat with me.

@Momicrone

I think hospitality must be different, if one relie on tips, it may serve them well to chat to customers

Only if the customer wants to be chatted to, though, otherwise it's just rude.

@somewhereoverthechipshop

I feel sorry for some of you and believe you are trying to hide from the world because you’re frightened. I used to be so shy and introverted as to be untrue when I was a teen. However I believed that most people were fundamentally good and I worked on myself. Particularly when I had kids. I felt I owed it to them to build a community around them, to have people who cared for my kids, who knew them well. I’m proud that I’ve built up a network of friends despite being introverted inside. It gives me peace of mind that should anything happen to me or my husband that they will have family and their friends, my friends that will always look out for them. I think it’s safety in numbers and that if you cut yourself off from everyone you leave yourself vulnerable.

Christ, do you not see how rude and patronising that is?

I'm not hiding or frightened - I'm just perfectly happy with my own company or the company of my close friends and family. I don't need or want anything else.