People that don't like people

[toopeopley]

AIBU to ask what that is about?

It's too peopley out there

Not going out because I don't like people

Various memes and quotes about not liking people.

What does this mean, why don't you like people?

Is there an element of actually wanting that connection with people but not knowing how to go about it so pushing it away?

I don't think the majority of people are "congratulating" themselves on not liking people.

I'm 51. I've had enough experiences with people over the years to make me realise I don't particularly like a lot of them. That doesn't mean I'm not pleasant, talkative and chatty. I was raised to be polite and welcoming and put people at ease. Doesn't mean inside I'm not thinking to myself "By Christ, I wish I was at home reading a book."

@DedalusBloom

I don't think the majority of people are "congratulating" themselves on not liking people.

But that's precisely what they are doing if they are sharing and posting memes saying "I don't like people". They are expecting validation for letting people know they don't like people. They are saying: "Look at me, I'm different/special. I don't do normal."

A poster on this thread earlier appeared to congratulate herself for not being able bring herself to talk about the weather.

I feel like we're going around in circles with this as I've said this before but the point is most people struggle at times with this level of mundane social interaction. Few people love it and a lot of people find it very difficult and daunting at times for a variety of reasons. And that's absolutely fine. I have no problem with this at all.

What I have a problem with is the "Look at me, I don't like people and I don't like doing all these normal, mundane things. That makes me a really rare and special kind of person."

It's performative introvertism. And its a real ballache to listen to.

If you don't like people by all means take yourself off and enjoy being with your dog etc. Crack on. Some of us are just tired of hearing about it now.

My slight annoyance is that I've never encountered anyone who declares that they only care about themselves and their families/close friends who is then happy for other people to treat them and their close people as annoying encumbrances. Every person I've ever met like this expects people to treat them and their close ones (especially their children) like they're a very special presence indeed!

But there are some who equate not liking people with intellectual superiority, Charlie Brooker and sartre have both been mentioned, neither are/were crippled by inferiority complexes. Hell is other people - my arse

I also can't get my head around the logic of it, if you all believe only your husband, kid, dog are nice, then surely there are lots of nice people out there all living in separate bubbles, but hating on each other. It's bizarre

I've become more introverted in my 50s.
Years of social anxiety has made me realise why bother.
At work I chat to all and sundry and I think most people are lovely.
However I'm off for 2 days now and more than happy on my own.
I can do what I want without having to conform.
The older I get I prefer pets to people.
I don't know why people need lots of friends tbh.

I love small talk though.I agree it is social lubrication and most people have something to bond over.😁

@Momicrone

I also can't get my head around the logic of it, if you all believe only your husband, kid, dog are nice, then surely there are lots of nice people out there all living in separate bubbles, but hating on each other. It's bizarre

I think some of these people genuinely think that only they and their families are nice. Which is, ironically, a very clear sign that they are not nice because they have a raging superiority complex.

This article - www.spring.org.uk/2022/01/instantly-read.php got recommended to me this morning and it made me laugh after reading this thread.

"Asking someone what they think about other people reveals much about their own personality. The reason is that people tend to see more of their own qualities in others. The generous person sees others as generous and the selfish person sees others as selfish."

@MedusasBadHairDay

This article - www.spring.org.uk/2022/01/instantly-read.php got recommended to me this morning and it made me laugh after reading this thread.

"Asking someone what they think about other people reveals much about their own personality. The reason is that people tend to see more of their own qualities in others. The generous person sees others as generous and the selfish person sees others as selfish."

That's interesting.

So an extrovert that is happy go lucky and interested in human connection with people might see other as interesting, engaging, happy, fun etc as that is what they are like as a person themselves?

The person that actively posts about how they don't like people or want to stay home away from all the people - they already have a preconception about the people they meet in a negative way, which may mean that is how they think they are perceived by others? - not sure I've got this part right??

@Momicrone

These small exchanges about the weather or 'how are you' are just part of the lubrication of society, just being generally warmer and friendly to people can make people feel better. It reminds me of a couple of scenes in films like 'about time', and 'it's a wonderful life', it doesn't hurt to be nice.

You don't understand autism or social anxiety etc then do you?

Human interaction is a very complex area. Some people have very negative experiences, i.e. being verbally abused/bullied by strangers etc., so are naturally going to be nervous/anxious around strangers.

No, it doesn't hurt to be nice, but likewise, it doesn't hurt to understand social/personal signals and leave people alone who are giving the signs that they don't want random interactions with strangers. Those that want to talk will usually make eye contact etc., those who don't will usually avoid eye contact, maybe wearing ear/head phones etc.

It doesn't hurt to leave people alone either!

I think it's arguing that people just project their own qualities on other people, so if someone is rude themselves they will see others as rude. If someone is friendly themselves, they'll see others as friendly.

I've definitely known some people who fit that, who will meet someone who is perfectly polite and pleasant but be insistent they were rude, when the only person being rude is them.

Though I do wonder how they've gathered the data exactly, are they asking people to self describe and some people are answering "oh yeah, I'm definitely selfish"??

I agree leave quiet people alone.
We are not missing out.We love our own space.Ive had yrs of my parents berating me for not socialising.Awful.

I feel like there's two different conversations happening on this thread.

Being quiet =/= Thinking all people are shit

Unless I've massively misunderstood the OP, this thread was meant to be specifically about the people who say stuff like, "I hate people" and take pride in misanthropy. Some of those people may be quieter and more introverted but please don't assume all quiet introverts think that way.

I think people are, on the whole, good - this doesn't mean I'm not happier on my own, or that I don't find social interaction tricky and exhausting, but my distancing myself isn't done due to malice.

@MedusasBadHairDay

Being quiet =/= Thinking all people are shit

Fully agree. I'm happy to talk to people, but just as happy not to. My big problem (and yes, it is MY problem) is that I struggle with unexpected contact, i.e. even a friend/family appearing unexpectedly will trigger my anxiety, as will a random stranger striking up conversation when I'm not expecting it. When that happens, I can feel as if I've been highjacked and that sometimes causes an involuntary strange response, such as blanking them, saying "hi" and carrying on walking, or whatever, presumably some would say that's rude, but it's involuntary, and I'd spend the rest of the day stressed and worried about that response.

I need time to process and gather my thoughts to prepare when I'm going to meet someone, even friends/family. And, like others have said, I need time to myself to "recover" afterwards, even from relatively short interactions.

None of this is intentional. It's hard wired social anxiety after suffering severe bullying/abuse as a teenager and occasional verbal abuse during my adult life, from random strangers (because of the way I look).

@MedusasBadHairDay

It's a fair point and an important distinction.

I don't think anyone on this thread thinks "quiet people are shit". I certainly don't - I frequently err on the quiet side. As I've said many times I totally understand the need for quiet and the fact that many people find social interaction challenging.

There's a widely held misconception that more extroverted or socially comfortable people are all desperate to bring introverts out of their shell all the time. They're not. We may require some interaction - society basically requires this of people to function -- but I don't think anyone expects that all people will be social butterflies.

What I object to is a) the performative misanthropy (per the title of the OP's thread) and b) the subtle but clear inference you get in a lot of posts that extroverts are all tone deaf, attention-seeking wallies who have no internal lives, while introverts are deep and special.

You can't really leave someone alone uf you're serving them a coffee etc! I'm not talking about sparking up conversations with randos in the street

@Momicrone

You can't really leave someone alone uf you're serving them a coffee etc! I'm not talking about sparking up conversations with randos in the street

But you don't have to pressurise them into conversation either, beyond the bare minimum required to serve them, i.e. asking what they want, options, please and thank you. People serving all day as their job should be quite good at reading the signs as to whether a customer wants conversation or not.

There's a reason why so many people prefer the self service options these days - it's not just avoiding queues!

For me, a lot of my social anxiety is made worse by hearing loss, as I find it embarrassing to constantly have to ask people to repeat what they've just said, and it's a million times worse in busy/noisy places like shops, busy cafes, etc. It's even more embarrassing/annoying when I have to ask people to repeat something and it turns out it was something irrelevant like asking whether it's still raining outside. When, say, passing someone in the street, and they say something, which I don't hear, I end up having to stop and ask them to repeat, and it's something like "nice day isn't it", that neither of us needed to stop for!

@user1497207191

In can see in your case how that's difficult. To be fair, though, that's quite a difficult line to walk.

People are vastly different in the general level of conversation they want and expect with strangers. I've been torn off a strip by black cab drivers for being a "moody cow" for not wanting to talk. Some people love idle chit chat and some hate it. As a person who is employed to interact with the public its quite impractical to have purely functional interactions with people.

In some jobs the ability to chit chat is a requirement. Hairdressers learn that they have to make obligatory conversation with customers. People in retail etc. In certain environments a very transactional approach to interacting with people would get you fired.

Yes it can be irritating if you're not feeling it but bear in mind that most of the time these people are just trying to do their jobs.

@Momicrone

These small exchanges about the weather or 'how are you' are just part of the lubrication of society, just being generally warmer and friendly to people can make people feel better. It reminds me of a couple of scenes in films like 'about time', and 'it's a wonderful life', it doesn't hurt to be nice.

I have ADHD. I've struggled all my life with friendships and relationships because for the most part I just don't 'get' it. But you'd never know if you met me! I am genuinely kind and chatty but you've no idea how hard it is to see the point. I don't think I'm 'better' than anyone, I just struggle with connections. I was bullied awfully at school so stopped engaging with my peers. I did ok in college because people 'like me' seemed to drift together and they understood, so it worked. Suffered some awful abuse at the hands of men who were supposed to love me, and once again I'd struggled to 'get it right' with them. But I don't believe that means I deserved the abuse just because I wasn't 'bubbly' or outgoing.

I absolutely love my children, family and a couple of very close people unconditionally. But I see no reason to put myself out there to make new friends when I'm perfectly happy as I am.

I've met enough people in my 46 years to know that many of them are utter bastards. I'm certain there are lovely people out there, of course there are, I'm just not interested enough to find them

"Hairdressers learn that they have to make obligatory conversation with customers."

Most hairdressers take their cue from their customers though. They pick up very quickly that I don't want to talk, unlike your taxi driver.
It's strange because some people find the hairdresser chat liberating, but I find it really hard to talk when something's being done to my hair and the person is behind me. It might also be because having someone touch me is a bit stressful and I have to concentrate on getting through that.

"No, it doesn't hurt to be nice"

It can do if your niceness is rejected. Think of a scenario when you see someone in the street and you get ready to stop and talk whereas they just nod and carry on walking. Someone told me it was easy to spot who was going to stop and who was going to walk by, but I never got that. I hate feeling that I've been made a fool of.
I live in a city now so bumping into people is rare and I sometimes hide if I see an acquaintance and I'm not sure what to do.

I love people but I hate crowds. It seemed like everywhere I went in December either stuck in a traffic jam, struggling to find parking or bumping into people. It was way too peoply.

January is so much more relaxed.

I have friends, I'm close with my family, but I'm an introvert and regularly say it's too people-y for me. It means I would rather have quiet than noise, I would rather have focus than interruptions, I would rather have coffee with a close friend than go to a party.

I dont hate people. I really like them. Most people would probably have me down as an extrovert because I come across as confident, friendly and chatty. I have no problem with relating to people or doing small talk. Being sat next to a stranger at a dinner thing or a wedding and having to chat would not terrify me. I'd cope better than most.

But it's exhausting and I need lots of down time/alone time between bouts of pulling off this 'extroversion' trick. The more prolongued the interaction the more alone time I need after it. If I go away for a long weekend or holiday with friends I am the one who always sneaks off to my room for a couple of hours just for a break from the relentless pressure to talk and be talked at for days at a time. it does my head in. It's not so much that I don't like being with them, just that I really NEED a certain percentage of time on my own.

I think I am an introvert at heart. I'm one of those people who coped really well in lockdown because I genuinely enjoy being alone (or just with DH). I rarely crave being with other people, and when I do, I find I'm over it really quickly.

Even some activities that women often prefer doing with friends (shopping and lunch, having a spa day, going walking etc) I prefer to do on my own or just with DH.

But I don't hate people. I just need to socialise at my own pace and on my own terms.