People that don't like people

[toopeopley]

AIBU to ask what that is about?

It's too peopley out there

Not going out because I don't like people

Various memes and quotes about not liking people.

What does this mean, why don't you like people?

Is there an element of actually wanting that connection with people but not knowing how to go about it so pushing it away?

I don't like loads of people ,overhearing crappy conversations between people. I don't go out a lot, occasionally with my sisters or dh. I hate going into town. If I gave to go, I go early. By the time I have finished shopping and leaving the town is filling up with idiots.
One thing that iv noticed is that there are fewer chuggers since covid started. That's one less hassle to avoid.

@Persephoned

Exactly. Almost no one likes small talk. It’s just one of the costs of doing business.

Why do people think not liking small talk is some unique character trait?

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@Persephoned

Exactly. Almost no one likes small talk. It’s just one of the costs of doing business.

Why do people think not liking small talk is some unique character trait?[/quote]
Where has anyone said that?

It's pretty much been said again and again, it's part of the list of qualities that makes one special,

User149, even if you met your special loved ones at work or a shared hobby, they were still once strangers that needed an initial conversation to start the relationship, which more often than not would on a banal non personal note. Unless of course, you and your partner fell in love at first sight and declared undying love from the get go.

@Momicrone

It's pretty much been said again and again, it's part of the list of qualities that makes one special,

Has it? Where has anyone specifically said "hating small talk makes me special"?

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

There was a poster upthread who said: "Time is too precious to spend talking about the weather with people you don't care about or have any alliegance [sic] to."

There's an arrogance about this attitude. That "precious time" should only be spent a) with people you know really well and trust and b) on noble and life-enhancing discussion. The assumption that your hand-picked circle is a cut above the rest of the world.

My problem with this is that it assumes that everyone you haven't met yet is not wasting your time on. By definition, at some point you must have had ice-breaking discussion with the people you know really well and trust. What is it that justifies your having had this initial discussion with those "special" people but not with the rest of the great unwashed? It's completely illogical. You always have to start somewhere.

Someone will be along shortly to say they've been hurt or rejected before and that makes them wary of approaching people. Again, that's understandable but if you approach the entire world with a mindset that says "everyone's out to get me", of course you are not going to get off to a good start with people. It's sad that that's happened to people and its understandable that that is debilitating but there comes a time where you have to take responsibility for that and refuse to allow this to poison the rest of your life.

There was a poster upthread who said: "Time is too precious to spend talking about the weather with people you don't care about or have any alliegance [sic] to."

There's an arrogance about this attitude.

I agree. Not every conversation with every new person you meet is going to start off about Freud or astrophysics or your ambition to climb Everest, or Hinduism, or whatever your thing is.

You don't blindside people with that until you've established that you might have more to say to one another. And you do that by starting with the small things. Through a gradual process of 'reading' the other person you get a feeling for whether there is a more in depth/interesting conversation to be had, or not.

But if we all took the attitude that it's not worth our time to do small talk none of us would have a single friend ever.

@SeeMyLanyardAndWeepBitch

Precisely....

But also there can be a value in trivial and non-serious interactions. Some of the people you come to value most in your life couldn't talk about Freud or astrophysics or Hinduism if their life depended on it. Some relationships never move to this level of "seriousness" but provide affection, fun, support and solidarity. If you went through life avoiding people who didn't think at first sight you could have "meaningful" discussions with you'd be missing out on a lot of lovely people.

@thepeopleversuswork

So true.

@Momicrone

User149, even if you met your special loved ones at work or a shared hobby, they were still once strangers that needed an initial conversation to start the relationship, which more often than not would on a banal non personal note. Unless of course, you and your partner fell in love at first sight and declared undying love from the get go.

Shy/introverted people often bond over a shared/common interest.

For me and my OH, our voluntary jobs meant we spent 3 or 4 hours with one other person, i.e. a two person shift, and you'd get allocated with the same person every month or so. 90% of the shift, we'd be talking work, with limited time for "small talk", and as it was a short shift, there was no break. Over several months, we developed a mutual respect and liking for eachother, but that came more from helping eachother do the work than random musings about the weather! Another two couples got together doing the same voluntary work, who were also pretty shy/introverted (we worked with them too so got to know them quite well).

The people making friends at work/hobbies aren't talking about random nonsense, they're almost certainly talking about their shared/common interests, whether it's their work or their hobby.

I think I'm protest off the mark based on the responses but here goes anyway in case anyone would be willing to own up to this train of thought.

Could it be for some people that they say they don't like people as a defence mechanism, like they possibly would like interactions which could result in a great friendship but are too afraid of rejection to put themselves out there? Like if they don't try then they can't be hurt.

Probably off the mark.

There was a poster upthread who said: "Time is too precious to spend talking about the weather with people you don't care about or have any alliegance [sic] to."

They may well have said that, but they didn't say they were special for not liking small talk, which is what I asked for an example of...

There's an arrogance about this attitude.

Why on earth is it arrogant to just want to keep yourself to yourself? Lots of people appear to be taking others' tendency to introversion very personally, for some reason.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

It's not arrogant to want to keep yourself to yourself. It's arrogant to assume that your time is too precious to be wasted on basic pleasantries. Or that you are too important to make smalltalk.

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@fairylightsandwaxmelts

It's not arrogant to want to keep yourself to yourself. It's arrogant to assume that your time is too precious to be wasted on basic pleasantries. Or that you are too important to make smalltalk.[/quote]
Why on earth does disliking or avoiding small-talk make you arrogant?

I don't particularly want to spend my time making small-talk with strangers because it's not something I enjoy - why is it arrogant to keep quiet and avoid things that don't make me happy?

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

There was a poster upthread who said: "Time is too precious to spend talking about the weather with people you don't care about or have any alliegance [sic] to."

They may well have said that, but they didn't say they were special for not liking small talk, which is what I asked for an example of...

There's an arrogance about this attitude.

Why on earth is it arrogant to just want to keep yourself to yourself? Lots of people appear to be taking others' tendency to introversion very personally, for some reason.

I was thinking much the same.

I think a lot of people cannot understand that others simply don’t want frequent interaction with other people.
I live alone and have done for over 20 years. I intend to keep it that way. I have friends, but at most I see them every 2 months. When I come home from work, I generally don’t speak to anyone else until I go to work again the next day. (I’m not including texting in that, I’m talking about phonecalls or in-person meetings). And I’m totally fine with that. Yet, I’m sick and tired of having to defend my lifestyle to people who insist I must be lonely, that I would love some company, that I should join some clubs etc. I. Am. Not. Lonely. The one and only time I have felt lonely as an adult, there was actually someone else right
beside me (a long story which is not relevant here).

I holiday alone, I eat out alone, I go to plays/shows/concerts alone. Sometimes I do those things with friends, but I am perfectly happy to do them alone.

I don’t hate people, but I don’t particularly like being around others, and I enjoy my own company. Being on my own is not a challenge. I like solitude and silence.

A friend of mine is the opposite. She talks about feeling lonely if her husband isn’t in the same room as her, is just elsewhere in the house. During the lockdowns, she frequently said “i need to be with people again” and by that she meant being out in crowds, wandering down busy streets, bring in pubs, dancing in clubs. Whereas I quite enjoyed the reprieve of lockdown!

Having said all that, it’s just who I am. I don’t think it makes me special or unique, I don’t go on endlessly about it but i will defend myself to those who insist they know me better and think that I’m secretly quite lonely or just too afraid of rejection. How would they like it if I opined that their desire to be around and engaged with others is because they are insecure in themselves and quite empty and therefore need validation from others? (Note, that’s not what I actually think about them, it’s just the equivalent argument to them claiming introversion is being used as a shield from rejection) They are welcome to live their lives how they wish, and I’d appreciate if they’d leave me to live mine how I like.

I feel like I've typed this a million times already but everyone hates smalltalk.

You don't have to have a "tendency towards introversion" for this. I hate it and I'm fairly extroverted. But I do it because sitting in stony silence with someone for 20 minutes is rude and will make everyone far worse than the smalltalk.

The point is you just crack on when you have to.

The assumption that some people are too "precious" to do it is where the arrogance comes in. And the assumption that people who can make smalltalk are vapid and stupid and have nothing better to do.

@sammylady37

I think a lot of people cannot understand that others simply don’t want frequent interaction with other people

I don't think that people don't understand that. People understand that perfectly well. I totally understand that. I feel much as you do. I also had friends who during lockdown were going on about desperately lonely they were and how much they needed people etc. I didn't get that at all. I'm very happy with my own company and crave alone time.

But I find this constant compulsion to go on about how awful other people are slightly suspect. To me it does have a ring of people protesting too much. If you really really don't like people, don't communicate with other people about how awful they are. Just keep it to yourself.

How would they like it if I opined that their desire to be around and engaged with others is because they are insecure in themselves and quite empty and therefore need validation from others?

They do. This narrative comes up frequently on these threads. There's a constant subtext that people who enjoy socialising are desperate, hollow attention seekers.

All these people that supposedly “hate people”

Genuinely curious

If you have children, do you convey this sentiment to them? Although they’ll no doubt be aware of it themselves owehapd

Perhaps

@thepeopleversuswork

I feel like I've typed this a million times already but everyone hates smalltalk.

You don't have to have a "tendency towards introversion" for this. I hate it and I'm fairly extroverted. But I do it because sitting in stony silence with someone for 20 minutes is rude and will make everyone far worse than the smalltalk.

The point is you just crack on when you have to.

The assumption that some people are too "precious" to do it is where the arrogance comes in. And the assumption that people who can make smalltalk are vapid and stupid and have nothing better to do.

Why is silence automatically seen as rudeness, though? I don't understand that. Why can't silence just be calm and peaceful? I often sit in silence with DH - both doing our own thing - it's not rude to be quiet around other people .

And again, where has anyone said they're too precious to take part in small talk? People have said they just don't enjoy it and don't want to have to spend their spare time doing things they don't enjoy. Why is that taken so personally by some people?

@Whatayear81

All these people that supposedly “hate people”

Genuinely curious

If you have children, do you convey this sentiment to them? Although they’ll no doubt be aware of it themselves owehapd

Yup. However DD is a social butterfly and she just rolls her eyes at me and laughs. When she was little she had no idea considering how many playdates I always arranged, meet ups, staying with friends etc. I made the effort for her. It's great now that I'm not as involved.

I like a person. I don’t like people