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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To work even though I could afford to stay home?

164 replies

Alfixn · 10/01/2022 14:30

I have a good career in a professional job which I find mentally stimulating, although it is extremely demanding, and the hours are long.

I have just had my first baby and my mat leave is ending soon. I have slightly reduced my hours to fit in better with childcare, although I will still be working longer hours than most full time jobs.

I've never considered not going back.... but financially, we can afford for me to be a SAHM.

A comment on another thread got me wondering if it's an unusual choice to make, to go back to work when I don't "have to". I love my daughter and don't want to be away from her, but never envisioned having a family meaning the end of my own career.

I'm curious now about what most women would choose if they were in my position.

OP posts:

DrSbaitso · 11/01/2022 08:50

I can afford to stay home but I never wanted to.

SpinsForGin · 11/01/2022 08:53

@JanuaryBluehoo

A huge impact for a few years whilst children are non verbal?

In a career that could last 40 plus??

Yes. If I took just a couple of years out of my career it would have a huge impact. It's not the same across all sectors but it's not as simple as being able to walk back into a career, at the same level if you've taken a significant amount of time off.

Some people are fine with that but others aren't.

user5656555 · 11/01/2022 09:24

@JanuaryBluehoo yes...look it up, I'm not doing the research for you, the impact has been extensively measured and discussed.

IcyBlonde15 · 11/01/2022 09:32

Absolutely not BU if you love your job. You worked hard for it, it fulfils you, you never did it just because you had to. I’ve never returned to work since having my oldest because he is severely autistic and needs me here, and I am very very fortunate that I was in a financial position to leave work for good. I may return one day though, and I’ve also considered retraining for a new career at some stage. If you love your job and do want to go back but aren’t ready for maternity to end could you take a career break?

Bumpitybumper · 11/01/2022 09:34

Fore and foremost OP, don't be a SAHP if you don't want to be one. It won't benefit anybody if it's not something you have a desire to do. It really is as simple as that.

This thread seems to have veered into a wider discussion about the benefits and risks of being a SAHP. Points I would like to make on this are:

Ultimately this is a debate about balancing raising children with working. We all will have different opinions about what this ideally looks like and the trade offs we are prepared to make. This can range from being a SAHP, working PT, working FT hours in compressed format or working FT. You can enforce strict rules around working in the evenings or at the weekend and prioritise attending important events for your child. Some people have grandparents or can afford expensive childcare that can support more demanding careers whilst others are have financial constraints that will mean they can only work certain hours as the cost of childcare is so prohibitive. There absolutely is not a one size fits all approach that will work for everyone and we need to be really careful not to judge other people's choices when we have no real idea about the parameters they are working with.

Any concession you make to motherhood and raising children will probably have some impact on your career. Simply being pregnant and having some maternity leave can be enough to set you back. Mothers get paid less than their childfree colleagues irrespective of hours worked. Very few mothers will escape being penalised for having children. If you don't think this is right or fair then we must band together to fight for better rights and protection rather than chastise each other for not making 'better' choices that could have limited the damage to our careers.

You are not setting a bad example to your child by pursuing a deep desire or dream. For some this may be career related but for others this may well be being a SAHP. Both are equally valid if they are your path towards fulfillment and achieving your life goals. It is important though that you pursue this in a sensible and prudent way. Make sure you have the financial protection that exists around insurance. Make sure that you are married and will have some level of financial security of your marriage was to break down. Make sure you have a clear exit strategy if being a SAHP is no longer viable. Have you enough money to retrain? Have you a business idea? Can you maintain any qualifications and memberships that will increase your employability in the future? Etc etc.

Idontknowlondon · 11/01/2022 09:47

[quote user5656555]@JanuaryBluehoo and yet you've made it quite black and white. A "few years" might not sound like much, but when is it in reality actually just a "few years" the impact is felt for much longer and depending on the career some never fully recover, or it's a real struggle. The stats demonstrate it clearly enough. Many women talk about part time being the compromise, but that will still have a huge impact on pension and a degree of vulnerability for the parent if they become single (salary dependent).[/quote]
And not only the impact on your career but also the impact on mental health. 6 years later and I'm still suffering.

an0ther0ther · 11/01/2022 09:50

I think a lot of people who are SAHMs are scared to post on this kind of thread because describing the various reasons you are a SAHM gets interpreted as smug or as a criticism against those who work. But all anyone can talk about is their own personality, their own children / family, their own particular work prospects and their own particular finances. It’s irrelevant what other people do because they are making decisions in a totally different context. Some women are miserable as a SAHM; other women are totally miserable having to hand children over to someone else. You feel the way you feel. That’s all there is to it. Just do what you need to do OP.

RidingMyBike · 11/01/2022 09:52

It's fine to go back even if you could afford to stay off, if that's what you want to do. It's often harder to get back into work after a gap than if you've continued. I found part-time offered a good balance of time at work doing things I enjoyed and time with DD also doing things I enjoyed (I would have struggled a lot being at home with her all the time). And she benefitted enormously from being in nursery - it really boosted her confidence and she learnt loads more than she would have done with me. I also think a happy parent makes for a happy child.

We've also found that longer term it's paid off. I was able to get a new higher level post by the time DD started school, which would never have happened if I'd left work. I've got those years of pension contributions etc.

SpinsForGin · 11/01/2022 10:01

[quote user5656555]@JanuaryBluehoo yes...look it up, I'm not doing the research for you, the impact has been extensively measured and discussed.[/quote]
I research womens career development for my job and I can vouch for this.

Simonjt · 11/01/2022 10:10

@JanuaryBluehoo

A huge impact for a few years whilst children are non verbal?

In a career that could last 40 plus??

My cousin is a NICU, four years out of work means she is no longer capable of doing her job without additional training. Her wife is a doctor, she also wouldn’t be capable of doing her job with such a long time off.

manseymoo1987 · 11/01/2022 10:12

@JanuaryBluehoo

Yes if I took a few years out of my career, I would have to re-register, complete additional training and demonstrate certain competencies.

Idontknowlondon · 12/01/2022 16:37

[quote manseymoo1987]@JanuaryBluehoo

Yes if I took a few years out of my career, I would have to re-register, complete additional training and demonstrate certain competencies. [/quote]
Yes, there's lots of jobs like this. Nurses, Drs, social workers, OTs etc. Any where professional registration is required because it's really difficult to maintain registration whilst not working, impossible in some jobs.

GrandmasCat · 15/01/2022 10:03

That also applies to plenty of jobs where technological and programming knowledge evolves so quickly a couple of years break can send you back to square one.

hibbledibble · 15/01/2022 10:25

@Bumpitybumper

Fore and foremost OP, don't be a SAHP if you don't want to be one. It won't benefit anybody if it's not something you have a desire to do. It really is as simple as that.

This thread seems to have veered into a wider discussion about the benefits and risks of being a SAHP. Points I would like to make on this are:

Ultimately this is a debate about balancing raising children with working. We all will have different opinions about what this ideally looks like and the trade offs we are prepared to make. This can range from being a SAHP, working PT, working FT hours in compressed format or working FT. You can enforce strict rules around working in the evenings or at the weekend and prioritise attending important events for your child. Some people have grandparents or can afford expensive childcare that can support more demanding careers whilst others are have financial constraints that will mean they can only work certain hours as the cost of childcare is so prohibitive. There absolutely is not a one size fits all approach that will work for everyone and we need to be really careful not to judge other people's choices when we have no real idea about the parameters they are working with.

Any concession you make to motherhood and raising children will probably have some impact on your career. Simply being pregnant and having some maternity leave can be enough to set you back. Mothers get paid less than their childfree colleagues irrespective of hours worked. Very few mothers will escape being penalised for having children. If you don't think this is right or fair then we must band together to fight for better rights and protection rather than chastise each other for not making 'better' choices that could have limited the damage to our careers.

You are not setting a bad example to your child by pursuing a deep desire or dream. For some this may be career related but for others this may well be being a SAHP. Both are equally valid if they are your path towards fulfillment and achieving your life goals. It is important though that you pursue this in a sensible and prudent way. Make sure you have the financial protection that exists around insurance. Make sure that you are married and will have some level of financial security of your marriage was to break down. Make sure you have a clear exit strategy if being a SAHP is no longer viable. Have you enough money to retrain? Have you a business idea? Can you maintain any qualifications and memberships that will increase your employability in the future? Etc etc.

Excellently put.

We really need to get away from the mind set that mothers should feel guilty for working. Fathers rarely feel this.

I am proud to be a working mother. Having spent six years at university, and many more years in postgraduate training, I would see staying at home to be a real shame. Not only am I setting a good example to my children, but I am also using my skills and knowledge in a sector that has a shortage. I also see it as paying back my debt to society, given the cost involved in my training (doctor). As difficult as my job is, it is also hugely rewarding and gives me great personal satisfaction.

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