To work even though I could afford to stay home?

[Alfixn]

I have a good career in a professional job which I find mentally stimulating, although it is extremely demanding, and the hours are long.

I have just had my first baby and my mat leave is ending soon. I have slightly reduced my hours to fit in better with childcare, although I will still be working longer hours than most full time jobs.

I've never considered not going back.... but financially, we can afford for me to be a SAHM.

A comment on another thread got me wondering if it's an unusual choice to make, to go back to work when I don't "have to". I love my daughter and don't want to be away from her, but never envisioned having a family meaning the end of my own career.

I'm curious now about what most women would choose if they were in my position.

For me identity became a huge thing when I found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t not return to work because I didn’t want to not be the person I’d always been. And for me personally, child-rearing didn’t utilise my brain in the way I needed.

So I went back part time when my baby was four months old. It made me very happy as it meant I felt I was adding being a mother to myself, rather than mothering overwriting everything that had gone before.

I could have stayed at home with my only. At the time, a lot of new mums around me were doing that, but I enjoyed work, there was a good creche near work that we used to DD commuted with us, and it worked well for our family. I had told my bosses I was cutting back on travel committments, with at least no travel until DD was a year old (I could only take 14 weeks statutory mat leave back that, I added 4 weeks unpaid to it so she was just about 5 months old when I went back to the office but I was still b'fing so reached that agreement with bosses).

As it happened, I got a place on a taught Masters when DD was 9 months - a year out of work doing a full time taught course and another year writing a thesis alongside desk job (on related matters) and then a different role internally so travel didn't arise again until she was 5 and I had another internal change.

Go back to work. Keep your hand in and your pension contributions up. Even reduced hours is better than not working.

Financially I could be a SAHM, sometimes it does even seem like that would be more sensible at the moment! But I'm not ready to give over my whole identity to being a mum and I fear I'd struggle to get back into work later down the line. I have reduced my hours though, and that works for me at the.moment, then I can always up them again once the children are a bit older.

I don't know many people who have chosen to stay home but the few I do have been more due to their wages barely covering childcare so it not feeling worth it.

Financial freedom affords you the greatest thing- choice! If you want to go back do so, I did and I have worked with many women who have.

When I went back after having my first, my income barely covered childcare but we both saw it as an investment. I too never really considered not going back. I went back on 4 days and moved to 5 days when he started school.In the 4 years I have been back I have had 3 promotions and and now pregnant with my second. It’s not just about the money when you first go back but your progression and opportunities that you gain by not having a longer break from work.

Wow, thank you all so, so much for the replies. I very much thought I would get the opposite type of response so this has all been very heartening to read!

The points re pension and unexpected life events are food for thought, but a lot of you mentioned self fulfilment too, and that's a large part of it for me. My identity is massively tied up in what I do, and I really enjoy the mental challenge it gives me as well as the opportunity to keep expanding my skills.

We are lucky enough to have an excellent nanny lined up and despite the long hours we work, my husband and I have shifted around our time on so that our daughter will only need to be with the nanny 3 days a week. Still it's hard not to have moments of doubt or guilt, but with all the above in mind, you have all erased the small portion of doubt that had crept in for me.

Thank you again!

This isn't a permanent decision. Do what you think is right for you now. You can always change it by cutting down in the future if you wish.

@Alfixn

Wow, thank you all so, so much for the replies. I very much thought I would get the opposite type of response so this has all been very heartening to read!

The points re pension and unexpected life events are food for thought, but a lot of you mentioned self fulfilment too, and that's a large part of it for me. My identity is massively tied up in what I do, and I really enjoy the mental challenge it gives me as well as the opportunity to keep expanding my skills.

We are lucky enough to have an excellent nanny lined up and despite the long hours we work, my husband and I have shifted around our time on so that our daughter will only need to be with the nanny 3 days a week. Still it's hard not to have moments of doubt or guilt, but with all the above in mind, you have all erased the small portion of doubt that had crept in for me.

Thank you again!

And to add - the thought of being a positive role model for my daughter is also quite gratifying.

I don't think there's any right or wrong and it depends on what you want and what works for your family.

I went back to work 3 days per week after maternity leave and still work 3 days (DDs are 4 and 2.) I've always said that it's the best of both worlds in terms of work life balance as I keep my hand in with work and get the mental stimulation and social side of working but also have time in the week with them, DDs only need three days a week of nursery/after school club.

Granted, my pension will have been impacted and that is definitely a negative but I feel that I've at least kept a foot in the door and I've been promoted during my time working part time (I know there can be an issue with good quality PT work so feel lucky in this respect.) I've also had time with my DDs that I'll never get back when they're little and been home with me twice a week.

That's just my perspective but I'd never be a SAHP, I'd rather work full time than stay at home. Mainly because I think I'd be a frazzled, bored mum and am just not cut out for staying at home but also because I wouldn't give up my financial independence.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or does OP. Personally, I did not return to work after our children and I’ve never regretted it for a second. But we were never ‘living off his income’ iyswim, because at the time I could have returned to work (once they were all in school) he had sold a company for millions so it was different financial decision context by that point. When, as a family you have money invested in ways that work for you regardless of ‘income,’ then I think you can be a SAHM longer term and explore other interests as the kids get older. I would have not have been a long-term SAHM with a ‘salary man’ without significant other investments snd income streams / property etc - even if he earned hundreds of thousands a year or whatever - because if he left the income would go with him and that’s too risky. But, to be honest, even in that scenario, I still think I still would have risked being a SAHM for a few years because it’s important to me and you only live once. You never get that time back! For me, it would have been a risk worth taking, but I totally understand why others would have a different attitude.

I could have afforded to stay off but never considered doing so. I value my independence and worked hard to get where I am today. I Also didn't want to be financially dependent on DH. I don't think that would have done my mental health any good.

I'm really proud of my salary, which is equal to my husband's. It means I can give my child a good life and pay for university and activities etc... I feel happy when I spend money because I know half of it's my money which I worked hard to get.

I didn't have to but was desperate for a regular break from childcare so went back pt at four and five months respectively.
I effectively worked for nothing for over two years when both were in nursery. DH didn't want to be a SAHP any more than I did.
Work preserved my sanity and my skills.
Now 19 and 16 and never a single regret.
And my pension looks great.

SAHM here.

I totally get the comments about how it could backfire giving up work and relying on a man to support you financially isn't for everyone.

I have 4 dc's and gave up work when I had my first.
There have definitely been times the thought of going out to work has seemed tempting!
Now the dc's are older I do some pt work for the family business, but I'm 40 now and the thought of going back to a career exhausts me.

I am relatively financially secure though as I have several assets (rental properties) in my name.

Even if that wasn't the case though I would've stayed home with my dc's - I've never regretted it.

You do what feels right for you. You don't get that time back when they're little - but some women have high flying careers they don't want to give up (understandably) or may not enjoy the tedium you can sometimes feel being at home a large proportion of the time.

Horses for courses!

I certainly don’t need to work. We could easily live on DH’s salary. Alternatively, DH could be a SAHP because we could easily live on my salary. We both work because it is best for our family to have a better financial situation and because it is best for us each individually to have earning power and the ability to support the family in the event things go awry.

YANBU, I have two DC and DH is a high earner. If I told him I'd have wanted to stay home he'd have agreed, but I really really didn't. I've worked 4 days since I went back after DC1 and have increased my earning potential hugely since then. I intend to go back FT compressed hours when mine are both in school. I would have been a miserable, understimulated SAHM: I'm a happy, challenged, financially strong working mum and I intend to overtake DH in salary before I'm done.

YANBU I don’t “need” to work either and I’m not right now due to relocating but I find not working mind numbing. I wouldn’t choose to stay this way long term

but financially, we can afford for me to be a SAHM.

But you don't want to. You don't have to do things that you don't want to do, just because you could and someone else, a different person, would.

I’m the same as you and work FT. Kids are thriving, I could support our family if needed, I’m racking up a pension, we have a nice life.. We’re happy!

I’m the opposite- really I need to work but I can’t bring myself to do it, for many reasons. My own health issues
My dc health issues
I feel like I wish I could dig deep and find the energy to do it as dh is just struggling to keep us afloat but I’ll crumble I know it

I was/am in your position. I went back at the minimum my employer would allow which was 3 days per week.

@Kshhuxnxk

I'm old school, I've never seen the point of having children, sticking them in nursery and going back to work. However I fully support everyones right to do what is right for them.

Feel exactly this You don’t get this time back with them

I don't have to work but I do. I had extended mat leave thanks to covid and I was ready to go back. I do four days and find it the perfect balance, I've been promoted and feel I'm at my best both at work and at home with this set up. I worked hard to get where I am and earn a decent salary. The money means we have more freedom for the things we like and to save for ours and DD's future.

Never, ever depend on a man financially, there's a 50 percent chance you'll end up divorced and broke.

Go back to work and set a wonderful example for your DC. Make sure DH does exactly half the pick ups, sick days etc, mat leave is over, you are no longer the default parent