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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To work even though I could afford to stay home?

164 replies

Alfixn · 10/01/2022 14:30

I have a good career in a professional job which I find mentally stimulating, although it is extremely demanding, and the hours are long.

I have just had my first baby and my mat leave is ending soon. I have slightly reduced my hours to fit in better with childcare, although I will still be working longer hours than most full time jobs.

I've never considered not going back.... but financially, we can afford for me to be a SAHM.

A comment on another thread got me wondering if it's an unusual choice to make, to go back to work when I don't "have to". I love my daughter and don't want to be away from her, but never envisioned having a family meaning the end of my own career.

I'm curious now about what most women would choose if they were in my position.

OP posts:
ellenpartridge · 10/01/2022 14:56

Definitely not unusual. I hardly know any sahm. I know absolutely loads of professional working mothers. They could afford to stay home but they haven't chosen to. I'm the same. I work 4 days which seems to be pretty typical. My friends tend to do 3 or 4 days.

DeepaBeesKit · 10/01/2022 15:00

I chose part time (4 days) & with a lot of flex. I'm lucky this works for us as a family. I'm 100% wfh since Covid but had planned on dropping to 3 days if wfh hadnt happened.

Enzbear · 10/01/2022 15:02

I could have afforded to sah but I didn't want to. I did tweak my hours though. It meant that we were able to invest my earnings and afford all the extras without any money worries. I'm glad I did especially pension wise. Also it means that me and DH are both at the same stage at the same time- just gone part time and planning to retire in a few years.

RandomLondoner · 10/01/2022 15:05

I've never considered not going back.... but financially, we can afford for me to be a SAHM.

My outlook is that you only have enough money if you can afford for both of you to maintain your current lifestyle, even if divorced and living in two separate households, with neither of you working.

So, if for example you currently live on 50K a year, you need between you 100K a year investment income, which in turn means you need maybe 25 times that amount, i.e. 2.5 million pounds, invested inside pensions and ISAs.

RandomLondoner · 10/01/2022 15:07

Of course 99% of people can't achieve that. Which is why most people shouldn't give up work before they're old.

VimFuego101 · 10/01/2022 15:08

I think it's short sighted to only think of whether your total monthly income covers your bills when making the decision to go back to work. You need to think about pensions, your financial security if you divorced (or if you're not married, you're in a pretty precarious position ) and how hard it will be to get back into a similar career/ job level later on if you leave.

thepeopleversuswork · 10/01/2022 15:11

You'd be crazy to give up your job:

You'll be financially vulnerable if you do: you never know what the future holds and you need to have some insurance.
It's important to keep up pension contributions.
It's really hard to get back into the labour force after a significant amount of time off.
I personally think its also important to have some stimulation outside the home if possible although not everyone agrees but you clearly like your job.
Go part time if you must but don't stop work.

TellMeItsPossible · 10/01/2022 15:14

If I could go back in time I wouldn't have left my job.

Guacamole001 · 10/01/2022 15:17

I think it will be good for you not just for financial reasons.

MajorCarolDanvers · 10/01/2022 15:18

I love my children but I could not be a full time SAHP even though I could afford it.

I had a year off with each for maternity leave and with my first I reduced my hours for a year, then DH did the same. He never wanted to be a full time SAHP either.

But ongoing no, I couldn't do it. I need mental stimulation and adult company. I have a good career and I am good at my job.

I am happy being a parent and having a career.

Cherryblossoms85 · 10/01/2022 15:19

We both work full time with 3 kids and we're definitely making a mistake. So...instead of deciding to go part-time, I've applied for a promotion. Good skills. No advice really but the older your kids are, the harder it gets.

SallyWD · 10/01/2022 15:19

If I was you I'd go part time for a few years. But that's me. You have to decide what's best for you. I was so pleased I got to spend so much time with my children when they were small. Yes it was sometimes tough and sometimes dull but it was worth it in my opinion.

SofiaSoFar · 10/01/2022 15:21

No way would I give up work in your shoes.

I didn't in similar circumstances - good, well paid career but no need at all for my salary.

Just have a look at the number of women who post on MN about their - self-inflicted - lack of financial independence and imagine voluntarily putting yourself in that situation.

Slingingcontest · 10/01/2022 15:23

It's entirely up to you op! It depends on your individual character; whether you are a homebody or not, how resilient you are to stress, how your dc adapt to nursery or school, how good you are at compartmentalizing, how healthy you are, how healthy your DH is, what your savings and pensions are like and your overall financial position and whether you enjoy your job or not.

And of course all of those things can change over time!

Personally for me, the best combination of all was when I worked three days a week.

AlDanvers · 10/01/2022 15:23

Yanbu. I have worked apart from Mat leave.

Everyone should look at the options and then decided what is best for them and theirs.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/01/2022 15:24

My only advice is don’t assume how you feel now is how you will always feel. I have a toddler and a child in school, I can say my toddler doesn’t really care who plays with her and I don’t feel guilt when I work- my eldest finishes at 3pm, I like the fact she can come straight home, I like knowing the school mums, I like being around to help with homework given the flexibility of my job

GeneGenie123 · 10/01/2022 15:26

I would say if you are happy to be a working mum you should stay in your job. Some women find it very hard to go back to work and pour everything into their children. If you aren't like that... that's okay!

Working part time or reducing hours if you'd like to is a good way to go.

Just 2 observations I've made lately in regards to having more disposable income... 3 friends have confided in me that if they were financially independent they would leave their partners. As it is they have to stay in an unsatisfying home situation. Also, money brings you choices, be that in a relationship, where you wish to live, lifestyle.
Also, as my children have got older if I could earn enough to give them that better lifestyle/private school or a home big enough so they could have their own bedrooms I really wish I could.

I would say financial independence is really important for your happiness and makes a huge impact on the choices you have available to you.

MatildaJayne · 10/01/2022 15:30

I had a great job, 10 years after graduating, had moved up the ranks. Then I had my first DS and I became a SAHM. We could just about afford it at the time, then my H's income increased and it became more comfortable. My DS2 has SN so it became difficult to get back to work as childcare was virtually impossible.

I finally found a term time, school hours job. Brilliant.

Then exH left for another woman. It has been pretty shit and I still work in a low paid job to fit around my DS2.

If you can keep up your career, and want to, do that! Don't make my mistake.

SisterConcepta · 10/01/2022 15:31

I would keep my job if I were you - maybe at reduced hours.
It is so easy to give up your job for a year or two and suddenly the years fly by and you are out of work 6 years and it is so difficult to get back if you want/need to... not least because your children are used to you being around and don't want to go to after school childcare.
Also at this point your husband is used to you doing 100% of the childcare / mental load and again if you go back to work, that mindset is hard to shift so you will end up doing both.
Also do not underestimate how much of your confidence you loose when you are a SAHP....
Speaking from experience here!

Kshhuxnxk · 10/01/2022 15:31

I'm old school, I've never seen the point of having children, sticking them in nursery and going back to work. However I fully support everyones right to do what is right for them.

olivehater · 10/01/2022 15:31

I think most people would choose part time if it’s possible to get the best of both worlds. I have and am very happy. DH earns a lot more than me and I don’t need to work. but my job is a part of my identity. I could not do it full time though and raise my kids the way I want to.

padsi1975 · 10/01/2022 15:35

I can't afford to stay at home. Part of me would absolutely love to and I think my kids would be better off (more time to help them with homework, get some of their activities done during week rather than squeezing into weekend, etc). But I'd hate to be so reliant financially on husband. I don't think I could ever accept that risk. It has always felt like a no win situation to me.

Guardup · 10/01/2022 15:38

I am about 10 year ahead of you.

I had a decent career and was pretty much financially independent from my husband at the time we had my first child. We decided that I would give it up to become a SAHM. I worked long hours (as does my husband) and I just couldn’t see how I would be happy with not seeing her too much in the week.
I then went on to have 2 more children and have been a SAHM all this time. It’s been absolutely wonderful. It took a few years to get used to the money side of things for both of us, but me being at home meant my husbands career has really gone from strength to strength. Now my youngest is due to go to primary school I’ve been very lucky in being able to pick my career back up and am returning to my old work place 10 years later.

But this is what I would recommend thinking about

  1. Carry on paying into you pension. I realise now I didn’t and I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.
  2. Ensure you have adequate life insurance on you and you husband in the event he can’t work or the worst happens.
  3. Think about retraining or keeping your skills relevant in some way when your child is in nursery/preschool. It will help enormously with getting back into the workplace when you are ready.

I wouldn’t have had it any other way and am
extremely grateful to have had the time with my children with no other distraction. But I’m very lucky in that my husbands business thrived, we didn’t get divorced/separate and I’ve been able to get back to my career quite quickly. There is a lot that can go wrong that leaves you extremely vulnerable as a SAHM which is why so many women on here, rightly, value their financial independence.

Best of luck with whatever you choose xx

AlexaShutUp · 10/01/2022 15:38

@Kshhuxnxk

I'm old school, I've never seen the point of having children, sticking them in nursery and going back to work. However I fully support everyones right to do what is right for them.
Surely the point of having children is to get the satisfaction of raising happy, well balanced individuals who will contribute positively to society? And to experience the unique love that most parents typically have for their children? I'm not sure that the employment status of the mother has much bearing on either of these?
SpinsForGin · 10/01/2022 15:42

We could afford for me to stay at home but i chose to go back full time as I love my job and it is important for me to financially independent. Seven years down the line I have zero regrets!

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