To work even though I could afford to stay home?

[Alfixn]

I have a good career in a professional job which I find mentally stimulating, although it is extremely demanding, and the hours are long.

I have just had my first baby and my mat leave is ending soon. I have slightly reduced my hours to fit in better with childcare, although I will still be working longer hours than most full time jobs.

I've never considered not going back.... but financially, we can afford for me to be a SAHM.

A comment on another thread got me wondering if it's an unusual choice to make, to go back to work when I don't "have to". I love my daughter and don't want to be away from her, but never envisioned having a family meaning the end of my own career.

I'm curious now about what most women would choose if they were in my position.

Definitely work at least part time. It's not about what you can afford to now but the long term impact on your experience and earning potential. And also your ability to be totally financially independent if you ever needed to be.

I always find it funny how working mums get all arsey like this and make comments about being "unfulfilled" as a sahm - when the sahm on here haven't said anything of the sort and also don't make disparaging comments about working mums.

I read it as one poster saying she would have felt trapped as a SAHM, not that all SAHMs must feel this way. Plenty of women who are happy and fulfilled being SAHMs but this is not for everybody.

I was in this position and decided to go back but reduced how many days a week I work. Felt like best of both worlds.

@G5000

I always find it funny how working mums get all arsey like this and make comments about being "unfulfilled" as a sahm - when the sahm on here haven't said anything of the sort and also don't make disparaging comments about working mums.

I read it as one poster saying she would have felt trapped as a SAHM, not that all SAHMs must feel this way. Plenty of women who are happy and fulfilled being SAHMs but this is not for everybody.

Thank you. That is how I intended it. I’m not sure why the poster was so bothered by what I wrote about my own experience.

@Fallagain

I’m a sahp but I think everyone should do what is right for their own families. A happy Mum is pretty essential to a happy family.

I agree. I was a sahm for a good while because my child has disabilities. I now work part time. I love my life.

The only thing I’d disagree with from this thread is that sahms can’t get back into work. I truly believed that (partly because mumsnet told me so!) and was a nervous wreck looking for jobs. In the end it was easy and when I told my boss this in passing he said I was worrying for no reason as I clearly had skills and experience so they got me cheaply!

Do what’s best for you. If you stop liking it, change it. Don’t feel stuck. You’re in control of your destiny!

See now, I’d rather my kid have quality time with a parent who felt fulfilled and happy, than with one who felt hemmed in and trapped as a SAHM

I think it's the "see now" at the beginning that makes it seem rather aggressive and in response to some of the SAHM comments rather than coming from a positive place.
It's definitely a bit arsey.

@gamerchick

It's tempting but I wouldn't give up financial security to rely on a partner financially long term.

This. With bells on. Mat leave spent perusing Relationships threads in the silent watches of the breastfeeding night made me realise just how vulnerable I could become

Plus role model, choice for both parents, greater choice through more family financial security etc etc.

Everyone's circs are different. A child with additional needs for example. Incomes are often wildly disparate though staying at home doesn't help that long term - maternity leave will create a blip for a bit. Corporate attitudes to men doing their share have been historically crap particularly in some industries.
I didn't contemplate giving up work but I knew I'd be a better mother away from the daily grind it can often be.

My children are grown up now but I was in your position. Could easily afford not to work but chose to. I felt it was expected that I work, all my friends and colleagues went straight back to work. So I did.

In hindsight I regret it hugely. I could have taken a 5 year career break and instead I went back after 6 months, twice.

If I was doing it again I would spend the time at home while they were little. A few years out of a lifetime of working.

Do what works for you, with the comfort of knowing, that should you want to, you can cut your hours further or stop working completely. Just keep an eye to further down the line when kids are off to school and almost independent of you.

We could easily afford for me to be a sahm but even after two weeks hols I am needing to get back into the real world and my routine! I find I get depressed and snappy.

We live very rurally tho and you can easily go a couple of days without seeing anyone, so I suppose that doesn't help.

I am a SAHM. I absolutely would have gone back to work if I were in your position. I love my children dearly, but I am not cut out for being a SAHP, and I think my DTs would’ve had more fun being in nursery.

I’d go part time if I was you. I didn’t work full time until my son was 9 and it was the right choice for me. Three of those years were at uni though. It meant I could spend lots of time with DS enjoying being his mum but still keep my professional identity.

Please ensure you can always earn enough money to be self supporting in the event you separate. I feel that if you are in that situation, the man in your life cannot exert sufficient control to ensure you do what he wants, rather than you do what YOU want.

It's not unusual at all. I work in a well paid profession. Most people have 2 incomes with both partners earning well. Most people still choose to work even if they could easily cope on one income. For a start off the extra security is so important. Most people like to keep their options open for the future and losing your career seems like a short term view. You could have 10 years off and come back to it but why make life hard? Most of my friends don't "need" both salaries but equally the lifestyle is nicer with 2 people working: better house better holidays, more money to make nice life for DC, money for retirement.

Staying at home is not for everyone, or Most.

Personally with my mortgage paid off years ago I don't need to work but I like it.

Plus mumsnet is full of tales of women whose "high earning" husband left them and then they are stuck. Even worse the people whose partner is ill or died. Or lost their job.

Due to the cost of a very lovey nursery, I will be actually effectively paying £500 a month to go to work after mat leave no. 2 (fees are £2000, I earn £1500). But I love my job and wouldn't risk giving it up, I want to keep on paying into my pension and I love the sense of achievement it brings outside of raising my children. So no- you're definitely rely not being unreasonable!

Something i have found as time goes on is that being able to work in well paid fullfilling work is a real privilege. At any point our own health might make working impossible, or we might need to become a carer for a spouse or child who has needs. Then you cant work anymore and it is financially hard. I think making hay while the sunshines is very wise.

Sorry for all the typos 🤦‍♀️

It's up to you. Not everybody wants to be a SAHM and that's totally fine. It's your decision. Doesn't matter what you can afford, it's about what will make you happiest.

I always find it funny how working mums get all arsey like this and make comments about being "unfulfilled" as a sahm - when the sahm on here haven't said anything of the sort and also don't make disparaging comments about working mums

Is it bad that I find it monotonous?
I don’t think it’s bad that you/sahp don’t find it
monotonous.

Just like some humans like Stilton, I ducking hate it. Neither is invalid.

I'm a SAHM and have been since I had my dd 17 years ago. I love it. I feel privileged that I've had the choice and we've been lucky in that we can afford it.

Now my children are older I'm more involved with volunteering etc so I'm never bored. I'm actually really grateful that I got to spend the time with them before they both leave to go to University.

My dd is applying to study vet med so it's not as if I've set feminism back to the 50s.

@FTEngineerM indeed. And yet it's fine to say "but WHY have kids to put them in childcare" not disparaging at all apparently 🤷‍♀️

I think in general you get one life and you should live it in a way that makes you happy and fulfilled. If what will you want is to go back full time or close to then you should do that. It may also be worth considering reducing to 60/80% for a while as it might make for an easier transition back and you may find one or two days at home is fine. Regardless you can prioritise spending time with the kids outside work and you may well have the option to take some blocks of time off in the future (I’m having a couple of summer holidays off using unpaid parental leave over next few years). Equally if someone wants to take a career break and be a SAHP then I’d say go for it and enjoy the time with the kids but if option exists to do a bit of work in a block occasionally to keep your skills up to date or you can get great part time hours consider those too. There isn’t a right or a wrong answer anymore than it’s right or wrong to live in a terrace vs detached house or be religious vs atheist etc. What feels perfect for one person might be someone else’s worst nightmare.

you may find one or two days at home is fun not fine 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Bluebluemoon

See now, I’d rather my kid have quality time with a parent who felt fulfilled and happy, than with one who felt hemmed in and trapped as a SAHM

I think it's the "see now" at the beginning that makes it seem rather aggressive and in response to some of the SAHM comments rather than coming from a positive place.
It's definitely a bit arsey.

No it isn’t. How do I know this? Because I wrote it. What’s aggressive about ‘see now’? It’s dialect. I often start sentences with it verbally and it reaches my written vernacular.

You’re projecting bad feeling onto what I wrote for some reason, because I said I’d trapped and unfulfilled as a SAHM. Which is true. I would and I did so I went back to work and that makes me happy and enjoy my time with my child more.

Why are you so determined I’m being arsey? Why would I be arsey about women who choose to stay at home? What would I have to gain? People should do what makes them happy. I did.

I can only assume you’re projecting something that you’re feeling onto my post, because I said I was happy working…