Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To work even though I could afford to stay home?

164 replies

Alfixn · 10/01/2022 14:30

I have a good career in a professional job which I find mentally stimulating, although it is extremely demanding, and the hours are long.

I have just had my first baby and my mat leave is ending soon. I have slightly reduced my hours to fit in better with childcare, although I will still be working longer hours than most full time jobs.

I've never considered not going back.... but financially, we can afford for me to be a SAHM.

A comment on another thread got me wondering if it's an unusual choice to make, to go back to work when I don't "have to". I love my daughter and don't want to be away from her, but never envisioned having a family meaning the end of my own career.

I'm curious now about what most women would choose if they were in my position.

OP posts:
Tillsforthrills · 10/01/2022 20:12

You shouldn’t feel guilty about it at all.

AliceW89 · 10/01/2022 20:15

There is no right or wrong. For me, going back to work was 100% the right thing to do, but I fully understand why people chose not too. My mental health improved drastically and I really relish the time I have off with DS. We could (at a push) afford to live of either my salary or my DH’s if we were full time. To allow us to both enjoy our DS while he is tiny AND remain competitive in our respective carers, we have both gone less than full time (DH 80%, me 70%) and it’s working wonderfully.

user5656555 · 10/01/2022 20:20

You don’t get this time back with them

Thank fuck for that, the once is enough!

FTEngineerM · 10/01/2022 20:21

You don’t get this time back with them

And that’s bad?

WaningMoon · 10/01/2022 20:22

I gave up my career to be a SAHP , and I absolutely loved being at home with the kids, it surprised me because up until the moment I had my first I was pretty sure I would be going back to work but then along came DS and everything changed!

Anyway I went back to work pt when my youngest was in year 2, I work school hours in a HR role for the NHS and it’s the perfect pt job , and soon DH will be going pt too which he more than deserves to be able to switch down gears a bit !

But my point is - if you want to be a SAHP then go for it. If not then don’t. There are posts all over mn from women who would love to go back to work and can’t and also women who hate being a working parent and want to give up work but you need to make the right decision for you and your family.

And of course, decisions can be reversed- hate being at home then go back to work, hate being a working parent then give up work , nothing is set in stone.

KO81 · 10/01/2022 20:23

Feel exactly this
You don’t get this time back with them

See now, I’d rather my kid have quality time with a parent who felt fulfilled and happy, than with one who felt hemmed in and trapped as a SAHM. I treasure our time together and have the finances and the mental wherewithal to be a great parent because I’m fulfilled in all aspects of my life.

As a PP said, horses for courses.

G5000 · 10/01/2022 20:23

you don't get years 4-18 back either but most people still 'stick' the kids in school.

Hugasauras · 10/01/2022 20:26

Work gives me a sense of self that I really need. I love my time at home with DD but I also want to have my own stuff going on. For me, part time works well. DD loves nursery, and I get time to develop my own career and interests. Then we get plenty of time together too. But I think that work/SAHP is inevitably just a red herring anyway as it's about quality of care, not quantity.

Totalwasteofpaper · 10/01/2022 20:26

@girlmom21

I'm on maternity leave with my 2nd. I'm the same as you - we can afford for me to stay home, but I don't want to.

I don't want to rely on someone else for me to have whatever I want in life.
If we split up id have no income and have lost years of experience/progression.
If DP lost his job, or got sick, we wouldn't have the stress of surviving on nothing.
I want my children to grow up knowing you work for what you want - not that a man will provide everything.

I am pregnant with my first but this is how I feel.

As another poster said money gives you choices - I like having choices.

Hugasauras · 10/01/2022 20:31

It's also important to me that my daughter grows up with shared care at home between her dad and I, not a default parent, and that she sees both our jobs are equally important.

GrandmasCat · 10/01/2022 20:35

Taking a career break after maternity leave is my only regret in life. I suggest you go back to work at least part time. If you love your profession and are proud of what you do, you may find it somewhat difficult loosing that part of your identity.

You may also find that you will miss the social contact of the office when spending the whole week with a baby, even if you manage some outings with other mums.

If your kid becomes a very active/demanding/clingy toddler, you may even find working a breeze.

Personally, DS and I had a much better quality time several times a week when I was working than when I wasn’t (when I wasn’t everyday was like Groundhog Day for me and DS didn’t have as many opportunities for socialisation/to play with other kids). Yes, he may have learned Makaton with so many bloody CBBies but being in front of the TV regularly was not really good enough for him (and yes, I took him out every day, did baking and painting at home, and took him to plenty of toddler classes).

Cakeandcardio · 10/01/2022 20:40

There's so many different responses here so you really have to go with your gut! For me, we can't quite afford for me not to work at all so I work part time. But all I do is miss my baby, although he does enjoy nursery. I just feel what's the point in having children if you have them in childcare for most of the time. I also see some people saying they want to be a good role model and not rely on someone else for money etc. But me and DH work together to have what we have - I don't rely on him to top up the bills or whatever, we are contributing all we have in different ways to our family life (I make the dinners etc). My mum was a SAHM and not once did I view her as not working- she did plenty for us and when I got my career, I worked damn hard to progress up the ladder. Since having DC, I've happily started treated my career as just a job as my real work happens at home now.

GrandmasCat · 10/01/2022 20:43

… but most importantly, becoming a one income household is quite risky, he may get I’ll, he may die, he may resent you or he may miss the person you currently are, you may even grow to resent him back. My ex is a very high earner but after divorce DS and I relied heavily on Tax Credits for a good few years, we wouldn’t have had such degree of hardship if I had kept my career, at the end of the day, child maintenance only asks for 15% of the salary of the non resident parent and that is if dad has no contact at all.

I can assure you that, as every divorced mother, there was nothing in his behaviour that could have warned me how nasty he was going to be after he found someone else.

Throwntothewolves · 10/01/2022 20:43

I didn't have the choice as I'm the main earner, but I wouldn't have stopped working if I could have. I put a lot into establishing a good career and I love it so why would I give it up? I may have gone part time though, but I'm glad I didn't after Covid showed up how vulnerable my part time colleagues may be to redundancy.

Do what is right for you, no regrets.

Gunghoing · 10/01/2022 20:45

In modern life both women AND men can stay at home if they wish. It's ground breaking I know. So you don't have to be a stay at home mum. He could be a stay at home dad. OR you could both reduce your hours. Or both work full time. It just doesn't matter.

surreygoldfish · 10/01/2022 20:48

Down to personal choice. I haven’t needed to work but always have, albeit PT for many years and then latterly FT again. Youngest now 14 so out the other side, no regrets but it’s had its ups and downs. I knew I didn’t want to be a FT SAHM so an easy decision for me…. hasn’t been without its stresses though and I’m not sure the kids see it as a good role model - they would have preferred me at home FT!

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 10/01/2022 20:56

I don't have to work, we could live on DHs salary. I enjoy my job, I'm good at it and I need intellectual stimulation that I just won't get at home. I enjoyed my mat leave but was eager to get back to work. I also like being a two income household, we can have and do things we want rather than just need, we can save well for ourselves and DS, I would feel incredibly uncomfortable ever being financially reliant on anyone else so could never choose to do that

Frollop · 10/01/2022 20:56

@user5656555 Grin I needed that laugh and @FTEngineerM Grin

OP I was always taught to be financially independent....you never know what the future holds. I see many people say make sure your married before having kids but I know someone who was left with nothing... husband hid his assets...some abroad...she was left with nothing and after the divorce his assets appeared again!

Simonjt · 10/01/2022 20:59

We could afford for one of us to be a stay at home dad, but that would mean the working parent would be losing family time. Neither of us want to be in a situation where one of us is kept away from the children and only having a few hours at the weekend for quality family time. We both think work is important, we also think its important to work hard to set a positive example.

We both currently work four days a week, he does full days I do short days, so really I work 0.6 where as he does 0.8. He’s dropping down to three full days in February.

GoodnightGrandma · 10/01/2022 21:01

If you decide to be a SAHM, get your DH to continue to pay into your pension for you. I wish I’d known this.

PumpkinPie2016 · 10/01/2022 21:02

When DS was born, we could have managed on my husband's wage. However, I always enjoyed my job, despite it being demanding! I also always had in mind what my Nan used to say 'always make sure you can paddle your own canoe' I.e. make sure you can look after yourself!

So, I went back and have, over time, gained promotions and increased my earnings. I still enjoy my job despite the demands of it and balancing with being a mum.

As it turns out, when our son was 2, my husband had to give up his full time job due to ill health so I am forever grateful I kept my job!

Why2why · 10/01/2022 21:03

What sort of household income would you need to have for you or your DH to stay home? Well over £150k?

rubytubeytubes · 10/01/2022 21:05

I would definitely go back to work. I did four days a week which was perfect for me. I would never give up working for all the reasons mentioned above.
I don’t need to work now my children are at school but I enjoy it and I prefer having more income (plus I couldn’t do years at home, I go to work for a rest 😊)

Bluebluemoon · 10/01/2022 21:07

See now, I’d rather my kid have quality time with a parent who felt fulfilled and happy, than with one who felt hemmed in and trapped as a SAHM. I treasure our time together and have the finances and the mental wherewithal to be a great parent because I’m fulfilled in all aspects of my life.

I always find it funny how working mums get all arsey like this and make comments about being "unfulfilled" as a sahm - when the sahm on here haven't said anything of the sort and also don't make disparaging comments about working mums.
It sometimes seems like a bit of projecting going on. If you are happy with your choice, you're happy with it - there's no right or wrong!

you don't get years 4-18 back either but most people still 'stick' the kids in school.

I agree, and that's why I'm glad I stayed home in the pre-school years - they grow up so quick. But that's just me. I don't judge friends who put their babies into nurseries or leave them with a childminder - it just wasn't what I wanted to do.

KO81 · 10/01/2022 21:11

@Bluebluemoon

See now, I’d rather my kid have quality time with a parent who felt fulfilled and happy, than with one who felt hemmed in and trapped as a SAHM. I treasure our time together and have the finances and the mental wherewithal to be a great parent because I’m fulfilled in all aspects of my life.

I always find it funny how working mums get all arsey like this and make comments about being "unfulfilled" as a sahm - when the sahm on here haven't said anything of the sort and also don't make disparaging comments about working mums.
It sometimes seems like a bit of projecting going on. If you are happy with your choice, you're happy with it - there's no right or wrong!

you don't get years 4-18 back either but most people still 'stick' the kids in school.

I agree, and that's why I'm glad I stayed home in the pre-school years - they grow up so quick. But that's just me. I don't judge friends who put their babies into nurseries or leave them with a childminder - it just wasn't what I wanted to do.

I wasn’t being ‘arsey’ @Bluebluemoon. Not in the least. I was being entirely truthful. That’s how I feel. I personally wouldn’t have felt fulfilled being a SAHM. And I would have felt hemmed in.

Please don’t reduce my feelings about how I felt I needed and wanted to work to being ‘arsey’ because what was right for me doesn’t align with what was right for you.