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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Regarding how child maintenance is spent?

149 replies

souperdouper · 09/01/2022 18:32

This isn't me. Honestly. We had dinner last night with a friend who has a bit of a dilemma so I thought I'd bring it here.

Friend is well off but via work not inheritance. He still works in a salaried position. Recently he divorced from his wife. Honestly it was a model divorce. They'd grown apart, wanted different things but are very friendly for the sake of the children. He bought a flat close to his ex wife with rooms for the 3 children, she got the house, plus a lump sum she invested plus gets £6000 a month spousal support /child support. Friend also pays all school fees as well.

Recently he noted that the children weren't getting things. The oldest said that his mum hadn't sent him on the school trip all his friends were going on because it was too expensive. Horse riding stopped. No holiday. That sort of stuff.

So... the dilemma. She has a fully paid off house, investments and 6 grand a month. Friend was wondering where money was going...

It appears her brother who has 2 slightly younger children was unhappy with their state school. He has a good job but school fees are expensive and he couldn't afford to pay for 2 children (years 7&8.) It appears my friends wife has agreed to fund his children's private education throughout secondary school which apparently doesn't leave much left over for her children's expensive extras. Apparently her investment money isn't accessible atm.

Now the AIBU- friend is thinking of just taking on all additional expenses for his children. So trips, riding, other expensive requests. However, while he's well off he's already left each month with a lot less than his ex-wife because he's paying another mortgage for his flat, and this is even more cost to him- because she's funding private education for two children who aren't his. Things are further complicated by the fact he sees the children as his nephews and is fond of them (although their parents have been a bit unpleasant to him post divorce.) DH said he was mad and should take legal advice. I'm on the fence a bit- his wife's lovely and I can see wanting to help family but it seems cheeky. However it is her money (well the spousal support bit is, but isn't some of it supposed to be child support?) and no child ever died due to the lack of a skiing holiday.

Anyway DH and I just don't think it's right but AWBU?

OP posts:

NewMessageFrom · 09/01/2022 18:37

Surely if he is earning enough to pay her 6k a month cm then he could get legal advice on his own

Original poster

souperdouper · 09/01/2022 18:40

Indeed. He's only just found out and is considering options. They have a private arrangement as part of what was an excellent divorce. Realistically he pays way over what he should legally pay but he's really aware that his wife cannot restart her career and wants everyone happy and comfortable.

OP posts:

Original poster

souperdouper · 09/01/2022 18:41

I'm obviously not looking for legal advice here. However I think the moral question is an interesting one.

OP posts:

NewMessageFrom · 09/01/2022 18:41

@souperdouper

Why can't she restart her career? How old is she?

Original poster

souperdouper · 09/01/2022 18:43

She worked in the performing arts. There's nothing for her after a 15 year break as a 40+ woman.

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 09/01/2022 18:44

I must say, I would be pretty pissed off to find out my £6k that’s supposed to help pay towards my kids, was being used for someone else’s children.

Tell him to seek professional advice

OldLadyInPolyester · 09/01/2022 18:44

Nothing useful to add really but £6000 a month! Bleddy hell! But yes I would expect that to go on his own children not his nephews.

AnotherSillawithanS · 09/01/2022 18:44

I think it's none of your business and you've got some neck posting his business.

JugglingJanuary · 09/01/2022 18:47

Go Legal if the 'deal' is better than what she'd have got through the courts, pay her what he has to & then pay for the kids extras himself

His wife is showy, not lovely, if the money he gives her for his DC & her to keep the same standard of living but she's spending it on other people (nephews or not)

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2022 18:47

@souperdouper

She worked in the performing arts. There's nothing for her after a 15 year break as a 40+ woman.

What a good job there are other industries crying out for staff then.

She’s taking the piss. He needs to get legal advice.

ReadySteadyTwins · 09/01/2022 18:48

She has no housing costs. Just food and utilities. And she can't live off £6000 a month with three children who are in full time education??? Even if she's volunteering a grand a month for two other kids fees. That's still £4k. And she can't afford horse riding lessons?

Taketh the piss, she does.

Original poster

souperdouper · 09/01/2022 18:49

@AnotherSillawithanS

I think it's none of your business and you've got some neck posting his business.

Do you understand the concepts of 1) looking for different perspectives 2) anonymous Internet forums with enough details changed and 3) supporting friends to make difficult decisions.

Over the years MN has provided me with invaluable advice and perspectives very different to mine which has been amazing.

OP posts:

SmallElephant · 09/01/2022 18:49

I think that is really cheeky of his ex wife! The money should be going towards your friend's DC, not his nephews' school fees.

RandomMess · 09/01/2022 18:50

If he is giving enough that his DC could easily continue to have the same lifestyle as prior to divorce then the behaviour in inappropriate.

As he is already paying spousal and child maintenance way above the minimum requirement (which is very little tbf) then I would be funded extra curricular stuff directly and deducting it.

I would however be telling the ex why.

There is nothing to stop the ex and her sibling to take out a loan to cover these fees rather than the DC's lifestyle being compromised when adequate financial provision has been made to enable not.

Original poster

souperdouper · 09/01/2022 18:51

@ReadySteadyTwins

Taketh the piss, she does.

London school fees. Way more than a grand a month for 2 children. £20-23 pa per child.

OP posts:

PollyPepper · 09/01/2022 18:51

She needs to get a job

cherish123 · 09/01/2022 18:52

Why does she need spousal support? Why does she need £6k per month? He needs to provide minimal child support and buy the necessities himself for his ex.

Presumably she bought him out.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 09/01/2022 18:53

I would say you’re not getting the full story OP. No woman cancels her own children’s riding lessons and school trips so she can fund private school for her brothers kids.

itssarcasmjoan · 09/01/2022 18:54

I would say another discussion is required.
He says he isn't happy that THEIR children are not keeping their standard of living because she is paying for her brother children.
I think he should pay for the schools and extras himself and down grade her payments.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 09/01/2022 18:55

She's using her kids money for someone else's kids. Take the parents out of it. It's the kids money, for their stuff. And their mum is giving it to someone else's. He needs legal advice. I'd be fuming.

cherish123 · 09/01/2022 18:55

She can't kick start her career 🙄
No - but she can get a job.

ReadySteadyTwins · 09/01/2022 18:56

@souperdouper

She worked in the performing arts. There's nothing for her after a 15 year break as a 40+ woman.

God you all sound like you treat this absolute piss taker as some hapless poor little princess.

She's got the measure of you lot, hasn't she.

She "can't work" because she used to be a performer and there's no real call for that once you're mid 40's? Boo fucking hoo. There are plenty of jobs for Lady Muck to "lower" herself too.

I used to dance. And I used to model. Pre children. I'm heading towards forty. And I won't be making any kind of money if I attempted to pick either up again at my age, so no I won't be in the "performing arts" again. Tell you what, I'll just walk round with my head up my arse, rinsing people, as I "can't" work any more.

Beggars belief.

Original poster

souperdouper · 09/01/2022 18:57

@cherish123

Why does she need spousal support? Why does she need £6k per month? He needs to provide minimal child support and buy the necessities himself for his ex.

Presumably she bought him out.

No. I'm beginning to think he's been a little bit foolish. He gave her the house. The investment money was in lieu of a claim on his pension. £6k was what they used to spend each month on household expenses.... and now I'm typing it I realise how absurd that sounds. There are cleaners. Gym classes. Personal trainers. Gardeners. Dog walkers. All of these are still being paid but at the expense of the Children's extra curricular activities.

OP posts:

LemonViolet · 09/01/2022 18:57

Seeing as it’s a voluntary arrangement , I’d say think about reducing how much he pays her and using that money for to pay directly for the riding and ski trips etc (what a lovely problem to have btw!!). After taking legal advice and making sure it’s still well above the legal minimum obv. She’s taking the piss really isn’t she, and needs to work.

Sowhatifiam · 09/01/2022 18:57

I would first be sure this was the truth. Because it might not be.

Truth as in: does he really pay as much as he says? Is he paying school fees in full? Is the situation with the nephew perhaps temporary? Has something happened in the nephew’s family that the ex is trying to help with?

Assuming he is telling the full truth, his option would be to pay whatever the CMS or a court would order him to pay (sounds like a candidate for global maintenance) and pay the extras himself. He shouldn’t have to pay for his nephews to attend private school and that is clearly a step too far.

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