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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cringe at use of "partner"?

168 replies

Baggingarea · 09/01/2022 14:48

Obviously not if you have kids or a house with someone.

But I always deep cringe when someone prematurely refers to their boyfriend as a "partner". It's normally young people trying to feel grown up I guess?

I am prepared to hear I'm being judgemental but I physically cringe - not much I can do about that!

Inspired by another thread!

OP posts:

BertramLacey · 09/01/2022 20:30

What do people use if they are in 40s/50s and have just started seeing someone? Partner to me sounds way too official.

I used to refer to my partner as the man I was seeing for the first six months or so. Once it became clear we were serious about each other we started to refer to each other as partners. For some people, especially on MN, we're not seen as serious enough to be partners because we don't live together. But we've been together for years and he is my partner in many senses.

I think boyfriend/ girlfriend is fine if you're in your teens/ 20s but sounds odd past that. Then again, I think people can refer to the person they're in a relationship with how they like. It's their business how they define it, not mine.

Bellex · 09/01/2022 20:49

It seems to me such a strange thing to be triggered by.

I think people should call their significant whatever they feel free to do so. Also don’t think people should put ages or time limits on when people can and can’t say it.

It’s 2022 time, marriage status, age, children or no children doesn’t quantify the seriousness of the relationship in comparisons to other.

thepeopleversuswork · 09/01/2022 21:05

@Bellex

It seems to me such a strange thing to be triggered by.

I think people should call their significant whatever they feel free to do so. Also don’t think people should put ages or time limits on when people can and can’t say it.

It’s 2022 time, marriage status, age, children or no children doesn’t quantify the seriousness of the relationship in comparisons to other.

Exactly... so weird to be so overinvested in how other people describe their relationships.

Goldenbear · 09/01/2022 21:11

Yes agree with above but I continued to call my DH my boyfriend when we were living together and I was pregnant with our first. We were in our mid to late 20s when I became pregnant and we'd only known each other for 2 years, we were committed and had bought our own place but it was still boyfriend until my 30s, probably changed to Partner when my eldest started school. Obviously, it then became husband.

scottishnames · 09/01/2022 21:26

Sarah Of course not - what a very, very strange extrapolation from my comment.

My comment had nothing whatsoever to do with monogamy. FWIW - though it's none of your business - I am married.

I actually don't think it's any one else's business, either, who does what with whom, and it's not really necessary to announce anything - - until the time that the people involved want to make some sort of public commitment. In which case partner is fine. Or fiance/ee if the couple plan to get married.

Witchcraftandhohohokum · 09/01/2022 21:28

I think if you're cringing at phrases other people use that don't affect you, you're way too judgemental

notacooldad · 09/01/2022 21:35

Hi, this is John, my er boyfriend, partner, man in my life, significant other?
Any suggestions?

Hi this is John.
Do you need to explain? I never used to I used to and still introduce DH as ; Hi, this is Simon. If I was feeling particularly chatty I would add 'he's with me'

SarahAndQuack · 09/01/2022 21:38

@scottishnames

Sarah Of course not - what a very, very strange extrapolation from my comment.

My comment had nothing whatsoever to do with monogamy. FWIW - though it's none of your business - I am married.

Well, then, perhaps don't call people's romantic/sexual partners 'friends', you muppet!

notacooldad · 09/01/2022 21:38

What do people use if they are in 40s/50s and have just started seeing someone?
Where I live they say ' This is Bob, he's my fella' I guess that isn't going to work for everyone though!

Linning · 09/01/2022 21:38

I like partner. As a gay woman I don’t always want to volunteer my sexuality to stranger, but also don’t necessarily want to hide a potential “partner.”

The word girlfriend/boyfriend feels very teenage-like to me.

Fiancé(e) makes me cringe (and I am French!) it’s like continuously wanting to announce you are on the way to getting married and I find that very odd to mention your partner as such in most context.

“other half” just feels a bit twee to me.

Partner to me is the most neutral one. But there really is no good way to describe grown adults in a relationship (and who don’t happen to be married) I feel. In French the term “companion” is the equivalent of partner but very gendered so “my female companion” or “my male companion.”

I wish there was more gender neutral versions of the concept. As it’s just odd if you think about it, having to specify if you are dating a woman or a man and can’t just say “the person I am dating” without it seeming very odd and suspiciously mysterious in a casual conversation.

Luna2021 · 10/01/2022 09:42

I don't really understand why you care so much about how others refer to their partner. If you don't like the term don't use it?

I use it because I'm in a serious, long term relationship and personally thought "boyfriend" didn't really represent our relationship. We don't want to marry.

lovescaca · 10/01/2022 09:45

Iv been with my partner for 16yrs not married 🤷🏼‍♀️. Wouldn't call him my boyfriend and he's not my husband sooo?

Original poster

Baggingarea · 10/01/2022 10:30

@Luna2021 but I've said I'm not referring to long term relationships. It's when people do it prematurely.

OP posts:

DropYourSword · 10/01/2022 10:32

I use husband or partner quite interchangeably. Our marriage is a partnership. He is my partner. I think it’s perfectly fine to say that.
I can’t say I would think anyone saying partner would be “trying to look” grown up!

Luna2021 · 10/01/2022 10:43

[quote Baggingarea]@Luna2021 but I've said I'm not referring to long term relationships. It's when people do it prematurely.[/quote]
But who decides when it's acceptable to start using the term "partner"?

My questions remains, why do you even care? Every couple is different and should decide themselves how they refer to their relationship.

scottishnames · 10/01/2022 17:37

sarah
Abuse is no argument. Rather the opposite. I am not a muppet (whatever that means).

The only adult, respectful, dignified thing to do is to agree to disagree. But are you offering that?I've not seen it so far ...

TimBoothseyes · 10/01/2022 17:51

I have always called my (now official), partner that. I had known him for 30 years before we started dating so he was more than a "friend" at that point. I was mid 30's then and under no circumstances was I going to call him my "boyfriend" as that is just ridiculous when he was neither a "boy" or "friend". The only term we both felt comfortable with was and is "partner". For us it defines equality in a relationship. What we choose to call each other and when is, was and forever more, will be no-ones business but our own. You don't like it OP, then that's your problem not ours.

rainbowmash · 10/01/2022 18:18

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

I know a pompous 17 year old, who lives at home with her parents, and refers to her boyfriend, who lives at home with his parents, as her partner. She's being very unreasonable.

I came here to defend the use of "partner" in all cases, but this made me cringe. It's exactly the kind of shit I would have pulled at 17 if I'd thought of it.

That said I refuse to say "boyfriend" at 32.

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