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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cringe at use of "partner"?

168 replies

Baggingarea · 09/01/2022 14:48

Obviously not if you have kids or a house with someone.

But I always deep cringe when someone prematurely refers to their boyfriend as a "partner". It's normally young people trying to feel grown up I guess?

I am prepared to hear I'm being judgemental but I physically cringe - not much I can do about that!

Inspired by another thread!

OP posts:
Original poster
Baggingarea · 09/01/2022 17:31

What do people use if they are in 40s/50s and have just started seeing someone? Partner to me sounds way too official.

Can you not just say 'person I am dating'.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 09/01/2022 17:31

@Baggingarea

I feel like a lot of people might have missed the point (or just like being victims). As PP has said I mean when people are together a matter of weeks.

I take the word partner very seriously - it's akin to husband or wife in my books. I don't think it's something people should be flippant about. Obviously if you are civil partners or together for 22 years this is included in deserving the term partner. However someone who refers to dp and they've been dating all of a month is rely weird no?

Yeah but again, a) who gets to police this? and b) why does it matter, really? If someone of 18 wants to call a boyfriend of four months a "partner" is it really any skin off your nose? Not really...

I imagine you're thinking of that thread earlier when the girl was left taking her bf's daughter to nursery and the child's mother was (justifiably) pissed. That was shocking, but the "partner" part of it is a bit of a red herring here. And yet it is astonishing how many people get riled up and home in on this word as if it was the most significant part of the post.

I think a lot of this is just married competitive smug, tbh. "Look at me, I'm married" etc.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/01/2022 17:32

I know what you mean, but for those of us in our 40s (or older people) "boyfriend" is problematic.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 09/01/2022 17:32

YANBU, it irritates me. I don’t mean when it’s a genuine partner e.g living together, been together years etc but when you read a thread and the people have been seeing each other for a few months or even less in some cases and have zero ties.

WonderfulYou · 09/01/2022 17:33

YABU

Boyfriend and girlfriend sounds like teenagers.
Partners are for people who are older but not married.

At 31 I would definitely say partner over boyfriend.

I do think it’s odd you’re so triggered by it tbh.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/01/2022 17:33

And how is "person I am dating" better?!

Clunky.

Original poster
Baggingarea · 09/01/2022 17:35

I'm not trying to police it I'm just saying it makes me cringe which is an involuntary response. I felt the same when I was single! Yeh I am referring to that. I found a big part of that post was trying to give an impression that a relationship is more serious than it was. Cringe.

OP posts:
speakout · 09/01/2022 17:35

Not something I can get myself worked up over tbh.
Doesn't impact me at all how other people choose to describe their relationships.

Original poster
Baggingarea · 09/01/2022 17:37

@WonderfulYou

YABU

Boyfriend and girlfriend sounds like teenagers.
Partners are for people who are older but not married.

At 31 I would definitely say partner over boyfriend.

I do think it’s odd you’re so triggered by it tbh.

If you were dating for 8 weeks you'd say partner?
OP posts:
Original poster
Baggingarea · 09/01/2022 17:37

I am triggered by ppl not rtft!

OP posts:
puffyisgood · 09/01/2022 17:41

I quite like it. middle aged boyfriends/girlfriends are shameful imo.

TheAverageForumUser · 09/01/2022 17:43

@Simonjt

Some people don’t have the luxury of being able to use the words boyfriend/girlfriend and being treated fairly at work etc, some people can’t remain safe if they use those words rather than partner.
Is that seriously happening in 2022? People are being attacked in the workplace for their sexuality? If so, that’s very disturbing.
speakout · 09/01/2022 17:44

Still don't get why it bothers you.

If someone wants to consensually refer to their significant other as pet giraffe/extra terrestrial communications manager/danish pastry consultant then why would that impact my life?

Original poster
Baggingarea · 09/01/2022 17:44

@TheAverageForumUser I agree that is terrible!

OP posts:
TheAverageForumUser · 09/01/2022 17:46

We are now married but we were 38 and 45 and both divorced when we met. Never referred to each other as partners. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. Then fiancé and fiancée. It suited us. Partner certainly didn’t suit us.

WonderfulYou · 09/01/2022 17:46

If you were dating for 8 weeks you'd say partner?

We’re either dating or together.

At 8 weeks I’ll probably be still dating so only my closest friends would know about them and I’d say the guy I’m seeing but then use their actual name from then on.
Anyone would else would think I’m single.

Once it becomes a relationship it would be my partner because I’d feel odd saying boyfriend.

Purpleseaside · 09/01/2022 17:47

My fiance keeps calling me his partner and it gets on my nerves! Shock He is counting down the days until he can say wife instead..Three months to go!

My friend who was 21 used to call her boyfriend her 'other half' and that made me cringe Blush. .they didn't live together and were young in their ways.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2022 17:48

@Abcdefu

I think partner is fine,why shoupd someone have to define their relationships to a atranger (partner covers it all?) It is often used by people in same sex relationships too
In rl maybe, but I na thread about someone you've dated a few weeks, when you're happy to clarify everyone's sex, it's a bit 🙄
Dguu6u · 09/01/2022 17:52

@Baggingarea

I'm not trying to police it I'm just saying it makes me cringe which is an involuntary response. I felt the same when I was single! Yeh I am referring to that. I found a big part of that post was trying to give an impression that a relationship is more serious than it was. Cringe.
Get over yourself. Who are you to judge other people’s relationships. They want to call themselves partners after being together a week, it doesn’t really have anything to do with you. Involuntary response! I guess so is bigotry.
thepeopleversuswork · 09/01/2022 17:56

@Baggingarea

I'm not trying to police it I'm just saying it makes me cringe which is an involuntary response. I felt the same when I was single! Yeh I am referring to that. I found a big part of that post was trying to give an impression that a relationship is more serious than it was. Cringe.
Yes that was awful... but the "partner" element wasn't the point really...

The point was this naïve young woman was being roped into childcare by some feckless bloke she was shagging. The child's dad was clearly a piece of work and the woman was probably misled in thinking she was in a committed relationship.

That was a fairly egregious example of this but routinely you'll get threads where someone is talking about an issue in a committed relationship of 5+ years standing and someone pitches in to say "you don't live together, he can't be your partner". As if this is the most relevant or important point of the thread.

The fetishization of living together is quite bizarre and I think is basically a moral hangover from the days when people thought you had to be married to have sex. It just seems a really misplaced thing to focus on.

Original poster
Baggingarea · 09/01/2022 17:59

Yes I do think it's sad the prominence given to living together / getting married. Have seen lots of people miss out on their youth because they are desperate to settle down and now regret it.

OP posts:
Rno3gfr · 09/01/2022 18:00

I use the term partner instead of boyfriend because I’m a younger mother and I got sick of people asking me, “is your boyfriend the dad?”. Yes. Thanks.

WonderfulYou · 09/01/2022 18:03

In rl maybe, but I na thread about someone you've dated a few weeks, when you're happy to clarify everyone's sex, it's a bit

I think on a thread it’s even more acceptable.

You can’t use DH as you’re not married and if you use BF it sounds like you’re quite young and the replies may be biased.

It covers everyone regardless of sex or engaged or already married.

The alternative is to type their name or say ‘person I’m dating’ which on an Internet forum is ridiculous.

Bluesarestillblue · 09/01/2022 18:06

We never got to the partner stage. DH was my boyfriend until we got married. In fact, it took me a while to use “husband”. But we were young when we married (24 and 25)

SarahAndQuack · 09/01/2022 18:11

@llamakoala

“Obviously not if you have kids or a house with someone.”

Sadly, some of us are in long-term relationships and not yet in that position.

I’ve been with my DP for 7.5 years - we’re early and late thirties respectively and we’ve not been in a financial position to move in together, get married and start a family yet. I don’t want to have to call him my boyfriend as it feels so juvenile.

Understand if a couple have been together less than a year that it’s a bit premature to be calling each-other ‘partner’. But if you’re planning a future together and there is an understanding of commitment, why is living together and kids the only measure by which you can be justified in calling each-other ‘partner’? Unfortunately the cost of living and even renting a place is so high and not everyone is fortunate enough to earn a good enough wage to cover this.

And what about mature adults who have divorced and prefer to live apart together, like a PP has said?

YY.

I find it a bit disconcerting that so many people don't seem to get that this thread might feel really horrible for someone who has fertility problems, or who's struggling financially? If you use children/house as indices of the stability of a relationship, you're basically saying people like that aren't serious adults, and that's horrible.