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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cringe at use of "partner"?

168 replies

Baggingarea · 09/01/2022 14:48

Obviously not if you have kids or a house with someone.

But I always deep cringe when someone prematurely refers to their boyfriend as a "partner". It's normally young people trying to feel grown up I guess?

I am prepared to hear I'm being judgemental but I physically cringe - not much I can do about that!

Inspired by another thread!

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 09/01/2022 16:00

I think partner is good as it’s so neutral. It would imply a serious relationship to me but not necessarily living together

Emmelina · 09/01/2022 16:00

I see it quite often on here. My partner - when they’ve been together a couple of months/ been on a date. Mum’s “new” partner - nope, if they’re new, see above!

Killthewinewitchnow · 09/01/2022 16:01

I hate fiancé, sounds so poncey. So I called DH partner when we were engaged.

BungleandGeorge · 09/01/2022 16:03

@thewhatsit

I get what you’re saying. To me, partner implies a high level of commitment. I’m always a bit Hmm on threads where people talk about their DP and then it turns out that they mean someone they’ve been with for a few weeks or months and barely know. I felt like when Dh and I started using the word “partner” to refer to each other it really meant something quite serious about our relationship.
I also find it odd when people say wife/ husband and it turns out they’re not married. I presume it’s because they want to convey ‘serious relationship’. It’s very confusing though as marriage is a legal contract and not self defined!
SpilltheTea · 09/01/2022 16:03

Partner means the same thing, so why are people acting like there's a criteria? It's just another term for someone you're in a relationship with. I cringe at 'boyfriend' and I hate saying it, but I don't really know why.

TrishM80 · 09/01/2022 16:03

Depends on the age. I cringe when I hear people in their 50s and 60s refer to their boyfriend or girlfriend.

gsaoej · 09/01/2022 16:03

There prob needs to be another word. Boyfriend/girlfriend sounds a bit teenage/young person to me.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 09/01/2022 16:08

Bring back 'gentleman caller' Grin

sunshinesupermum · 09/01/2022 16:09

I have been with my DP for 14 years. We are unmarried but long past the age of calling ourselves girlfriend and boyfriend. Quite happy with term 'partner' but what do you suggest as an alternative OP?

Onelifeonly · 09/01/2022 16:09

I think partner has become so common, you'd have to say 'business partner' if that's who you were referring to. I used to hate it but I inadvertently referred to my husband of many years as my partner recently. I kind of liked it as ' husband' sounds so conventional and boring. And I don't really like being called a wife - just the word sounds kind of possessive to me.

I don't actually mind boyfriend / girlfriend for older people as the words have a meaning separate from referring to boys and girls and anyway my friends and I still talk about having a 'girls night'.

My 21 yo has what she calls a boyfriend. I would think it odd if she described him as a partner I suppose. They've been together quite a while but less than a year.

An older colleague of mine irritatingly called his partner his 'missus'. They weren't actually married. (He was prone to using inappropriate stereotypical language though I assume he meant it ironically, as he was ever so 'cool' in other ways.)

SummaLuvin · 09/01/2022 16:12

@sunshinesupermum maybe OP would prefer that you say you are 'courting'

Babyvenusplant · 09/01/2022 16:13

Me and dp are in our 30s and I'd find it really weird to call him my 'boyfriend', partner is so much more appropriate imo

TheOriginalEmu · 09/01/2022 16:13

Language changes. With the increase in people who identify as something other than male or female a lot of young people I know use partner where I would have said boyfriend as a young person. It’s an evolution of the word to go along with changing social norms.
It’s not young peoples fault that their definition of a word is different to yours, so YABU.

sammylady37 · 09/01/2022 16:15

@LadyMonicaBaddingham

Bring back 'gentleman caller' Grin
I use this term all the time!

My gran used to refer to my uncle’s partner as his ‘lady friend’

penguinwithasuitcase · 09/01/2022 16:19

This naming-of-partners has been a weird minefield for so long now, I think it's really remarkable we haven't collectively come up with an alternative!

If you could pick a word to use for a long-term human-you-share-your-life-with that wasn't boyfriend / girlfriend or partner, what would you pick?

I'm tempted by 'Nusband' –as in, Not-Husband / Nearly-Husband... except the reverse would be Nife, which sounds a bit aggressive!

toastofthetown · 09/01/2022 16:21

Can you provide a list of criteria to allow the use of the word partner as opposed to boy/girlfriend?

MmeD · 09/01/2022 16:21

The Polish lady at my local coffee shop used to refer to her boyfriend as “My One” when we were passing the time of day. As in rolling her eyes and saying: “My One is not at work today, he says he has a cold”.

And there’s that meme about Scandinavian languages: the Norwegians say kjaereste which is gender neutral and means “the dearest” the Swedish say alskling, which means “ my beloved one” and the Finnish say mulkvisti, which means, apparently, “the one I don’t hate as much as I hate everyone else”.

I think all of these are much nicer than “ partner”, except “beloved one”, which would get shortened to BO on Mumsnet.

FilthyforFirth · 09/01/2022 16:23

I hate them all to be fair! I very quickly tell people his name so I dont need to say husband. I hated fiance and never used it. I didnt mind boyfriend but we were only together 3 years before marriage at 31 so was happy to never use partner!

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 09/01/2022 16:23

DP and just have been together 14 years, live together, but not married - I would feel ridiculous saying “boyfriend” when we are in our 40s.

On the other side, my hairdresser told me he had had a mortifying exchange with a semi-regular client just before my last cut. She had often referred to “her partner (female name)” so he had assumed she was gay. That day she dropped into conversation about going away with her husband for Christmas. It turned out she really did mean business partner.

x2boys · 09/01/2022 16:27

I married my DH six months after meeting him @IamtheDevilsAvocado ,but by your terms he would still have been a boyfriend 🤣
Who defines what a partner is anyway ,my sister is 50 next month she got divorced a few years ago and has been seeing her current partner for a couple of years ,he's 56,They don't live together,but I think they are both a bit old to refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Original poster
Baggingarea · 09/01/2022 16:27

@Franklyfrost

So what do you call the person you’re settled with long term but have no intention of marrying? Especially once you’ve got kids and house and all that. Living in sin? Grin
Literally the first line of my post addresses that lol
OP posts:
Original poster
Baggingarea · 09/01/2022 16:28

@MmeD I love that idea (not BO tho Grin)

OP posts:
notacooldad · 09/01/2022 16:29

The main time I cringe about the word 'partner' is when social workers have put family information into the system for agencies to use and see and 13 and oy14 year olds who have a boyfriend or girlfriend and they use the word partner.
I by the time I get to work these young people they have split up from their 'partner' and had a couple of other relationships since!
Partner my arse!

Original poster
Baggingarea · 09/01/2022 16:30

@sunshinesupermum

I have been with my DP for 14 years. We are unmarried but long past the age of calling ourselves girlfriend and boyfriend. Quite happy with term 'partner' but what do you suggest as an alternative OP?
I did say in my OP that obviously partner is more than ok for people who are settled. It's when people have been dating for weeks and start saying partner it induces a cringe.
OP posts:
TeenyQueen · 09/01/2022 16:30

I definitely cringe about using the term partner when the couple barely know each other and have only been dating for a couple of weeks/months. To be 'partner' implies shared household, some shared finances etc. It does slightly depend on age though, it seems funny to call someone in their 40s or 50s a boyfriend/girlfriend. I do know many couples where a single mum has moved her new boyfriend into her family home very soon after meeting him and calls him her partner.