To cringe at use of "partner"?

[Baggingarea]

Obviously not if you have kids or a house with someone.

But I always deep cringe when someone prematurely refers to their boyfriend as a "partner". It's normally young people trying to feel grown up I guess?

I am prepared to hear I'm being judgemental but I physically cringe - not much I can do about that!

Inspired by another thread!

@Killthewinewitchnow

I hate fiancé, sounds so poncey. So I called DH partner when we were engaged.

I did this too (for all those who haven't rtft and think I hate the word 'partner')

I tend to agree to a point but i don't really mind it just alerts a level of insecurity in the person when they use it after being together for 2 months. I do call DP partner because we share a house, children (although he is not their biological father we operate as a family unit....school runs etc ) and are legally entangled. We've been together 6 years and I'm in my forties. We are engaged but I find fiancee a bit twee when it comes out my mouth, fine when other people say it, it just sounds odd when I say it.

I do also think as I have been married before fiancee seems strange, a bit nothing.

It confused the hell out of one of DP employer who only heard me referred to as partner and was thoroughly confused when I rocked up as a woman. He had assumed DP was gay for 6 months. Couldn't actually decide if that meant he was incredibly inclusive or a bit homophobic, he was nice so we assumed the first.

What about the increasing number of us in our 40s /50s, divorced with kids perhaps in serious relationships but have no intention of living together or merging finances? The 'living alone together' thing. It has a great deal to recommend it. What should I call my 'person' in this instance? We've been together 5 years.

YABU for gatekeeping the use of the word ‘partner’. Let people use what they want, what’s the harm?

Either 'guy I'm seeing' or partner works for me (ha when i actually have one!). Boyfriend feels a bit teenage.

My partner is 53, so calling him a 'boyfriend' isn't appropriate. He's not my husband either.

What else am I supposed to call him?

@HugeAckmansWife

What about the increasing number of us in our 40s /50s, divorced with kids perhaps in serious relationships but have no intention of living together or merging finances? The 'living alone together' thing. It has a great deal to recommend it. What should I call my 'person' in this instance? We've been together 5 years.

Partner.

If you are long term together and committed, partner.

I think the Op’s objections are to the threads where it only emerges after about 5 pages that the “DP” on question is a boyfriend of about 5 weeks.

I quite like the idea of having a gentleman friend rather than a boyfriend (for the pre-partner stage)

“Obviously not if you have kids or a house with someone.”

Sadly, some of us are in long-term relationships and not yet in that position.

I’ve been with my DP for 7.5 years - we’re early and late thirties respectively and we’ve not been in a financial position to move in together, get married and start a family yet. I don’t want to have to call him my boyfriend as it feels so juvenile.

Understand if a couple have been together less than a year that it’s a bit premature to be calling each-other ‘partner’. But if you’re planning a future together and there is an understanding of commitment, why is living together and kids the only measure by which you can be justified in calling each-other ‘partner’? Unfortunately the cost of living and even renting a place is so high and not everyone is fortunate enough to earn a good enough wage to cover this.

And what about mature adults who have divorced and prefer to live apart together, like a PP has said?

Yanbu. Ever since a friend called the man she'd known for 4 days her boyfriend and partner in the same sentence, it grosses me out.

But there are those who say that as we are not 'life partners' in terms of finances, property etc we are not properly committed. There have been threads on this. It's like unless you are prepared to take a risk with what can be very hard won independence, you're obviously not serious... It was v clear during lockdown when my partner and I couldn't see each other indoors for months. I was 'bubbled' with my parents for childcare reasons. Lots of dismissive 'you're killing people for a shag' comments, with no attempt to appreciate that relationship could be v serious but practically speaking, separate.

I think using the word partner is absolutely fine . What I do think is ridiculous is people using the term boyfriend and girlfriend way beyond the teenage years.

YABU and I wish people would bore off about this. Almost every thread when someone uses the phrase partner someone will tip up to say "he's not your partner, he's your boyfriend". I find it childish and small-minded tbh.

For one thing, who gets to decide whether someone is a "boyfriend" or a "partner"? What's the cut-off? is it a year, or five years? Who are the partner police? What gives you the right to opine on the validity of someone else's relationship?

People often argue that you have to cohabit to have the right to call someone a partner, which I also think is really dimwitted. For one thing there are plenty of scenarios where a couple choose not to live together because there are children involved. It would be insane to rush into living together unless the children are totally on board. I've been with my "boyfriend" or "partner" for 3.5 years and he's absolutely a partner to me in every way but we have chosen not to live together because I have a child and I don't want to inflict cohabitation on her. It's not for some random to decide we're not a partnership just because I don't wash his socks.

Finally you do realise don't you that "partner" is not something defined? It's a relatively new term which people have only really used in the past 30 or so years and its pretty meaningless.

I never know what to call the man in my life. We are in our 60s, have no intention of marrying or living together, both have grown up families.
We are mutually exclusive and committed but whenever we meet somebody who has never met him I really struggle to introduce him.
Hi, this is John, my er boyfriend, partner, man in my life, significant other?
Any suggestions?

I always think the same. When my husband and I were dating I avoided all tags because in my thirties ‘boyfriend’ felt ridiculous and I don’t like ‘partner’ sounds like you’re trying to make out the relationship is more serious than it is. This is harsh but there’s truth in it

@Grandadwasthatyou

I never know what to call the man in my life. We are in our 60s, have no intention of marrying or living together, both have grown up families. We are mutually exclusive and committed but whenever we meet somebody who has never met him I really struggle to introduce him. Hi, this is John, my er boyfriend, partner, man in my life, significant other? Any suggestions?

‘This is me fella… ‘ 😂😂 better with a scouse accent though

When did I become allowed to call him my partner? I assume I’m allowed now having been together 22 years.

Was it after our first shag? Six weeks in? When we moved in together 11 months in? When I refused his repeated proposals? When we bought a house? When we had a child? When we lived apart and had a child and a LDR for work? When we had further children? When he wiped my arse for weeks when I had an accident and couldn’t move? When did it happen? Did I wake up one day and suddenly have a partner?

Finnish say mulkvisti, which means, apparently, “the one I don’t hate as much as I hate everyone else”.

In case someone is wondering. This is a joke and it does not actually mean that.

I feel like a lot of people might have missed the point (or just like being victims). As PP has said I mean when people are together a matter of weeks.

I take the word partner very seriously - it's akin to husband or wife in my books. I don't think it's something people should be flippant about. Obviously if you are civil partners or together for 22 years this is included in deserving the term partner. However someone who refers to dp and they've been dating all of a month is rely weird no?

I think the problem is that boyfriend and girlfriend as terms can come across a bit juvenile when you are in your 40's. There needs to be a term between boyfriend and partner...preferably gender neutral

@Notwithittoday

I always think the same. When my husband and I were dating I avoided all tags because in my thirties ‘boyfriend’ felt ridiculous and I don’t like ‘partner’ sounds like you’re trying to make out the relationship is more serious than it is. This is harsh but there’s truth in it

But the problem with this is that it assumes that everyone has marriage as the pinnacle of their achievements for their relationships. Many of us don't, and many of us have serious obstacles to marriage (children from previous partners, inheritance issues) but this doesn't necessarily make our relationships any less valid. This comment doesn't even begin to cover the range of relationships out there in the real world.

This is a really blunt instrument.

anything is an improvement on the "hubby" that get used from time to time.
as others have said, useful because it's gender neutral - boyfriend/girlfriend sounds bizarre for anyone over 18.

"My partner and also my lover"

Yanbu.

I’m not a massive fan of the term in general but it makes sense in a committed relationship. When you’ve just started dating though and there are no ties or commitments it just sounds OTT.

I referred to my DH as my boyfriend until we were married.

@HugeAckmansWife

But there are those who say that as we are not 'life partners' in terms of finances, property etc we are not properly committed. There have been threads on this. It's like unless you are prepared to take a risk with what can be very hard won independence, you're obviously not serious... It was v clear during lockdown when my partner and I couldn't see each other indoors for months. I was 'bubbled' with my parents for childcare reasons. Lots of dismissive 'you're killing people for a shag' comments, with no attempt to appreciate that relationship could be v serious but practically speaking, separate.

Agreed! Myself and DP didn’t see each-other indoors for at least several months (and I think for some of the lock-down not at all). In the end we just had to see each-other as it was causing so much stress and strain on our relationship. We couldn’t even hug and we’d been together over five years when lockdown started. Just weren’t in a position to move in. I didn’t want to move in with him and his parents as I value my independence too - not much room either, and I think it would have been death to the relationship.

Have also had comments from family that we’re not proper adults because we don’t have a house together when their kids who are younger than us were able to live in their parents’ home rent-free with their partners and save for their mortgages. Very lucky and fortunate for them, but doesn’t make us any less serious or committed. And like you’ve said, maybe you aren’t ready to/don’t want to risk your hard-won independence.