To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

[quote Loobyloula]@pinkiedash... Hmmm, I did?

Lots of people said they didn't want to adopt because they wouldn't want an older child (that's not true that there are only older children available for adoption).

Lots of people said the process is too hard/intrusive... It really isn't has hard as some perceive it to be

Lots of people said false facts about what happens in the adoption process.

Just stating facts for anyone reading who may be considering adoption 🤷[/quote]
The OP was advised to post on the adoption board and said she wanted to hear from non adopters.

We are not academic researchers obviously. But the experience of friends and family is totally valid in forming views and opinions.

@Etihad your daughter sounds lovely. I bet she thinks the same about you. You sound like a fantastic mum x

Well, I had two dc biologically but my impression of adoption is that it's not easy. I'm sure a lot of people who might think of it (whether they can conceive or not) might be put off thinking that they'd be rejected due to being too old or not perfect enough in some way.

I read a book recently called Love Child by Sue Elliot. It's a memoir of her life as someone who was adopted in the 1950s. She's also gone into quite a lot of detail after much research on the reasons for adoptions in that time.
Bluntly, it became an industry, and traumatic all round. Women are more supported in their pregnancy choices now, so young babies are rarely put up for adoption.
I'd highly recommend reading this book for a better insight into adoption.

Because I want my own babies.. that connection, to see bits of me and my parents etc in them, that overwhelming love. I might feel differently if I couldn't have had my own children.
But I'm so glad people do adopt and get to be parents, and give those children a good life. I know some people who did it and it took years, a lot of hoops and intrusion and they were a bog standard couple with no issues and good jobs etc.

We adopted two children 7 years ago. The process to be approved was long but not too difficult. We were lucky that we already had space and money, family support, and I have a job that allowed me a year off for adoption leave, although in the end I took 7 months. SWs bend over backwards to recruit suitable adopters but our children have a lot of problems and there is so little support. It's almost impossible to access therapy or any other kind of support whatever you do.

I'd still recommend adoption and I'd do it all again, but it's very hard and the support they promise will be available isn't.

@Thunderbolted

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

Also, I work with mental health services and know first hand how important the very early years are to good mental health. We're not in the 1950s where unmarried mothers were forced to give up babies because of the stigma. Most children up for adoption are not babies and have serious attachment issues and worse which makes parenting much much harder.

Yeah if you think like this, you should probably stay away from most people let alone vulnerable kids.

I have three friends who have adopted children from when they were toddlers or babies.

Their children are young adults now.

In both families, the adopted children (from UK) have very deep emotional and mental health problems which have caused great trauma for all the family.

That is just my limited experience, no doubt others have more positive ones.

1. It's very very very difficult to meet the adoption criteria. I had a colleague who wanted to adopt. She was a partner in a City law firm on a huge salary, stable loving husband who was also a high-earner, massive house, etc etc. They already had one biological child and wanted to adopt a second. They could have given a kid an amazing life, but they were refused because they were both in full-time employment.

We talked about it when we were having fertility issues but ultimately came down as a no because:

• we were older and would not be able to adopt a baby/toddler
• I know a number of people who have adopted and all have had significant emotional and behavioural issues to deal with, often many years after the actual adoption. This has taken its toll on the parents relationship and in some cases has led to divorce.
• the lack of support for the parents experiencing difficulties has been a real eye opener, and social workers and other professionals did not have the time or energy to support. Huge waiting lists for child mental health services etc. Became a full time job simply trying to get help for adopted children, had a huge toll on my friends health and wellbeing
• IMO social work does everything it can to keep children with birth parents to the detriment of the child. Children are generally not put up for adoption unless there has been significant trauma

Bad news is lots of people want a cute little baby . Reality is the children are often older, come with older siblings and / or have additional needs

We have fertility issues. People love to say “why don’t you adopt”. I literally can’t think of anything worse, we have been through a lot already. I can’t face jumping through yet more hoops. I could probably convince social workers but l can’t be bothered to be perfectly honest and shouldn’t lie about something like that. That’s before we even get to the part where we want our biological child. Rather than some randomers child, who can’t be bothered caring for their own child

I think there's a number of reasons:

• Some people just do not want a child that isn't their blood and that is their call. A friend who couldn't conceive and desperately wanted kids just did not want to go the adoption route, she really couldn't have a child not her biologically and I think people have to respect that and never ask people with difficulty TTC 'Why don't you adopt?' because it's a deeply person thing.
• It's very rare to be handed over a baby in this country. You're likely looking at an older child that has experienced trauma and neglect, the effects of which sometimes aren't apparent until later. I've known people with lovely adoptive kids, but also people whose lives are being utterly torn apart by a child who sadly has profound behavioural difficulties that make every day a total nightmare, despite parents' best efforts. I don't think I could take that chance, but there are some amazing people out there who do.

1. Most kids that come up for adoption at a very young age have severe disabilities. Not everyone could cope with this.

1. Older children have been messed up by a very traumatic start to life

@Thunderbolted

Worrying that you work in mental health services with that attitude

Also, I hate to break it to you, but how good looking you both are, is completely subjective.
You may think you're gorgeous, as could several others, but you won't be everyone's type. Same for your DH.
What you deem ugly, will have someone think they're the most beautiful person on earth, even more beautiful than you - as difficult a concept it may be for you to grasp.

Myself and my DH are average, he is much better looking than me! Our children are gorgeous. Of course I'm biased, but several people have commented on how lovely they are, so I guess we were very lucky they didn't inherit any of our/my ugliness

Op - tiny babies removed at birth are not generally voluntarily (using that loosely given past societal expectations) given up by the birth mothers. Not always but mostly, they are the babies of addicts. If you think adopting a child born addicted to heroin is easy then you are deluded. Even the youngest toddlers can be deeply emotionally damaged by their traumatic starts and it will impact them massively, even if ultimately they cannot remember it. Older children it will even more obvious, their exposure to neglect and inappropriate adult behaviours longer, even more damaging. It absolutely has to be the right people who are selected to parent these children, they have been through too much already. They are not the consolation prize for infertile adults.

@Thunderbolted yes but if you adopted, the child wouldn’t run the risk of inheriting your stunning lack of emotional intelligence so that could be a plus?

@XelaM

1. It's very very very difficult to meet the adoption criteria. I had a colleague who wanted to adopt. She was a partner in a City law firm on a huge salary, stable loving husband who was also a high-earner, massive house, etc etc. They already had one biological child and wanted to adopt a second. They could have given a kid an amazing life, but they were refused because they were both in full-time employment.

DH and I were in full time employment when we were approved, they just want to know how you will support the kids and whether you’ve considered it realistically. That you aren’t going to adopt and then go straight back into full time work with a child who already has a number of disrupted attachments in the care of someone else full time. They don’t just turn people down for no reason.

Hi. We have been through the process twice. Both of our children were removed from their birth parents at birth. AD was 14 months and has FASD. Her BM drank throughout and could hardly look after herself. We met her once and she was really nice and we hope she gets the help she needs.

Our AS was only 7 months but there are huge mental health issues in his background so we had to be prepared to deal with whatever comes up. They both have a lot of life long issues and we are doing our best to meet their needs.

Both are on the SEN registers and one has an EHCP.

For our children to have been so young, there were known issues in their background and that their BPs being unable to cope.

We actually enjoyed the process and it was very introspective. Yes it was tough and some of it seemed bonkers at the time but we "played the game" and did what was asked of us.

Panel to be approved is difficult and very emotional. Panel for a match is even harder as by then you know about the specific child that is hopefully going to be yours.

Is it hard? Yes
Exhausting? Yes
Worth it? Yes definitely

Worst thing is watching/listening to your new arrival grieving for their foster carers and not understanding what's going on. In a strange house with people you've only known for a week. My husband sat on the top stair crying his eyes out and I couldn't bear to listen to the baby monitor.

They may never be fully independent because of their needs but we make it through somehow.

Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood?

your naivety is dazzling.

Three of our grandchildren are not biologically related to us or our child (not step-children/blended family, not adopted, with us from birth and popped out of the vagina of our child's long-term much loved partner) and I know we couldn't love them any more. We have a very close and loving relationship with them all.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby

Trauma? Concerning? that trauma may play out in later life? but I'd likely want a very small baby

problem solved then.

Set a reminder on you calendar/watch/phone for 5 years and come back and read this - but be ready for the internal embarrassment and cringe fest!

@Thunderbolted

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

Also, I work with mental health services and know first hand how important the very early years are to good mental health. We're not in the 1950s where unmarried mothers were forced to give up babies because of the stigma. Most children up for adoption are not babies and have serious attachment issues and worse which makes parenting much much harder.

I think this is just honest. I'm only a bit better looking than ''average'' but shorter than average. I'm possibly only of very average intelligence but my 'intelligences' lean towards social, emotional and linguistic. I'd rather have my own children.

My cousin adopted two children. The natural mother of one of them was only 14. She has been lucky (in my opinion) that the children are kind of like her in terms of colouring. So she doesn't have to answer questions.

I can see why people would like to adopt baby girls from china because they're very young and they aren't going to remember anything sad or awful, but if you're not of that race then it's immediately obvious that your children are adopted. I don't know why but that wouldn't be my preference.

My children look like me and I kind of like that.

There was a podcast on radio 4 the other day about the scandal of unmarried women and girks being forced into handing their baby over for adoption right up till the seventies and 80s.
My exhusband and his sister were both adopted as babies in the 70s. My ex traced his bio mother who had never wanted to give him up.

We have better knowledge and access to birth control and family planning now, and if a woman or girl wants to keep her baby and is capable with support we have a society that allows them to do so. This hasnt always been the way.
I think for a lot of people they have a fantasy of rescuing poor unwanted babies who just need a bit of extra time or understanding.
Its a noble aspiration, but i think most people dont have the resources. It IS a fantasy. The white knight.
Plus many people would rather foster long term if they really want to help as at least that way they receive SS involvement and support and an income

DM was adopted as a newborn. Boy is she fucked up. Having grown up with her attachment/control issues - which are very, very common in adoptees - I simple could stand the thought of going through it again.

@KoreyBay18

Also to *@Thunderbolted* - I'm attractive and highly intelligent. Have done modelling in the past and have a high IQ. My 5yo has SEN but is testing at age 8 or 9+ in every single area he is tested in, and is also incredibly more beautiful than any child I could have made myself.

But obviously only ugly thicko's have their children removed and placed for adoption

You are "highly intelligent"? Not really: "Thicko's"- a plural does not need an apostrophe.

You're incredibly naive!

In the uk it's incredibly rare for young babies to be available for adoption now. Even the babies that are available often have medical issues that can be incredibly stressful to manage.

Most of the children available for adoption are older children, coming from a background of varying degrees of types and severity of trauma and that requires that adoptive parents be very well suited and willing to help them with that.

It's a very rigorous process in the uk (as it should be!) so for starters you need an incredibly strong and resilient relationship. Every skeleton gets dug out of the cupboard!

Which I'm afraid to say I think is rarely the case. Separation/divorce rates for parents who adopt is I believe higher than for those with biological children. A number of couples even just the pressures of the assessment process splits them up.

I should also point out I would likely be considering overseas adoption - for a variety of reasons.

I feel like

1 this is you backtracking a bit! Maybe thinking this is "easier"?

2 overseas adoptions have other issues. Depending where you adopt from you could be blindsided by a lack of medical/background info, there are cultural implications for the child, you could get scammed...

It's a huge financial undertaking too as many adopted children won't cope with standard childcare options either so it's a case of specialised childcare and/or one or both parents being at home a lot more certainly in the first few years which is not something most wc people could afford

It's much harder to bond with a child who isn't biologically yours anyway, that's just fact.

I know a few adoptive parents but they are most definitely among the best, most patient, most devoted, well balanced, loving people I know and they have had many difficulties over the years of parenting their dc.

I also know a few people who were adopted and they ALL have major Mh issues and struggle with relationships generally in a number of ways.

Nothing wrong with wanting your kids to inherit your genes if you consider yourself to be blessed with good looks and intelligence. I think thats an honest POV which is probably pretty common

@Chasingaftermidnight

I don’t think adoption should be viewed a direct alternative choice to being a biological parent. It’s a very different challenge. People who do it are absolutely amazing but it isn’t an option for everyone.

This. There are people who want children but can’t have them, and there are children in need of adoption, but they are separate issues. Neither is a fix for the other, despite what Pope Francis seems to think.