To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

One further thing. Previous posters mention lack of support. This is very true. We spoke to our local post adopt team asking for help for our AS. We wanted to access the adoption support fund which is about the only support available.

In order to access that, we had to pay for an OT assessment ourselves and will likely need to do the same for an ADHD assessment. The ASF won't pay for any assessments only therapy once these have been diagnosed. Most adoptive families will tell you that they need help getting the diagnosis in the first place. We have been in the NHS queue for over 2 years and still not even got a date got an appt.

Never been in the position too and I hear the screening is long and drawn out. You have to be a great person to adopt... not sure I’m good enough

Because we are biologically programmed to reproduce.

I would’ve liked to adopt but I’m not willing so put myself through the stringent checks and assessments only to be turned down anyway. I know we could provide a very good home to a child but honestly don’t think we’d meet all criteria.

We started to consider adopting as we were struggling to conceive but as far as we could tell most children in need of homes had issues that naïve first time parents wouldn't have been best placed to deal with. The couple of places we looked wanted us to promise to not TTC so we would have to give up on the idea of ever getting to experience pregnancy, birth and a baby as we would be unlikely to get a newborn so would start at toddler or older and while this was still a possibility I didn't want to give up on the dream (had adopting a new born with the blessing to carry on TTC been a viable option we almost certainly would have pursued it). When we final had DS we briefly discussed adopting to give him a sibling but again felt we would be unlikely to get a child younger than him and that it would be complex to try to integrate an older child (almost certainly with some issues arising form the circumstances that saw them in need of a new family) with a toddler/ young child.

I'm going to be really really honest even though it will sound horrible. I resent the drudgery that comes with motherhood and how motherhood has restricted my life so much. I absolutely adore my DC but I don't think I could make the same sacrifices for children that I didn't give birth to. I know that if I was at home and not able to go out because I had no babysitter or work freely, I'd feel resentment to the biological parents and annoyance that I was having to do all the hard work. Not a particularly nice thought process I grant you but I'm just being honest.

I do think adoption is a very commendable thing to go through and I congratulate those that have done it and it has been a success
I spent time in care and for me personally I never wanted to be adopted. I know others did but for me I don’t think I could have handled living in a family even when I was quite young I did know that was what I didn’t want
Whilst there is a lot of time spent on trauma in young children and it might be a part of even a very small babies life that can leave an impact later on. I do think little is considered when it comes to nature over nurture. I do think that handing over even a baby that has been removed at birth to a nice family and expecting that nature is going to be quashed because of the privileged upbringing a child is going to have is quite short sighted.
I only vaguely remember my gm on my fathers side yet that is who I was compared with. From the colour of my hair to the way I do things.
A friend can see something similar in her own child who has never met the family member her dc takes after. Even down to the way they dress, a particular quirk in how they eat. Because this family member lives a horrible life she is trying to avert this happening to her dc by putting in extra help in certain areas to try and avert history repeating it self

@UserBot989

I think this is just honest. I'm only a bit better looking than ''average'' but shorter than average. I'm possibly only of very average intelligence but my 'intelligences' lean towards social, emotional and linguistic. I'd rather have my own children
I’d argue that you’re not as socially and emotionally intelligent as you think based on the rest of your post.

My cousin adopted two children. The natural mother of one of them was only 14. She has been lucky (in my opinion) that the children are kind of like her in terms of colouring. So she doesn't have to answer questions

By ‘natural’ I assume you mean birth mother. Being able to get pregnant and successfully give birth doesn’t make you a natural mother. Some of the most natural parents I know haven’t given birth.
There is nothing wrong with answering questions if someone is happy to do that, the time where adoption is secretive and children needed to be passed off as your own birth children is long gone.

I can see why people would like to adopt baby girls from china because they're very young and they aren't going to remember anything sad or awful, but if you're not of that race then it's immediately obvious that your children are adopted. I don't know why but that wouldn't be my preference.

I just have no words for this

My children look like me and I kind of like that

Fine but not everyone is the same as you, although with your emotional intelligence I’m surprised you haven’t realised that.

Because, like you, they'd likely want a very small baby. And there aren't that many out there unless you go abroad. Whereas there are lots of children who are older, but people who are genuinely doing it to help a child, are few and far between, because it's so hard. So that's why people don't do it. It is really hard.

Being a biological parent and an adoptive parent isn’t at all comparable.

My son came to me at 18 months old, he’s now six, he’s doing brilliantly right now, but he will likely never be ‘okay’. His parenting needs are different, he needs therapeutic parenting, even when I’m knackered, stressed and he is being a bloody nightmare and pressing every button. Even now I’m finding things he is yet to experience that have caused gaps in his development, one is a need for certain sensory experiences, specifically rocking and general proprioception, he’s currently barrel rolling on the spot at a soft play (aka hell on earth) and has been for a few minutes, he’ll if left to his own devices do that until we leave. He has issues around resources, you can’t take anything off him, he needs to always have access to food and drink, including in his room as he sometimes needs to secretly eat and drink, at school he has to be watched very carefully because he will eat out of the bins.

He has a very good attachment to me, I’m very lucky that he can be babysat by people he knows well. If he doesn’t know them well its a disaster, it took months to slowly build nursery up from an hour a day to four short days a week. For the first term of school he would be so distressed he would vomit, I missed so much work I nearly lost my job. If his both his teacher and the clas TA are off (this has happened a few times since covid) he can’t go to school.

He pushes me to test my attachment to him, he will scream, shout, tell me he hates me, spit at me, hit me and kick me. He’s doing it because he needs to know that I do love him, that I’m not leaving, that no matter what he has done he’ll still get a cuddle, a kiss or a rock.

Compared to the other children at our adoption group he is (currently) fairly easy, there aren’t any signs of FASD, ASD, ADHD or ADD at the moment.

He now has a little sister, she was born in November, when we visit her he is lovely, gives her cuddles, helps bathe her and is generally very positive. Thats because he sees her in her foster home, not his home. I’ve now set up the cot and a few things so they’ve been in our home for a while before she comes home. Those items are obviously a threat to my son, his security and his main resource me, so it will be very challenging when she moves in.

You have to consider that the birth family and foster carers become part of your family. As well as pictures of us on display we have pictures of his foster carers, his birth mum, I talk about them, he tells people about them. My son didn’t join me and become my family, I became part of his.

He is hard work, but I don’t know any different, to me my parenting experience is completely normal, yes its stressful and I get tired, but I enjoy and I love being his Dad.

@Quackpot

Because we are biologically programmed to reproduce.

But, often, not programed to parent!

It absolutely has to be the right people who are selected to parent these children, they have been through too much already. They are not the consolation prize for infertile adults.

A million times this.

My friend started the process but found it incredibly invasive and her house and life style had to be exactly right for a child... even though right then they had no children! She found it so hard she dropped out in the end. Pretty much all the children she was given to look at were older, in sibling groups or had some kind of disability or trauma. She didn't feel capable of supporting a child with high needs of some kind. Another friend did adopt but her child, despite being adopted under a year old has had significant attachment and anger issues despite being with her since a baby.

In my work I have seen children in early years going through the adoption process via SS and Foster families. These children have been lovely but one had FAS and behavioural issues and they all still had contact with birth families. For some this would continue after adoption.

Personally, I think I could do temporary Foster care - hard as it would be - but not sure I would want to adopt and be responsible for them and supporting them long term.

So much misinformation about adoption and so many assumptions about children and parents involved in adoption on this thread.

@WorraLiberty

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk).

You'd likely want a very small baby, would you?

How many very small babies do you think are up for adoption, compared to older children who's lives have been fucked up by trauma?

Unfortunately this is only too accurate.

You could be taking on a child/children who have massive emotional and mental health problems.

We had friends who adopted siblings in their early teens, and their marriage broke up under the strain. I'm not saying this happens every time, of course, but it's certainly something to be aware of.

Another friend fostered, then adopted a baby (was intended to be a short-term foster, but natural mother, who was a drug addict, cause d so many complications and so much trouble (she didn't decide that she definitely didn't want her baby until she was pregnant with the next one), that they had had her for three years and couldn't part with her. That little girl is now an adult, but has a lot of problems caused by her mother's drug use - but at least my friend and her husband had an idea what they were taking on, thought has still been difficult for them.

I do know others who have adopted children around the 3-5 age range - variable degrees of success.

@SilverHairedCat

It's brutal in many ways. It's a slow process. Very intrusive into you, your ways of thinking, your mind experiences, your experience with children etc.

If you've not had much exposure to children, you'll be required to spend lots of time doing something like working in a nursery, volunteering at Brownies etc.

You may be required to undergo counselling if they are worried you've not dealt with some thing in your history.

They want to see your medical records, any counselling notes, speak to friends, family and neighbours.

You'll need to demonstrate you have a decent support network of friends, family or whoever you have in life.

You'll then need to prepare a portfolio to how what you've read, studied, undertaken etc to support your application. I spent £100 on books to read.

Then they may still not approve you. I haven't recovered yet and it's been several years.

I came on to say something along these lines. My older sister tried to adopt - along with her second DH - as they couldn't have children. They were both graduate professionals earning a very good living. DSis was intending to give up work to be a SAHM. The process absolutely broke them. The Social worker was clearly jealous of their lifestyle - made sniping, bitchy comments every time she came round about the holidays they'd had in the Maldives, etc. She told them their wealth went against them as it would be difficult for a child who had been in care to 'adjust' to the fact that they were comfortably off and it might cause problems.

The thing that eventually made them pull out was that the SW insisted she needed to speak to my DSis's abusive ex husband - the one who'd been so violent towards my DSis that he'd been arrested. The one who'd broken her arm and her nose on two occasions. The one she had a restraining order against - and had not had children with. The social worker insisted that he had to be interviewed in depth to see whether he felt my sister would be suitable as a mother.

I mean - what the actual fuck? They refused and pulled out at this point, almost two years into the process and in their early 40s.

It's something I considered for when my biological children are older. However seeing how gruelling it was for my aunt, and ultimately it ended in a failed adoption, has made me rethink.

@Thunderbolted let's face it, it's far more likely that you're both more arrogant and deluded than average, rather than more attractive and intelligent than average.

I absolutely loved the baby stage... parenting is really hard work and actually older children are imo harder work than babies. I wouldn't be prepared to enter parenthood whilst skipping out the best, most magical part of it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk).

You have a very naïve view of adoption, not saying don't go for it, the adoption process will furnish you the realities so you are prepared.

Remember some of the causes of future issues can occur even before birth.

My best friend was adopted and she is the best human I've ever met. And someone very very near and dear spent much of his childhood in foster care; a better or gentler man you never met.

I would hate for any adoptee to read this thread and think people assumed they were doomed to be fuck-ups.

ThisIsNotARealAvo
*SWs bend over backwards to recruit suitable adopters but our children have a lot of problems and there is so little support. It's almost impossible to access therapy or any other kind of support whatever you do.

I'd still recommend adoption and I'd do it all again, but it's very hard and the support they promise will be available isn't.*

This is what friends who have adopted have told me. Children's mental health services are woefully underfunded, but its particularly shameful that its so difficult to get help for these most vulnerable of children. Ideally they should be having expert support with their mental health from the time they are removed from their birth parents.

Honestly I am not sure I could be a good enough parent for an adopted child.
Parenting my birth children who are all healthy and securely attached has been hard enough.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing.

I should also point out I would likely be considering overseas adoption - for a variety of reasons

Between the naivety of your posts, the lack of engagement on the points that posters have raised, and these comments in particular, it’s hard not to wonder if there’s a touch of the saviour complex here…

Be aware too that some tiny babies aren’t ‘perfect’. A wonderful couple I know adopted 3 half siblings, all different fathers. All 3 had the same significant lifelong issues due to mum’s behaviour whilst pregnant.

I always wanted to adopt, older kids out of nappies, but just never had a desperate urge.

I heard recently that a prospective adopter was told to lose weight. It’s crazy how strict they are.