To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

In theory it's a wonderful idea, but the reality can be very different. OP, you sound almost wilfully naive. I'm sure there are many, many happy stories of adoption, but just witnessing a relative's experience was enough to put me off - social workers didn't disclose all relevant info on baby who was removed at birth, then failed to provide support when DC grew into a very violent child, (despite the fact she spent years begging for help), eventually DC seriously injured her and she left the family home/ended marriage. Whole situation was hugely sad.

@pinkiedash... Hmmm, I did?

Lots of people said they didn't want to adopt because they wouldn't want an older child (that's not true that there are only older children available for adoption).

Lots of people said the process is too hard/intrusive... It really isn't has hard as some perceive it to be

Lots of people said false facts about what happens in the adoption process.

Just stating facts for anyone reading who may be considering adoption 🤷

I'm adopted, it absolutely sucked. I would have been less damaged if I'd grown up in care. Also I wanted someone in the world i'm biologically related to

why do people post about something as sensitive as this that they haven't personally been involved in

Because the OP specifically asked for opinions from non-adopters too.

@ineedsun

They want a baby, don’t actually care about helping children in care/needing families. They want a nice baby, that isn’t traumatised that they can take in and raise ‘normally’. An approach that would be slapped down quickly and firmly by an adoption panel in the uk.

I have adopted two children. The ongoing support is patchy, but there if you dig. One of ours came to us as a newborn, when we were fostering- she has had very few issues, and is a confident young woman with a strong identity.

Her sibling, who is older, came to us at 2 1/2 and has significant attachment issues. She also has learning disabilities (moderate/severe). Her behaviours have put our family under immense stress, though I’m acutely aware that most of her behaviour against us is not personal, and is a primal need for control.

A lot of people think that love is enough for a successful adoption, when they first enter the process- when they realise the reality, they often drop out. I don’t judge that one bit- it’s been desperately hard at times, and we’re 19 years in.

I know of 4 families who adopted over the course of the last 20 years. In all cases they adopted under 2’s and in two cases under 1 year.
All these children came with issues. Some they knew about before adoption. Quite a few issues were not known. Whilst support is there through adoption process, the biggest grievance I heard from them is that this support literally vanishes in practice once adoption is complete. It leaves the parents bewildered and uninformed on how to deal with new issues and what has given rise to them.
In 2 cases the marriage collapsed under the strain. In one the father no longer sees the children at all and got married again and had his own biological children. In the other case the women ended up with depresssion and anxiety, and is now struggling to care for an adult with high needs at a time when her counterparts are thinking about retiring. She couldn’t work as she needs to be full career, so she is poor, on benefits and had to sell her family home at divorce and has lived in rentals ever since.
Of the 2 families that have managed both had a huge and generous family network that stepped in to support and provide restbite care when needed. Both would say, however much joy those children bring, they had clearly underestimated the challenge.
I was appalled when I saw this happening for the first time. After seeing it 4 times I think these families are hero’s …but I certainly could not have done that, nor wanted to.
Get out of your head any idea that you can adopt a baby that won’t have special issues or needs. This is no longer the 1960’s where having babies out of wedlock was a social taboo and babies were given up/near forcibly removed. Babies come up for adoption because they are being removed from neglect or risk
Whilst we’re on it, if the pope thinks it’s such an easy ride, maybe he should’ve adopted kids when he was younger…no?

Most people don't put small babies up for adoption because nowadays people who don't want babies have abortions. A lot of the children up for adoption have been with their birth families long enough that social services have tried, and failed, to improve their situation without taking them away. Often they're put in foster care and the birth family contests in court, meaning it's months or years before babies are put up for adoption. This is why they are prone to trauma.

But also, if you're struggling to conceive and would be open to an older child who might have difficulties, then this might be the option for you. It's a lovely thing to give these children a home, and obviously there's no guarantee that biological children wouldn't have difficulties of one form or another.

@Nailsbythesea I can see why those things are red flags. Adoptive parents need immense emotional resilience. Whilst the anniversary of a parent death is always significant, not wanting an adoption appt on these day ten years on is quite extreme imo. I can see why they worried about his ability to deal with adoption issues. They often push people to the extreme

We adopted butI don't think you can appreciate how gruelling it is. My son came to us at 3 months and still suffers consequences of prebirth trauma and being born addicted. He is very worth it but every parent in our adoption network has a child who has been affected to a lesser or greater extent due to their experiences. You are highly unlikely to get the "perfect baby" whatever that is. Little ones that are removed at birth can still have difficulties being removed from birth mum. Please look into it if its what you want but please don't view ot as "giving a child a home" they are not puppies. I'm not saying you do it's just that some do. The simpering "oh aren't you kind" face will get up your nose in time OP.
Good luck with whatever you do, the adoption board is an excellent place to start.

[quote raspberrymuffin]@wheresmymojo is that a blanket rule about bipolar? I had assumed DH's bipolar would be something we'd need to discuss if we went down that route but didn't realise it would be an automatic no.[/quote]
@raspberrymuffin

I would think all local authorities will have their own policies, and there's a degree of subjective judgement from the GP and social worker

I don't know for sure, but would be surprised if bipolar disorder is always an automatic barrier to adoption

Very har they may want to talk to ex partners going back years all family members .Medical records ,your finical situation.

Then if you have the extra bedroom

Chancesof a baby or toddler with no trauma are very very low .

I would like to long tern faster in the future but more geared towards special needs

@PurpleDaisies

Anyone get the distinct impression the op isn’t really listening to anyone saying anything negative?

Yep. This is the 4th thread I've commented on in the last couple of weeks where op ignored all the negative/opposed to their views posts, and only focused on the (very few) posts agreeing with her. Those first 3 threads have now all been deleted.....

@EmergencyHydrangea I’m so sorry to hear that. Hugs.

Almost impossible to adopt 'very small babies' only possible way to do that is if you foster in the mean time as the process is long. Babies are usually toddlers before they can officially be adopted. Both the people I know who have been offered 'babies' didn't get them home til 18 months. Chances of you as a random person thinking about it now and not someone who has been a foster carer for years or been engaged with adoption services for a long long time getting one are slim to none. Having said that even babies will have suffered poor attachment, stress and trauma in the very early days or even in utero. Mother might have been taking drugs or drinking alcohol when pregnant, the effects of this often aren't immediately apparent so absolutely no guarantee that a baby removed at birth won't suffer severe developmental trauma or have FAS. It's a lovely idea but in reality can be very very hard. Not to mention the long and gruelling approval process looking in to every inch of your life and finances

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

That is the worst thing I have ever heard on here. I’m so glad you aren’t ever going to adopt. My (adopted) daughter is absolutely stunningly beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, kind and not judgemental or arrogant enough to think she is better than everyone else.

I have adopted. The process is generally less than nine months so the same as a pregnancy.

There are newborn babies who come into care on a foster to adopt basis but there are risks to this. In my local authority there are often babies under one who needs new families.

Any child in care has been through trauma. Moving from birth mum to foster carer is a trauma. Moving from foster carer to adopter is another trauma.It is wrong to think that babies will be less affected by their trauma, sometimes that works in the opposite way because they are not able to verbalise their trauma at the time. The effects of this trauma may not be visible for years and years but it will come.

I would never adopt a child in Britain. I have a lot of friends who adopted. My oldest friends adopted twin boys, aged 4. Social Services told them very little about them. it turned out they have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and were left alone in a room and were never spoken to their whole lives, so their speech was barely there. There were many other problems. The mother was an alcoholic and drug addict. Social Services knew all this but said nothing.

My friends have spent well over 3 million pounds over 18 years to give them the best chance they can, including emigrating to a country where there were specialist facilities for their speech problems and for FAS children not available here.

My friend puts it best - if they weren't millionaires, the boys would have ended up in prison. As it is, they hold down low level jobs, have great manners, and are very likeable, but will never be fully independent. The couple split up with the pressure of it all. Both effectively lost their careers and they ploughed everything they had into these children. They are now worried about what will happen to them when they die.

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

This is a reality to consider. I have oxbridge friends who have adopted a sibling group at young primary age. Children are now in teens. In our group of uni friends, many of us have teenage children and the norm amongst our group is that these kids have spent their school career doing very well academically and will probably go on to good universities. The adopted children are settled in a loving family - but there is still a clear gap in how 'easy' they find school (in all senses of the word) and thus on what kind of path they will take as young adults. There's no point ignoring that, and the parents do talk about how they feel at the difference between their childrens' experience and the children of their friends/peer group.

Because of trauma, I would think. Even adopting a baby/toddler.
And the scrutiny your life is under if you go through the process via social services.
Also people want to pass on their ‘genes’.
I have known, professionally, adopted children, and they all had significant behavioural issues due to trauma.

We adopted through choice, we also have a older birth child. It was and is the best thing we ever did. I am also a mentor for adopters going through the process, and finally just to be completely open, I am a guy and adopted with my wife.

Yes it’s hard, but in some ways no harder than our experience with our birth child. I do recognise there are potentially more challenges adopting an older child but for us that would not have stopped us.

Like many have said adopting a baby is harder but the introduction of Foster For Adoption is a potentially route in if you can live with the small risk it might not end up in adoption.

I would say to anyone interested, attend a few information events, have some honest conversations with the social workers, other adopters and yourselves and then decide if it feels right for you or not

We looked into adoption, but I got scared off. The vast majority of children put up for adoption in UK have a severe history of neglect, violence or drug or alcohol related foetal abnormalities. The level of support you get once the adoption is secured is shameful. Whatever you do, please don't believe the line that 'all they need is love'. Of course they need love but that is far from all they need. Many of them have complex SEN and emotional trauma needs which should be dealt with by specialists in an appropriate educational setting. But you'll have a lifelong battle on your hands to get them the funding and support they deserve.

(1) People quite rightly have to go though a good deal of vetting before they're permitted to adopt; (2) In the UK, there are very few healthy babies available for adoption, due to a combination of availability of birth control; improved life expectancy meaning that there are few literal orphans; and changed attitudes to single parenthood meaning that few babies are given up at birth by single mothers; (3) Any child available for adoption within the UK is likely to be an older child from an extremely dysfunctional family, and to have many emotional and sometimes physical problems. Apart from the fact that potential adoptive parents might not feel able or willing to cope with these children, responsible agencies won't let people adopt unless they are quite sure that they will be suitable parents for the children. Just wanting to isn't enough. (4) Due to previous trafficking scandals, it is now extremely difficult to adopt from abroad.

Id consider in-family adoption or foster but I would not put myself through the process of adoption in order to raise a traumatised disabled child through choice.
There isnt a limitless supply of babies to adopt. Most people who get pregnant and dont want the baby get an abortion.
The ones available for adoption are generally drug addicted babies removed at birth or older children with attachment disorders,foetal alcohol syndrome etc. It takes a really special sort of person to help these children and that ismt me, plus i dont even think id get past the background checks. You do have to be practically perfect in every way. The threshold to adopt is very very different to the thrrshhold of whether they let you keep your own biological children if you get pregnant

Honestly? Because I don’t want to