To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

I have a family member who has fostered many babies prior to adoption and has kept in touch with many of them.

Being a baby is no guarantee there are not issues that come out further along.

Why do you think babies get given up for adoption? In many cases it's because the parents are deemed unsafe / incapable of looking after them. Those root cause issues can well be handed down to the next generation regardless of them living elsewhere.

Sorry - replying to @Thunderbolted there

My brother and his wife foster.

While I know fostering and adopting are very different from the foster parent/parent perspective, both are centered around child in the care system and it’s grueling.

All of the newborns/very young babies my brother has fostered have been born to parents with addiction issues and the babies themselves often have medical and neurological issues as a direct result.

The children he’s had aged maybe 3 to 11 have often been recently removed from their parents and often have had very traumatic upbringings.

The older children have often been through mixes of care homes/foster homes, going back to their parents temporarily, back to foster care etc. They’re very tough to parent. So many are traumatised and act out. Many have a history of rubbing away and trying to get back to their parents, often to be rejected. It’s harrowing.

Based on my brother’s experiences, social workers aren’t working effectively, in many cases.

Adopting children is hard. So much harder than anyone thinks, even babies can have trauma and this can come out later. It is not a simple option at all

Anyone get the distinct impression the op isn’t really listening to anyone saying anything negative?

I thought about adoption. Then a friend of mine tried. Married, settled, good job, lovely husband. Months and months of invasive assessment. Turned down because she had previously had clinical depression, ironically because she was unable to conceive. A few months later she fell pregnant and is the most natural, wonderful mother. She is still sad that the adoption process was so flawed.

I also saw a documentary about a woman who adopted a baby. Foetal alcohol syndrome. She gave up work to care for the baby. A few years later, the bio mum got herself pregnant again. The adoptive parents agreed to adopt the sibling. Guess what. Foetal alcohol syndrome. Third child, she adopted again. And now, you guessed it, she has three kids still battling the disabilities of foetal alcohol syndrome.

You are being startlingly naive.

@emsie12345

A good place to start- "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. The wants and desires of an adoptive parent are no longer priority and rightly so. Said as an adult adoptee hitting 40 and in eternal recovery.

Me too. It used to be assumed babies of healthy but unmarried mums didn't have issues. But it's just not so. Almost every adult adopted adult I know has some depth of upset / trauma / attachment issues. I have DC but no concept of how they feel emotionally tied to me.(very) I never had that. As a child I always felt to be the odd one. I loved my parents but had an emotional barrier between me & them. I don't get close to people often. I have siblings who are birth children. I look very different. I have totally different interests and personality type. I never quite fitted in although they would say otherwise. I was placed at 6 weeks.

A friend of mine adopted two sisters aged 3 and 5. They came from a home of drug addicts. The youngest child was fine. The oldest child had a lot of anger issues and took them out on her adopted mum - my friend. This went on until she was 16. The horrible letters she sent to her adopted "mum" were awful, her behaviour was hard to deal with and my friend ended up on antidepressants and had very little and next to no support from the adoption organisation. It nearly ended her marriage too on several occasions. The child is in her 20's now and doing ok, but the pain my friend went through was truly awful. The child obviously needed a lot of support which was not forthcoming.

I think adoption and providing a child with a loving home is a wonderful thing, but I think there is a lack of support for adopted parents and children at the time when they really need it. Also, I believe that not all organisations fully disclose the child's history which is not helpful as parents often do not fully know what the child has been through and what help they may need in the future.

Both sets of parents I know who adopted have children from traumatic alcoholic homes which then plays a part in how they react/ behave to triggers.
It's hard work, they are all on the autistic spectrum and have underlying health issues.
Also their behaviour can be particularly challenging. I won't go into too much detail but think holes in walls, remotes through TVs and regularly smashed up iPads.

My husband is adopted. We would love to adopt another child or teenager but:

We already have one teen with ASD. I am his full time carer.

We don’t have a spare bedroom.

Both DH and I know about adverse childhood experiences. We know families who have adopted children from horrendous backgrounds, some have been tough going. We have thought about fostering but there are too many obstacles.

Also to @Thunderbolted - I'm attractive and highly intelligent. Have done modelling in the past and have a high IQ. My 5yo has SEN but is testing at age 8 or 9+ in every single area he is tested in, and is also incredibly more beautiful than any child I could have made myself.

But obviously only ugly thicko's have their children removed and placed for adoption

The lack of support for adopted children and their adopting parents is absolutely disgusting. I've seen it second hand IRL but it always, always comes up in these types of threads. We are failing these families on every level.

@Loobyloula

Blimey the misconceptions about adoption and the adoption process on this thread 🤣🤣 why do people post about something as sensitive as this that they haven't personally been involved in... Anyway..

OP to adopt you need a spare room (each child in the house needs their own bedroom), you do not need to be well off but you do need to be financially a float and be able to provide financially for a child, you need to be relatively fit and healthy (having a disability is not a definite no depending on circumstances etc!!), you need to have an open mind and be willing to learn about the kids and their needs now and potential needs in the future, you need to be able to take time off post placement for adoption leave...in a nutshell those are the things you "need". There will be other things that come up as you're assessed and you would be grilled a lot about adoption as a first choice when you don't have any reason to believe you can't have bio kids.. That wouldn't be enough for you to not be approved but SWs would need to be sure of your motivation etc.

It sounds like you're already aware of trauma, attachment and therapeutic parenting which is a good starting point.

The process isn't that bad. It's intrusive yes but it has to be so these kids are getting the best for their circumstances. I don't think it is unreasonably intrusive.

The process involves a medical, work and personal references, finance checks, home safety checks, pet checks and weekly interviews with your SW where they will want to know about you and your lifestyle/home life etc.

You will have an approval panel to become an approved adopter and a matching panel where you are matched with your child. Your child will move in and after 10 weeks or so you can apply to the court to make the adoption official once you are ready. You do not go to panel being pitched against other adopters for a particular child, no sure where someone got that idea from.

There are babies available for adoption both in the traditional route of adoption and in the Foster to adopt scheme. It is not selfish to want to adopt a younger child and arguably better for the kids anyway.
In terms of contact with birth parents most APs have indirect letterbox once per year with BP. But unless there is a court order stating otherwise that is up to you as the parent to decide if its in your child's best interests to keep going or not. Most kids it would be in their best interests of course, it can be a very positive thing to do for you child.

Adoption UK and the adoption boards on here are great.

Adopting our DC (who are our own just as much as our bio DC!) is the best thing we've ever done (alongside our bio kids). It is not always easy but I would do it again and again if I had the space/money/patience.

Because she asked non adopters why we would or wouldn't not adopt. Read the OP!

Please look into this if you think it might be for you. So many children are looking for their forever families. I have several friends who were adopted and are extremely close to their (adoptive) parents.
I was able to conceive my own DC and I didn’t want to add any more kids to their lives when young, but we are looking at fostering when they leave home.

This fleetingly came up when my first wife and I discussed the possibility of having children. I have never wanted any children, but did discuss the matter.

She refused to consider trying to adopt even for an instant, because she wanted to see what her own (biological) children would look like.

@adoptionthoughts

I should also point out I would likely be considering overseas adoption - for a variety of reasons.

I was with you till this, why overseas rather than making a difference to one of the thousands of kids already in the UK who need a stable and loving home?

I don’t think adoption should be viewed a direct alternative choice to being a biological parent. It’s a very different challenge. People who do it are absolutely amazing but it isn’t an option for everyone.

I think most people want babies and there aren't enough to go round. Most kids need adoption are older or have siblings or are disabled.

I know everyone is saying it is difficult to adopt babies but up until 8 years ago I had no knowledge or experience of adoption
Since then my sibling has adopted, a baby at 8m old
My close friend has now adopted two children, both adopted as babies and both were less than 12m old when they were adopted
I don't know whether this is just extremely unusual but both at opposite ends of the country too
Both couples were in their 30's in good jobs with their own houses and a bedroom for the children. It hasn't been without difficulties though

My DD is adopted. Baby adoption (she was 16 months when we got our adoption order, she was in the same foster from birth with a lovely older couple). She's 11 now, and shes a beautiful, amazing girl. My whole world.

There was no background of drugs or alcohol. Her birth family had a chaotic/nomadic lifestyle, and it was deemed very early in the pregnancy that she would be at risk (birth parent had already had a child taken into care). Birth parents opposed her being adopted in the sense that they refused to sign anything, but made no actual effort beyond that to oppose. She could have been with us sooner had they agreed.

When we applied to adopt, we requested age 2 years and upwards, because we thought babies were an extreme rarity. We were quickly persuaded (for a few reasons, our age was one factor - both of us well under 40) to amend our application to baby adoption. We were told that there WERE, contrary to belief, not insignificant numbers of babies requiring adoption. During home study, we said no to most things (you are asked what history you feel able to cope with). We realised that we were limiting ourselves, but it wouldve been unfair to agree to things we knew we couldnt deal with.

The process IS as gruelling as people say. I think time scales have changed now to shorten the approval process, but I imagine the criteria is still as strict. We went on an introduction course, and there were several couples and single people, however only us and one other couple made it to approval.

I think we were lucky in a few senses. We live in a small coastal town, we had a very experienced social work 'elder' conducting our home study (she was shit hot tbf, really took us under her wing) and we had no criteria issues. Our daughter is also perhaps something of a rarity (though perhaps not as much as people think, babies ARE still sometimes relinquished) in her background. That said, she still had to cope with leaving her beloved foster carers at a very young age, and there was a definite (although she has no conscious memory) emotional delay/reaction that took time to heal - the first time she cuddled into me when in a busy room is a moment that will stay with me forever.

I should also say that we went out on something of a limb, and did it our way (SW go heavy on the need to sort of 'remind' them theyre adopted). We're parents whose DD came into our family in a different way; beyond that we've brought her up as we wouldve a birth child. She knows she is adopted, she knows most of her background, however its never been made a defining feature. She owns it, she calls the shots. We have no contact with birth family, she knows first names and some background, theres a more in depth information link if/when she wants to know more about them.

I know adopters who were promised all sorts of long term support, but it never materialised. Once the papers were stamped, SS disappeared. With the parting shot ‘You wanted a child, now you’ve got one.’
Also even very young babies will have issues.
They have lost their primary carer. This is extremely important.
They are likely to have foetal alcohol syndrome and/or be affected by drug use. (This will almost definitely be unproven as it’s minimised and denied )
Plus they are mostly descended from generations of dysfunctional families, very likely with mental health issues, who needed help themselves which was probably inadequate or non existent.
Adopters need to be aware of all this, and expect the child to have issues.

I don't really like the 'very damaged' label.
Children are impacted by their experiences and may well have deep seated trauma.
But somehow 'very damaged' to me seems to imply a level of brokenness that separates them from other children.
And that just isn't true.
My DC are lovely, but do have extra emotional challenges they need to overcome. With the right support though they will succeed.

I think adoption in the US is a lot more common, probably partly because of the different views on abortion there and partly because of the relative lack of security net in terms of housing, benefits, health care etc. Here children are usually only put up for adoption in extreme cases of neglect, drug abuse, domestic violence etc and all of that has profound consequences even on a tiny baby (and those are few and far between due to the amount of time it typically takes to go through the process). It's an important and wonderful thing to do of course, but something you need to go into with eyes wide open.

I don't think having a child should be about "rescue". If you have a mindset that thinks you are giving a child a better life, in a selfless way, then that confers a load of expectations on the child. Expectations of gratitude. No child should be expected to be "grateful" in this way. They might be, or they might not. Many many teens are inherently selfish etc and that's developmentally normal. If someone adopts it should only be because they desperately want to parent a child. Not because they want to 'rescue' one.

The families I know with adopted children have had a variety of experiences but in all but one case this has involved developmental complexity, learning or behavioural needs and in every case bar one it has been bloody hard at times.

As far as I know, it's very difficult to adopt. You have to be perfect parents on paper and you also have to be rich or at least financially solvent.