To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

@Jellycatspyjamas

Because adoption is essentially about giving a the poor abandoned kid a loving home.

@Subulter the vast majority of children placed for adoption aren’t abandoned - they’ve been purposely removed from parent who for many varied reasons can’t care for them. They are usually loved and wanted, but parents don’t have the capacity to care for them.

Ohm I get this I was responding to a poster who seemed to have a saviour fantasy. I'm not an adopter, but have several now-adult godchildren whose adoptions I remember I've no doubt they were loved in most cases, but by parents whose addictions or MH issues made it impossible for them to give them safe or stable lives.

@keke95LND
Also there's no such thing as a 'perfect baby/Chiild' when it comes to adoption

You haven't met my son obviously. Seriously though is there such a thing as a perfect child anyway? My son (adopted) is perfect in my eyes at least.

Subulter we have adopted 8 and only one was removed for his own safety. The others were relinquished at birth due to medical conditions. The loveliest people I have ever met, we have been so lucky.

yes, my dd is perfect too!

@sweetbellyhigh it's funny because I didn't feel any of this really or think about it until I had my own son and then I realised I have never had this bond with anyone before absolutely no one. It's something I feel I have never experienced like a really deep connection which I guess is normal for most people

We wanted to adopt and after TTC unsuccessfully for several years started the process. Everything was going well until they asked who would be staying at home with the child/children. When we explained we both planned to work we were told categorically that if we both worked we would never get a child placed with us. I know people who have adopted who both worked but in every case their finances meant they could afford for one to give up work if necessary. That wouldn't have been an option for us and I imagine it isn't for a lot of people. I'm sure this isn't the case everywhere, but we were told this by 2 different LAs. It is really not easy to adopt

@Fromtheground what was your plan if the child needed an adult at home, had health issues or couldn’t tolerate childcare?

@Fromtheground

We wanted to adopt and after TTC unsuccessfully for several years started the process. Everything was going well until they asked who would be staying at home with the child/children. When we explained we both planned to work we were told categorically that if we both worked we would never get a child placed with us. I know people who have adopted who both worked but in every case their finances meant they could afford for one to give up work if necessary. That wouldn't have been an option for us and I imagine it isn't for a lot of people. I'm sure this isn't the case everywhere, but we were told this by 2 different LAs. It is really not easy to adopt

EVERYONE I know who's adopted both parents returned to work after the settling in period. Yes you're expected to take a decent chunk of maternity leave (many ask for a year) but it's absolute rubbish that it's mandatory for one of you to quit work. This is precisely why you shouldn't base a life changing decision on random anecdotes from the internet...

@Pedalpushers

Someone in my family has gone through the process successfully and it is HARD. Loads of assessments, they look into your entire life, your extended family, everything. They had to move to a bigger house before they could be considered. They aren't allowed to move out of that house now for x years. The requirements even once you have the child are intense, they aren't really yours to do as you wish in the same way your biological children would be. They have restrictions on where they can and can't take their child based on their biological family, they have constant visitations from social workers, they have rules on who they can introduce their child to, what they can do with them etc. And they have a relatively issue-free little girl, she was over 3 when they adopted her, they wanted a baby as most do but the only options available for babies were those who came with older siblings as well. The whole process took them nearly 2 years.

And that's someone who was successful. My former coworker was rejected initially because as a couple, she used to be a teacher but her husband had no real childcare experience, and they said combined it wasn't enough. Her husband ended up volunteering with children's groups for 2 years before they could then proceed. She was also told that she had to lose weight before she could be considered and pass health tests.

This seems very strange to me - my friends who adopted have had zero contact from social services once the adoption went through, even when they were desperate for support. They can do whatever they want with their daughters, no-one is keeping tabs on them. Are you sure your friends aren't in fact fostering?

Yes you're expected to take a decent chunk of maternity leave (many ask for a year) but it's absolute rubbish that it's mandatory for one of you to quit work.

It’s not mandatory but you need to have options, because newly placed children may need quite a bit longer than usual mat leave to settle in. I don’t know anyone who has adopted where work arrangements haven’t changed considerably. I don’t know any adopters where both parents have gone back to work full time, or where they’ve not had to have a decent level of flexibility. My DH and I had a number of options re work which included if necessary one of us stopping and staying at home. It’s not a case of thinking I’ll take 9 months or a year out and then go back to normal because the child may simply not cope with that. Having no alternatives regarding work would be a reasonable reason to not continue with the process.

@Jellycatspyjamas we had a good support network but your question highlights the reason we were told we wouldn't get a child. We would have had to use childcare and if the child couldn't tolerate that we would have been stuck. Our family, while retired couldn't have provided enough childcare for us both to work full time, and of course the child may not have coped well with extended family members and may have required a single carer who was there 24/7 for them. I completely understand why we were told what we were and I agree. If we'd had a biological child and they'd had additional needs we'd have been equally screwed but the chance is a lot lower than an adopted child having those problems.

@Jannt86 as I said, I know lots of couple who have adopted and both returned to work full time. I also said it may not be the same in all areas as I cannot comment on every LA. However I do know that for every single couple I know who returned to work full time, they could afford for one to give up work if needed. They were lucky and it wasn't needed and they had children with relatively few issues who adapted to full time care outside of the home well and are now doing very well at school. But if any of the children had struggled, the parents would have had to accommodate that and it makes sense to ensure prospective adopters have options in those circumstances.
I am only saying what happened to me, which was being told that if there was no way we would be able to afford for one of us to give up work, that we wouldn't get a child placed with us. If we had a family member who was able to provide full time and long term childcare and who the child could form a secure attachment to, things may well have been different.

Why ? Because as pps have said it is an incredibly hard journey. Every single piece of your and your partners life will be looked into.

Things now are very different to how they used to be. You now would have to "prove" your suitability. I agree that there does need to be strict rules but some of them are ridiculous.
The Powers that be may decide that
You are too old,
Too fat,
You or partner may have had a difficult upbringing,
One of you may smoke,
Eat unhealthily,
One of you may have an undiagnosed health issue.
You may not 'fit' into the box that determines if you are the right people.

They will want to know
Why you don't have your own children,
How you feel about this,
What would happen if you suddenly became pregnant,
What if one of you decided that you didn't want to be a parent any more.
Can you afford a child.
What happens if you lose your job
and many more.
It is a very long drawn out process. Although these things are important biological parents don't have to answer these questions and therefore many children end up in care who shouldn't have been there.

I think for everyone bemoaning the restrictions, requirements or whatever of the approval process should think about this

Adoption is not a service for people who want children.

Adoption is a service for the most vulnerable children in our communities. They need certain things, often over and above what the average child needs,. If you can't provide that or commit to changing your life to provide that, then no you aren't suitable to adopt.

So many times I hear people say things on the lines of have a great job, I earn loads of money, we live in a big house and with a big garden, we have a holiday home, we can give them this, this, this.
But do you what - none of that really matters. Of course you need to provide financially for your child, but what they most need is you - your time and attention.
I have a part time job ( not a career) , I don't particularly like it - I do it because it pays me what I need, I can leave it at the door at the end of the day, and its very family friendly. We live in a bog standard terrace, no car. no fancy holidays - youth hostels, B&Bs, Premier Inns. A couple of holidays abroad which we saved up for.

But what my son needed most was me, so that's what he got.

@Keke94LND

My dads cousin and her husband are very well off and lovely, they couldn't have kids and adopted 2, a boy and a girl, they were both very small babies when they were adopted, the daughter is mid teens now and she has a lot a lot a lot of issues which stems from things that happened when she was a very small baby that she won't even remember now, but it still effects her, just something to be mindful of, just because it's a very small baby doesn't mean it hasn't suffered long lasting traumas. Also there's no such thing as a 'perfect baby/Chiild' when it comes to adoption

Once again another poster implying that bio children are better than us reject broken adopted children. Yay!

It’s so good to know how many people truly look at us as less.

I don’t @LovePoppy. I have a bio child and two adopted children. Two have issues which have had to be worked through, and one has been the easiest ever child to parent. That one isn’t the bio child.

I love them all equally though.

Ted27 has hit the nail on the head, it is not children for parents but parents for children. Ofcourse Social Services have to be careful and to be honest we have had nothing to hide. The fact I grew up with an emotionally abusive stepmother and had dealt with it definitely helped.
We did not find the process too arduous.

@Imissmoominmama

I don’t *@LovePoppy*. I have a bio child and two adopted children. Two have issues which have had to be worked through, and one has been the easiest ever child to parent. That one isn’t the bio child.

I love them all equally though.

Thank you for that. Your children are lucky

@Ted27 hit the nail on the head. Children coming to adoption need parents who will absolutely put their needs first. That may mean changing your career plans, because the child may not cope with childcare or school or may have health appointments regularly. It may mean changing your parenting style away from “traditional” methods of managing behaviour. It may mean changing your social interactions eg big family gatherings may not be ok for your child. It may mean not having alcohol around the house, or having to be very flexible about food and meal times, or changing the way your home is set up, or changing your standards of home care, the list goes on and will encompass things you’ve not ever thought about.

The process needs to be thorough and needs to focus on how much capacity you have for change, because you will need to adapt to your child, not the other way round.

@LovePoppy

I know dozens of adoptive families. We all think our kids are the best thing since sliced bread, we would all walk to the ends of the earth for them, no matter what challenges they bring, Because they are ours and we love them.

No way are adopted children and people 'less' . I think I love my son even more because of all the things he has overcome.

And of all my my mum's grandchildren and great grandchildren - he is her favourite - not that she would ever show that to the others

@LovePoppy I think herein demonstrates the vitalness of the words we choose. I would NEVER describe my daughter as 'damaged' or 'lesser' than any other child. To me she's perfect and a million times more amazing than anyone else on this earth. However I don't think it's helpful either to refuse to acknowledge that she's been hurt by what's happened to her. She's been put in an imperfect situation but that doesn't make her imperfect for a second. If I'm going to help her become the happiest and most successful woman that she can be I think I need to embrace this fact not deny it. I am always open to hearing what adoptees think is the best approach though as you are the true voice xx

I would have loved to adopt and have wanted to since I was a child but there is some very complicated family relationships with a lot of hurt in the past. Dragging it all up would have been horrendous for everyone involved and I think our chances could have been sabotaged so it would have caused so much hurt and I doubt we would have passed because of it. Even without this we are really private people and I know they need to but the idea of them raking through every tiny part of our lives, relationships etc was too difficult for us.

@LovePoppy there may be some people that think that but the deficiency is in them and no way in you.

The requirements even once you have the child are intense, they aren't really yours to do as you wish in the same way your biological children would be. They have restrictions on where they can and can't take their child based on their biological family, they have constant visitations from social workers, they have rules on who they can introduce their child to, what they can do with them etc

The above is only true until the adoption order is granted (and not all of that is uniformly true). After that, it’s up to the parents.

Also there's no such thing as a 'perfect baby/Chiild' when it comes to adoption

Fixed that for you.

@LovePoppy
I have 3 biological children and one adopted. I also have a long-term Foster child and can honestly say that there is no difference at all in how I feel about any of them. They are all our children regardless of legal status and they are our whole world.
We feel v lucky to have them . So please don't ever think adopted children are less than or damaged goods. Our kids are the best ever and although I found the approval process v stressful in many ways it was worth it all to have them in our family.