To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

Me and DH almost split up because he wasn't sure he wanted children. I was seriously considering going it alone as a single mother and adopting a child. I have such a strong maternal instinct that I couldn't imagine life without children. I have to admit I found the prospect pretty scary. You say you can adopt a baby who hasn't been abused so doesn't have issues but actually so much damage is often done in the womb. The children up for adoption in the UK are often the children of drug/alcohol addict parents and some (maybe many)are being harmed from the moment they're conceived. I also feel that you may adopt a child who appears perfectly healthy, mentally and physically but problems arise after many years. This happened to a family member of mine. I won't go in to details but let's just say the lives of the adoptive parents are extremely stressful and miserable now. The child they adopted (seemingly perfectly "normal") is now in her 40s but they still can't live a normal life because of her. I hope I don't sound heartless. Of course these damaged kids need homes more than anyone. Thank God for the people who are willing to love them and home them. I also know exactly the same issues can arise with your own biological children. I don't feel I have the mental fortitude to raise a child with severe problems. I wish I did! My DH and I now have 2 children so I'm no longer considering adoption but it's still definitely something I would have looked in to had we split, despite my worries.

There's a lot of misinformation on here. Yes babies can and are adopted and LA's work hard to ensure that if it's obvious that a child is unlikely to be safely returned to their birth family that they're offered permanence asap. My daughter came to us at 9MO and was with a lovely foster family from a few days old. However it's very naive to assume that a child who's adopted as a baby won't have any problems. One of my biggest bugbears is people informing me that because I adopted mine at birth she won't have any issues. For a start alcohol and drug use can have a severe impact on a baby's brain. Birth mothers do not always fully disclose substance misuse and even if they do the true impact on baby may not be apparent for years. In addition to this even a newborn baby has at the very least suffered the trauma of being removed from their primal bond. I think to say all adopted children are 'damaged' is wrong and insulting but I don't think it's catastrophising at all to say that they are all traumatised. We simply don't know how this will show itself. The brain is a fascinating thing. We still don't know why some Romanian orphans, for example, emerge from their experience relatively unscathed where others are left with severe and permanent disabilities. What I think is fair to say though is that trauma WILL show itself in all adoptees whether it be in a big way or a less obvious way. It doesn't mean by any means that people shouldn't adopt but perhaps they shouldn't adopt if they aren't prepared to accept this reality...

*adopted mine as a baby not birth sorry x

Yes I work in adoption and fostering and have for several years

Nothing in my message suggests any child is unloveable. Please don't gas light.

I questioned the OP's motives to adopt with her naïve views on trauma.

Unfortunately this skim over serious consequences and issues and what a lot of other posters have said is what we see all the time.

OP Please don't ask strangers on the internet for advice . Contact your local adoption agency or local authority

My friends have adopted and we acted as "references" during the process. It was difficult and drawn out with lots of spanners thrown in the works along the way. I can completely understand why people are put off by it. There does seem to be, on occasions a hunt for problems rather than just highlighting genuine concerns. Random, detailed questions about decades old fully recovered from medical conditions was one example.

Perhaps it was just my friend's situation but even after getting approved it seemed really tough as they were lined up with a number of children who did not end up coming to them at the last minute for one reason or another beyond their control (some of which seemed to simply be down to disorganisation), which was very distressing for them.

Of course, it did work out for them in the end and their children are lovely (but do have issues related to the trauma they have experienced), but if they hadn't been so resilient or things had taken even longer it might not have.

I understand fully that we need to make sure that potential adoptive parents are up to the mark, but there were times that I felt that disorganisation and pointless second-guessing were dominating proceedings and causing undue stress.

tearsandtiaras I'm pretty shocked you work in fostering and adoption and would call someone 'stupid' for asking a question. I'm glad the professionals I worked with exercised a bit more empathy and understanding otherwise I doubt we'd have our two wonderful children now.

I find it pretty bloody insulting that you are dismissing the genuine reports of adoptive parents and adoptees as 'skimming over serious consequences'. We're living those consequences every day, but we're still able to give a balanced view.

I certainly hope you don't tell any children you work with they're 'damaged' - I honestly thought we'd moved past such inappropriate language, especially in those who should know better.

We still don't know why some Romanian orphans, for example, emerge from their experience relatively unscathed where others are left with severe and permanent disabilities

I believe we do. I went to a talk by a psychologist in a science festival who covered this. He said that these orphanages provided a 'natural' (terrible term) experiment for researchers on brain development in children. Children who were adopted in loving families after a certain age were able to recover, those below a certain age suffered permanent disabilities ( I can't remember what the age was but it was very young, maybe 6 months. And I don't know how they defined recover, it may just have meant ' not disabled' so the children may still have had emotional trauma which affected them).

Remember, these children suffered greater trauma than even most abused children in this country in that their physical needs were met but their social and emotional needs were entirely and completely neglected. And it was the extremity of their condition that provided such useful data. Terrible as it is to refer to such appalling human tragedy in that way.

@DeepaBeesKit

I think a lot of people on this thread have got flack for honesty.

I dont think it's bad to admit that part of what you love about your bio kids is your shared genetics, knowing they have grown physically from you. I know I would struggle more to bond with a child not biologically related to me - I love seeing little things about my DS and DD (both bio) that are so like DH and I or our family members, I feel a sense of understanding of certain personality traits we share etc.i suppose it's just....familiarity. For me personally it helps that my bond with DS and DD has been easy from day 1, they are totally secure with me. I know that's not true of everyone but it's just how it works for me.

Nothing but respect for adopters but I don't think I would be suited.

I dunno. I feel tremendous guilt at the aspects of me that have made my life harder, that I see one of my kids has inherited. And I am terrified that my youngest my inherit some traits of his father (which the eldest appears to have escaped).

@Quietstreets

I was doing some reading about those children late last year and came across this:

www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/07/can-an-unloved-child-learn-to-love/612253/

Really interesting article about one particular young man and his adoptive family.

Having a birth child who has SEN, I would say even if you are well equipped for all the theraputic parenting and love and support for the child - if you have a child with SEND (fairly likely for adoptive children) dealing with bureaucracy of things like tackling schools with poor SEN budgets, getting an EHCP plan for the right education, or even applying to DLA to help with extra costs/care needs. That's what would break me. These are things you might not consider but they are effectively an unpaid p time job which can be stressful.

From my experience of people who have adopted

1. Generally only older children and sibling groups available for adoption

1. Behavioural problems which in some cases has led to divorce

1. Continued involvement with birth family who are often troubled and resentful

1. Birth families getting in touch with older kids via social media often with distorted stories, in one case led to child going none contact with adoptive family

1. Most people want to continue their genetic line

So much work is done in the first few months of life. I read the other day that in the period of the first few months of life, before babies understand that they are a separate person from you, when you look at them in that blissful hormone induced way they do not experience that as "mum loves me/I love mum" but as "I am lovable". They also at this age react differently to a stranger vs somebody that they recognise. That whole face beam that a very young baby will do to the people who are close to them is again reinforcing that they are a person worthy of love. It's huge.

It builds those bonds of attachment in the brain and babies who do not experience love in those first few months are damaged by that.

Also a lesser damage but still trauma is being moved from a foster family to an adoptive family. As long as the foster family have done all the cuddles and loving care then those important building blocks are there and the baby can recover from that trauma but it will still exist.

@BertieBotts

So much work is done in the first few months of life. I read the other day that in the period of the first few months of life, before babies understand that they are a separate person from you, when you look at them in that blissful hormone induced way they do not experience that as "mum loves me/I love mum" but as "I am lovable". They also at this age react differently to a stranger vs somebody that they recognise. That whole face beam that a very young baby will do to the people who are close to them is again reinforcing that they are a person worthy of love. It's huge.

It builds those bonds of attachment in the brain and babies who do not experience love in those first few months are damaged by that.

Also a lesser damage but still trauma is being moved from a foster family to an adoptive family. As long as the foster family have done all the cuddles and loving care then those important building blocks are there and the baby can recover from that trauma but it will still exist.

This is true, but I think it's important to point out that many parents that have children that are later removed from them do actually love their babies and may have experienced this. Like people say love is not enough for a baby or child to flourish, neither is love enough to sometimes keep your child safe. For many children they may well have been very loved but the complexities of taking children into care are huge and very varied.

Thanks for your posts. I don't think it's for me. Thanks for your replies.

A childless life I think is preferable to some of the stories on this thread.

Thank you.

Sorry I did name change. But it's still me.

Of course. Whatever the situation a child ends up in care it's a very sad one :( I have no doubt that parents who love their children sometimes unfortunately can't look after them.

@BertieBotts

Of course. Whatever the situation a child ends up in care it's a very sad one :( I have no doubt that parents who love their children sometimes unfortunately can't look after them.

Yes, I think it was a knee jerk reaction to the possibility of not being able to have children. DH also would love to adopt Al age has and genuinely doesn't care about biological children so I've probably been a little swayed by him.

I think I'll just settle for childless, and maybe rethink.

The only thing I would add is that when you are still at the thinking stage, its very hard to envisage what life will be like with a hypothetical child.
When you do bring a child home, you build a life together, build a relationship, they are your child. And you would move Heaven and Earth for them, just as you would if they had been born to you.

I haven’t read every message here but I just came on to tell you it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I’ve read some of the messages and the “damaged” comments are all offensive!!!!!

I’ve adopted one child and need to send of the application to adopt our second (they are living with us currently).

First child was a wonder child, easy as anything, glorious from day one. Currently struggling to sleep at night so am doing (probably the wrong thing) but am currently on a mattress in their room…

Second child, tiny bit older when adopted, biologically related to first, much more difficult but becoming more wonderful every day and I can’t help but love her inspite of everything.

Obviously I am early on in life (they are 5 and 1.5) so I can’t say what the future holds. All I know is these are my children and I love them more than anything in the world.

They may have difficult teen years - but in a biological family where I was loved so much, I ended up needing a lot of input by mental health workers to become a functioning adult. Many people have difficult teen years.

I appreciate there are adopters out there who are at their wits end with what to do with their children because it’s so insanely hard and I don’t want to diminish those stories. But equally every adopter I’ve ever spoken to talks with such love for their children and they inspired me to adopt.

It’s okay to want to biologically reproduce - two men can’t which is why I’ve adopted - and it is the thing I am most proud of and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

@Ted27

The only thing I would add is that when you are still at the thinking stage, its very hard to envisage what life will be like with a hypothetical child. When you do bring a child home, you build a life together, build a relationship, they are your child. And you would move Heaven and Earth for them, just as you would if they had been born to you.

This too - I like the moving heaven and earth bit.

I was adopted at 6 weeks old with absolutely no traumatic background (my birth mum was just 15 and made the decision she was too young fair enough) and I still feel I have some traits others don't because of it which I keep hidden and aren't obvious at all. So if I do imagine the children who have come from terrible circumstances...

@Notmenotme

I haven’t read every message here but I just came on to tell you it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I’ve read some of the messages and the “damaged” comments are all offensive!!!!!

I’ve adopted one child and need to send of the application to adopt our second (they are living with us currently).

First child was a wonder child, easy as anything, glorious from day one. Currently struggling to sleep at night so am doing (probably the wrong thing) but am currently on a mattress in their room…

Second child, tiny bit older when adopted, biologically related to first, much more difficult but becoming more wonderful every day and I can’t help but love her inspite of everything.

Obviously I am early on in life (they are 5 and 1.5) so I can’t say what the future holds. All I know is these are my children and I love them more than anything in the world.

They may have difficult teen years - but in a biological family where I was loved so much, I ended up needing a lot of input by mental health workers to become a functioning adult. Many people have difficult teen years.

I appreciate there are adopters out there who are at their wits end with what to do with their children because it’s so insanely hard and I don’t want to diminish those stories. But equally every adopter I’ve ever spoken to talks with such love for their children and they inspired me to adopt.

It’s okay to want to biologically reproduce - two men can’t which is why I’ve adopted - and it is the thing I am most proud of and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Gee you sound lovely, so happy for your children that they have so much love in their lives.

Don't worry about "doing it wrong", we all do! 😂

I'm an adoptive mum to 2 DDs (now 12 and 9) who are birth siblings. They both came to us at 1 year old after a year in foster care. Neither of them ever lived with their birth families.

Despite this, DD1 has serious attachment issues as well as other SEN resulting from a head injury whilst in foster care, which resultedin hearing and sight loss. She's always been behaviourally challenging, though she masks at school.

DD2 doesn't have these issues, despite having a very similar start in life. I suspect this has a lot to do with having had a far more positive experience in foster care. She was very distressed when she came to us, but the result is that she bonded with us in a way that DD1 didn't.

It's been very tough at times, especially the last 2 years as I've been suffering from Long Covid. My DH had to go off sick for 2 months a year ago because of stress and burn out. But we're still very much a family.

I would adopt someone older and I've given fostering a lot of thought too. But I have a 3 year old boy and have to consider how it would impact on him. I would think it was best to wait until he was a little older but when I'm not sure.

I think it's a little sad to read how materialistic adoption choices are. It is kind of shallow to pick and choose what you prefer. Because adoption is essentially about giving a the poor abandoned kid a loving home.

As for 'what the trauma might lead to' parents who wish to adopt have to accept that they have a role to play in supporting that child in a way that can reduce the likelihood of problems in adulthood or make it worse when they drop em like a hot brick.

It's a good thing that the adoption process is as rigorous as it is, because it's about trying to get it right for the child, to prevent the adoptive parents also giving up on them.

When I had my youngest dc the HV told me she had just come back from adoption leave. I congratulated her on her new child and asked her how she was finding parenting. "Oh it's been really terrible, he's from Thailand and couldn't speak any English or eat with a knife and fork when he arrived" I wasn't shocked when shesaid they had tried to be approved to adopt within the UK and were turned down for 12 years.

A family in my church when I was growing up had 2 bio dc but long term fostered very high needs dc. They were removed very early (the youngest one was 2 days old) but when on to develop very severe developmental delays and 2 got schizophrenia. They were all from the same household where both birth parents were drug users.

@youtown

Thanks for your posts. I don't think it's for me. Thanks for your replies.

A childless life I think is preferable to some of the stories on this thread.

Thank you.

I'm really sorry that this has been the result of this thread. Perhaps something that I haven't made clear in my own posts is that I have absolutely no regrets about adopting my 3YO. She's an utter delight. Smart, loving and hilarious. Not a day goes by that she doesn't amaze me. I have no idea what the future holds but as long as it's with this wonderful child of mine I know it's going to be bright xx