To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

@Rubyyyy
You don't have to own your own home. And previous issues will not automatically rule you out and could even be a positive if you have learnt ways to cope with and have experienced things that children in care might well have to deal with themselves. There is nothing to stop you asking the question of a local authority or agency.

Babies normally go to fostering before adoption. I thought about adopting after struggling ttc.

The process is invasive, they contact ex partners, your family, your medical and finance records. However I know people who have and they struggled. Child smashes up the house, broken relationship with partner as a result, all pop so social services putting huge pressure on to adopt siblings that come along.

This thread is awful, and filled with nonsense about the process etc. I have to put in to counter all the negative anecdotes here, that ive found the process excellent, the social work team really really good and kind and efficient and supportive although clearly overworked , and my DD is perfect. I think people have clearly very different ideas of a perfect child and Im glad the process would never allow someone with some of these concepts to adopt. Its all a difficult system but I cant see why anyone would think adoption would be easy.

What @BendingSpoons said.

A family member of mine adopted a young child, it took a really long time for everything to go though and the child had some serious health issues that unfortunately after a lot of trying they just couldn't cope with. I dont know the exact details as to be honest she and her husband (adopted as a child himself) were so heartbroken and I didn't want to pry.

I have a friend who cannot conceive who works in the police, she said she wouldn't consider it because of what she's seen via her job which I think is an awful shame for these kids.

It's definitely a joy for some, but not without hardship too.

Can I suggest that if you are interested in adoption that you both go to information events and speak to adopters for a real view of what life is like.

Please don’t go with friend of friend experience or hearsay. I have found this post really interesting as I would encourage any conversation on this topic but I am amazed at the posts that are worded as fact when it is not true or balanced.

Our experience of adoption has been great, not easy but still great. We have more challenges to come we have no doubt.

We found the process to get approved almost enjoyable. We learned a lot about ourselves, our priorities and why we work well as a unit. We did not find it invasive at all and tried to be completely open, it is after all about what is best for the child/children.

Friends of ours who were on the same track of adoption have had different experiences, ranging from everything being great, longer times to be matched or challenges with placement. The point being is no 2 adoptions are the same.

We love our child as much as we love our older birth child. Yes we work hard on making sure our child is aware of their background, we talk openly about their birth parents, share photos and letters and have made it clear that we will support them all the way when they are ready to do meet them. Our role is to give them love, safety and hopefully give them the best possible way of becoming an awesome adult. That is no different to what we do for our birth child.

In summary, please don’t get your facts from the tabloids, the horror stories in the news or people with no direct experience. Becoming an adopter is about doing your homework both before, during and after. Being honest with yourselves over what you are wanting and then accepting at any time up to approval you can decide it’s not for you.

I love both my children with everything I am and have and will fight, and have fought, for them every step of the way. I hope they grow up they continue to feel that way about me, their dad

If anyone is serious about taking the next step, then I am sure that those adopters posting, including myself, are open to them sending a private message

I think if you adopt you need to be willing to adopt almost any kid irrelevant of age, sex and origins.

And I think this is a completely ridiculous remark -- the adoption process rightly requires you to think very hard about things like whether you feel able to adopt children with various levels of physical or intellectual disability, life-limiting conditions etc, and asks you explicitly to say yes or no to potentially adopting a child with these conditions. This is completely necessary to be able to find the most suitable possible parents for these children, and putative adoptive parents going through the process need to be (and are encouraged to be) absolutely honest with themselves about what they think they can and cannot cope with.

@stilltiredinthemorning

YetAnotherProcrastinator Hell yes to the TV stuff! I really like crime drama (TV and books) but honestly it's so ridiculous how many times the murderer/rapist etc. turns out to be care experienced! I try not to get upset about it now and figure the writers just really need to get a better imagination (me and my husband play 'adoption crime bingo' when watching TV dramas series and if I've been watching something he hasn't he'll say, don't tell me.... the adopted kid did it?

It makes me sad that this is the depiction my children will grow up seeing. Just once I'd love to see a programme/read a book where there's some children who are looked after or adopted and it turns out to be a bit of irrelevant character background, like they enjoy eating pizza or their first car was a red mini. It always has to be a 'thing'

We do and say the same when we watch TV! Once you see it you can't unsee it. It's very lazy writing imo and adoption or care experience is used in place of an actual explained and explored motivation. It's funny because people would rightly be cross if TV show after TV show portrayed LGBT people, Jewish people, black people, Irish people etc as messed up murderers. But with adoptees it's OK for them to be almost universally negatively portrayed?!

[quote Jellycatspyjamas]@YetAnotherProcrastinator I hear you, after we adopted I realised how many Disney movies feature kids who have been adopted or are care experienced too - sitting with my newly placed children. In some ways it’s given space to talk about different families and what makes a family but it was hard for them to see their lives portrayed as less than ideal. We’ve not got to the “adopted serial killer” stage yet but I’m very aware of it.

My two were older in adoption terms and are the most fantastic, happy, smart kids - I push back hard against the idea that they are “damaged” by their experiences. Yes they are impacted by their past, but aren’t we all? They are resilient and have coped with so much with more grace than many adults I know. They both see adoption as something positive in their lives and are good kids.[/quote]
I like the use of "impacted" rather than "damaged". That is how I would describe its effect on me - just as I've been impacted by many other things non-care or adoption related too.

And some of that impact is actually really positive!

Separate point - I'm thinking about real-life conversations I've been witness to now, but I do dislike my supposed plight as a child being used to make people suffering fertility issues feel bad. I doubt that anyone suffering the awful thing that is unwanted infertility has actually not heard of adoption, and it is not their responsibility to solve the problem 9f children in care. They're not doing anything wrong by choosing not go down that route.

The best thing anyone can do to help children in care and and potential adoptees is not to guilt people into adoption, but campaign for better funding and support for foster carers, adoptive families, care leavers, kinship carers, and those in residential homes and with struggling birth families - and all who work with them.

While you are helping adopted children, try a bit of compassion when they end up in your child's class at school too. They don't have to be best buddies, but a bit of inclusion wouldn't go amiss. Mine were well behaved and 'a pleasure to teach' but because they presented a bit younger and 'quirky' were often left out or suffered a drip drip of negative comments.

@AnonymousAdopter

While you are helping adopted children, try a bit of compassion when they end up in your child's class at school too. They don't have to be best buddies, but a bit of inclusion wouldn't go amiss. Mine were well behaved and 'a pleasure to teach' but because they presented a bit younger and 'quirky' were often left out or suffered a drip drip of negative comments.

I think that's fair. I know when he was younger, I had to have a couple of talks with my five/six year old DS about a child in his class who he experienced as disruptive and rather frightening, but who was also an adopted child with significant additional needs.

@AnonymousAdopter

While you are helping adopted children, try a bit of compassion when they end up in your child's class at school too. They don't have to be best buddies, but a bit of inclusion wouldn't go amiss. Mine were well behaved and 'a pleasure to teach' but because they presented a bit younger and 'quirky' were often left out or suffered a drip drip of negative comments.

thats unfortunately any kid with additional needs. Made to feel that theyre just not great people

Branleuse I know.
Some (not most or all, but a significant minority) parents on MN are all for kindness and inclusion. Until it comes to inviting anyone other than 15 'close friends' to a party, or a play date, or even a game at break, or working with in the classroom. Then it turns into 'my child should be allowed to interact with whoever they want' or 'my child will be ostracized if they invite Z'.

I think part of the problem is that the quality of the adoption process is such a postcode lottery. Dsis had nothing but good things to say about the social care team. The process itself was as expected, the professionals involved were excellent. But her support from the LA disappeared as soon as she adopted her sons. Communication with the local authority was terrible, she faced continual chasing, she was left to her own devices fighting their corner medically, educationally and for the support they all, as a family, needed. I don't think this experience is uncommon.

What do you mean a small baby eradicates some of the trauma risk of an older child?

If the baby is removed at birth in which case its highly likely to have been conceived / grown to a drug addict mother ( which has long term consequences to a babies development) - check out fetal alcohol syndrome.

Otherwise the baby will have been removed throughout the formative first months of its life- having potentially suffered lack of food, sleep , warmth, cuddles, and potentially been subject to violence perpetrated upon them both physically and or sexually.

You are naive and stupid to think that just because a baby is a baby there is not long term trauma and reduction in development and meeting milestones.

Babies that are given up for adoption by parents that make that decision themselves are more often than not adopted via special guardianship by a kinship carer associated with the family.

Yes there are exceptions.

Do some proper research- not television programmes- ring adoption agencies or your local authority.

I wouldn't have a clue who in our dc's schools are adopted. Unless stated by the parents, nobody would know.

But in relation to additional needs, adopted or not, you definitely have a point. I am always having these kinds of conversations with 11yo ds around inclusivity and understanding. One of his best friends is autistic and he's got into arguments with other kids defending him from them. He always includes him in his plans, but always understands on the days his friend just wants to play alone. He keeps an eye out for him and notices when he's struggling.

5yo dd is neuro diverse. I am already seeing her being put into the 'naughty' box and we, as parents, put into the 'bad parenting' box. It's so sad. She has so much to offer, she's utterly brilliant.

Sorry that last point was in response to @AnonymousAdopter. Quote failure.

My earlier response at 12.12 was to @scully29

For all those saying ‘babies aren’t available for adoption’ in my experience this simply isn’t true. Whilst there may be more older children looking to be matched there are also (sadly) many babies removed at birth/very early on.

@tearsandtiaras your tone is pretty judgemental and implies that children who have experienced those things are somehow broken and not worthy of loving parents. I have an adopted child who has experienced some of the things you mentioned. It doesn’t make him awful to parent infact in someways he is easier than my birth child.
How you are speaking to OP really isn’t okay. Do you have direct experience of adoption?

Moonopoly I couldn't agree more. @tearsandtiaras have you actually read any of this thread at all?? If not I'll summarise:

Step 1:OP asks why more people don't adopt
Step 2: A bunch of people jump on to say (as if it's fact) that the assessment process is basically inhumane, there are never any babies available for adoption, adopted children are 'damaged' or 'broken'. The OP is, at best, naive.
Step 3. A bunch of actual adopters, adoptees and relevant professionals jump on to say that much of the information that has been presented as fact, is actually innaccurate, over-blown and in some cases deeply offensive
Step 4. A bunch of people jump on to say (as if it's fact) that the assessment process is basically inhumane, there are never any babies available for adoption, adopted children are 'damaged' or 'broken'. and the OP is, at best, naive.

Arrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!

@Whatafustercluck

I wouldn't have a clue who in our dc's schools are adopted. Unless stated by the parents, nobody would know.

But in relation to additional needs, adopted or not, you definitely have a point. I am always having these kinds of conversations with 11yo ds around inclusivity and understanding. One of his best friends is autistic and he's got into arguments with other kids defending him from them. He always includes him in his plans, but always understands on the days his friend just wants to play alone. He keeps an eye out for him and notices when he's struggling.

5yo dd is neuro diverse. I am already seeing her being put into the 'naughty' box and we, as parents, put into the 'bad parenting' box. It's so sad. She has so much to offer, she's utterly brilliant.

A really good point. I know of two adopted children in my DS's school because of shared experience of the school's woeful sen provision.

There may well be lots of other adopted children there that I wouldn't know about because, well, why would I? Its my skewed view because I have only had contact with parents of the children who have additional needs and not the ones who don't.

That's given me food for thought. Thank you. Sometimes MN is balanced and helpful after all.

@stilltiredinthemorning

perfect summary - and unfortunately the way all these threads go

I wish people would post these on the Adoption board, they would still get a range of experiences from adopters.

@Thunderbolte - since you and your husband are both so intelligent and beautiful you must know about "going to the mean" means.

@AnonymousAdopter Really appreciate your context as an adopter. I was just sharing the experience I recently went through with friends in response to the question of why more people don't adopt. They did adopt small babies, perhaps that's why they were FTA. I completely agree that all background screening is necessary, I was just sharing what that entailed for my friends.

I think a lot of people on this thread have got flack for honesty.

I dont think it's bad to admit that part of what you love about your bio kids is your shared genetics, knowing they have grown physically from you. I know I would struggle more to bond with a child not biologically related to me - I love seeing little things about my DS and DD (both bio) that are so like DH and I or our family members, I feel a sense of understanding of certain personality traits we share etc.i suppose it's just....familiarity. For me personally it helps that my bond with DS and DD has been easy from day 1, they are totally secure with me. I know that's not true of everyone but it's just how it works for me.

Nothing but respect for adopters but I don't think I would be suited.

Our closest friends adopted two siblings one as a small baby, the other way two. Our friends are wonderful parents, always reading up and going on course to make sure they have the skills to parents their children well, but nevertheless both girls have an attachment disorder which is hard for the whole family.

The bond a child has with its biological mother cannot be underestimated and to lose that - even if the biological mother is abusive - is a life long open wound for a lot of adoptees, no matter how engaged and loving the adoptive parents are.

OP search #adopteevoices on Twitter if you really want to educate yourself.

The bond a child has with its biological mother cannot be underestimated and to lose that - even if the biological mother is abusive - is a life long open wound for a lot of adoptees, no matter how engaged and loving the adoptive parents are

And that bond is formed very early on, well before a child can remember or communicate. People on here talk about adopting babies of 8 or 15m etc as if that means they are too young to have such bonds.... no! Those bonds are there in tiny, tiny babies. It's why prem babies (like mine) are often calmest when held skin to skin against their mother - on a basic level her heartbeat is something they recognise. It's an innate thing.