To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

@NormaSwilly, that’s lovely that your aunt and uncle have had such a positive influence on the grandchildren’s lives; it’s brilliant when the generational cycle of neglect and abuse can be broken. I hope those children can have happy and fulfilled lives, whatever they may be.

It’s so interesting the contrast you draw between both sets of fostered young people - and the outcomes they had. Hats off to brilliant foster carers everywhere.

Haven't read the whole thread. Previously have thought about adopting myself but seen what a family member has gone through to adopt and now think I probably won't ever do it.

The process took them nearly 3 years, huge amounts of time had to be taken off work, lots of social involvement and being made to feel 'not good enough', lots of meetings and courses. Then after 2.5 years and being almost there, the little boys bio mother decided she actually wanted him, so they had to go to court.

Now 2 years on he's really made their family whole and I don't think they'd change a thing, but it was an absolutely brutal process and had a huge effect on their family.

@SmaugMum

I can’t quote your reply to me, but I did want to apologise. My use of language was ill thought through. The point I was trying to make (badly) was that you weren’t open to hearing any perspectives other than your own, on reflection I can hear that this is likely impacted by your current situation being particularly tough.

I still believe that language should be challenged for the sake of our kids, when people use those terms (I won’t repeat them again) I, and all the adoptive families I know (adults and kids) find it demeaning and disrespectful. I also want a more balanced picture of adoption to be heard, that in spite of the stresses it’s an amazing thing and outcomes can be really positive.

But I genuinely do apologise, I let my emotions get the better of me and should have just stepped away.

@ineedsun, thank you and that’s incredibly big of you - and reflective of you, you see, you’ve been taking on board all that therapeutic/repairing relationships stuff we’ve all been taught in our theory sessions - and it works.

Look, I’m the most passionate adopter I can possibly be but even though we’re all in the same tribe, we may be more or less evolved in our journeys, and we don’t always sing from the same hymn-sheet. The point I was trying to make is that I do notice stuff and I’m not oblivious to the silly comments but, perhaps stupidly, I like to think that most people operate from a place of misguided ignorance and simply need gentle correction and education. These days, I reserve my ire for the (very many) professionals who really SHOULD know better.

Anyway, once again, thank you, very magnanimous of you; it’s no doubt why you make a great adoptive parent!

Because it is really fucking hard.

To meet the threshold of criteria
To get through the process
To survive matching process
To handle a traumatised child
To deal with unexpected issues as they grow.

I'm in the adoption process and I still understand when people say they couldn't or it isn't for them.

TTC and the pain that came with that has a breeze for me compared to the adoption matching process.

@EishetChayil

most babies abandoned at birth won’t suffer much trauma

Newborns suffer huge trauma being separated from their mother.

Much doesn’t mean no trauma. Not much trauma is STILL trauma. But separation at birth followed by quick placement into a loving family can be equivalent to not much trauma when you know orphanages and the foster care system is filled with kids who have all been separated from their mom/dad who in most cases they likely learned to know and love and was likely the source of their (potential years of) abuse and neglect etc... and then probably spend years in a system that also often abuse and neglect them before being adopted or (more commonly) never being adopted. The trauma simply isn’t comparable. In both cases it’s trauma but healthy babies who get adopted quickly simply have a completely different path and shot at adoption over older/less healthy kids with more traumatic stories.

My belief is that people who can only cope with a child with no visible/known trauma are probably not good candidates for adoption. All kids in the adoption process have trauma and while not everyone is equipped to deal with a child with multiple health issues and massive trauma responses. Being able to cope with trauma in general should be one of the pre-requisites of being an adopting parents and one own standards when wanting to adopt, so when I hear people say “I know an adopted child probably have trauma but I want to adopt a baby anyway so it should be okay/limited” it’s a massive red flag. It’s nice to want to adopt but all kids have trauma wether it’s a lot or not as much and I think the expectations when adopting should be to receive a kid with quite a bit of trauma and being both emotionally and physically ready to deal and navigate it so as to help the child overcome it as best as one can rather than adopting to help a child in need and then purposefully picking the child that’s assume to not have much needs (in that area).

@Kenwouldmixitup

And given that children who are adopted have typically experienced extreme trauma, in vitro included, there is the sum total of fuck all support for families (do you sense my frustration). I think the Government exploits adoptive parents in this respect. You are better to foster and so have to access to funding and support.

Sorry but what on earth is extreme trauma in vitro? Something going wrong in the IVF process and they give the baby up for adoption? Really can't tell what is meant here. It can't be that typical, surely?!

Haven't rtfr so sorry if I repeat points others have made.

I've looked into adoption and attended adoption prep groups. I went into it thinking the same as you - I wanted a baby / small child and in my mind the bonus of my desired age would be it would help negate some of the concerns I had about adopting an older child who remembers more of their earlier years and could result in them displaying more challenging behavioural issues.

I was incredibly naive.

Yes, babies may not remember their trauma, but trauma for these kids typically don't begin at birth. Their prenatal experience is enough to impact their mental and physical development for the rest of their lives. Plus you don't know the full extent of what additional support needs a baby will have until they are often much older. Whereas adopting an older child you atleast go into it with more information and are better prepared to meet the needs of that child which is a massive help in facilitating a successful adoption.

Adoption is a wonderful thing, but it's not for everyone. You need to be prepared to deal with a child who knows they are not biologically yours and dealing with the emotional roller coaster associated with that. Identity is a main factor for developing your personality and your understanding of the world and attachments you make so being adopted really affects that for kids and its such a hard process as an adoptive parent to work through with them.

I would recommend anyone interested to speak to your local authority's family department and attend a preparation group. They are incredible and a wealth of information and will give you a solid idea of if its for you or not.

@LanaDelBoy

its not really that difficult to work out that the poster probably means in utero

A very close friend has two bio and two adopted and even watching them go through the process was hard. Over a year of screenings, training, interviews and assessments that were very costly. I was interviewed, as were their family, many close friends, neighbours, their other (very small!) children... Their home, jobs, financial records and histories were closely scrutinised -- necessarily, but still stressful.

Very few kids are directly put up for adoption, unless through a private agency, so many have to go through foster to adopt. That's generally two to three years of loving and raising a child you want to keep, with a large cloud of anticipation of whether or not they'll end up being sent back to their bio parent/s hanging over you. Their DD was born addicted and they had to help her with that while waiting to see if they could keep her.

Their children are not all the same race and that was also something the social workers had to assess and something my friend and her DH have to be mindful of every day as white parents raising two white children and two black children. They are an extraordinarily wonderful family but it is very, very hard at times.

@Ovenaffray

Because many adopted kids come with significant issues and I don’t have the mental capacity or personality to deal with that. One of my own has mild issues and one has a disability and that was hard enough.

I selfishly also wanted my own biological children.

its not selfish to want your own children. Literally the point of our lives is to reproduce. That feeling and yearning is very strong

Just to echo some of the positive experiences:

The process can be long and sometimes frustrating because of the admin. However, each step of the way, we were kept informed about what was happening and why.

People say the process can be brutal - I think it felt like that at the time, but I don't give it a second thought now.

The training prepares you for possible difficulties. You can withdraw at any time. If you have questions or worries about anything then you can ask them. The pace can be slowed if it needs to be.

We were supported by social services and BAAF every step of the way. No question was ever ignored.

It feels long while you're in it... But so does conception for some people. So can physical pregnancy.

You become a parent way before you adopt - the day you realise it's not about your needs, and is only really about the child's. That's when you're ready.

I have two adopted children. The first was 12 weeks when he got his adoption order and 16 weeks old when he came home. No physical health needs. No additional trauma (unrelated to attachment/removal at birth)

Prior to adopting him, we went through the home visit and training process for around 2.5 years (I think it was 2 years to approval panel from first enquiry)

When he was 18 months old (so had been home with us for around a year) birth mum had another baby. We had been made aware of this around 6 weeks previously. Baby was removed from birth mum around a week after birth, and she came to live with us after 2 weeks in Foster care. The adoption process this time was very straightforward and we adopted our daughter fully, with the adoption order completed before she was a year old.

My DC are 14 and 12 now and we are extremely happy.

They have older siblings who were placed in other families, and we see them regularly, even now the oldest are late teens. My DS and his older brother are especially close and we've even had his brother over for sleepovers.

I have no biological children of my own, so I don't have a direct comparison, but we don't seem to have had any difficulties beyond what most families experience.

I love them fiercely. They are my everything.

They both weirdly look like me (more like me than DH) in that they have the same eye colour and same hair colour. Their mannerisms and affectations they have inherited from us.

They're both quite proud of being adopted and talk to their friends about it sometimes.

It's not true to say there are "no babies" in the system. Through my experiences, I also occasionally sit on an adoption panel (in the role of adopter) and babies are fairly routinely adopted, many without additional health complications.

It IS and can be a difficult process, but that is to prepare parents and to make sure that the fit is the right fit. The social worker has to be confident and be able to vouch for you as a parent, and so they need time to get to know you and be sure.

I was a bit overweight when we adopted and neither DH nor I are big earners. We do have a three bedroomed house, which helped, but it was much more about suitability for a growing family than a blanket "you need a massive house with a garden"

We also have a good support network and we were able to access some decent local services, so that was also useful.

Everyone will have a story or an opinion, but the truth is, the training will both prepare you and will answer any doubts. On our training course, 6 out of the 11 couples dropped out because it started to feel wrong for them. For the rest of us... It just went right.

The best, hands down BEST thing we ever did by a trillion miles.

If I couldn’t have had my own children then I wouldn’t have had any. I could never adopt for the simple reason that I wouldn’t love a child that wasn’t biologically mine. Well certainly not love it as much as a parent should. I have friends who were adopted as babies. They were born in the 1960’s and 70’s and were given up because of the mothers being unmarried. They had loving adoptive parents but they’ve all had psychological problems. Maybe it’s just the type of people they are but they’ve never gotten over the fact that they were given away or as they put it “were not wanted”. Of course this may not have been the case at all but it seems to be how they ultimately see it

This is a difficult read as someone who was adopted when older from care. Reminds me of how a generalised idea of me being difficult or trouble would precede me whenever I moved, in spite of me causing no trouble at all. A lot of adoptive families do have challenges, I'm not denying that. But equally it is hard to live under the weight of low expectations. You turn on the TV and every murderer is adopted or care-experienced; you go to work and hear about "those" type of children; and you go on mumsnet and you hear about how damaged you are and how few people would go near with you with a barge pole. It reminds me of why I do not tell most people that I am adopted and care-experienced, at least until they know me as me - a fairly boring, normal, approaching middle aged professional. Not good looking, no , but definitely out-performing all of my adoptive family in that respect, and academically too

I think more people don't consider it for all the reasons above. I think it's quite natural for people to want to have biological children. And there's nothing wrong with that. Far worse than more people considering adoption would be those for whom adoption isn't the right route adopting. Not fair on the child! People who would make excellent biological parents may not always make the best adoptive parents, and there's nothing wrong with that.

I’m sorry for your experience @YetAnotherProcrastinator and think this…

People who would make excellent biological parents may not always make the best adoptive parents, and there's nothing wrong with that

Completely hits the nail on the head.

YetAnotherProcrastinator Hell yes to the TV stuff! I really like crime drama (TV and books) but honestly it's so ridiculous how many times the murderer/rapist etc. turns out to be care experienced! I try not to get upset about it now and figure the writers just really need to get a better imagination (me and my husband play 'adoption crime bingo' when watching TV dramas series and if I've been watching something he hasn't he'll say, don't tell me.... the adopted kid did it?

It makes me sad that this is the depiction my children will grow up seeing. Just once I'd love to see a programme/read a book where there's some children who are looked after or adopted and it turns out to be a bit of irrelevant character background, like they enjoy eating pizza or their first car was a red mini. It always has to be a 'thing'

Incorrigible

*A very close friend has two bio and two adopted and even watching them go through the process was hard. Over a year of screenings, training, interviews and assessments that were very costly.

If adopting within this country there are next to no costs though you do need time off for training and SW visits. We didn't even have to pay for our medicals, or for the solicitor needed when the birth parents wanted to contest when we applied to court, though I know that isn't always the case. We had mileage expenses paid for introductions, and a 'settling in' allowance.

I was interviewed, as were their family, many close friends, neighbours, their other (very small!) children...

That seems like an unusual amount of interviews. They don't normally have the time or inclination to interview neighbours. Of course they will talk to existing children to check their understanding. Normally there needs to be at least a 2 year age gap, though more is often recommended.

Their home, jobs, financial records and histories were closely scrutinised -- necessarily, but still stressful.

Absolutely necessary. They don't want to find out there was DV in a previous relationship for example, or that they have a mountain of hidden debt.

Very few kids are directly put up for adoption, unless through a private agency, so many have to go through foster to adopt. That's generally two to three years of loving and raising a child you want to keep, with a large cloud of anticipation of whether or not they'll end up being sent back to their bio parent/s hanging over you. Their DD was born addicted and they had to help her with that while waiting to see if they could keep her.

The FtA statement is untrue. Most children are directly placed for adoption. You can generally apply to court to fomally adopt after about 4 months if you wish, though it can be better to wait as support is better pre-finalisation. Foster to adopt is used most often for very young babies to minimise the chance of another move.

@YetAnotherProcrastinator I hear you, after we adopted I realised how many Disney movies feature kids who have been adopted or are care experienced too - sitting with my newly placed children. In some ways it’s given space to talk about different families and what makes a family but it was hard for them to see their lives portrayed as less than ideal. We’ve not got to the “adopted serial killer” stage yet but I’m very aware of it.

My two were older in adoption terms and are the most fantastic, happy, smart kids - I push back hard against the idea that they are “damaged” by their experiences. Yes they are impacted by their past, but aren’t we all? They are resilient and have coped with so much with more grace than many adults I know. They both see adoption as something positive in their lives and are good kids.

Very few kids are directly put up for adoption, unless through a private agency, so many have to go through foster to adopt. That's generally two to three years of loving and raising a child you want to keep, with a large cloud of anticipation of whether or not they'll end up being sent back to their bio parent/s hanging over you.

Very few kids are taken into care with a view to adoption or permanence, most are placed with foster carers while it’s determined whether they can return to their birth family. If permanence is the plan for the child adopters will be sought for them and by that point it’s vanishingly rare for children to be returned to birth families. By the time the child is placed with adoptive parents it’s very clear that they won’t be returned. While their legal status remains looked after until the adoption is finalised in court, there’s no expectation that the child will return to their birth family but the legal process can take a while.

I think people are falling over themselves to condemn the OP for being 'naive' or having a saviour complex and in doing so are making some pretty sweeping generalisations (as well as saying some things that are just plain wrong and in some case pretty stupid and offensive).

The reality is, having birth children is probably easier and almost certainly different to adopting and that's probably why people do it. Fertility treatments get better by the day and honestly why would you choose to do something hard, when there is a seemingly easier, more socially accepted, more 'normal' way of doing it?

Like most people we adopted because we wanted children and the biological route wasn't working out for us. Unlike some, it didn't take a lot of soul searching on our behalf, we felt confident we could love a child/children that were not biologically related to us (and honestly that has NEVER been a problem) and we were much keener on adoption than IVF, so never even explored that route.

We wanted a 'normal family' and a straightforward, 'easy' life. Don't most people?

Was that what we got? No, it wasn't. Is it hard? Yes it is. I'm not a 'saint', I'm not a 'saviour' I'm just a bog standard person, but what I've learnt is that I can do hard things. I don't have that need to be the same as everyone else, that I've carried all my life, and it's such a relief to let it go.

[quote Ted27]@LanaDelBoy

its not really that difficult to work out that the poster probably means in utero[/quote]
But that's the direct opposite.
I wouldn't assume someone means the opposite of what they wrote without asking, hence I was asking - in case I'd not understood something!

@maddiemookins16mum

Because they make it so very hard with no guarantees at the end. A colleague of mine was turned down as she was an EX smoker!

1- this is what they told you. If, say, were turned down bc they suffered trauma as a child and the sw wasn’t convinced they could parent through this under extreme stress, they are v unlikely to tell you, or other ‘colleagues’. Imagine the feeling of rejection. But they need to say something, right? 2- a sw may officially reject for any number of practical ‘neutral’ reasons, but the actual reason may be far to complex, and too sensitive to go into. It’s just not worth it to a sw to spend time explaining that they don’t trust you or oh for lots of little reasons that added up means they are unwilling to risk putting a very vulnerable child in your care.

@YetAnotherProcrastinator

This is a difficult read as someone who was adopted when older from care. Reminds me of how a generalised idea of me being difficult or trouble would precede me whenever I moved, in spite of me causing no trouble at all. A lot of adoptive families do have challenges, I'm not denying that. But equally it is hard to live under the weight of low expectations. You turn on the TV and every murderer is adopted or care-experienced; you go to work and hear about "those" type of children; and you go on mumsnet and you hear about how damaged you are and how few people would go near with you with a barge pole. It reminds me of why I do not tell most people that I am adopted and care-experienced, at least until they know me as me - a fairly boring, normal, approaching middle aged professional. Not good looking, no , but definitely out-performing all of my adoptive family in that respect, and academically too

I think more people don't consider it for all the reasons above. I think it's quite natural for people to want to have biological children. And there's nothing wrong with that. Far worse than more people considering adoption would be those for whom adoption isn't the right route adopting. Not fair on the child! People who would make excellent biological parents may not always make the best adoptive parents, and there's nothing wrong with that.

This is spot on. So much compassion for us fumbling around with little experience and less knowledge.

I didn't really explain myself well in my last post - what I meant was; having birth children is the 'default' option and that's why most people do it. If, in life, the default option is not available to you, you look for other options. Those options may be harder, they may look 'different', but in the end, those harder, different looking options turn out to enrich your life in ways you never knew was possible.

We only have one life (in my opinion). There's nothing wrong with going for the easy option - it's just human nature, right? But if, in the lottery of life, you are prompted to take a different path (ie not because you're a saint, but because that's where life takes you) you might find you are given the opportunity to learn what you are really made of and have the privilege of raising children who are strong and kind and quirky and weird and brilliant, because their trauma meant their brains 'didn't develop properly'.

And as for the 'horrendous' assessment process? That gets rid of the naive and the wanna be saints, so there's really no need to pile in with misinformation to 'help'

I think you are being naive, yes. Adoption is a difficult, long and draining process. Many people are rejected for ridiculous reasons. Your whole personal life including historical is dragged up. A lot of older children have been through a lot of trauma so are damaged and it takes a lot of commitment and patience to raise them as a result. I can totally see why few people choose to adopt.