To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

@PurpleDaisies

Maybe the question should be why so it so difficult to adopt?

Because it’s about finding the right parents for vulnerable children, not children for would be parents.

Just read the whole thread and this post from page one really stuck with me. This is why the adoption process is invasive and long, because it’s about finding the right home for the child not about finding kids for people who want to be parents.

There are something like 3 times the amount of people wanting to adopt as children waiting to be adopted so social services can be selective. Unfortunately there are lots of people who think they can adopt and ‘save’ a child but that’s not how it works. People need to go into the process with eyes wide open as to the potential reality.

I was going through the adoption process a few years ago.
They do ask a lot of personal questions about family and past relationships. They want to speak to previous partners etc.

Some time into the process they told us that they would not be continuing to consider us due to our 'financial situation'.
I found this to be very bizarre as they hadn't asked us about our financial situation, what we earned, what savings we had etc. They didn't ask to see accounts. If they had they would have seen we earned a decent wage, we owned our own house etc.

When I challenged this, they then told us the reason was because we were planning on moving house.
What we actually said was we were considering moving into a bigger house, closer to family in a few years time. No where in the near future. So it all fell through which we found really hard at the time.

We would consider it in the future again as we would like to adopt, but the process was difficult at the time.

@CHEM20

I’m conditioned to turn up for every fight I’m invited to

There’s no point. You’re not offended by the language ‘own’, ‘natural’ or ‘real’ when used to refer to birth children/parents. Great, good for you.

Meant people are offended (and the language simply isn’t correct). Therefore it simply shouldn’t be used. No biggie to point it out.

Funny how you’re not tripping over yourself to highlight the ableist and offensive language aimed at my family/blind daughter. Being disabled is a protected characteristic under the Equalities Act, being adopted isn’t. Using ableist/disablist language could be deemed to be a hate crime under the hate crime laws. But you’re happy for that to happen on this thread, because all you’re interested in is the adoption dimension. Get away with yourself and give your head a proper shake. Bloody bigots everywhere.

If children who are adopted always suffer trauma even if placed from birth. Why do we allow surrogacy?

Many people aren't in favour of surrogacy and think it should be illegal.

@Thunderbolted

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

Also, I work with mental health services and know first hand how important the very early years are to good mental health. We're not in the 1950s where unmarried mothers were forced to give up babies because of the stigma. Most children up for adoption are not babies and have serious attachment issues and worse which makes parenting much much harder.

Thank you for providing the world with your good stock children. Beautiful and smart. How divine. How wondrous. How generous of you that we may look upon them.

If I'm ugly as fuck but higher than you in intelligence, am I allowed to produce biological children?

My partner is smoking hot but dim. What should I do?

Can I just leave it up to you to have two more children with your good genes? That way I don't need to worry about it!

Further to my previous comment - we did say we would adopt a child under 10, didn't mind if they were a boy or a girl. And they would have had their own bedroom.
Only adding this as I've since read further comments in the thread relating to this.

Our friend couldn't have babies and single... whole process took 4 years ... on the uk it's insane ! The whole process from interviews to actually getting the baby !

There is something about growing and carrying your own child. I'd have absolutely considered adoption if I couldn't have carried my own. But even with the miscarriages and perhaps because of the miscarriages, it was a very important part of becoming a parent for me, and one I still look back on quite often.

[quote NorthSouthcatlady]@OldLadyInPolyester oh yes, the madness and control freakery of telling people with fertility issues they have to use contraception Do people actually adhere or just nod and smile, then secretly decline to do that[/quote]
There are reasons they are told to use contraception. Imagine adopting a child who may have attachment difficulties and trauma, then as the placement order is made you find out you’re pregnant. Imagine the potential impact on the adopted child of that scenario.

Social workers don’t put these rules in place for shits and giggles.

It is a horrendous process. Lots of vetting and classes. You need a good income and lifestyle. If you are very lucky you might get a child under 3.

The older children are the ones that need it most.

What we actually said was we were considering moving into a bigger house, closer to family in a few years time. No where in the near future. So it all fell through which we found really hard at the time.

That would potentially be very difficult in that an adopted child may not tolerate a house move even a few years post placement. My little boy is really very well adjusted in adoption terms but even now I wouldn’t consider relocating because the impact on him would be awful especially if he needed to change schools and friendships etc. That’s not to say we wouldn’t move if circumstances demanded it, but there would need to be a very compelling reason to do so, one that was worth the risk to his well-being.

Better to have all major moves done before bringing a child into the equation.

We have been looking into it due to infertility and recurrent miscarriages but anecdotes like the ones on this thread scare me off. It sounds very hard and sad and I’ve already been through something very hard and sad. I don’t know if I’m up to it.

My mum is a foster carer and has been for 30 years. She adopted 2 children she fostered herself they were 4 and 6. Both with attachment issues, autism and post traumatic stress disorder. It was the best decision she’s ever made although challenging at times.
She mostly has babies placed with her and more often than not they’re adopted. Usually they are less than a week old when placed with her and don’t get adopted until 16month plus.
Social services need to assess the birth parents and any family members that come forward first. This takes a long time. They then need to put it to court and go through the adoption process which can take Even longer. As soon as perspective parents hear that they won’t get a new born baby then it puts them off.

user1471538283 It is a horrendous process. Lots of vetting and classes. You need a good income and lifestyle. If you are very lucky you might get a child under 3. The older children are the ones that need it most

And we seemed to have looped back to the beginning.... Ho hum.

user1471538283 you seem to be presenting these things as facts. I appreciate they might be your personal experience, but that does not make things universal truths.

I have 2 adopted children. The assessment process was quite pleasant, they were both 6 months old when placed with us (2.5 years apart), we are very average (literally) in terms of our earnings and our lifestyle. Of all the adoptive parents we met during the assessment process (probably about 15) they all adopted children under 12 months.

I’ve always said I would adopt if I had the funds or space, when I was younger (maybe 10/11) one of my close friends had to be put in care, I always vowed that if I had the money and the space I would adopt. I don’t mind the age. Unfortunately my life didn’t quite pan out how I’ve wanted it, I love my kids to bit and would not change a thing.I think all kids have a right to be loved, to be kids. It makes me sad that there are kids out there that have experienced things people shouldn’t in a lifetime let alone as kids.

@Tooshytoshine

I have two adopted children who I love unconditionally and am entirely devoted to.

But fucking hell it's hard work.

Same here, you put it very succinctly 🙂

*It is a horrendous process. Lots of vetting and classes. You need a good income and lifestyle. If you are very lucky you might get a child under 3.

The older children are the ones that need it most.*

They must have made a mistake with me then. Decidedly average income and lifestyle and while we actively wanted older children the other 6 sets of parents in our group all had children under 2 placed with them.

The process was long because of things in my personal life which were both unforeseen and out of my control but I had a good relationship with my social worker who went above and beyond to support us through the process. It was literally the least stressful thing in my life at the time.

@SmaugMum I’m sorry you seem to be having such a hard time of it lately and that it’s causing you so much stress and angst.

I hope you get the help and support you and your daughter need.

This. 👇

NotMeNoNo

Tooshytoshine
I have two adopted children who I love unconditionally and am entirely devoted to.

But fucking hell it's hard work.
Same here, you put it very succinctly 🙂

Can we please ignore the previous 22 pages of bullshit?

Although, I’ll no doubt be accused of trying to speak for every other adopter and then be @-ed with totally pass-agg faux-concern messages from posters who think they’re very clever (but in fact are total last word merchants/control-freaks who can’t bear to be challenged in their thinking.)

I think it would be a bit unfortunate to think of all the good arguments you put forward in terms of adoption to then go on to want to adopt a baby. Not that baby shouldn’t be adopted but more so that babies are almost always adopted. So most babies abandoned at birth won’t suffer much trauma (assuming their mom wasn’t addicted to drugs or alcohol and that they are born healthy).
Kids who need adopting are the older ones, the multiple siblings, the disabled kids. Those are the ones who need the extra love (again babies do too but many many people are eager to love on a baby, much less so an older child or a teenager).

I want to adopt. I would want to adopt older kids though (siblings if possible). I love little kids and it would be nice to have my bio one potentially but in terms of adoption I would want to ask for an older child because they deserve so much better than to grow up feeling too old to be loved. I think if you adopt you need to be willing to adopt almost any kid irrelevant of age, sex and origins. I do set a difference with disabilities and health issues as I do think it’s something that requires a specific type of family both in terms of emotional, mental and physical abilities as well as financial capacity but for anything else I think people who focus a lot on the “only babies and ideally only from X country/ies.” a bit suspicious.

Ultimately either you are willing to love on a kid that’s not yours and ready for the challenges that come with it and to love him/her/them through it, including trauma, search for identity and potential bio parents or relatives, potential rejection of you as a parental figure etc… or you are not equipped for it. In this case adopting a baby won’t change much, and probably should overall be avoided and IVF or other conception method preferred.

[quote CHEM20]@SmaugMum I’m sorry you seem to be having such a hard time of it lately and that it’s causing you so much stress and angst.

I hope you get the help and support you and your daughter need.[/quote]
No, I’m totally not having a hard time of things lately. I wonder what gave you that impression? I continue to deal well with my DD’s challenging behaviours, it’s why we’re a successful adoption so many years on. However, as the parent of a child with a severe disability, I will continue to challenge the very many casual ableist comments and behaviours on this site.

My lovely aunt and uncle fostered many, and subsequently adopted 4 children. They specialised in teens and their kids were adopted as teens. Two came from backgrounds of abuse and neglect. My uncle once said he thought maybe they had failed those kids as they lived rather chaotic lives. I pointed out the stability and love they had, what their lives might have been like without my aunt and uncle adopting, and how wonderfully the grandchildren were doing having had Nanny and Pawpaw in their lives as a constant from birth.
The other two are happy and stable. They were a sibling pair whose parents died in a car crash when they were 13 and 15. Their parents had been "ordinary" people who just sadly died. Despite this massive trauma, the good parenting they had always had meant that they have none of the drug and alcohol issues of the two who were neglected and abused in early childhood.
My aunt and uncle have a huge family of children, grandchildren and great grandchildren and the younger two generations escaped the cycle of trauma and abuse because, directly, of them being involved in supporting their adopted children's parenting from day 1.

I would love to adopt but worry I would be turnt down due to CAMHS involvement when I was younger and some ongoing health problems. We have a lot of love to give a child but it’s probably not enough as we don’t own our home ect.

most babies abandoned at birth won’t suffer much trauma

Newborns suffer huge trauma being separated from their mother.

@EishetChayil

I would like to know how society has degenerated so severely that there are so many babies and infants being abused and traumatised by their parents.

You think child abuse is a new thing?