To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

Nobody is ‘writing off’ children (adopted or otherwise) because they may have been subjected to trauma.

In fairness there have been a good number on this thread commenting about nature/nurture and “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”. Children can come to adoption with significant trauma, and some will carry those physiological and physical affects into adulthood, however it’s entirely possible to recover from all kinds of trauma and with the right kinds of support traumatised kids can go on to great things.

@OldLadyInPolyester oh yes, the madness and control freakery of telling people with fertility issues they have to use contraception confused Do people actually adhere or just nod and smile, then secretly decline to do that

I can only speak for myself but I utterly ignored them - my sex life and birth control choices are my business and I was pretty certain after 20 years of trying I wasn’t going to fall pregnant.

Apologies ineedsun and LovePoppy my post took me so long to write I hadn't read yours yet! The regret that any adopted person should have to read some of the rubbish on here is of course extended to you.

I’m just trying to point out that people have posted on here in good faith and they’re too scared because they don’t know the right words to use but they’re doing their best

They could always ask if they’re unsure…?

But pointing out problematic language which is undoubtedly part of a culture that sometimes sees adopting as a reserve choice after trying for biological children (see… not that hard) = terminally offended? Really?

[quote NorthSouthcatlady]@OldLadyInPolyester oh yes, the madness and control freakery of telling people with fertility issues they have to use contraception Do people actually adhere or just nod and smile, then secretly decline to do that[/quote]
The latter in my case.

It’s good practice for the real control issues you’re likely to encounter when dealing with children with attachment issues. If prospective adopters can’t cope with the request around contraception, it’s probably a heathy warning sign 😉

healthy

@CHEM20

I’m just trying to point out that people have posted on here in good faith and they’re too scared because they don’t know the right words to use but they’re doing their best

They could always ask if they’re unsure…?

But pointing out problematic language which is undoubtedly part of a culture that sometimes sees adopting as a reserve choice after trying for biological children (see… not that hard) = terminally offended? Really?

Have you seen what’s happened to JKR? People are terrified to say the wrong thing now (except when it comes to disabled people, it seems). Look, you can cherry pick bits out of my posts and I can cherry pick bits out of your posts, and we can go back and forth. But, in essence, isn’t it okay to have a difference of opinion, even if we are part of the same tribe? My story is my story and I share it to help others and to try to do my own little bit to ensure that future adopters are equipped with as much ammunition and information for the rollercoaster ride they will have ahead of them. I have no other agenda and I, 16 years in, I see many shades of grey (not the saucy book or film) rather than black or white; so, from a terrified blanket ‘the birth family is the enemy’ now I see the enormous benefits for my DD2 in being able to reference her likeness to her birth mum, who we see regularly, and her natural running ability - DD1 and I can’t even run for a bus. Look, I seem to have rubbed people up the wrong way tonight and that is personally upsetting as I never like to offend and upset - but some things are too important to let go and ignore. All I have done is told my adoption truth and my DD1’s adoption truth, as told to me and with her full permission.

@CHEM20

I’m just trying to point out that people have posted on here in good faith and they’re too scared because they don’t know the right words to use but they’re doing their best

They could always ask if they’re unsure…?

But pointing out problematic language which is undoubtedly part of a culture that sometimes sees adopting as a reserve choice after trying for biological children (see… not that hard) = terminally offended? Really?

Genuinely, and I write as a single adopter who has never had a single date or relationship since beginning my adoption journey 16 years ago, adoption usually IS a reserve choice after trying for biological children. This will come as no shock to any social worker or anyone else involved in the ‘business’ of adoption.

@SmaugMum I don’t see anything offensive or upsetting in what you’ve written, people use incredibly offensive language about adoption and I know I’ve reached in different ways depending on how my personal adoption experience is going at the time. It’s ok for you to be in a different place than others - in 6 months time well both no doubt be in a different place again, with different sensitivities, because that’s part of the joy that is adoption.

I think you’ve posted honestly and compassionately about your daughter, and I can totally understand why correcting other folks language isn’t on your list of priorities right now. Other folk can do that if they have the bandwidth, we don’t need to turn up for every fight we’re invited to.

Very naive OP, not many small babies and the small babies 'available' will likely be fostered for a period so they'd be older by the time they could be adopted.

Attachment related trauma cannot be undone, it literally means parts of the brain do not develop properly and the impact of this can be huge.

Children in care are often from chaotic families with complex needs. Would you feel you could meet the needs of a child with severe attachment difficulties, a degree of learning difficulties, complications such as fetal alcohol syndrome or drug withdrawal?

In answer to the OP - because I am a good enough parent to my ds, but I have significant flaws that I think would be more of an issue for a child being adopted. Also dh had a severe mental illness which did indeed kill him in the end, and which was definitely exacerbated by the various demands of parenting. I think if we had somehow got through the assessment process (unlikely), we would have been an unstable family for a child who would need stability.

And less personally - as shown on this thread - when looking into adoption, which i started to at one point, you will be told multiple opposing pieces of information and viewpoints that are all stated confidently as fact. This makes me feel that there isn't much reliable expertise or support out there.

@PermanentTemporary

In answer to the OP - because I am a good enough parent to my ds, but I have significant flaws that I think would be more of an issue for a child being adopted. Also dh had a severe mental illness which did indeed kill him in the end, and which was definitely exacerbated by the various demands of parenting. I think if we had somehow got through the assessment process (unlikely), we would have been an unstable family for a child who would need stability.

And less personally - as shown on this thread - when looking into adoption, which i started to at one point, you will be told multiple opposing pieces of information and viewpoints that are all stated confidently as fact. This makes me feel that there isn't much reliable expertise or support out there.

people can only tell you what their experience is and these are going to vary massively....some things like applying the law and national process won't vary too much but different counties and organisations will differ, certainly children and families will differ and the fact that epeople have stated different things doesn't mean that any of them are wrong.

Attachment related trauma cannot be undone, it literally means parts of the brain do not develop properly and the impact of this can be huge.

Research and clinical experience would disagree with you - in severe cases yes, but a huge degree of attachment related trauma responds well to intervention.

@sunshineandskyscrapers

It apparently enables people to circumvent the, quite right, stringent controls around who can adopt Nope, not true either. In the UK to adopt from overseas you still need to go through the same UK assessment as you would do for domestic adoption, but you'd have to fund it yourself.

yup, I posted the link further up the thread.

Patapouf

I don't necessarily want to re-start the argument about language, but...

I'm not sure it's strictly true to say 'attachment related trauma can never be undone'. I guess it depends on what you mean by 'undone'.

Also, I would say 'parts of the brain develop differently' rather than 'parts of the brain do not develop properly'.

Language does matter.

Jellycatspyjamas wanna be best friends?

[quote Jellycatspyjamas]@SmaugMum I don’t see anything offensive or upsetting in what you’ve written, people use incredibly offensive language about adoption and I know I’ve reached in different ways depending on how my personal adoption experience is going at the time. It’s ok for you to be in a different place than others - in 6 months time well both no doubt be in a different place again, with different sensitivities, because that’s part of the joy that is adoption.

I think you’ve posted honestly and compassionately about your daughter, and I can totally understand why correcting other folks language isn’t on your list of priorities right now. Other folk can do that if they have the bandwidth, we don’t need to turn up for every fight we’re invited to.[/quote]
Words of wisdom, @Jellycatspyjamas, 16 years in and I’m conditioned to turn up for every fight I’m invited to - with boxing gloves on - (thinking of you, school/s, adoption agency, ASF, CAMHS, MAST, various and multiple bullshit therapists, police, children’s services, etc. ad infinitum.

Completely agree with this @Jellycatspyjamas

I think you’ve (@SmaugMum ) posted honestly and compassionately about your daughter, and I can totally understand why correcting other folks language isn’t on your list of priorities right now. Other folk can do that if they have the bandwidth, we don’t need to turn up for every fight we’re invited to

Smaug… I meant reserve to mean second best. Not second route explored. The latter, of course you’re right, is usual (although not my route). The former, if that’s what adoptive parents think, is likely to lead to issues.

@stilltiredinthemorning

@SmaugMum I hear you

I’m conditioned to turn up for every fight I’m invited to

There’s no point. You’re not offended by the language ‘own’, ‘natural’ or ‘real’ when used to refer to birth children/parents. Great, good for you.

Meant people are offended (and the language simply isn’t correct). Therefore it simply shouldn’t be used. No biggie to point it out.

Many

I have two adopted children who I love unconditionally and am entirely devoted to.

But fucking hell it's hard work.

@CHEM20

I’m conditioned to turn up for every fight I’m invited to

There’s no point. You’re not offended by the language ‘own’, ‘natural’ or ‘real’ when used to refer to birth children/parents. Great, good for you.

Meant people are offended (and the language simply isn’t correct). Therefore it simply shouldn’t be used. No biggie to point it out.

Oh my god, do you ever give it a rest? 😅

If children who are adopted always suffer trauma even if placed from birth. Why do we allow surrogacy? Even more so when no
Blood ties from even one parent doesn’t it just create same issues? Just had call in on radio over not wanting afoot because trauma child issues but would consider a surrogacy.

^adopt not afoot