To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

My siblings are adopted, I'm not. One of them found it very difficult when they became a parent themselves as they couldn't really comprehend doing it. That said, they tracked down their birth mother which has been a cathartic process for them both.

My other sibling doesn't really talk about being adopted but has struggled with partner relationships and self identity at times. May be unrelated.

They say it's the little things that remind you, like the doctor asking whether an illness runs in your family. From my perspective, it's been lovely growing up with them.

@EishetChayil

I would like to know how society has degenerated so severely that there are so many babies and infants being abused and traumatised by their parents.

It hasn't. I've read extensively around society in Victorian and for up to 200 years pre-Victorian times.

In truth actually things have improved a great deal if you look into the social history - but it's still deeply below a value-every-child and provide reasonable enough support standard.

We had or have had the potential to improve things. But the will isn't there. Finance, recruitment, training and ongoing support would follow - and that's what the children need.

We tried to adopt when we had had 8 miscarriages, they wouldn't consider us as we could fall pregnant

I would love to adopt a second but my husband is concerned about bringing a child with trauma into my daughters life.

We have three adopted children in our family - two of my grandchildren, and one great-niece, but I have been closely involved in the upbringing of my granddaughters. One was adopted as a baby - it's hard to get a tiny baby, as they usually stay in foster care until the legalities are sorted out. It saves adoptive parents getting a child, bonding and then losing it if things go wrong. The other was adopted from an abusing background, at the age of three. She was removed from the abusive home aged one.

The one adopted as a baby has had issues - she has ADHD becasue of her birth mother's amphetamine use, and is also autistic, but high-functioning. She was challenging but very rewarding. The one adopted at three has been very difficult. She has attachment disorder, has always been wary of affection, cannot articulate her emotions, and attacks, both physically and emotionally, her adoptive parents, especially her mother, who is emotionally very important to her. It's been a tough, tough ride, there has been almost no support, and both parents have said to me from time to time that if they had known, they would not have gone ahead with the adoption.

On the plus side. The older child is now a young adult doing very well at university, very close to both her parents, her mother in particular. The younger one, though still very troubled) is, nonetheless, at college and doing reasonably well. As she gets older, she seems more able to cope with all the complex issues of her life.

My adopted great-niece was removed from her birth parents at birth, adopted at 8 months, and so far is doing very well.

Adoption can be very rewarding, but I think you need to know very clearly what you might be getting into. My daughter and son-in-law have effectively had their lives on hold for years because of the issues they have had with the younger child - these have been truly awful sometimes.

You will be doing something very worthwhile, but don't take on something you can't cope with. Best of luck!

Me and my husband adopted our son 18 months ago, he was was 11 months old when placed with us. I have a group of friends who have also adopted and their children were under 12 months old when placed so it’s not correct that only older children are looking for families. Whilst I don’t have birth children, I can honestly say adopting was the best thing we have ever done. I try to therapeutically parent as much as I can although in reality this involves being patient and understanding which I believe is best for any child. In regard to birth family contact, we write annually to our son’s biological family. I am completely happy to do this as it is beneficial for our son to retain some link with them. Ultimately we feel it’s our job to give our son the best childhood we can, however, we know he will suffer trauma even though he has never lived with his birth family and all we can do is our best to help him through. In regards to the adoption process, I would say it’s thorough rather than intrusive although it does take time which is understandable as there is a lot riding on the best outcome for both the children and the adopters. I would also say earlier posters who have implied only ‘well off’ people can adopt are incorrect. We have had to show we can financially support a child which I think is common sense and whilst I have returned to work part time, 3 of my friends who adopted have returned to work full time. Generally, while I agree it would be great if more people adopted due to the number of brilliant kids who need homes, adoption definitely isn’t for everyone and I understand why people don’t want to go down this path.

My friend adopted two children, had them both from being babies. They both have behavioural and attachment issues.

My friend was single when she adopted. Her child was forcibly removed and there were multiple challenges in court by her family to have custody. By the time it was all sorted, she was 18mths. But she was living in foster care and has had no issues and is a very easy child.
My friend had to go through hoops. A social worker would be assigned to visit and for a report to be done. That person would either ho off sick or be moved to snother section and the report would never get written. So then my friend would be back to square 1. She was forever on the phone trying to her reports done so she could move on to the next stage. One report she filled out herself, all her personal details, dates, times etc, and sent it to the SW to just fill out the comment at the bottom.
Eventually she had the child living with her, but even then they put her through the mill. Reports not written etc. She was told all the time the child wasn't hers and they could take the child off her. She asked if she could take them on a weeks holiday to Spain. Two social workers said, no. The child wasn't hers, she had no right to take them anywhere, she might abscond. Bearing in mind that she owned her own home, she had permanent employment here, her family and support network were all here.
Anyway, the head social worker came a couple of weeks later and watched them together etc. My friend again broached taking the child away. The SW said, of course, she's yours and you must do everything with her that any family would. It was a few weeks before the actual papers came through but she said the difference on the way she was treated and spoken to made all the difference.
She said that she was so close to dropping out of the process so many times because of the way she felt almost vilified.

For me, I would adopt if I couldn’t have my own children, but I’d be wary as these children could have some level of issues (nature vs nurture) and I think that’s a huge amount of work to take on. I really respect those who foster, especially older children with problems, and those who adopt.

Adopted children aren’t just there to be your back up.

Your “own” children could have just as many issues. You know that, right?

Adopted children are not second class citizens ffs

Having birth children doesn't always mean parenthood will be problem free either ,my youngest son has severe autism and learning disabilities,he has very complex needs,there is no guarantee however you become a parent that it will be an easy ride .

@LovePoppy

For me, I would adopt if I couldn’t have my own children, but I’d be wary as these children could have some level of issues (nature vs nurture) and I think that’s a huge amount of work to take on. I really respect those who foster, especially older children with problems, and those who adopt.

Adopted children aren’t just there to be your back up.

Your “own” children could have just as many issues. You know that, right?

Adopted children are not second class citizens ffs

To be fair, and I write as an adopter twice over and 14 years in, the vast majority of adopters adopt because, for one reason or another, they can’t have birth children (and, please, can we avoid the cancel-culture of semantics on this thread? There have been a few sharp comments in response to words used in good faith’ like ‘own’, ‘’natural’ etc. In my opinion, and I’m happy to be beaten down, as this is Mumsnet after all, this has been one of the most refreshing and truthful threads about the realities of contemporary adoption I have ever read in my 14 years of being an adoptive parent. It’s heartening that people are willing to read and be educated about what life CAN be like for adoptive families out here in 2022.

@adoptionthoughts I'd highly recommend watching 'the crazy pieces' videos on Facebook. They're an American family with 3 biological children and about 13 adopted kids! I've always had adoption on my heart and after 2 biological kids it's still very much there! I love their videos as it really shows the positives of adoption that people never talk about.

I could have my own children so did not consider it. If that had not been possible I would not have ruled it out. My parents were considering adoption as it was taking a while to conceive me but then I came along and then my siblings. It is certainly a bit simpler to have your own children if you can as there are no birth parents out there and you tend to know a bit more about the family history etc.

@SmaugMum

I’m glad this this has been honest and helpful to you.

As an adopted child it’s been more than slightly horrifying

@SmaugMum this thread is riddled with misinformation, assumptions and judgement - truthful maybe about some of the challenges but my goodness you wouldn’t have a clear, balanced understanding of contemporary adoption from reading this thread.

@LovePoppy, I actually didn’t say it was honest and helpful, no offence intended. Please re-read my posts and quote me accurately. I’m sorry this has been hurtful for you - I would never intentionally hurt anyone with my postings as that is not my nature and I do always try to be mindful of another person’s perspective. I think the reality (or mine, anyway) is that adoption always comes from a sense/place of loss - for the child, the birth parent/s and the adoptive parent/) - and that brings with it its own difficulties and sensitivities. I simply wanted to post that I have been heartened by the stories of those perhaps several times removed from adoption who ‘get’ the lifelong difficulties faced by all involved, especially the children, who had no say in how their futures would be mapped. We all, adopters/adopters/birth parents bring our own important dimension to these tales which are usually borne from tragedy.

If our IVF doesn't work we won't be adopting. After years of miscarriages and gruelling treatment we could not physically go through years of being assessed by Social Services and the possibility of more heartbreak. I can't imagine we're alone with that feeling.

[quote Jellycatspyjamas]@SmaugMum this thread is riddled with misinformation, assumptions and judgement - truthful maybe about some of the challenges but my goodness you wouldn’t have a clear, balanced understanding of contemporary adoption from reading this thread.[/quote]
And equally there have been robust challenges and truth exchanges from those of us living the real deal. The things posted here are only what our neighbours/colleagues/friends/family are thinking and believing. I’d far rather the misinformation, assumptions and judgment were out in the open. There is a lot of ignorance about adoption, especially as Family Court proceedings are shrouded in secrecy; I, for one, am glad that people on here are curious enough to ask questions or to post the experiences of their third cousin three times removed; better to have the bigots out than hiding in plain sight.

@adoptionthoughts

I should also point out I would likely be considering overseas adoption - for a variety of reasons.

Have a think about what those reasons are. Can I be forward and suggest that one of your reasons is that you’d rather avoid UK social services insisting on annual letter box contact with a birth parent? Perhaps another of your reasons is that you don’t like the idea of your child turning 18 (or frankly younger, social media makes detective work easy especially if the parents are happy to be found) and connecting with their birth parents. Far less risk of that if they came from a Chinese or Romanian orphanage, huh? If either of those reasons are part of your own thinking… then you have another reason to understand why many people don’t adopt.

I haven’t considered it for several reasons, all are pretty selfish reasons really:

1. Don’t want to go through the intrusive assessment.
2. Would struggle to parent a traumatised child.
3. I worry that I wouldn’t feel the same connection as I do to my biological children and that would be unfair on the child and too hard for me.

3b. When my kids really piss me off the thing that helps me to regain perspective is reminding myself that I created them. Not sure how I’d feel not having that.

[quote Jellycatspyjamas]@SmaugMum this thread is riddled with misinformation, assumptions and judgement - truthful maybe about some of the challenges but my goodness you wouldn’t have a clear, balanced understanding of contemporary adoption from reading this thread.[/quote]
I think that’s due to the framing of the OP though - the question was “those who haven’t and wouldn’t adopt - why?”

So obviously you are getting worst-case anecdotes about what has put people off, rather than a balanced picture.

better to have the bigots out than hiding in plain sight.

That’s very true @SmaugMum, though my fear is that folk don’t see past the bigots or think they know what they’re talking about and take those views forward.

You’re being naive about the very real challenges that adoptive parents face because of the awful start their children have often had in life.

This. Even if it's a baby, it would have suffered trauma. Being removed from a biological mother is a trauma in itself.

3b. When my kids really piss me off the thing that helps me to regain perspective is reminding myself that I created them. Not sure how I’d feel not having that.

And the thing that helps me is knowing I chose them, they weren’t random children left with me - I actively chose these two children with all the joy and challenge that goes with it.

@Jellycatspyjamas

3b. When my kids really piss me off the thing that helps me to regain perspective is reminding myself that I created them. Not sure how I’d feel not having that.

And the thing that helps me is knowing I chose them, they weren’t random children left with me - I actively chose these two children with all the joy and challenge that goes with it.

Which is brilliant and I’m glad you think and feel that.

But my fear would be “what if I don’t feel that? What if I wish I hadn’t chosen them?” Which would be such an awful way to feel for them and for me.

I’d hope I wouldn’t be like that but I just don’t know.

@Simonjt

Being a biological parent and an adoptive parent isn’t at all comparable.

My son came to me at 18 months old, he’s now six, he’s doing brilliantly right now, but he will likely never be ‘okay’. His parenting needs are different, he needs therapeutic parenting, even when I’m knackered, stressed and he is being a bloody nightmare and pressing every button. Even now I’m finding things he is yet to experience that have caused gaps in his development, one is a need for certain sensory experiences, specifically rocking and general proprioception, he’s currently barrel rolling on the spot at a soft play (aka hell on earth) and has been for a few minutes, he’ll if left to his own devices do that until we leave. He has issues around resources, you can’t take anything off him, he needs to always have access to food and drink, including in his room as he sometimes needs to secretly eat and drink, at school he has to be watched very carefully because he will eat out of the bins.

He has a very good attachment to me, I’m very lucky that he can be babysat by people he knows well. If he doesn’t know them well its a disaster, it took months to slowly build nursery up from an hour a day to four short days a week. For the first term of school he would be so distressed he would vomit, I missed so much work I nearly lost my job. If his both his teacher and the clas TA are off (this has happened a few times since covid) he can’t go to school.

He pushes me to test my attachment to him, he will scream, shout, tell me he hates me, spit at me, hit me and kick me. He’s doing it because he needs to know that I do love him, that I’m not leaving, that no matter what he has done he’ll still get a cuddle, a kiss or a rock.

Compared to the other children at our adoption group he is (currently) fairly easy, there aren’t any signs of FASD, ASD, ADHD or ADD at the moment.

He now has a little sister, she was born in November, when we visit her he is lovely, gives her cuddles, helps bathe her and is generally very positive. Thats because he sees her in her foster home, not his home. I’ve now set up the cot and a few things so they’ve been in our home for a while before she comes home. Those items are obviously a threat to my son, his security and his main resource me, so it will be very challenging when she moves in.

You have to consider that the birth family and foster carers become part of your family. As well as pictures of us on display we have pictures of his foster carers, his birth mum, I talk about them, he tells people about them. My son didn’t join me and become my family, I became part of his.

He is hard work, but I don’t know any different, to me my parenting experience is completely normal, yes its stressful and I get tired, but I enjoy and I love being his Dad.

I just wanted to say that you sound like a wonderful dad. It’s clearly really hard sometimes, but your DS is so lucky you have come into his life, and that you love and care for him in the way you clearly do. I wish you the very best with the arrival of his sister