To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

I would like to know how society has degenerated so severely that there are so many babies and infants being abused and traumatised by their parents.

I've met 2 families in my life that adopted children, both kids came with heartbreaking issues, one was 5 years old and the other 3 years .
You do sound naive but with the best intentions I'm sure.

@sunshineandskyscrapers

It apparently enables people to circumvent the, quite right, stringent controls around who can adopt Nope, not true either. In the UK to adopt from overseas you still need to go through the same UK assessment as you would do for domestic adoption, but you'd have to fund it yourself.

Ok fair enough. From OPs posts I thought she had looked into this and found it would be easier. As I said in my post, I have never understood why overseas adoption was so popular so was reacting to why OP was saying it was appealing to her.

@EishetChayil

I would like to know how society has degenerated so severely that there are so many babies and infants being abused and traumatised by their parents.

Generational trauma

There aren't any 'very small babies', you dope. This is common knowledge. Children have to be neglected and abused for years before they're finally taken away, and then they get years in care to top it off. Throw in the whole group of siblings, the impossible requirements from social and total lack of support afterwards - do you ever open a newspaper?

The real world isn't a young mother dabbing her eyes at the adoption agency and tiny babies going to merry parents. It's foetal alcohol syndrome, life long disabilities, and adopting a traumatised 9 year old while the birth family threaten to burn down your house - oh yes, contact is 'encouraged'.

@EishetChayil

I would like to know how society has degenerated so severely that there are so many babies and infants being abused and traumatised by their parents.

There have always been parents and adult carers like this. We are more aware of it and rejecting of it these days. Society is far far less cruel than it used to be. Think of workhouses, orphanages, boarding schools, prisons, Magdalena laundries etc.

The real world isn't a young mother dabbing her eyes at the adoption agency and tiny babies going to merry parents. It's foetal alcohol syndrome, life long disabilities, and adopting a traumatised 9 year old while the birth family threaten to burn down your house - oh yes, contact is 'encouraged'.

Oddly enough that’s not my real life experience of adoption personally or professionally.

@HazelBite

I find this a very difficult subject to post on as I could write many chapters on the extreme trauma myself, DH, Ds and my very lovely (now ex DIL) have suffered as a result of an adoption basically "gone wrong" down to the ineptitude of the local authority who arranged it. Our lives will never ever be the same and now over 2 years on from the DC's being removed we still suffer and question ourselves despite a High Court Judge saying that Ds and DDIL should take that particular LA to Court under the Human Rights Act, but what would be achieved, there are no winners. Unfortunately most of the Dc's available for adoption have such complex needs both physical and mental and emotional, that there is often insufficient support available much to the detriment to the adopters and adoptees.

@HazelBite, I’m so sorry for you and your family. Yes, adoption is (rarely) the happily-ever-after ending that the public wants. I’m 14 years in with my elder adopted child (I have two) and it has taken a huge toll on my physical and mental well-being , as well as my economic health, as I have had to sacrifice a good career in order to become a full-time carer to my DD1, who is massively impacted by her pre-natal experiences. I can’t tell my friends how bad things can be living with my DD as they’d never believe me.

There aren't any 'very small babies', you dope. This is common knowledge

My old local authority did have relatively high numbers of newborns for adoption, because they had relatively high numbers of women using drugs and abusing alcohol in pregnancy. So newborns were available but they may have suffered damage in utero.

OP I feel like you framed your OP very strangely, based on your later posts.

Just on the contact arrangements… it is worthy noting that although LAs will put statements on their websites and in their info evenings saying adoptive parents must sign up to x, y, z, ultimately (and once the adoption order is granted) it’s up to the adoptive parents entirely. They are the only ones with parental responsibility for the children. No one else has a say (although noise may be made).

Obviously that statement is tempered with the fact that adoptive parents will have undergone lengthy training on identity and attachment. They are therefore are almost always willing to support an arrangement as it’s usually in the best interest of the child (which is where the adoptive parents thoughts will be focused… not on their own feelings toward the matter).

I'm an adopter and I haven't read the full thread. But to answer your question, people don't do it because it's a bloody gruelling process, every child will have experienced some sort of trauma and there is a real lack of post adoption support. I love my son to distraction but I would not put myself through it again.

We adopted twin toddlers a few years ago and the adoption process is indescribably hard. They scrutinise your background, your motives, your relationships, support networks, finances, health and values. It's also subjective and as there is a lot of turnover in the LAs and you're at the mercy of whoever is 'in charge.' I personally felt that adopters were at the bottom of the list and I would say that we and many others were afforded very little courtesy. We were often treated like resources as opposed to human beings. After we were approved to adopt, we were assessed and shortlisted for 18 children in a 12 month period. We were 'matched' to several. Sometimes we would be left waiting for weeks on end for a final decision to discover the child had been placed ages ago we just hadn't been informed. I remember waiting in an airport not knowing if I was to board a plane or not for a much needed holiday. I have another friend who had a newborn placed with her and her family, for the baby to be taken away again two days later. The list is very long.

I can't say though that it wasn't worth it because it was! Our children are beautiful. They are no more damaged goods (as one PP stated) than the rest of the human race and my hubby and I aren't amazing people. We are very normal and our family, whilst not conventional, is a place of love and safety. I love the quote "everyone comes with baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack."

There aren't any 'very small babies', you dope. This is common knowledge. Children have to be neglected and abused for years before they're finally taken away
Also not true. Plenty of children are removed at birth. Many go into concurrency placements so they can be fostered and then adopted by the same family if the plan is for adoption.

I know a couple who wanted to adopt as they thought it the right thing to do and wanted to grow their family by taking in a child or sibling pair who needed them, They were prepared for an older and no doubt traumatised child. They successfully parent their own children. They extended their house so they had space, did a lot of research. And then were rejected as adoptive parents after assessment. I am sure the agency did what they thought was right but it is hard to accept that living with this couple wouldn't be better than the circumstances many children are living in as looked after children. The rejection devastated them.

@Thadhiya

There aren't any 'very small babies', you dope. This is common knowledge. Children have to be neglected and abused for years before they're finally taken away, and then they get years in care to top it off. Throw in the whole group of siblings, the impossible requirements from social and total lack of support afterwards - do you ever open a newspaper?

The real world isn't a young mother dabbing her eyes at the adoption agency and tiny babies going to merry parents. It's foetal alcohol syndrome, life long disabilities, and adopting a traumatised 9 year old while the birth family threaten to burn down your house - oh yes, contact is 'encouraged'.

Not true. There are children taken at birth and placed into care, either foster or foster to adopt. It does not take years of abuse before that happens. You are correct in saying that can happen but that is not always the case.

It is harder to be matched with a baby, particularly now as Covid has meant that many children and the abuse has gone under the radar due to lack of access but your blanket statement is simply not true

I say this as both an adopter and a mentor to local adopters working with agencies

This isn’t the 1950’s, women don’t give up healthy little babies because they’re unmarried or poor.
The majority of children in the system are older, or have significant developmental issues, trauma etc and most babies are typically available via foster to adopt/concurrent planning and they also tend to have been born addicted to an illicit substance.
It’s very tough and it was made crystal clear to me that adoption isn’t an easy alternative to having biological children. It’s very rewarding, but also very tough. It’s not as simple as picking an unloved child, showering them with love and all is well. That’s a very naive narrative.

Source: I have an adopted family member, and I’m in the early stages of an application myself

@Northernlurker

I know a couple who wanted to adopt as they thought it the right thing to do and wanted to grow their family by taking in a child or sibling pair who needed them, They were prepared for an older and no doubt traumatised child. They successfully parent their own children. They extended their house so they had space, did a lot of research. And then were rejected as adoptive parents after assessment. I am sure the agency did what they thought was right but it is hard to accept that living with this couple wouldn't be better than the circumstances many children are living in as looked after children. The rejection devastated them.

Adoption agencies are rightly wary of prospective adopters with a saviour complex.

@okeydokeywokeyblokey

This is really interesting. I've been thinking about fostering an older teen or possibly siblings, and wonder if anyone has any insights? I live in US, and have a mostly happy marriage, and we are relatively financially stable. We have our own house, and 3 spare rooms as my kids are older and have left home. It's also a town with a really good school (and school bus service).

I am just exploring this, as I don't know if the reason I'm going into it is a good one. With my kids out of the home I think it would be nice to help out someone less fortunate (not looking for or expecting gratitude). I am open to a loving long term relationship with them, but a friendship is just fine too. I think my husband would be good with them, he is pragmatic about what teens are like. We have had an exchange student before for 6 months when my kids were home, which went well.

The reason I would prefer them to be a teen is so that they are reasonably independent as I have a fixed work schedule 3 days a week (one weekend day, and 2 weekdays), and then am a freelance instructor with lessons at odd times the other 4 days of the week. Those 3 days are really intensive though, and I would be out of the house most of the day. The rest of the time I could give them a lot more attention (and instruct them in a racquet sport...)

My husband works from home, but while he would be friendly and hospitable I don't think he would be like a dad to the teen.

Is this something that might work out for a troubled teen? Or do they need a lot more hands on attention? I saw a post by someone who wished they had not been adopted, can't find it now.

Would this have been a better alternative? The teen would have lots of space, their own bathroom, could have friends over, would have cooked evening meals, not always at the same time, breakfasts and lunches more adhoc and help yourself. We wouldn't have huge expectations, just general cleanliness. We would support them in activities, and play board games sometimes and I do often slob out to watch tv in the evenings as tired from coaching and happy to have company.

Am I an idiot for thinking this could work?

Have you looked into fostering a refugee?

Many are teens, often not ‘troubled’ but could benefit enormously from a setup like yous.

Very naive op.
My DS adopted siblings. All of them have severe behavioural and SEN due to alcohol and drug dependent mother and their experiences in the few years they were with birth parents. None of the issues were known when she took them on.
DS been close to suicidal, had to quit her career, hates her life. And the children are still young (

@Thadhiya

There aren't any 'very small babies', you dope. This is common knowledge. Children have to be neglected and abused for years before they're finally taken away, and then they get years in care to top it off. Throw in the whole group of siblings, the impossible requirements from social and total lack of support afterwards - do you ever open a newspaper?

The real world isn't a young mother dabbing her eyes at the adoption agency and tiny babies going to merry parents. It's foetal alcohol syndrome, life long disabilities, and adopting a traumatised 9 year old while the birth family threaten to burn down your house - oh yes, contact is 'encouraged'.

Regardless of the content of your post, can I just say that your ‘you dope’ way of addressing the PP really made me smile. This is often how I feel when I read the majority of postings to do with adoption on MN (in fact, the majority of posts on MN in general) but I try to be too polite to say so. I’m menopausal and I’m beyond giving any fucks now about social niceties, so I’m minded to embrace your ‘you dope’ attitude for 2022. I’m sure it won’t win me any friends but it may save the wear and tear on my eyeballs which are on a rolling loop.

Because I don't think I have the skills tbh. I am aware of an adoption that 'failed' and it sounded appallingly traumatic for all involved. It's easy to have a rose tinted view of the whole process, but it's definitely not for everyone. I gather the process potential adoptive parents go through is very rigorous, but is how ot needs to be.

[quote Jellycatspyjamas]**@godmum56 it was exactly that which put us off - the social worker leading our information seminar was very clear that they expected almost all adoptions to be open adoptions, and suggested inviting the birth family to weekly family meals, allowing the birth grandparents regular ongoing access etc. This was shortly after explaining exactly how chaotic and difficult most birth families are (drug and alcohol addiction, severe mental health problems, cycles of abuse etc).

In 25+ years as a children & families social worker I’ve never heard it suggested that birth families have weekly contact post adoption or that adoptive families would entertain them in their homes. That’s not remotely what open adoption looks like in the U.K. It may be portrayed that way in certain US dramas, but certainly not how it works in the U.K.[/quote]
not weekly and only the mother but its how it worked at the start with one of the families I know. This was in part because the mother could not be trusted alone with the child. A change was allowed because of the detrimental effect that the visits had on the child and TBH the mother lost interest. I suspect that in the seminars they describe the most extreme possibilities. This child has no sibs but its conceivable that contact with sibs would be expected.

I think it's lovely you're considering it op, we definitely need more people to do it. But I do think you're being a little naive and hope you will do a lot of research and speak to adoptive parents before embarking on it.

Babies are not difficult to find families for, and are in high demand, so chances are you may well find you're either deemed unsuitable for a baby (if you or your partner are smokers, overweight, or older parents) or they may be very few and far between. It tends to be older children who are the more difficult to find homes for, precisely because nobody wants them. It's very, very sad.

I have 2 adopted nephews. Like you, dsis wanted a baby. But she was already 40+ when they started the process and her husband is a smoker. They were told they were unsuitable candidates for a baby. They adopted my nephews at 5 and 7 years old.

Both boys had attachment issues, both have ASD and ADHD. Neither has had much support at all from the LA since they were adopted. Dsis had to fight tooth and nail for their diagnoses and one to one support at school. The adoption process itself was incredibly arduous and intrusive, with much heartache along the way (e.g being told she wasn't suitable for a baby). 7 years on, her marriage has all but collapsed due to the pressure and although in some ways their additional needs are easier now they are a little older, diagnosed and finally getting support, it has been a really tough road. She also finds it hard that they're encouraged to stay in contact with their birth parents after such a neglectful start in life.

Of course she loves them immensely and wouldn't change anything, but it's not hard to understand why more people don't do it. It's been a real eye opener.

Both boys doing really well now, by the way. A wonderful addition to our extended family.

Also, adopting from overseas is a worthwhile consideration but you need to be approved in the U.K. and in your adopted child’s country as well. It’s not as simple as showing up at a Russian orphanage and leaving with a child. Def a good idea to investigate the process, OP.