To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

And for further clarity, what I was trying to say was it’s not a simple alternative to having a biological child as if there are no differences ultimately, as the OP seems to think. Apologies for the clumsy wording.

Mum through adoption....yes I kick ass 😁

@Dithercats

Mum through adoption....yes I kick ass 😁

It’s the best club to be part of isn’t it, our social worker said I was a certified super hero, I won’t let my husband forget 😂 fitting my head through doors is tricker now though!

I think you are being extremely naive about the adoption process and the difficulties of raising an adopted child.

First of all, the criteria for being eligible for adoption is quite high. You must be able to provide a separate room for said child (can be difficult if you already have other children). You must pass home checks, personality checks (references), health checks. The whole process takes several months, sometimes years and can be incredibly expensive especially in the case of international adoption (£10k+) Many people either cannot pass the criteria or they may give up by this stage due to the sheer amount of paperwork involved.

If you're looking for a small baby, be prepared to either widen your criteria or you'll be waiting for a long while. Even if you are matched with a baby, by the end of the adoption process they will be several months older.

In many cases, the child's / parents full medical history is often unknown (especially father's), they may be predestined to have certain medical conditions or they may already have unidentified conditions. Many may come from abusive households. Almost all adoptive children have some form of developmental delays. Issues such as hiding food, issues with emotional attachment or lack of attachment are extremely common with adoptees.

Having said all that, I do 100% believe that adoption is worth it but it's definitely not for everyone! It IS hard and it probably doesn't help how adoption is romantised by many people.

@GiantCheeseMonster

CHEM20, I apologise for causing offence. That was not my intention as I hope the rest of my post made clear. I meant a parent’s biological child. Of course adoptive children are yours.

Thank you - no offence taken, however the perception that biological = ‘own’ and adopted = ‘someone else’s’ is definitely a reason that puts some people off.

Misconceptions around contact arrangements often add to this.

We have been through the adoption process twice, both times matched with babies, some of the posts on here suggesting only children over the age of 5 who have been sexually abused are available for adopted is absolutely ludicrous!!
Our first assessment was lengthy and stressful, however we expected it, they are not going to just hand over children to people who have not been thoroughly checked, including family dynamics, support network, finances etc... second time it was much easier and quicker as SW then knew us.
During initial interest talks the SW will try to prepare you for the worst case scenarios, some things we were told during that stage really worried us but none have ever actually happened. We have never met birth family and never will.
There can be happy positive families created via adoption. It’s not all negative.

[quote adoptionthoughts]@Echobelly agree which is why I'd be considering overseas only. I don't think I would want the UK processes.

Admittedly as some posters mention yes I do need to do much more research and I've also committed to waiting another five years to do this - to give myself time to research and decide if it's still something I would like to do.

I'm not considering going to the adoption agency tomorrow! [/quote]
Adoption from overseas does not bypass UK adoption process. You need to do both. DD's good friend was adopted from China. The Chinese side of it was harrowing but it was the UK process, that they still had to fully go through that put her mum off from adopting for a second time as they had originally planned. I'm afraid you still have to do it

i think there is a foster to adopt system now.
babies would be less available and mostly from drug dependant mothers, with genetic issues.

Somebody I know very well was adopted with her brother when they were just toddlers and the life they have put their adoptive parents through you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy, very troubled children even though they were removed early on for the right reasons. it was interesting from a nature versus nurture perspective but actually the children who stayed with the bio parents have had better outcomes .

should have read the thread, of course it has been said a lot more eloquently above.

it is an amazingly hopeful positive thing to do for a child

Based on what I have seen friends and colleagues go through; terribly damaged young children placed with well-meaning couples who have moved heaven and earth to adopt, only to struggle with complex issues they are in no position to deal with. Sadly I haven't seen any positive outcomes. Just families at breaking point.

(I haven't read the whole thread, hope I haven't missed anything big)

I think a lot of these things too sometimes. From what I have found out, there are a couple of things that would be problematic for me. I don't think it's super important to me to have biological children and I often find it difficult to really empathise with others for whom it's really important (and I'm pregnant myself at the moment). But, I think I would struggle with having to share, on some level, adopted children. I think quite often, social services etc. encourage as much contact as possible with biological family members. They may want the biological mother to be kept up to date, or for your child to meet up with their siblings and so on. I wondered whether that would be a problem for me- what if there was a clash between you, or if you worried family members were a bad influence? Could be a tricky situation.

It's been a while since I looked into this, though, I expect other people are better authorities on how often this happens

I wish I had it in me to adopt because how nice would it be for a child to live in a house full of love and laughter. However if I'm being realistic, I've never wanted kids. I have one DD and I'm pregnant with our second. I love my kids and honestly couldn't imagine life without them. But to be responsible for a child that I'm not related too, I wouldn't want that. I'd want to be free and be able to focus on my career.

Thank God not everyone is as selfish as me and there are people who are happy to provide kids with a loving family. Unfortunately I'm just not one of them

To adopt a very small baby you would need to go down the 'foster to adopt' route with no guarantee that the child will remain with you at the end of the process. Heartbreaking if they don't. Otherwise the child will have been removed from biological parents and spent some time in at least one foster placement. So think potential attachment disorders which makes it difficult to bond with the child and vice versa.

Parents who have children removed often have drug / alcohol problems which is likely to have had adverse affect on the child's development / behaviour if mum was using whilst pregnant.

Same with parental mental health issues where there is often a genetic element.

You're right yo point out that children will come after experiencing significant trauma which a lot of people feel ill equipped to deal with.

Also, children need to know about their birth families and their life stories before they were adopted. I think a lot of people don't like this idea.

A lot of adoptions break down sadly. It is not an easy option. Prospective parents have to go through rigorous and intrusive assessments and then matching may take forever. You have to make a commitment to go on birth control for a period of time so that a biological child doesn't turn up and disrupt the placement too.

I know two couples that adopted and the adoptions failed. Both couples were interviewed and accepted, both were told that had been approved for a baby/very young child. Both were then presented with older children and told this was their only option. Sadly in both cases the children had issues from difficult early years, the couples were given no support at all and one of the couples actually had a nervous breakdown. All children went back to Foster care. It's an absolutely awful process with little support from what I can see. My heart broke for my friends who so desperately wanted to be parents.

But to be responsible for a child that I'm not related too, I wouldn't want that

I’m very much related to my children.

[quote adoptionthoughts]@Echobelly agree which is why I'd be considering overseas only. I don't think I would want the UK processes.

Admittedly as some posters mention yes I do need to do much more research and I've also committed to waiting another five years to do this - to give myself time to research and decide if it's still something I would like to do.

I'm not considering going to the adoption agency tomorrow! [/quote]
As i understand it, if you live in the Uk, the adoption process is similar (although private, ie requiring fees) to the process of adopting a UK child. www.gov.uk/child-adoption/adopting-a-child-from-overseas
www.gov.uk/child-adoption/adopting-a-child-from-overseas

Very thought-provoking thread. I take my hat off to anyone who has adopted a child. My husband and I agreed 30 years ago that adoption was not an option for us. Even then it was clear that the children being adopted had had a very difficult start in life and would need exceptional people to become their new parents. We knew we weren't in that category. Children who've had to be removed from their birth families deserve the absolute best possible new families. It's a disgrace that so little support is given to adoptive families.

It is of course also a national disgrace, and a huge false economy, that CAMHS is so underfunded and overstretched.

I always thought I would be able to but now I've had my own (not planned) children I know full well that I wouldn't be able to manage it. We have family friends who have adopted and they are utter heroes. The children are thriving but noone knows what the future holds for them. Bio mum has since deceased and both children born addicted to heroin.
Adoption is a very difficult and special process and I take my hat off to those who get through it and support their children so well.

@Widgets your disdain for the birth patents is painfully clear. I just hope your children don’t pick up on it.

I answer as an adoptive mum of two wonderful children…

There are no perfect babies to adopt. And even small babies can bring with them trauma from feral alcohol syndrome, domestic violence inutero etc.

It’s very high bar for children to be removed, they come with a first life, which wasn’t a nice one. You have to accept it and work with it. They don’t “forget” their first life, the impact of it is imprinted in them, regardless of age.

It’s the best thing I ever did, but this post is written by someone who is yet to know the highs and lows of adoption.

@Jessie75

Somebody I know very well was adopted with her brother when they were just toddlers and the life they have put their adoptive parents through you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy, very troubled children even though they were removed early on for the right reasons. it was interesting from a nature versus nurture perspective but actually the children who stayed with the bio parents have had better outcomes .

There a a very good reason for that.

Everyone needs to know where they come from and to be able to tap into it when they choose, it is vital to well-being.

That is why closed adoptions are so fraught. Open adoptions ie where the
bio parents are involved in choosing adoptive parents and stay involved in the child's life, have a much higher success rate.

People need to know where they come from no matter what the circumstances.

There is a lot of assumptions on this thread, some true some not, some exaggerated, but it’s frustrates me as this is why people won’t adopt, they read misleading information and think that ALL adopted children are the same. I’m not saying there are some with ‘issues’ but there’s also a lot without!

The process for us wasn’t brutal or gruelling at all, it took 8-9 months to be approved, not the 2 years a poster suggested. We were then matched 2 weeks later with a 4 month old.
Yes, they ask a lot of questions, look into your finances, your medical history, your family, your relationship etc, but they’re responsible for deciding if they are comfortable essentially giving you a human being. Of course it should be intrusive. But for us it was a process, paperwork, and it was pretty simple. And you don’t have to be well off to adopt.

We didn’t have to spend loads of money on books or show we had read any. I did about 4 hours volunteering at a school. We were not asked some of the questions others seem to have.

Babies are available, it generally depends on area. We adopted a 4 month old, and our social worker said they had ‘loads of babies’ that would be coming up for adoption over the next few months.

Our now 4 year old has no issues, is bright, funny, caring and advanced for their age. We have always talked openly about the fact they’re adopted. Right now they’re too young to understand fully, but when they’ve said ‘I grew in your tummy, Mummy, didn’t I!’ I tell them that they didn’t, that they grew in someone else’s tummy but they couldn’t look after them, so me and Daddy said we could! And after a ‘Oh, okay’ back to eating cornflakes!
We’re also in touch with their younger half sibling, and meet every couple of months, along with half siblings two Mummies. Our child know they have a sibling, and that sibling has two Mummies. For us it’s teaching them that there are lots of different types of families but all are ‘normal’.

Have we been ‘lucky’? I don’t know. But they say it’s about nature and nurture, and our 4 year old was born with their birth parents genes, but we will ‘make’ them into the person they become.
Our child could also have ‘problems’ as they grow, but so could a birth child! Our nephew has had a lot of issues and operations from 18m old, he is my SiL’s biological child.
You love a child and accept them, whether that’s adopted or biological, as you’re their parent.

@WorraLiberty

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk).

You'd likely want a very small baby, would you?

How many very small babies do you think are up for adoption, compared to older children who's lives have been fucked up by trauma?

This. But also the fact that babies who are removed at birth have often been as traumatised if not more than toddlers/older children. If the local authority has already planned for removal at birth with an adoption plan you can bet the mother has one or more of the following which can all impact on your 'perfect little baby' idea:

1. Learning disabilities so severe they are unable to care for their children themselves (many parents with LD do a great or certainly good enough job. This mother will not be in the 'give her a chance' group)

2. Alcohol abuse during pregnancy leading to Foetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS. Google it. The outcomes are poor)

3. Drug abuse during pregnancy leading to developmental disabilities for the baby. Resulting in life long struggles for the child and its parents.

All these children need adopting and given a better life than their birth parents could give them. But please don't be the person who has a saviour complex and metaphorically goes into the abandoned animals centre, walking past the less cute older dogs with issues to adopt a perfect little puppy.