To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

I would have considered it had I not already had my biological DD, but now that she’s here I have to put her first, and I can’t see how it would be in her best interests to share me with a child who’s likely to have a much higher level of need and a totally different style of parenting.

@CHEM20 Lambeth, in 2015.

Obviously I can only tell you what we were told by social services, as we didn’t proceed. But that is certainly what they led us to believe. If it was not possible to maintain contact with the parents, certainly with grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins, to prevent the children from losing touch with their culture.

Like I say, I can see why they feel that way, and why it is best for the children, without wanting to facilitate it myself.

We adopted many years ago,the first child was 7 been in care a long while was forgotten about by SS it seems.The process was really hard but we were hopeful that we could cope .We were told so little about the past but alcohol was involved.We had no help at all from social workers left to get on with it although told we would.It didn’t end well,he was so damaged that they admitted they should have been in residential care.The second was a baby all appeared to be going well at the beginning but as time went on it was apparent there were severe problems.Would we do it again very doubtful the stress was dreadful.I wish you well.

I would but my partner says he would find it hard/impossible to bond. Tbh he's struggled to bond with our biological children at times so I think he's right.

Both partners need to be 100% which is probably why most don't.

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits. well, as they say beauty comes from within, I think based on that post that attractive isn’t one of the traits you can claim to have.

This is really interesting. I've been thinking about fostering an older teen or possibly siblings, and wonder if anyone has any insights? I live in US, and have a mostly happy marriage, and we are relatively financially stable. We have our own house, and 3 spare rooms as my kids are older and have left home. It's also a town with a really good school (and school bus service).

I am just exploring this, as I don't know if the reason I'm going into it is a good one. With my kids out of the home I think it would be nice to help out someone less fortunate (not looking for or expecting gratitude). I am open to a loving long term relationship with them, but a friendship is just fine too. I think my husband would be good with them, he is pragmatic about what teens are like. We have had an exchange student before for 6 months when my kids were home, which went well.

The reason I would prefer them to be a teen is so that they are reasonably independent as I have a fixed work schedule 3 days a week (one weekend day, and 2 weekdays), and then am a freelance instructor with lessons at odd times the other 4 days of the week. Those 3 days are really intensive though, and I would be out of the house most of the day. The rest of the time I could give them a lot more attention (and instruct them in a racquet sport...)

My husband works from home, but while he would be friendly and hospitable I don't think he would be like a dad to the teen.

Is this something that might work out for a troubled teen? Or do they need a lot more hands on attention? I saw a post by someone who wished they had not been adopted, can't find it now.

Would this have been a better alternative? The teen would have lots of space, their own bathroom, could have friends over, would have cooked evening meals, not always at the same time, breakfasts and lunches more adhoc and help yourself. We wouldn't have huge expectations, just general cleanliness. We would support them in activities, and play board games sometimes and I do often slob out to watch tv in the evenings as tired from coaching and happy to have company.

Am I an idiot for thinking this could work?

Even if you adopt from abroad, you still need to be approved by your local authority in order to finalise the adoption, except you pay for it. Still jumping through all the same hoops and to the tune of about £30k for an international adoption.
I have always wanted to adopt, but now have seen too many failed adoptions that I've been scared off. If I was a stronger person and had more time and resources then maybe but I work, have two children, and don't know I'd be able to be a therapeutic parent 24/7

Anybody else seeing a future AIBU post in the making on this thread?

AIBU to think I've always been a disappointment to my 'D'M? She is very proud of the fact that she and my DF are better looking and more intelligent than average, and so are my younger siblings, but I am neither. I don't think I actually frighten the horses, but my looks are nothing to write home about. I did all right at school, but nothing out of the ordinary, and I have a very ordinary job. She doesn't say anything but I know she expected better of me. It's so obvious from the way she talks about my sister and brother. I sometimes feel that all the positive things about me, and there are some, count for nothing.

I think it's great if you are considering adoption, I know a couple of couples who have and also another couple who tried but the process was too difficult. The 2 couples that adopted couldn't have kids, the other couple are lesbians, they have decided to go down the ivf route as it's easier than adopting believe it or not.

Personally I wouldn't, I was very lucky I had children very easily, I just wouldn't want children not biologically mine (as harsh as that sounds), its hard enough parenting children who are yours and you've given them the very best start possible. I couldn't imagine raising a child with issues either relating to before they were born or trauma in early childhood. It's not for me, but I take my hat off to anyone who takes on an adopted child it's an amazing thing to do.

@DickMabutt73962

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

I can't believe you said that out loud.

Also, Brangelina's bio kids aren't exactly replicas of their parents, they all look like John Voight

Probably because Angelina looks remarkably like her Dad, and IMO Shiloh is the spit of her and Brad!

I think a lot of people would think similarly to DickMabutt73962.

@CHEM20

the social worker leading our information seminar was very clear that they expected almost all adoptions to be open adoptions, and suggested inviting the birth family to weekly family meals, allowing the birth grandparents regular ongoing access etc

In the UK?

That kind of arrangement (face to face contact with birth family) is vanishingly rare in this country.

I am an adoptive parent who has regular, ongoing direct contact with a birth parent of one of my two adoptive children. I’m an experienced adopter (14 years in now) and the benefits of the face-to-face meet-ups are manifold for each of us involved in the adoption triangle.

I think you’re being very naive. A lot of these children have had very bad adverse early childhood experiences, many have missed the early building blocks which are vital to development, many have been exposed to trauma, domestic violence, drug and alcohol misuse. Many have emotional developmental delays and issues. These are often not shiny happy children, they can be very damaged.

I admire anyone with enough courage to adopt a child. The process is invasive and thorough for a very good reason.

I've not read the full thread so forgive me if this has already been discussed but can a single person adopt, or is it only an option for couples?

Your thought process is a bit naive but not uncommon. Adoption is a beautiful and amazing thing but by no means easy. Fundamentally it's a process based on trauma and loss for all involved. Loss for the child of their own flesh and blood and the primal bond that comes with this (whatever their age) and ever more complicated losses if they're adopted later in life. Loss for the birth parents and often horrific backgrounds which however much adoption is shielding their child from this the child is going to have to come to terms with at some point. Loss for the adoptive parent of their own fertility and likely their own ideas about what being a parent and family life is really going to be like.

On top of this, people's naivity comes from a fundamental lack of understanding about trauma and how a child's brain develops. Trauma and loss in the early years of brain development can have severe and permanent effects literally on how their brain develops and this starts in utero. For example, a large part of the most reactive 'fight or flight' part of the brain develops in the womb so if (for example) that baby's birth mum has experienced domestic violence then chances are this will lead to baby's brain developing a heightened 'fight or flight' response. I would recommend you google harlow's monkeys and attachment theory for a more in depth explaination of what I'm trying to explain.

In addition to this you are heavily scrutinised by social services (not without reason) before you are even allowed to adopt and once you bring the child into your home the scrutiny continues for several months/years before the child is legally adopted by you. Unexpected things can show up which make this even more stressful and complicated. Birth parents almost always appeal adoption orders for a start. For us during placement with our child it transpired that a secondary family member was under caution by the police for some awful crimes. We literally didn't have a clue about this until social workers came knocking on our door. Nevertheless they scrutinised us to the bone and we spent weeks being made to feel like we were lying to them and terrified that our daughter would be removed back into the care system. Happy ending thank goodness as we eventually were granted her adoption order.

I'm not saying this to put you off. Despite the hurdles we faced with our adoption order I'd do it again in a heartbeat. However, I'm trying to give you as clear and honest an account of what adoption involves so that if you do go ahead you're fully informed. Good luck whatever you decide x

@okeydokeywokeyblokey, I have thought about going for approval to foster 'troubled teens' for respite periods (eg during a family crisis) but my health isn't really up to it.

Sounds like you have a good set-up.

@RestingMurderousFace

I've not read the full thread so forgive me if this has already been discussed but can a single person adopt, or is it only an option for couples?

Yes they can, I adopted my son as a single parent, obviously they need to have a slightly more reliable support network etc.

Sorry I should have said that I know 'troubled teens' is a crap expression, but it's how DP and I have been described in the past, especially DP.

I am an adoptive parent who has regular, ongoing direct contact with a birth parent of one of my two adoptive children. I’m an experienced adopter (14 years in now) and the benefits of the face-to-face meet-ups are manifold for each of us involved in the adoption triangle

Yes, I’m aware such direct contact arrangements do exist. But as I say, they are rare (I know of one family - and now you - with such arrangements and I know a lot of adoptive families).

I’m certainly surprised to hear that - at an information evening - the info being given out that this was the default arrangement.

What’s stopped me? Truthfully:

I work with lots of kids with childhood trauma and see the day to day impact it has on their life, the struggles, the behaviour, I find this very emotionally draining and I’m their teacher, I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if this was my own child that I love.

Why does hardly anyone do it?

It's not true that hardly anyone does it. Maybe hardly anyone you know does it. Of course plenty of people adopt. I think what many people fail to realise is adoptive families generally don't advertise themselves as such. They are among us, you just haven't noticed them. My colleagues, neighbours, fellow school mums etc would not have the first idea that my son is adopted.

It's not the first time I've seen the question of 'what are the reasons not to adopt' posed to people who don't know about adoption. I honestly can't see how it would help you and your situation when a lot of what you're being told is just what people have picked up from the tabloids or heard third hand. If you're genuinely interested in adoption why wouldn't you head over to the adoption board to find out what it's really like?

Its naive but not uncommon. Like a hell of a lot of peoples uneducated opinions.

Adoption a child should be done because the peoe involved WANT to and can do. Not a way of distributing spare kids to the childless.
As for adopting from abroad??? Which country? Its an absolute minefield. Babyfarms are a huge issue. Poverty forcing people to relinquish children so rich westerners can basically buy them.

Until the mid 1970’s unmarried mothers were still often encouraged and even coerced into giving up their children for adoption, so you did get small healthy babies available. The process was also probably a lot less vigorous

well yes, but the adoption process was indeed a lot less vigorous and by goodness, so was the fostering assessment. It led to shall we say patchy environments for the fostered/adopted kid. Fundamentally the change of care givers over and over can be deeply damaging for some children and lead to life-long effects too, even if they are good care givers.

The whole system in the UK is insane and utterly neglectful. If the Government wanted to look after unwanted kids well, they'd provide more and consistent pre-birth maternal support, they'd provide better support between the decision to adopt and the foster/adoptive parents and they'd provide infinitely better post-adoption support.

I wish unwanted children were afforded more respect and care and humanity, even seen as a valuable resource other than just 'sink or swim no matter what'. When the child is pushed from pillar to post and then once adopted, utterly forgotten by SS (who may have concealed the facts anyway or not known them) and other agencies - that's not putting the child first.

[quote Changechangychange]@CHEM20 Lambeth, in 2015.

Obviously I can only tell you what we were told by social services, as we didn’t proceed. But that is certainly what they led us to believe. If it was not possible to maintain contact with the parents, certainly with grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins, to prevent the children from losing touch with their culture.

Like I say, I can see why they feel that way, and why it is best for the children, without wanting to facilitate it myself.[/quote]
@Changechangychange

I would strongly argue regular ongoing direct contact with birth relatives is usually not in the best interest of adopted children.

Indirect contact, via letter from adoptive parents to birth parents and vice versa, (as happens in most adoptions), absolutely yes.

You may not be interested in adoption anymore but if you still are, I would suggest it’s worth approaching other LA’s or VA’s. Not all will share the same policy around direct contact.

My friend and her DH tried to adopt but failed the screening process as he was overweight. It sounds really quite hard and gruelling.

@Wannakisstheteacher we have actually tried to stay in non physical contact y with birth family via post box, which is a system set up via adoption support. However we have never received a reply, from birth family members ever.
So I hope my children do pick up on the fact that we really tried (all copies of letters saved)