To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

I am convinced after hearing what it is like, that the adoption process is designed to weed out those too weak to deal with the realities of the child they will be given and frighten the living shit out of them. Of a group of ten couples, my friend and her husband were one of only two who went on to actually adopt.

Yes I agree. They will want to weed out those who are less than wholehearted about it or seeing it through rose tinted specs.

Even in previous eras where babies were relinquished by single mums with no health issues, the babies have often had longstanding emotional problems. The stories of people adopted in the 50s and 60s trying to make contact with their birth mothers later in life are often extremely sad and harrowing.

By the 1980s there were already very few young babies put up for adoption without significant problems. My parents knew two families very well who both adopted small babies during that time. Both children initially seemed to settle well, but later developed serious behavioural, social and mental health issues. In one case it became clear much later on that the child had been affected by FAS, and there were serious behavioural issues ending up in prison. In the other, the child developed serious mental health problems in his teens, and is now in a mental health hospital with severe schizophrenia.

In both cases - hugely sad as the adopted parents were highly committed and lovely people, and in each case had at least one biological child as well - it was only later clear that there were inherited medical and mental health problems that they could not have anticipated and which caused huge trauma to the families and children.

Adoption is a difficult, traumatic, bumpy process which often breaks down. Adopting a small baby is incredibly difficult, and it very naive to think that by doing so you avoid trauma, abandonment and inherited health issues.

I’m full of admiration for those who can do it, but it’s not by any means easy or straightforward, OP.

We adopted a sibling group of 4 and have 3 natural children. The youngest adopted girl lies, steals from us and is continually in a fit of rage for something trivial with some luckless person. Nothing is ever her fault and she is unable to hold down a job for more than a few weeks and has no long term friends . She rewrites history on a regular basis and becomes bitter and spiteful when called out. Counselling has achieved nothing. The other 6 are fine - normal ups and downs. My friend has 7 natural children and all of them are unpleasant entitled jerks. Adopt or natural - always a gamble. And the idea that a small baby has escaped trauma is misleading - at least with older children you may have some idea of how things are likely to go. But on paper the youngest child looked fairly untroubled and the eldest had severe behaviour issues (he was violent and disturbed). Yet now he is in a stable relationship, is settled into a job where he is making steady progress and is relaxed and happy. So, imagine we had only adopted one - if it had been the youngest I would be warning you to prepare for future problems and decide how you will support an abusive dishonest adult who you really love but who cannot be trusted not to steal from you or spread dangerous lies. If it had been the eldest I would be saying that however bleak things may look hang in there because love and boundaries can work miracles. Not much help am I?

[quote adoptionthoughts]@Echobelly agree which is why I'd be considering overseas only. I don't think I would want the UK processes.

Admittedly as some posters mention yes I do need to do much more research and I've also committed to waiting another five years to do this - to give myself time to research and decide if it's still something I would like to do.

I'm not considering going to the adoption agency tomorrow! [/quote]
You don’t want to go through the UK process, so you want to adopt from abroad which means going through that countries process and the UKs process…

And if you are thinking of adopting from overseas, OP, you are even less likely to find out if there are suspected issues with syndromes like FAS, or potentially heritable genetic, physical or mental health issues. The U.K. processes are there for a reason.

I do agree with you in a lot of ways OP, especially in the case of multiple children families - those with 3 kids for example, why not have two bio and adopt one?

But then you do also sound incredibly naive. It’s not like it is in American films or TV programmes. It’s long, arduous and invasive. People might not pass the checks. Also most people would probably prefer a baby.

Think about what you’re saying, and do a bit of reading or educate yourself just a little bit.

@Echobelly agree which is why I'd be considering overseas only. I don't think I would want the UK processes.

Even to adopt overseas you will still have to go through the UK vetting processes and you will have to pay for it yourself. It can cost several thousand pounds.

My friend has spent years trying to adopt . Apparently most of the kids that are slightly older (5+) have been sexually or physically abused ( according to friend ) , and they understandably come with lots of behaviour problems . It’s a really hard process , but it’s wonderful to see the kids adapt to their new safe home . Everyone wants to adopt babies but it is too popular so therefore going for older kids is an easier option . I’m no expert though, this is only the information I get from my friend .

Personally I think it’s too challenging for me . And that’s why I’d prefer to have my own kids . I have Huge respect for people that do it 🤝

And that’s why I’d prefer to have my own kids

Adoptive parents have their own kids.

@godmum56 it was exactly that which put us off - the social worker leading our information seminar was very clear that they expected almost all adoptions to be open adoptions, and suggested inviting the birth family to weekly family meals, allowing the birth grandparents regular ongoing access etc. This was shortly after explaining exactly how chaotic and difficult most birth families are (drug and alcohol addiction, severe mental health problems, cycles of abuse etc).

I know service users via work who have had children removed at birth, and they are not people I would want coming round to my house for dinner every week. I certainly would not want them coming round if they already had a grudge against me for “stealing their children”.

I can absolutely see the benefits for the children, and why SS insist on it, but it must be an absolute nightmare for the adoptive parents.

Personally I think it’s too challenging for me . And that’s why I’d prefer to have my own kids . I have Huge respect for people that do it

The common misconception that adopted children aren’t their adoptive parents own children is another reason many don’t adopt.

We got some way into the process, to the point of our DCs being interviewed, home visits etc.

TBH, the SWs do their best to put you off - same with fostering.
We weren't given m/any positive stories. It was all about what can and does go wrong.

I admire adoptive parents with all my heart. But it is not an alternative to having your own child

Another example. From someone who apparently works in Children’s social care.

My SIL doesn't think she can have children (hasn't tried, just decided she can't) and I asked her about adoption and she said she thinks adopting is rubbing it in her face that she can't have kids, she doesn't want a child there when she can't have them but everyone's different and I know it's a lot of time and money sadly

in the case of multiple children families - those with 3 kids for example, why not have two bio and adopt one?

I think that’s very naïve too!

SmaugMum, please feel free. You’re right, I’m a VS Head. I would say the biggest difficulty in my job is trying to get schools to understand that an adopted child or one in a stable foster placement still has difficulties as a result of trauma that are potentially life-long. Schools like to think they are inclusive but it’s sadly not always the case, as you will know.

the social worker leading our information seminar was very clear that they expected almost all adoptions to be open adoptions, and suggested inviting the birth family to weekly family meals, allowing the birth grandparents regular ongoing access etc

In the UK?

That kind of arrangement (face to face contact with birth family) is vanishingly rare in this country.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma

Yes, you sound very, very niaive. ALL adopted children come from trauma. Without exception. And babies are not at less risk of that trauma impacting them long term in any way shape or form.

I've thought about it too - the thing that stops me is that every adopted child I know of has had serious attachment issues, resulting in serious problems in later life (addictions, struggles in holding down jobs, seeking out their biological family who turn them against their adopted parents etc..) I also know a few people with adopted siblings who have a lot of resentment towards their parents due to most of the attention being put on their adopted sibling growing up, and who struggle in their relationship with their adopted sibling due to how their parents have been treated by them. If this was a rarity I wouldn't pay much heed to it, but I know several families where this is the case.

I’d rather foster.

CHEM20, I apologise for causing offence. That was not my intention as I hope the rest of my post made clear. I meant a parent’s biological child. Of course adoptive children are yours.

A member of my family has adopted small babies through a UK system called concurrent planning where it starts as fostering and then (if all goes to plan) you adopt the same baby. It's not a given though - although any babies have to be unlikely to stay with the (extended) birth family, judges dealing with the adoption may take a different view (they never know that the babies are part of a concurrent plan).

Having said that, the family member (who adopted as a single mother) is not finding it easy or tbh, rewarding. She's overwhelmed and exhausted but the issues she's facing could also have happened with a birth child and the adoptive parents personality will also play a part - some want to make their children's lives perfect and that's a huge/impossible ask of themselves.

[quote Changechangychange]@godmum56 it was exactly that which put us off - the social worker leading our information seminar was very clear that they expected almost all adoptions to be open adoptions, and suggested inviting the birth family to weekly family meals, allowing the birth grandparents regular ongoing access etc. This was shortly after explaining exactly how chaotic and difficult most birth families are (drug and alcohol addiction, severe mental health problems, cycles of abuse etc).

I know service users via work who have had children removed at birth, and they are not people I would want coming round to my house for dinner every week. I certainly would not want them coming round if they already had a grudge against me for “stealing their children”.

I can absolutely see the benefits for the children, and why SS insist on it, but it must be an absolute nightmare for the adoptive parents.[/quote]
My DF fostered for a while and always said it was the contact with birth families that was the hardest thing to manage. I have another friend who has adopted and whose DC has twice-yearly contact with their origin family, in practice that's two months of really unsettled behaviour leading up to their visit followed by two months of really unsettled behaviour post-visit. It doesn't help the DC at all.

@PurpleDaisies

Anyone get the distinct impression the op isn’t really listening to anyone saying anything negative?

Be defiantly listened to the negative comments actually. I haven't been able to respond to every post on here.

Also, the negative comments are making me rethink the whole thing so I'm not trying to ignore them at all.

And I still haven't dealt with TTC and the inability too which is why I actually aware I'm not ready - hence why I said it would be after five years, if at all.

I also understand it isn't a consolation prize for not being able to conceive and actually I have always said I would more likely consider adoption if I already had my own biological children.

The fact I may not be able to have them actually makes adoption less appealing which is why I'm on a mental road map to this potential option and it's very early days.

Sigh, it’s really not like it was when I was a child when there were plenty of very young babies to adopt because unmarried pregnancy carried such a stigma and there wasn’t any realistic way a single mother could keep her child.

As well as all the posts above, friends of ours dropped out as the acceptance process was so long and intrusive and they thought they would be better accepting being childless and staying strong together. Another friend from the same circle did adopt a lovely little boy but the last five years have been very very difficult and he is still a very damaged young boy and they have had to work very hard to get where they are. He improves every year but they know they are in it for the long haul.