To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

@StrifeOfBath

Having been alongside 3 good friends who have adopted, I feel strongly that more children should be removed from more parents much more quickly.

All my friends adopted 2 and 3 year olds who had had SS involvement from before birth; drug issues, violent partners, successive previous children taken into care etc etc. Before adoption these babies variously spent time with catastrophically negligent parenting, a string of foster placements, futile ‘second chances’ or open fostering before finally settling with foster parents during a lengthy court and then adoption process to finally arrive at their permanent home.

All have significant issues with attachment disorder, or health issues as a result of negligence or other problems. They were upset to leave a stable foster home at almost 3, and have grown up with waves of different emotional problems.

All have sensitive and steadfast loving parenting by my friends, but it hasn’t been a journey to romanticise.

We shouldn’t pussyfoot around so long. They need to be settled earlier.

@StrifeOfBath - I totally agree with you.

@PurpleDaisies

Anyone get the distinct impression the op isn’t really listening to anyone saying anything negative?

Yes!!! OP is being naive. Adopted children end up with abandoment issues which become apparent in their teens. Some can deal with the ok however others end up with behavioural issues and end up in and out of the mental health services. Its very sad really.

My friend and her wife have just been through the process of adopting a child.

The screening took ages, was very very difficult and had multiple stages for them to pass. Almost all the children were older and had significant past trauma. My friend and her wife are a very stable, laidback couple, and even so, they adopted a pair of siblings and the adoption of the older child broke down - really sad for all concerned but sadly unavoidable.

I think you maybe need to do some more research or reading on the realities of adoption. It’s not like it used to be.

My cousin adopted two gorgeous girls aged 1 and 3 from a chaotic family. The now 25 year old has been in a psychiatric unit for 6 years and is unlikely to be leaving. The younger one is very vulnerable. Another friend adopted a 7 month old who at 15 is uncontrollable, always in and out of police custody. Those early years affect so much.

Cost/time. I wanted my own child and cannot afford to raise two children.

Once ds has left home and I retire, I may consider fostering.

DH and I seriously considered it when it became obvious that TTC wasn’t working for us. We have had no fertility tests as we knew we didn’t want treatment, and would have given up TTC/used contraception if we had followed the adoption route. We did a lot of reading and decided it wasn’t for us, for the following reasons:

• We both work full time, and although one of us would have reduced hours for a biological child, we couldn’t have afforded for one of us to give up work entirely if an adopted child required it. We would need to rely on family and/or childcare, which may not be the best thing for a child dealing with attachment issues.

• Although we are financially comfortable, it would have been a stretch for one of us to take the 12 months required adoption leave. We would have been looking at 9 months for maternity/shared parental leave for a biological child.

• We were concerned about the intrusiveness of the process, and how it would affect our family. There are 2 separate incidences of a SS being involved with children in our family, and them now being raised by family members other than their parents. I don’t know whether any of this would rule us out, but it would definitely mean a lot of questions, and probably assurances that some family members would not be involved.

• We were concerned about references. We have a lot to do with kids in our family, but very little to do with friend’s kids, and we don’t have a lot of really close friends. Didn’t know who we could pick who would be appropriate.

• We know that we would need to volunteer, as although we have plenty of experience caring for nieces and nephews, family doesn’t count as experience with kids so we’d have to find time on top of our full time jobs to fit in something else.

• For me in particular, I was concerned about putting so much time and effort into applying, and then failing. I’m not sure I would cope.

Neither of us would have had a problem bonding with a child not related to us by blood and having a biological child was not important to us. We also would have done all that we could to be prepared to deal with trauma from past experiences, and although we would have wanted a young child, it wouldn’t have been important that it was a baby. All of the points above made us decide not to pursue it though. We never did successfully TTC and still don’t want fertility treatment, so deciding not to adopt is basically deciding to remain child free for us. Sorry, quite a long answer, but it is something I’ve put a lot of thought into.

DS1 is adopted, but previously he was my stepson and his birth mum opted out - so it’s a different situation completely. We didn’t have to go through the screening and matching process as if we were seeking to be matched with a child.

DS1 is very laidback and doesn’t have abandonment issues, but I was expecting that he would.

I thought the same as you OP until my friend adopted. After seeing her and her husband go through the adoption process I knew for sure I couldn't do it.

It is a brutal and invasive process. The stress from the years of jumping through hoops and turning the most intimate details of your lives over to social services is unbelievable. The ups and downs, the disappointment, the waiting, it's a huge undertaking. The children are all understandably from traumatic backgrounds and most often have severe difficulties. Adoption is not what is was many years ago when my great aunt adopted a newborn from a young mother who gave her child up. I am convinced after hearing what it is like, that the adoption process is designed to weed out those too weak to deal with the realities of the child they will be given and frighten the living shit out of them. Of a group of ten couples, my friend and her husband were one of only two who went on to actually adopt.

You are being naive OP. I was naive too. I'd rather go through the pain of labour a million times over again than the adoption process. Hats off to anyone with the strength to do it. Most people nowadays haven't the faintest clue what adoption actually means.

*This seems like a strange post. Intelligence and good looks aren't the most important things in life and they don't define someone's worth.

What about people who are neither good looking or intelligent? Do they usually decide not to have children as a result?*

Is it really that strange?
I dont know how other people make their decisions, but people do decide not to have biological children for all sorts of genetic reasons, and people often want an attractive partner for their children.
Peoe searching for sperm donors and (simple) surrogates often have requirements about intelligence and appearances of the donor or surrogate.
People with intellectual differences and disabilities are encoraged to have " counselling" before having a family.

Its not always a case of " a kid is a kid and theyre all much the same" Nature playd a huge role, not just nurture.

As for me, my kids might all be mental but at least theyre not ugly. That can smooth lifes path in life quite a lot (rightly or wrongly).

I dont think i would struggle to love someone elses child though
If it was a simpler process with better support then id have considered it.

Im just saying that its not that unusual to want your kids to have your genes. In fact its most peoples main reason for procreating

OP, that you so blithely threw in the part about overseas adoption and have ignored all the comments about trauma and attachment show you haven't really thought this through.

It's not the 50s/60s any more - a good handful of my mum's friends (and my mum) were adopted as babies, and their birth mothers were all very young, unmarried women. It was a socially acceptable way to 'deal' with unwanted pregnancy. Now, the stigma around being unmarried and young while pregnant isn't as strong, and young women generally have better access to/information about abortion - so if they find themselves pregnant they can either terminate, or keep their baby without the fear of being judged (or, not as much, anyway). So there are far, far fewer babies available for adoption - and as PPs have said, most of the children being adopted now are older and have considerable trauma to contend with. Not that these children shouldn't be adopted - they absolutely deserve loving parents and I take my hat off to those who adopt - but if you can't see how parenting a child who has significant trauma and the sheer gulf left in a child's life when they are removed from their birth family (no matter how awful they may seem to an outsider) could be enormously challenging and not as simple as 'giving them a good life', you're deluded.

Add to that the issue of removing a child from their heritage and birth country and raising them in a way that allows them to properly connect with that heritage (this piece on the trauma of transracial adoption shares a lot of sentiments I've seen echoed elsewhere)...

I'm not saying don't, I'm saying do some proper research first and be prepared for your entire life to change and not 'just' in the way it would if you have a biological child.

I agree with those posters saying the threshold for removal from parents is too high. Catastrophic damage is already done. But then there aren’t enough homes for these children to go to so it’s a vicious circle.

I don’t know what the answer is - a shame parents who conceive naturally don’t get the same level of intense screening as those who adopt .

I have no real experience so who am I to say. But as a biological mum to disabled/ sen children who have been born into a loving and stable home and dealing with children disability socail care and the SEN education system, theres no way I would get enough support.

The reality vs imagined help is very different. You could take on a toddler who has had massive trauma either from fostering and bonding or abuse by biological parents. You would presume there would be lots of help and support waiting for you. I think from.mmy experience with adoptive parents of SEN children, you would be very much on your own

I know three couples who have adopted and something that hasn't been mentioned here is dealing with the biological parents. In two cases, the mother still had access and in one case the mother was allowed to visit the child in the adopters home. In both cases the adoptive parents had a lot of problems with the mothers, abusive phonecalls, begging for money and so on. In one case there was also an abusive father in the background. The adoptive parents go to great lengths to not allow the father to know where the child is as he had turned up at the foster parents and made threats previously. The third parents are in the US and I don't know them IRL. They adopted from abroad and the brother and sister they adopted came with horrific attachment issues. She would come on social media (very private group) for support and to let off steam. The last i heard was that things were finally coming good for the children but she stopped posting as she felt it was unfair as the children got older. The last adoption failed sadly. No one's fault but the match didn't work and the child developed stress related illnesses.

We have never gone down the adoption route for our second due to the fact that we still rent our home. And we supported friends through the adoption process and it was gruelling, intrusive and financially draining

I have a biological child with significant mental illness. It was hell in earth for 3 years until we finally got the help he needed. But it's never going to go away. It's also something that wouldn't be clear when adopting. I don't think to expect sunshine and roses

@GiantCheeseMonster

I work in Children’s Social Care - I’m not a social worker but I work with them and I oversee the education of children in care and adopted children, so I work very closely with them. A massive part of my job is trying to educate schools about the effects of trauma and poor attachment on this cohort of very vulnerable children. No child who is adopted has not experienced trauma. The nature of it and the impact might differ, but the principle is the same. Women in the UK do not give up babies at birth as an alternative to abortion as does happen in the US. The only children who are adopted are those who have to bs removed from birth parents, and who have no relatives available or suitable to become special guardians. They have spent time in the care system, and probably been fostered. The impact of the initial trauma plus changes in carers is huge and has life-long implications. And the threshold for permanent removal of children is very high. Most of them become looked after and go into either long-term foster care or are ultimately returned to birth parents if improvements are made. For a judge to agree to permanent removal, a child has either experienced severe abuse, neglect, or has been born to a mother with a history of drug or alcohol abuse or significant mental health difficulties which mean she cannot safely care for a baby. So as well as the impact of attachment difficulties and trauma, many of these children also have foetal alcohol spectrum disorder or are born addicted to drugs. They are far more likely to have SEN than their peers.

I admire adoptive parents with all my heart. But it is not an alternative to having your own child. It is a very different undertaking and experience of parenthood. The adoptive parents I support in my job have to fight for so much. For their child’s needs to be recognised at school, for additional support, for an EHCP. They are awe-inspiring people.

OP, I would do some reading about attachment and trauma. Louise Bomber’s books are a good place to start.

Hi @GiantCheeseMonster, single adoptive parent of two here, your first paragraph is THE best simple explanation of the reality of contemporary adoption I have ever read. I’m going to copy it and cut and paste it every time (and working in Virtual School, as I believe you do, you will appreciate that these occasions are very many) I have to deal with a teacher or other professional who believes that adoption is the happy-ever-after ending for a trauma and care-experienced child.

Friends of mine were approved as potential adopters after a demanding 18-month process. However, they found the matching process heart-breaking. They and another couple were short-listed as potential adopters for a particular child, but ultimately Social Services chose the other couple.

My friends described their experience of adoption as “horrific” and said they couldn’t put themselves through it again. They decided to try IVF instead, and were successful.

Friends son and partner adopted a baby.sadly he has so many health issues they are barred from adopting another despite the mother being a trained nurse. We are talking physical and mental issues.

The courses and assessments are exhausting. Most children have some special needs and /or attachment disorder. Speaking as an adoptive parent

We were considering it, and went to an adoption information session. We didn't proceed partly because I'm not convinced I would get accepted due to being overweight, and I can't face going through the ordeal of the process only for it to fail. I don't think I could cope with that after all of the other disappointments.

I understand why the process is so gruelling, because they need to make sure children are going to a safe suitable environment, but some of the expectations (such as the requirement to spend time volunteering) take a lot of time and seem a bit over the top and unnecessary

The threshhold for removal is quite high but the system still sets people up to fail. There are a lot of families that would benefit from long term and intensive support and even things like boarding schools would have better outcomes for many children than removal from parents especially if the child is wanted but the parents are terrible at it.
The thrrshold for removal is high because in most cases it is best for everyone involved that children arent removed unless actual abuse is involved

The overseas adoption industry is rife with exploitation and dodgy goings on.

You're thinking of this like adopting a pet - but it's not an animal you're talking about, but a human. There are incredibly huge differences.

It's probably fiction, although it says based on a true story, but have a read of "A long way from home" by Cathy Glass. Also read some of the stuff that Lumos is putting out there about orphanages, if you're genuinely interested in overseas adoption. These are both good starting places to see what kinds of problems you might experience in this area.

(I have not read all 300 posts. Sorry if repeating.)

@Echobelly agree which is why I'd be considering overseas only. I don't think I would want the UK processes.

Admittedly as some posters mention yes I do need to do much more research and I've also committed to waiting another five years to do this - to give myself time to research and decide if it's still something I would like to do.

I'm not considering going to the adoption agency tomorrow!

My husbands cousin had to go through the adoption process. They had to have counselling and be interviewed multiple times. It took around 2.5 years! They didn't get a baby like they wanted, they were offered sisters 4&6 years old. There were issues that needed monitoring because of the mother. It wasn't plain sailing. Also when the father left prison, he began searching for them. They had to change their names.

My friend adopted 2 siblings in her second marriage after she couldn't have any more children herself & her new husband wanted children. Her husband then announced he didn't love her & left. She is left bringing up two children both with significant disabilities at an age when her birth children are both grown up & having children of their own. While she loves them had she known how much the disabilities & trauma from their birth parents have affected them she says she wouldn't do it if she had her time again.