To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

@SchadenfreudePersonified Exactly! My DSis was completely horrified at the idea that they would go and speak to her ex. She kept telling the SW that how could he possibly be even allowed an opinion on whether she'd be a good mother? He hadn't had children with her. He was violent, aggressive and spiteful and she had a restraining order against him. It was utterly ridiculous. The SW just kept smirking apparently and saying Well it looks as though there is a reason you don't want us to speak to your ex. It looks very suspicious that you won't agree to him being interviewed. Clearly he will bring up things that are damaging.

It was horrific. DSis's current husband put his foot down at this point and told the SW she should leave. They did complain and ask to change SW - but were told they couldn't have another one and that the woman was just doing her job. They'd put up with almost two years of dancing through hoops at this point but this was just the final straw.

It's a really difficult process. Adoptive parents have to jump through a lot of hoops to be accepted.
My cousin and her husband did adopt a child and she said that if biological parents had to go through the same process hardly anyone would have children.
The majority of children are older or /and have special needs. Babies rarely get put up for adoption. Think my cousins son was about 2 years old when they adopted him.
But I think the process puts people off and as you said it's very difficult because these children have already been through so much.

DH and I met when we both late 30's - we knew that we wanted to have children, that we wanted to be parents and we had done a great deal of research and reading around fostering, adoption, parenting etc. After a long time of TTC, with no luck, we agreed to pursue the adoption route once we were married.

We didn't adopt - I found out I was pregnant shortly before our wedding.

Why don't more people adopt?
Because it's not like it is on Friends. You don't get to pick up your child the second it is born.

Because the children who need to be adopted have experienced trauma. They are in Foster Care because their fundamental needs weren't being met by their birth family.

Because it is intrusive, tough and hugely emotional. I agree with a PP - the SW are working to establish whether or not you will be able to offer a child a safe and stable home, whether you can provide emotional support to a child who may be deeply troubled. They aren't just checking that you're nice people, they are trying to place a child with you.

Because, putting fertility issues to the side, it's easier to have your own child.

I might consider fostering but not adoption. I think fostering would also give me a better idea of what I might be taking on if I adopted a child.

Because the children come with additional challenges.

In our LA they won’t consider adopters who are TTC or struggling with infertility.
If you are having fettility treatment, they won’t consider you until a certain period has passed since your last one.

We tried to adopt and it was a very stressful journey which ultimately lead us to decide it wasn't right for us
We had hours and hours of phone calls assessments , they looked into our backgrounds ( including financial) DBS check etc they wanted references from friends and family etc

We had to go to parenting classes even though we both work with children ...
our house was inspected and our pets had to go to an animal behaviorist
It caused a lot of tears and extra stress and ultimately we pulled out as it just took its toll .

I have one biological child and one adopted child. Love my family but I wouldn't adopt again. Adoption in its current form is traumatic. The children are cut off from everything they know and their heritage. Given new identities and documents. Contact to try to maintain links is given no resources or thought. Support for those involved adoptees, adopters and birth families is inadequate and practically non existant. Whole thing needs reform.

A few years ago a friend of mine thought like you. Educated, articulate, own home, but suddenly she said she was overwhelmed by maternal instinct. (In the 20 odd years I'd known her at this point she had never expressed any interest in kids at all, she found occasional visits from her godkid overwhelming as it meant she had to tidy all her ornaments away...) So it was a bit of a bolt out of the blue, to say the least.

Apart from the godchild she had very little experience of being around children of any background, let alone those who've suffered trauma, like the child she eventually adopted, after six or seven agencies had turned her down. For her, it was the "acceptable" way (to her mother) to become a single mother as she didn't want to go down the having a biological child route (much too messy for the deep pile cream carpets and pristine home). She'd already sent one child, of a different ethnicity, back.

Despite the generous financial stipend, due to the child's compkex needs, and plenty of other support with activities, counselling, and from the school system, the eventual adoption didn't work out, to put it mildly. After a few years the child was taken back into care. My friend complained bitterly about the lack of support from social services and other agencies although as an observer, the child was getting four or five times the support all of the kids in my family were getting put together. (And yes there are some special needs amongst my relatives although nothing on the scale this adopted child has.) I'm not saying that out of begrudgery but just as an example of my friend's perceptions not necessarily being accurate; she also had an unbelievably unrealistic view of what family life is like, due in part to not having many directly lived examples to compare with her own situation.

My friend then went into therapy for years. And I mean years. She still hasn't really recovered.

On the other hand I have a few friends who were adopted as kids by families who knew what they were letting themselves in for, often they'd been fosterers, and they worked out well in the long term.

As an observer I would say think very very carefully about whether this really is the right choice for you. Don't underestimate the difficulties. And as others have said, the adoption board will give you at least some places to get more information.

I liked the idea of it , but I wouldn't pass the process I have a full time job , I wouldn't want to have a full year off work even after having biological DC.

The children are likely very traumatised there's the genetic element involved and things like FAS
.You are likely placed with an older child as it's not like the 1960s where unwed young mothers had to give their babies up (thank god !!) I wouldn't want to disrupt my DDs life with a child who could potentially have a lot of problems. Adopters are amazing and I'm not cut out to be one of them , I'm far too selfish.

@Pedalpushers

Someone in my family has gone through the process successfully and it is HARD. Loads of assessments, they look into your entire life, your extended family, everything. They had to move to a bigger house before they could be considered. They aren't allowed to move out of that house now for x years. The requirements even once you have the child are intense, they aren't really yours to do as you wish in the same way your biological children would be. They have restrictions on where they can and can't take their child based on their biological family, they have constant visitations from social workers, they have rules on who they can introduce their child to, what they can do with them etc. And they have a relatively issue-free little girl, she was over 3 when they adopted her, they wanted a baby as most do but the only options available for babies were those who came with older siblings as well. The whole process took them nearly 2 years.

And that's someone who was successful. My former coworker was rejected initially because as a couple, she used to be a teacher but her husband had no real childcare experience, and they said combined it wasn't enough. Her husband ended up volunteering with children's groups for 2 years before they could then proceed. She was also told that she had to lose weight before she could be considered and pass health tests.

I don't think that's true in the UK is it? Once you have legally adopted a child there are no additional "restrictions" on you compared to any other parent. Social services can't tell you where to live or who to introduce your child to (unless there are additional court orders in place for some reason?). Visits from social workers would usually be before the legal adoption takes place, when the child is still a "Looked After Child".

Your thought process would make more sense if you were in a culture like North America where it is considered acceptable for biological parents to choose adoptive parents from the moment of delivery. There are more babies available as a result. In the UK, we don't have a choice to choose adoptive parents and it's not seen as an acceptable choice that can be made from a place of responsibility and love. It's probably the case that far fewer babies are available to adopt for this reason, since relinquishing your child to the faceless social and having that defined by SS as abandonment is very different to choosing pre-approved parents who you feel comfortable will raise your child in a way you're content with.

I enquired the first time 20 years ago.

I was told I had to give an undertaking never to have biological children so could I please consider getting my tubes tied

I work in Children’s Social Care - I’m not a social worker but I work with them and I oversee the education of children in care and adopted children, so I work very closely with them. A massive part of my job is trying to educate schools about the effects of trauma and poor attachment on this cohort of very vulnerable children. No child who is adopted has not experienced trauma. The nature of it and the impact might differ, but the principle is the same. Women in the UK do not give up babies at birth as an alternative to abortion as does happen in the US. The only children who are adopted are those who have to bs removed from birth parents, and who have no relatives available or suitable to become special guardians. They have spent time in the care system, and probably been fostered. The impact of the initial trauma plus changes in carers is huge and has life-long implications. And the threshold for permanent removal of children is very high. Most of them become looked after and go into either long-term foster care or are ultimately returned to birth parents if improvements are made. For a judge to agree to permanent removal, a child has either experienced severe abuse, neglect, or has been born to a mother with a history of drug or alcohol abuse or significant mental health difficulties which mean she cannot safely care for a baby. So as well as the impact of attachment difficulties and trauma, many of these children also have foetal alcohol spectrum disorder or are born addicted to drugs. They are far more likely to have SEN than their peers.

I admire adoptive parents with all my heart. But it is not an alternative to having your own child. It is a very different undertaking and experience of parenthood. The adoptive parents I support in my job have to fight for so much. For their child’s needs to be recognised at school, for additional support, for an EHCP. They are awe-inspiring people.

OP, I would do some reading about attachment and trauma. Louise Bomber’s books are a good place to start.

Having been alongside 3 good friends who have adopted, I feel strongly that more children should be removed from more parents much more quickly.

All my friends adopted 2 and 3 year olds who had had SS involvement from before birth; drug issues, violent partners, successive previous children taken into care etc etc. Before adoption these babies variously spent time with catastrophically negligent parenting, a string of foster placements, futile ‘second chances’ or open fostering before finally settling with foster parents during a lengthy court and then adoption process to finally arrive at their permanent home.

All have significant issues with attachment disorder, or health issues as a result of negligence or other problems. They were upset to leave a stable foster home at almost 3, and have grown up with waves of different emotional problems.

All have sensitive and steadfast loving parenting by my friends, but it hasn’t been a journey to romanticise.

We shouldn’t pussyfoot around so long. They need to be settled earlier.

well, for healthy (white) babies, demand does hugely outstrip supply. with older kids, ones with disabilities, etc, people's reasons for being hesitant about adoption are easy to understand.

@StrifeOfBath

Having been alongside 3 good friends who have adopted, I feel strongly that more children should be removed from more parents much more quickly.

All my friends adopted 2 and 3 year olds who had had SS involvement from before birth; drug issues, violent partners, successive previous children taken into care etc etc. Before adoption these babies variously spent time with catastrophically negligent parenting, a string of foster placements, futile ‘second chances’ or open fostering before finally settling with foster parents during a lengthy court and then adoption process to finally arrive at their permanent home.

All have significant issues with attachment disorder, or health issues as a result of negligence or other problems. They were upset to leave a stable foster home at almost 3, and have grown up with waves of different emotional problems.

All have sensitive and steadfast loving parenting by my friends, but it hasn’t been a journey to romanticise.

We shouldn’t pussyfoot around so long. They need to be settled earlier.

Totally agree.

We wouldn't be suitable, financially or otherwise.

Adoptive parents here! 👋👋.

It is a hard process, can take a long time (we were 2.5 years from start to placement) but then if you compare that to how long some people TTC. Social pour over every element of your life, work, health, finances, reasons for wanting to etc.

It is most important to realize that EVERY child that is removed from the birth family had experienced trauma. The removal is a trauma that we will have to help them through at every stage in their lives. A physical disability might not be apparent at birth, developmental might be worse if they are older. There are many pros and cons to different ages.

If you are seriously thinking it about it, find someone who has done it recently and have a real conversation with them. I'm always happy to.

@Willyoujustbequiet

I enquired the first time 20 years ago.

I was told I had to give an undertaking never to have biological children so could I please consider getting my tubes tied

wtaf?! That’s awful! In the UK?!

I used to think like you OP and when we were struggling to have our own child after suffering miscarriages, DH and I started the adoption process. The training we had was a huge eye-opener. I found out I was pregnant again just before our social worker visited to discuss whether or not I had come to terms with my infertility (I hadn’t told her we were still ttc). We obviously had to abandon the process and went on to have DD.

I met a friend through the process who did go on to adopt a young baby but it has been so very difficult for her. Her DD is a teenager now and has had many problems due to the birth mother being a drug addict. She has said many times that she would not have gone through with it knowing what she does now even though she clearly loves her child.

I also have friends who adopted a 7 year old and 9 year old, one of whom could remember being thrown from a window by their mother. Another who adopted 4 and 6 year old siblings who could remember living with starvation.

The effects cannot be wiped out by stability and being loved. There have been numerous challenges well into early adulthood for these children.

Personally I wouldn't adopt because I find it hard to bond with other people's children (neices and nephews included) and I would be worried that I wouldn't love an adopted child like I do my own. I'd be worried that a child from a difficult background would negatively impact my biological children and I would never forgive myself as it would've been down to my decision to adopt. The complicated process beforehand would also put me off.

@rattusrattus20

well, for healthy (white) babies, demand does hugely outstrip supply. with older kids, ones with disabilities, etc, people's reasons for being hesitant about adoption are easy to understand.

Is the demand for white babies driven by what adopters want, or is this because social services prefer to place babies with parents who match their ethnic heritage?

Nobody should go into adoption without realising they're potentially bringing an exteremely traumatised child, teen and adult into their home. Especially in the UK where the bar for removal is far too high and a lot of damage is already done.

I don't know what the answer is, but it certainly isnt more people blindly going into adoption.