To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

[quote ineedsun]@UserBot989

I think this is just honest. I'm only a bit better looking than ''average'' but shorter than average. I'm possibly only of very average intelligence but my 'intelligences' lean towards social, emotional and linguistic. I'd rather have my own children
I’d argue that you’re not as socially and emotionally intelligent as you think based on the rest of your post.

My cousin adopted two children. The natural mother of one of them was only 14. She has been lucky (in my opinion) that the children are kind of like her in terms of colouring. So she doesn't have to answer questions

By ‘natural’ I assume you mean birth mother. Being able to get pregnant and successfully give birth doesn’t make you a natural mother. Some of the most natural parents I know haven’t given birth.
There is nothing wrong with answering questions if someone is happy to do that, the time where adoption is secretive and children needed to be passed off as your own birth children is long gone.

I can see why people would like to adopt baby girls from china because they're very young and they aren't going to remember anything sad or awful, but if you're not of that race then it's immediately obvious that your children are adopted. I don't know why but that wouldn't be my preference.

I just have no words for this

My children look like me and I kind of like that

Fine but not everyone is the same as you, although with your emotional intelligence I’m surprised you haven’t realised that.[/quote]
Unlike your emotional intelligence which is just peachy

I have three friends who were adopted at birth. All lovely, sensible people who lead fulfilled and happy lives. It’s not all trauma and angst.

@Youmeanyouvelostyourkey

One further thing. Previous posters mention lack of support. This is very true. We spoke to our local post adopt team asking for help for our AS. We wanted to access the adoption support fund which is about the only support available.

In order to access that, we had to pay for an OT assessment ourselves and will likely need to do the same for an ADHD assessment. The ASF won't pay for any assessments only therapy once these have been diagnosed. Most adoptive families will tell you that they need help getting the diagnosis in the first place. We have been in the NHS queue for over 2 years and still not even got a date got an appt.

@Youmeanyouvelostyourkey The NHS can fund assessments with private providers through the patients choice pathway.

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits

It doesn't just sound awful @Thunderbolted it is awful. How unpleasant.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk).*

That's a naive and uniformed view of the circumstances from which UK newborns today, become available for adoption . They are few, often under court order.

You should read the adoption discussions on MN to understand what those reasons and risks are.

@beansprout55

Almost all of these comments are negative, so I'll give a positive. Speaking from experience, although it was 9 years ago, the process wasn't "brutal" at all! A few meetings/assessments - character references - background check. Nothing too invasive and certainly no horrendous questions asked like one poster above mentioned. Not too dissimilar from a job interview. Failed IVF, wasn't a home owner. Then once accepted a few preparation classes with a group of other adopters. This was with CAMS. 10 week old baby. Perhaps things have changed drastically in 9 years?

I think it varies a lot from area to area. My colleague adopted in Kent and it was a similar process to the one you describe. Whereas I looked into the process in Lambeth, and it was really intense - they basically insisted one of you give up work, and they spent a lot of time in the seminar stressing that they wanted you to facilitate ongoing regular contact with the parents and whole wider birth family, which frankly I would not be particularly up for if the parents turned out to be abusive drug addicts.

Obviously I can see the benefits for the child, so I can see why they do it, but honestly I don’t want to make friends with somebody chaotic enough to need their children removing, or have them coming round my house every week to see their children. I just don’t think I could be supportive of the children maintaining a relationship with them, and obviously you need to be. My failing, but at least I recognise I couldn’t do it.

@Branleuse
Would you like to give some context to that?

I can see why people would like to adopt baby girls from china because they're very young and they aren't going to remember anything sad or awful, but if you're not of that race then it's immediately obvious that your children are adopted. I don't know why but that wouldn't be my preference.

Do… do you have ANY idea how childhood trauma affects brain development? Do… do you have ANY concept of how being abandoned at birth, barely cared for in an orphanage and then stripped of any notions of familiarity to be flown across the world to live with strangers would impact a child or the lasting impact it would leave on an adult?

Search online international adoption testimonies and read five. These children experience chronic isolation and loneliness, depersonalisation, lack of identity and cultur, feelings of insecurity etc. That’s not even beginning to take into account the difficulties which arise with transracial adoptions. Your sheer nativity is ASTOUNDING.

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

I have three friends who were adopted at birth. All lovely, sensible people who lead fulfilled and happy lives. It’s not all trauma and angst.

Children are very unlikely to be removed at birth and adopted these days. For a baby to be removed at birth there would have been very significant problems with the birth parents - substance abuse, serious learning disabilities or mental health issues, previous child abuse or neglect and older siblings already removed. Even a newborn baby is affected by everything they are exposed to in the 9 months of their development, and the trauma of separation from their mother after birth.

I tried but was turned down because I have actually experienced many things that are common in adopted children. I thought they'd see it as a positive that I could relate and would be better placed to fight for support but no, they took the line that an adopted child would likely trigger me and that I would not be able to parent effectively.

When we were struggling to conceive we decided if it didn’t work out we wouldn’t pursue adoption.

We wanted a child that was biologically ours, as selfish that may be. Half me and half him, not one with a trauma that put them in care in the first place, or with another family out there who could try take them back/ come into their life as they got older.

From what I’ve read on MN, the adoption process sounds horrific so I imagine that puts a lot of prospective adopters off.

The thing that eventually made them pull out was that the SW insisted she needed to speak to my DSis's abusive ex husband - the one who'd been so violent towards my DSis that he'd been arrested. The one who'd broken her arm and her nose on two occasions. The one she had a restraining order against - and had not had children with. The social worker insisted that he had to be interviewed in depth to see whether he felt my sister would be suitable as a mother.

Bloody Hell, MadamMim - that's awful! As you say - only spite and envy could have prompted this. He's hardly going to give an unbiased opinion of your sister's parenting skills, is he? And shouldn't even be told that she is seeking to adopt - that type of man never misses an opportunity to find a way to twist the knife, and could be a danger to her and the child.

@Branleuse

Nothing wrong with wanting your kids to inherit your genes if you consider yourself to be blessed with good looks and intelligence. I think thats an honest POV which is probably pretty common

This seems like a strange post. Intelligence and good looks aren't the most important things in life and they don't define someone's worth.

What about people who are neither good looking or intelligent? Do they usually decide not to have children as a result?

I find it really strange (though unsurprising) that @Thunderbolted has been flamed to a crisp.

Beauty is subjective but we all know and recognise what are thought to be conventional good looks. Intelligence also comes in different forms but again, if you have (say) a First from Oxford or if you work in medicine or law chances are you are pretty intelligent

I don’t give two hoots what my child looks like. He is the most beautiful baby there is because he is mine, simple as. However, I also recognise that if his appearance is thought to be attractive, his life will be easier. Same if he is intelligent.

I’ve struggled with my weight throughout my life and I do know that when I’ve been slim life has been easier. It just was.

Because they make it so very hard with no guarantees at the end. A colleague of mine was turned down as she was an EX smoker!

Someone in my family has gone through the process successfully and it is HARD. Loads of assessments, they look into your entire life, your extended family, everything. They had to move to a bigger house before they could be considered. They aren't allowed to move out of that house now for x years. The requirements even once you have the child are intense, they aren't really yours to do as you wish in the same way your biological children would be. They have restrictions on where they can and can't take their child based on their biological family, they have constant visitations from social workers, they have rules on who they can introduce their child to, what they can do with them etc. And they have a relatively issue-free little girl, she was over 3 when they adopted her, they wanted a baby as most do but the only options available for babies were those who came with older siblings as well. The whole process took them nearly 2 years.

And that's someone who was successful. My former coworker was rejected initially because as a couple, she used to be a teacher but her husband had no real childcare experience, and they said combined it wasn't enough. Her husband ended up volunteering with children's groups for 2 years before they could then proceed. She was also told that she had to lose weight before she could be considered and pass health tests.

Intelligence and good looks aren't the most important things in life and they don't define someone's worth.

What are the most important things in life, then?

It’s easy to say ‘kindness’ and ‘being a good person’ but actually both these are easier to do when you like yourself.

And yes - kindness is important but it isn’t everything. It’s a bit like only eating fruit and veg: they are important but a diet consisting only of fruit and veg is lacking. So is a personality that is only or even mainly kind.

A lot of people who are able to be very successful actually aren’t kind - or perhaps more accurately, they are able to be dispassionate and keep a clear head through other peoples discomforts. That is really important. If I was accused of a horrible crime, I wouldn’t want a ‘kind’ lawyer but a really effective and ruthless one.

But I digress.

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

I have three friends who were adopted at birth. All lovely, sensible people who lead fulfilled and happy lives. It’s not all trauma and angst.

That may reflect the time they were adopted and the long-past reasons healthy fit mothers relinquished a healthy child they loved

Quite simply, most people want a child that is biologically theirs. I did.

I'm adopted myself, but if I hadn't been able to conceive, I would have remained childless.

I think you've touched upon most of the main reasons in your OP but dismissed them.

There's the trauma involved, the rigorous and exclusive process, and primarily, the fact that most people do want a child that's theirs biologically, that is a fundamental drive we are born with.

Yes it would be more practical if more people did this, but it would also be more practical if the government assigned people jobs based on what would benefit society most. People don't want to do what's best for everybody, they want to do what they want to do.

I might consider it but I would start with the full expectations it's going to be a very hard road that is nothing like a non-adopted child.

I have never seen an adoption go "well" in the way a naive parent might have hoped. Most of the kids went off the rails at some point or/and severe health problems.

Healthy newborns are not really up for adoption anymore these days, because it is now generally understood that staying in its own country is almost always better for the child, and thanks to better contraception/abortion access the "perfect healthy mum, just an accident" births followes by adoption in Europe are waaaaay down as well.

The whole adoption process is so challenging here! I know 5 people/ couples who have gone through the whole process. 3 did not pass panel for all kinds of reasons! Only 2 did and have now adopted. It's really not as easy as people think.

Myself and my partner considered it for our second child, but we would have not got past panel. Why?

1. no local family support.
2. elderly mother I look after.
3. we are a bi racial family and not a common mix. They like to match children to families with a very similar cultural/ ethnic background. We would be waiting years!!
4. god knows what they would have found out about our pasts that they didn't like? I know one couple who were rejected because they had a history of debt even though they had cleared it all etc.

Also some people quite simply do not have what it takes to adopt. Many children come from abusive homes or have experienced neglect. Even if they have not there is a huge sense of rejection and abandonment that can deeply affect these children right into adulthood. They love, support, care and patience these children need is huge. We don't all have that in us. This is why they like families to have a good local support network and little other caring responsibilities.

This.

I am an adopter. We were foster carers first so it was slightly different but the process was brutal and invasive. We had our DD from birth as a father placement but newborns are very very unusual. Even though she has always been with us there is some effects of her 'before life' for her. Wouldn't change her for the world though and it can't have been a bad experience for our children because they all say they are going to adopt when they want a family

I think in real life, the socially acceptable thing to say is that you'd love to adopt. I remember going out with some girlfriends and every one said how much they would love to adopt...I was honest and said I couldn't do it. Well that didn't go down well!

Interestingly, years later, two of that group found out that they cannot have biological children. Neither has looked into adoption.

Talk is cheap.