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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell OH I am no longer washing his dirty pants?!

157 replies

GrilledCheese27 · 09/01/2022 11:10

Name changed to avoid being linked to my pregnancy/bump group!

Together 3 years, great relationship, amazing man. Currently expecting our first baby together. BUT (and it's a big but!)...

The man has skid marks in his boxers almost daily. I've broached the subject numerous times, told him to sort it out. Wipe properly (he says he does, but sometimes it's "impossible to, it'll take ages" (?!). The final straw was this morning as I was making the bed. Skidmarks on the bottom sheet. When he came upstairs to say goodbye before he left for work I told him he needs to change the sheets. There is shit marks and I am not touching it. I also told him I'm no longer washing his boxers.

He does have IBS, he is a very (read EXTREMELY) windy person and I don't mind this as it clearly cannot be helped. Wiping your arse properly is a choice though! I'm 29 weeks pregnant with a very annoying hemmeroid and my pants are always clean! He showers every single morning without fail so he's generally a very hygienic person.

I don't want to embarrass him but I don't want to be involved in the shit show, literally! I am going to ask him to wear pyjamas in bed from now on but is it an overreaction to ask him to perhaps go to the Dr's?!

OP posts:

PearlD · 10/01/2022 13:36

I dont think it matters what the cause is, whether it's IBS, or some other unfathomable reason he's leaving this unsavoury trail behind him, you shouldn't have to worry about embarrassing a grown man by asking him to deal with the shitty outcome. Absolutely stop doing his laundry, ask him to wear undies in bed, or sleep elswehere. The fact he's happy to let you clean up after him in this way and isnt' dealing with it himself already without being asked/told is massive turn off. Any man who is willing to leave his shit stained undies for his pregnant or otherwise partner to deal with needs to give their head a shake. Good luck!

Ileflottante · 10/01/2022 14:13

I’m eating my lunch and scrolling MN. Really wish I hadn’t returned to ‘watched threads’ ready the words ‘fecal leakage’ as I ate.

FlipFlops4Me · 10/01/2022 14:36

@ShirleyPhallus

But how do you know it’s there *@ChargingBuck*? Do you do a thorough inspection of all pants prior to putting them in the machine?

My DH is disabled. Yes, I check his underwear (usually while I am helping him undress) as I am aware that although he does his best to get himself clean there are times when he doesn't manage it. So I check. I help him shower during the day so if his undies aren't clean, I know I need to help him wash thoroughly before bed too.

If you know these things might happen, it makes sense to check. No shame or harm in that.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/01/2022 14:46

Not unreasonable to expect him to change his own shitty sheets and wash his own undies.

But, I have a dp with Crohns, and I would say he doesn't always have control over leaking a bit, and it isn't just a case of being too lazy to wipe his bum properly. Does he need to consider an incontinence pad?

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 10/01/2022 14:49

@Ileflottante

I’m eating my lunch and scrolling MN. Really wish I hadn’t returned to ‘watched threads’ ready the words ‘fecal leakage’ as I ate.

🤣

Tbf, the thread tile has dirty pants and the OP is about shitty skid marks!

Ciaram55 · 10/01/2022 17:54

I'd object if I didn't have a washing machine, and who are these people who refuse to do their partners washing. The machine does it. Would they really let the machine run on half a load out of principal rather than shove partners load in.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 10/01/2022 22:03

@granny24

I can’t believe people are being so horrible about a medical problem. I have a problem with fecal incontinence and it is so humiliating. I can wipe and wipe, use wet wipes etc etc. I often have no idea that I have done a little poo. I have sought medical advice, even had an op, but it is what it is. I just hope none of you ‘grim’ people ever have this problem. I understand your husband’s comments about it taking ages. I can clean until I bleed, but five minutes later………

Surely then you would just use pads or liners?

GrazingSheep · 14/01/2022 17:53

Op - you’ve made it to the Daily Mail

Suzi888 · 14/01/2022 18:00

@Ileflottante

I’m eating my lunch and scrolling MN. Really wish I hadn’t returned to ‘watched threads’ ready the words ‘fecal leakage’ as I ate.

🤣 In all seriousness he needs to see his GP, but it may be something he has to live with. He should wear underwear /pj bottoms in bed. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that he does his own washing /pant washing as they’ll need to be on a 60c to kill those germs and personally I wouldn’t want my clothes washed on a 30c with his undies. It’s a sensitive and embarrassing subject, maybe he needs to look at his diet too, see if any changes can be made.

lisaandalan · 14/01/2022 18:03

He needs to use Andrew wipes too and maybe make a drs appointment he may have some leakage.
Also it's not impossible to keep wiping until you are clean. X

Belinea · 14/01/2022 18:52

Not only are you being unreasonable, you are also taking away his dignity by posting such a "poor me" message on a public forum that has now been reported on a well known national UK daily news papers website.

Where is your integrity?
Where is your discretion?

Something this personal should be kept private.

I just hope for your husbands sake that no-one who knows him see's the report and puts 2 and 2 together.

IBS is not a choice, your husband did not choose to get it and 2. Marrage is for better or worse and, it takes work to make it work.

I can just imagine the outcry if this was a husband moaning about his IBS suffering wife, I dare say he would be vilified on here.

You say that you are soon to be expecting a baby, well there is every chance (depending on how the birth goes) that your body will be leaking all kinds of fluids and, once the baby is born, you (and hubby) will be cleaning up a heck of a lot worse than skid marks from the baby.

Are you going to complain and object to that too?

As far as I am concerned your post speak volumes about you and the kind of person that you are.

These may be harsh words but they needed to be said.

how would you feel if you discovered that your husband had made a post like yours on here?

Branleuse · 14/01/2022 18:56

@Ozanj

How would you react if he refused to wash your period stained underwear or bedsheets for the same reason? If he does refuse then fine. But if he does wash it (and you would be expecting him to wash bedsheets when you bleed after having the baby) then you need to accept he has a medical problem and support him too. Especially as, you said, he does his fair share of the housework.

How many women just leave their period stuff or shit stains routinely, shamelessly and regularly for their man to clean up? Never fuckin happens.

Shmithecat2 · 14/01/2022 18:57

@Belinea

1.IBS is not a choice, your husband did not choose to get it and 2. Marrage is for better or worse and, it takes work to make it work.

The issue isn't with the IBS. It's about the fact he's quite comfortable with leaving his stained underwear and bed sheets for OP to deal with. Fucking gross.

Branleuse · 14/01/2022 18:59

@Belinea

Where is your integrity?
Where is your discretion?

Something this personal should be kept private.

I just hope for your husbands sake that no-one who knows him see's the report and puts 2 and 2 together.

IBS is not a choice, your husband did not choose to get it and 2. Marrage is for better or worse and, it takes work to make it work.

I can just imagine the outcry if this was a husband moaning about his IBS suffering wife, I dare say he would be vilified on here.

Are you going to complain and object to that too?

As far as I am concerned your post speak volumes about you and the kind of person that you are.

These may be harsh words but they needed to be said.

how would you feel if you discovered that your husband had made a post like yours on here?

Id be mortified that i had been expecting my partner to clean up my shit so often without realising. Id be so embarrassed and id make sure i checked the sheets and cleaned my own pants.

Ninananna · 14/01/2022 18:59

Completely agree with Belinea.

Branleuse · 14/01/2022 19:00

@Stompythedinosaur

Not unreasonable to expect him to change his own shitty sheets and wash his own undies.

Obviously he needs to consider protection, and maybe a visit to the gp if this is a new thing

BitcherOfBlakiven · 14/01/2022 19:05

I have severe IBS and honestly, it’s sometimes far too painful to wipe with toilet roll or wet wipes - especially if I’ve been on the toilet every hour all day - however my solution to that is to get in the damn shower! I dream of getting a bidet.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 14/01/2022 19:06

I’ve had to resort to inco pads at night so many times, because it will just leak out with no warning.

Shmithecat2 · 14/01/2022 19:07

@BitcherOfBlakiven

Have you considered installing a bum gun?

To tell OH I am no longer washing his dirty pants?!

BitcherOfBlakiven · 14/01/2022 19:08

@Shmithecat2 A BUM GUN That is fucking brilliant. And something I can aim at DC if they follow me into the bathroom too!

alexdgr8 · 14/01/2022 19:09

he could use conti pads inside close-briefs, or disposable paper pants.
he should always wear underwear in bed.
a doctor advised this recently for everyone, as he said there is inevitable anal leakage during the night, which is usually not visible, but for hygiene reasons pants should be worn to protect the sheets.
there are lots of things your partner could do to manage the problem; he needs to try.

Shmithecat2 · 14/01/2022 19:14

[quote BitcherOfBlakiven]@Shmithecat2 A BUM GUN That is fucking brilliant. And something I can aim at DC if they follow me into the bathroom too![/quote]
Lol. We lived in the ME for years and they are common place - we have them installed at home in the UK now. Very useful for rinsing the bath/shower round too if close enough to the loo. Although I did inadvertently douche my face/the ceiling when I went to hose the shower down the other day and didn't realise I was holding it pointing the wrong way 😂

CoastalWave · 14/01/2022 21:48

I think there's a lot of immature and unkind posters on this thread.

I have inflammatory bowel disease. Unless you actually have it you have ZERO idea about how grim going for a poo can be in general. Poos that literally take what seem likes hours to clear up after. Sometimes you even do a bit at the end you have no idea you've even done.

Husband needs support. He can however do his own washing - i manage to do mine I don't leave it for my husband!

Yes, you need to have a chat about it but frankly the only disgusting thing about all of this is that you felt the need to post about it on here and now it's in the bloody Daily Fail.

I would just say though, he has IBS not IBD so really shouldn't be suffering as badly as you're making out. Does he need re referring? IBS and IBD are two completely different beasts.

gamerchick · 15/01/2022 07:03

The OP hasn't been back to the thread since the 9th. I wonder if there's a record to trundle a thread on without any response from the OP.

ThinWomansBrain · 15/01/2022 07:09

I think I will just leave his boxers in the washing basket
the thought of shitty underwear alongside other clothes is grim

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