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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell OH I am no longer washing his dirty pants?!

157 replies

GrilledCheese27 · 09/01/2022 11:10

Name changed to avoid being linked to my pregnancy/bump group!

Together 3 years, great relationship, amazing man. Currently expecting our first baby together. BUT (and it's a big but!)...

The man has skid marks in his boxers almost daily. I've broached the subject numerous times, told him to sort it out. Wipe properly (he says he does, but sometimes it's "impossible to, it'll take ages" (?!). The final straw was this morning as I was making the bed. Skidmarks on the bottom sheet. When he came upstairs to say goodbye before he left for work I told him he needs to change the sheets. There is shit marks and I am not touching it. I also told him I'm no longer washing his boxers.

He does have IBS, he is a very (read EXTREMELY) windy person and I don't mind this as it clearly cannot be helped. Wiping your arse properly is a choice though! I'm 29 weeks pregnant with a very annoying hemmeroid and my pants are always clean! He showers every single morning without fail so he's generally a very hygienic person.

I don't want to embarrass him but I don't want to be involved in the shit show, literally! I am going to ask him to wear pyjamas in bed from now on but is it an overreaction to ask him to perhaps go to the Dr's?!

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 09/01/2022 13:32

Is this you? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4288505-Warning-gross-LTB-accept-it-or-separate-bed-rooms?messages=100&pg=1

And six months later you have the same problem and are pregnant? Honestly, his lack of respect for basic values and for you would be me thinking long and hard about what I want in a relationship.

Original poster
GrilledCheese27 · 09/01/2022 13:36

@TheSandgroper

Is this you? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4288505-Warning-gross-LTB-accept-it-or-separate-bed-rooms?messages=100&pg=1

And six months later you have the same problem and are pregnant? Honestly, his lack of respect for basic values and for you would be me thinking long and hard about what I want in a relationship.

No that isn't me. This is the first time I've posted regarding the issue.
OP posts:
Shyla867 · 09/01/2022 13:37

So grim. Its so disrespectful.

Original poster
GrilledCheese27 · 09/01/2022 13:40

Thanks for all your suggestions everyone.

Unfortunately I'm not a poo troll, wish I was. This is 100% true. For those asking how I know, it's quite obvious when I'm sorting through washing. He has a lot a dark coloured pants but got some white Calvin kleins for Christmas and the problem has become more evident. I can't smell them, he doesn't smell, it's just enough to notice when I am picking items out the basket.

He's not disrespectful in any other way, in fact the opposite. He's such a lovely guy I'm very lucky to have him although our sex life is non existent since falling pregnant so that's not an issue at the moment but it obviously will be in the future so I do want to address the issue.

OP posts:
Blanketpolicy · 09/01/2022 13:45

(he says he does, but sometimes it's "impossible to, it'll take ages" (?!)

If he knows he isn't clean and gives up because it takes too long that just isn't acceptable.

There are sprays to use with loo roll, has he tried these?

Alternatively he could try using something like washable Cheeky wipes

Trying nothing shouldn't be an option.

astoundedgoat · 09/01/2022 13:51

Separate laundry baskets, he can do his own laundry. Underwear in bed.

And get him on the low FODMAP diet pronto. He almost certainly does not need to endure the constant gas and going to the loo. Every single person I know with IBS has found relief by going on the elimination and reintroduction diet and finding out what their triggers are. My husband's life is transformed.

TabithaTittlemouse · 09/01/2022 13:53

I have ibs and various intolerances that affect my bowels. I don’t leave skid marks.

Our dc are teens but we all do our own washing. I’m not automatically responsible for washing just because I’m female.

Winniemarysarah · 09/01/2022 13:56

@ANameChangeAgain

Lots of use of the word grim here to describe a medical condition! He needs to see a doctor as this sounds quite serious. Its obviously a medical problem rather than a personal hygiene one. For his own dignity he needs to wear boxers in bed and learn how to set up a 60° wash.
He’s literally said he doesn’t wipe properly because ‘it’ll take ages’. So he’s fully aware he’s still got shit on his arsed. He’s just too lazy to clean 🤢
RachAnneKirl90 · 09/01/2022 14:11

@GrilledCheese27

Thanks all.

He pulls his weight in every respect, he does his fair share of the housework, on his days off he will do the washing and on my days off I will do it. I think I will just leave his boxers in the washing basket from now on and just do the rest. I've left the bed for today. He comes home at 4pm and I'm out until 6pm now so I really hope when I get back he's sorted it and I don't have to prompt him.

I think part of his resistance is because he's embarrassed but that doesn't seem to motivate him to do anything about it.

I wouldn't leave his faeces covered underwear in the washing basket, unless you want E-coli on everything. He needs a separate laundry bin of his own, a washable plastic one. He needs to clean his diet up - does he eat a lot of processed food and take away garbage? You don't need this when you are about to have a baby.
EishetChayil · 09/01/2022 14:14

OP, you weren't put on this earth to clean some guy's shitty boxers.

Fraine · 09/01/2022 14:16

Definitely stop washing his pants, you shouldn’t have been washing them in the first place.

Also have a separate basket for him, why allow his faecal particles to get on your clothes? I wash some of my clothes 30 degrees and I wouldn’t want them anywhere his shitty pants.

Also finally, why not get a bidet shower / Muslim shower?

He needs to wash that arse.

Snorkmaidenn · 09/01/2022 14:22

Keep a separate bin for his pants and wash separately. Wear gloves when handling if you're going to wash them.
Treat as you would for nappies. Try napisan. That's good for poo stains.

Horst · 09/01/2022 14:26

You need one of those toilet shower hoses.

I get that sometimes wiping can feel like it’s taking forever my bowels play up terrible sometimes and I can be sore by the time it’s clean but I just just go and skid the bed. I would be so so embarrassed I wouldn’t let my partner have chance to notice.

2bazookas · 09/01/2022 14:29

@GrilledCheese27

Name changed to avoid being linked to my pregnancy/bump group!

Together 3 years, great relationship, amazing man. Currently expecting our first baby together. BUT (and it's a big but!)...

The man has skid marks in his boxers almost daily. I've broached the subject numerous times, told him to sort it out. Wipe properly (he says he does, but sometimes it's "impossible to, it'll take ages" (?!). The final straw was this morning as I was making the bed. Skidmarks on the bottom sheet. When he came upstairs to say goodbye before he left for work I told him he needs to change the sheets. There is shit marks and I am not touching it. I also told him I'm no longer washing his boxers.

He does have IBS, he is a very (read EXTREMELY) windy person and I don't mind this as it clearly cannot be helped. Wiping your arse properly is a choice though! I'm 29 weeks pregnant with a very annoying hemmeroid and my pants are always clean! He showers every single morning without fail so he's generally a very hygienic person.

I don't want to embarrass him but I don't want to be involved in the shit show, literally! I am going to ask him to wear pyjamas in bed from now on but is it an overreaction to ask him to perhaps go to the Dr's?!

The bodycare requirements of your child are going to be a shock to you.

Two tips to make life a little easier meanwhile:

1)Give DH a separate laundrybag and insist he does his own laundry
2) if space and cash alow, install a bidet and teach him to use it after poo.

DebIr · 09/01/2022 14:31

Have mulled over whether to reply but this post has so upset me. Your husband is incontinent and your support is to shame him and post on here.

Worried456776 · 09/01/2022 14:31

That is horrific.,. I could never have sex with him again if I was you. Is he not mortified ? It’s not hard to wipe your arse properly can’t he use wet wipes or even use cream on the toilet paper to moisten it or I’m sure there’s a spray you can buy to do this ? Has it put you off him do you still fancy him ?

ChargingBuck · 09/01/2022 14:34

@DebIr

Have mulled over whether to reply but this post has so upset me. Your husband is incontinent and your support is to shame him and post on here.
He's not incontinent - he's failing to wipe his arse properly, & fully admits it.
AnotherSillawithanS · 09/01/2022 14:39

I can't believe you've started a thread about your partner's skid marked pants.

If you don't want to wash them, don't.

Why would you not just put the sheets in the wash when you got up.

Nuts.

DebIr · 09/01/2022 14:39

Only he knows this and I think very unlikely. He has IBS.

Scrabblecrabapple · 09/01/2022 14:42

This is grim. I would neither be wasting his keks or sharing a bed with him envy

A man said this about his wife’s urinary incontinence. Discuss.

Aprilx · 09/01/2022 14:44

I sometimes wonder how is it that a few years into a relationship the woman is always washing the man’s pants. I have been with DH nearly twenty years now and he does his laundry and I do mine.

Hadjab · 09/01/2022 14:58

@ANameChangeAgain

Lots of use of the word grim here to describe a medical condition! He needs to see a doctor as this sounds quite serious. Its obviously a medical problem rather than a personal hygiene one. For his own dignity he needs to wear boxers in bed and learn how to set up a 60° wash.
This!

I was once told by a gastro specialist that if you take more than a few wipes to get clean, then you haven’t acting finished evacuating your bowels properly. Maybe consider getting a bidet attachment added to your toilet, they cost about £80, and can be fitted easily

Original poster
GrilledCheese27 · 09/01/2022 15:14

For those commenting on the future childcare, I have a 4 year old from a previous relationship so I am fully aware of what is coming.

I am not shaming my partner, I do understand his bowel issues and I sympathise with it as it must be horrible. I have "put up with it" this long because I suppose I didn't want to embarrass him too much plus I didn't realise the extent. This is the first time I have seen anything on the sheets. His wardrobe also was predominantly black underwear, it is now very white heavy since Christmas! I usually notice it probably once or twice a month, at that point I'd just sort myself. As far as I was aware, he knew there was an issue because I've bought it up previously but as I'd only seen a few instances I assumed it was mostly under control. I obviously now know this isn't the case.

I'll have a gentle conversation with him later about it and look into diet changes he can make. He isn't a slob by any means, he is an average weight, average build mid thirties man. He eats the odd takeaway but nothing unhealthy to excess. If anything, of the two of us, he is the one with the best diet.

I made the thread because despite me understanding he has a medical condition, it is still something that I'm dealing with and as PP have picked up on, it's the disrespectful side of it that prompted me to post.

Thanks again for all the helpful replies and suggestion. I will take on board l.

OP posts:
Youngstreet · 09/01/2022 15:18

I suggest your dh and baby share a nappy bucket!

GrazingSheep · 09/01/2022 15:42

Does this thread win a prize for the most occurrences of the word ‘grim’ ??