To tell OH I am no longer washing his dirty pants?!

[GrilledCheese27]

Name changed to avoid being linked to my pregnancy/bump group!

Together 3 years, great relationship, amazing man. Currently expecting our first baby together. BUT (and it's a big but!)...

The man has skid marks in his boxers almost daily. I've broached the subject numerous times, told him to sort it out. Wipe properly (he says he does, but sometimes it's "impossible to, it'll take ages" (?!). The final straw was this morning as I was making the bed. Skidmarks on the bottom sheet. When he came upstairs to say goodbye before he left for work I told him he needs to change the sheets. There is shit marks and I am not touching it. I also told him I'm no longer washing his boxers.

He does have IBS, he is a very (read EXTREMELY) windy person and I don't mind this as it clearly cannot be helped. Wiping your arse properly is a choice though! I'm 29 weeks pregnant with a very annoying hemmeroid and my pants are always clean! He showers every single morning without fail so he's generally a very hygienic person.

I don't want to embarrass him but I don't want to be involved in the shit show, literally! I am going to ask him to wear pyjamas in bed from now on but is it an overreaction to ask him to perhaps go to the Dr's?!

Surely this is not just carelessness? Who would want this embarrassing condition? He seems to have a leaking bowel and needs to see a doctor about it.

@Tavelo

There's no such thing as ibs, it's a term doctors use to mean 'can't be arsed diagnosing you'. He mught have coeliac disease/wheat sensitivity. Which affects 12% of people and is one of the most undiagnosed conditions of all.

This is so ignorant. I have it. I am not coeliac having been tested for it. However I know now exactly what food exacerbates my IBS. And it is the same FODMAP foods that affect hundreds of thousands of other sufferers. So not a 'coincidental' illness.

Sent you a pm with some info.

@tara66

Surely this is not just carelessness? Who would want this embarrassing condition? He seems to have a leaking bowel and needs to see a doctor about it.

Embarrassing condition - but not that embarrassing that he'll leave his shit stains for someone else to deal with?

Whoever it was who said the OP’s OH is incontinent obviously has no. Idea what Incontinence is - it’s more than skid marks on underpants or knickers!
IMHO a lot of the responses seem to be suggesting making a mountain out of a mole hill - we all poo for goodness sake and i’d hazard a guess that judging by the way some people are prepared to leave toilets after they’ve been the OPs OH is not the only one who leaves a skid mark in his or her pants.
Irrespective of whether OPs OH has IBS or not he obviously has problems keeping himself clean and I would have thought that another reminder to wipe himself properly, have a wash before bed and wear pjs to protect the sheet is all that’s needed . Perhaps it might also be a good idea to take the white Calvein Kleins out of use for awhile.
All this talk about seeing the GP makes me wonder whether those who are suggesting it are living on the same planet as me, It’s hard enough to get an appointment for a potentially life threatening condition let alone skiddy pants.
If it were me I couldn’t be bothered with him doing his washing separately I’d get a bucket and some napisan and ask him to stick his pants in there to soak before putting them in the machine.
As a mum of 4 little ones I’m well used to seeing the odd poo stain on knickers and pants. I have enough underwear to make up a single load and I have a found a spray of vanish ensures that there are no stains when they come out of a hot wash in the machine.

It’s no good being squeamish about poo - it’s something we all do. As OP has explained it
Irrespective of whether he has IBS or not, he obviously has issues with his poo in the sense that the c

Oops didn’t preview this - never mind!

Is this a new thing?Any change in bowel habits need investigating so he needs to discuss with a Dr.You say he has excessive wind so something is wrong.When he passes wind he may be leaking so not a case of not wiping .you say he eats a healthy diet but it may be the wrong sort of diet.Look at the Fodmap diet it will explain a lot.Just talking about the dirty boxers will not solve a medical problem he needs to see a Dr.Please try and speak with him and suggest he speaks to your GP.

This looks suspiciously similar to this post...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4288505-Warning-gross-LTB-accept-it-or-separate-bed-rooms?msgid=108789374

When your DH wipes, does he look to check the toilet paper is clean before he finishes wiping?

I'm surprised at how many people dont bother checking if the toilet paper is clean before they pull their underwear up again.
Apparently, they feel clean, so dont need to check

[quote CandlesBlanketsandTea]This looks suspiciously similar to this post...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4288505-Warning-gross-LTB-accept-it-or-separate-bed-rooms?msgid=108789374[/quote]
@CandlesBlanketsandTea somebody has already linked to that very thread and the op has responded.

The OP might have responded, but I don't believe there are two different people writing practically identical threads about their partners shit in a bed, it's a fairly niche topic. At the very least OP could go and review the suggestions on that thread.

He’s told you quite explicitly what the problem is and it wasn’t anything to do with IBS, farting, potential incontinence etc…

“ Wipe properly (he says he does, but sometimes it's "impossible to, it'll take ages" (?!). ”

IOW it’s sheer laziness. He admitted he’s perfectly happy to sit in his own poo because he can’t be bothered spending a minute(?) more per day wiping properly. Simple as that.

You could stop washing them but it doesn’t seem to be the laundry matter nor the shame that is going to bother this man. If he can’t be bothered to wipe then this would be a relationship dealbreaker for me.

Nah that's rancid. If I had something like this going on with me I'd damn well make sure I washed my own pants and changed the sheets without being told to. I can't imagine leaving my husband to sort out my literal shit.

@Tavelo

There's no such thing as ibs, it's a term doctors use to mean 'can't be arsed diagnosing you'. He mught have coeliac disease/wheat sensitivity. Which affects 12% of people and is one of the most undiagnosed conditions of all.

What a ridiculous statement I have IBS. I had EXTENSIVE tests, to see if i was coeliac, intolerant, if it was related to bile, etc So if it was just my consultants not bothering to diagnose me, i think they would have given up and not bothered with the tests

Don’t make stupid comments.

@millymae

Whoever it was who said the OP’s OH is incontinent obviously has no. Idea what Incontinence is - it’s more than skid marks on underpants or knickers! IMHO a lot of the responses seem to be suggesting making a mountain out of a mole hill - we all poo for goodness sake and i’d hazard a guess that judging by the way some people are prepared to leave toilets after they’ve been the OPs OH is not the only one who leaves a skid mark in his or her pants. Irrespective of whether OPs OH has IBS or not he obviously has problems keeping himself clean and I would have thought that another reminder to wipe himself properly, have a wash before bed and wear pjs to protect the sheet is all that’s needed . Perhaps it might also be a good idea to take the white Calvein Kleins out of use for awhile. All this talk about seeing the GP makes me wonder whether those who are suggesting it are living on the same planet as me, It’s hard enough to get an appointment for a potentially life threatening condition let alone skiddy pants. If it were me I couldn’t be bothered with him doing his washing separately I’d get a bucket and some napisan and ask him to stick his pants in there to soak before putting them in the machine. As a mum of 4 little ones I’m well used to seeing the odd poo stain on knickers and pants. I have enough underwear to make up a single load and I have a found a spray of vanish ensures that there are no stains when they come out of a hot wash in the machine.

It’s no good being squeamish about poo - it’s something we all do. As OP has explained it
Irrespective of whether he has IBS or not, he obviously has issues with his poo in the sense that the c

Trust me I know all about incontinence! I hope you never do.

@CandlesBlanketsandTea somebody has already linked to that very thread and the op has responded.

Yes, I’m struggling to believe there’s 2 people who are happy to cover up and live with shit stained sheets.

We had white towels and my now ex used to leave skid marks on them when drying himself AFTER a shower not envy

The amount of women left with continence issues after childbirth who would never dream of leaving shit stains over everything for their partner to deal with.
It may not be his fault that he has IBS but its his choice to leave it for a woman to clean repeatedly

Absolutely grim.

Practically speaking, I see someone upthread has suggested a bum hose, which are inexpensive and not difficult to install in an ordinary loo. But given his attitude, I wonder of he'd just get shitty water everywhere. And leave it for you to clear up.

The baby lotion suggestion on loo paper was a better idea that wipes.

I can smell the tiniest bit of shit on pants or sheets or anywhere else, personally, and so the idea of leaving stuff in the wash basket does not appeal.
As a last resort, I would be tempted to buy a lidded nappy basket with something like Napisan (do they still have that?) for his kecks.

But it sounds as though he basically can't be bothered to clean himself properly, and he is leaving it for you, in a way that is totally disrespectful and dismissive of something THAT IS REALLY BLOODY HORRIBLE.
I would tell him firmly that if he has this condition, tough, he has to adjust his toileting habits. Non negotiable.

(Please forgive me, I am taking it seriously but all of these dreadful puns occurred to me : It sounds as though he can't be arsed to clean himself properly, if he has this condition, tough shit, the bottom line is he should adjust his toileting habits, sorry)

I wouldn't worry about his embarrassment, this is about respect and finding practical solutions.

How would you react if he refused to wash your period stained underwear or bedsheets for the same reason? If he does refuse then fine. But if he does wash it (and you would be expecting him to wash bedsheets when you bleed after having the baby) then you need to accept he has a medical problem and support him too. Especially as, you said, he does his fair share of the housework.

Should point out I had fecal leakage after having baby and still do to an extent - DH does all the laundry, he used to even clean up my shit because for the first 6 weeks after the birth I could only poo in the shower. So I do think spouses need to support each other in ill health - but only if he would support you too.

Period stained fabrics should be handwashed in cold water before putting in the machine, to avoid stains.

Just as he should be washing his own shitty pants, OP should wash her own period stained fabrics.

A temporary situation such as post-partum is different to washing someone's shitty pant for LIFE.

@Ozanj

Should point out I had fecal leakage after having baby and still do to an extent - DH does all the laundry, he used to even clean up my shit because for the first 6 weeks after the birth I could only poo in the shower. So I do think spouses need to support each other in ill health - but only if he would support you too.

Why wouldnt you clean your own poo up? Genuine question, not trying to be goady.

Of course spouse should support each other.
But it doesn't feel very supportive for someone to tell their spouse that proper wiping won't happen, because it takes ages.
(There numbers of suggestions regarding this in previous posts)

When I flooded when menstruating, I soaked my underwear and then one of us bunged it into the wash.
I did my best to see it didn't leak on to the sheets by wearing appropriate protection, rather than just saying the equivalent of “oh well…”