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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell OH I am no longer washing his dirty pants?!

157 replies

GrilledCheese27 · 09/01/2022 11:10

Name changed to avoid being linked to my pregnancy/bump group!

Together 3 years, great relationship, amazing man. Currently expecting our first baby together. BUT (and it's a big but!)...

The man has skid marks in his boxers almost daily. I've broached the subject numerous times, told him to sort it out. Wipe properly (he says he does, but sometimes it's "impossible to, it'll take ages" (?!). The final straw was this morning as I was making the bed. Skidmarks on the bottom sheet. When he came upstairs to say goodbye before he left for work I told him he needs to change the sheets. There is shit marks and I am not touching it. I also told him I'm no longer washing his boxers.

He does have IBS, he is a very (read EXTREMELY) windy person and I don't mind this as it clearly cannot be helped. Wiping your arse properly is a choice though! I'm 29 weeks pregnant with a very annoying hemmeroid and my pants are always clean! He showers every single morning without fail so he's generally a very hygienic person.

I don't want to embarrass him but I don't want to be involved in the shit show, literally! I am going to ask him to wear pyjamas in bed from now on but is it an overreaction to ask him to perhaps go to the Dr's?!

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 15:46

Get him a seperate wash basket for poo related washing

Lucyccfc68 · 09/01/2022 15:57

I have had IBS for years and not once have I ever left skid marks in my pants or on the bed sheets. He needs to just wipe his arse properly.

I would be putting his poo stained clothes in a plastic bag and letting him deal with them. If they were there for more than 24 hours, they would go in the bin.

IBS is not an excuse to behave like this.

SailingNotSurfing · 09/01/2022 16:03

Assuming you’re not the poo troll, I can’t see the dilemma. Tell him to grow the fuck up and clean himself properly!

Your husband is soiling himself and staining his clothes and bed linen with faecal matter. He’s not a child. He must smell unpleasant and I’m surprised his colleagues haven’t commented on his lack of personal hygiene.

Your bar must be set really low to be in a relationship such a revolting human being.

DebIr · 09/01/2022 16:06

Maybe make it about him and not about you.
You only have to read the comments here to know why he isn’t going to want to talk to you about these issues. Try and imagine how he feels. Very normal to deny problems initially.

tandemrider · 09/01/2022 16:08

Lots of suggestions for wipes, no wipes are properly flushable. We keep a bottle of baby lotion by the loo roll and use some on loo roll to get the last bits off.

DebIr · 09/01/2022 16:16

IBS can cause incontinence. Check the NHS website. As can many other conditions.
A sample size of 1 tells us nothing.
An incontinence for whatever reason is very difficult to live with. Interestingly there’s a thread from a woman with faecal incontinence who is getting loads of support on here.

DefyingSanity · 09/01/2022 16:19

@Igloo79

Lots of use of the word grim here to describe a medical condition!

The shitty sheets are grim, not the medical condition.

Right?! Can't believe how cruel some of the posters are being here. Can you imagine if some man posted about his girlfriend's period stains in her knickers or that she had accidentally leaked period blood in the bed. There would be an uproar about "natural" female bodily functions! This poor man has a medical condition. Some of you are going to be very cruel when you and your partners are senile if you're this judgemental and snooty.
DebIr · 09/01/2022 16:23

Maybe I am naive but as someone who has seen countless consultants, physios and nurses, had 5 ops and struggles daily, I cannot believe anyone chooses to soil their clothes or sheets. Hence my concern.

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 09/01/2022 16:23

Can you imagine if some man posted about his girlfriend's period stains in her knickers or that she had accidentally leaked period blood in the bed

If she was too bloody lazy to clean herself and left the blood stained bedding for him to clean up then everyone would back him up. But it would never happen, so a stupid analogy

DebIr · 09/01/2022 16:25

And just to add my husband is supportive but I still find it difficult to discuss with him. If for any reason I was no longer with him this alone would mean I stayed single.

Covidclaire · 09/01/2022 16:33

I just don’t understand some men. I’d be absolutely mortified if OH saw skid marks in my pants, or if I left skid marks on the bed. But it seems some men just really don’t care.

5keletor · 09/01/2022 16:34

The fact he is saying it takes too long to wipe properly makes me think it isn't incontinence, just that he simply can't be bothered to make sure he's clean after a poo.
If it does turn out to be a medical issue he really can't help, then he does need to be the one to clean the soiled garments without being prompted. Leaving skid marks on sheets for someone else to deal with is disgusting.

gamerchick · 09/01/2022 16:37

My bet is he was taught to o wipe his arse by reaching in-between his legs rather than around the back. Nobody can get clean properly that way.

Branleuse · 09/01/2022 16:37

Tell him that you appreciate this is awkward and embarrassing for him but it is awkward and embarrassing for you too and you cannot continue like this. Say that the frequency of shitty underwear has increased and this morning there was shit on the bedsheets. Its not a private problem that he is self managing since he leaves them all for you to deal with. He needs to work out what is causing it and he needs to deal with the mess himself.

Overdon · 09/01/2022 16:42

You can get these toilet seat bidets, not used one myself but they are supposed to fairly easy to install on your toilet there not that expensive either.

gamerchick · 09/01/2022 16:42

@DebIr

Have mulled over whether to reply but this post has so upset me. Your husband is incontinent and your support is to shame him and post on here.
Someone who is able bodied should take care of their own mess. Incontinence or not.
Tavelo · 09/01/2022 16:48

There's no such thing as ibs, it's a term doctors use to mean 'can't be arsed diagnosing you'. He mught have coeliac disease/wheat sensitivity. Which affects 12% of people and is one of the most undiagnosed conditions of all.

CharityDingle · 09/01/2022 17:02

@JanuaryBluehoo

Oh dear op I do feel for you!!. My dh unfortunately has had it drummed into him not to waste loo paper so he doesn't use enough. I often joke about having to get tongs to pick them up.

He doesn't understand or get it.

Thankfully however we've never ever had skid marks on the bed.

Can you get one of these hose things by the loo?.
And secondly put a special plastic sheet down his side of the bed??

He is a grown man, regardless of what he was taught, 'unfortunately' growing up, about how much toilet paper to use, he surely must be capable of wiping his own backside. Hmm

Perhaps if he had to pick up his own dirty underwear and wash it, he would 'understand and get it' very fast.

I have never used the word 'grim' on here before but I'm using it now, grim.

Oldraver · 09/01/2022 17:09

@LuckyKitty13

We cloth nappy our baby, and also use reusable wipes for both baby and us . I’m never going back to paper now - it is so much easier to stay clean with wipes! I have made ours from an old bath towel and just overlocked the edges. But you can buy them from places like “cheeky wipes” with all the kit. I just wash them with the nappies.
Try fleece wipes, dont even need overlocking. You can also use up an old fleecee tops
granny24 · 09/01/2022 17:23

I can’t believe people are being so horrible about a medical problem. I have a problem with fecal incontinence and it is so humiliating. I can wipe and wipe, use wet wipes etc etc. I often have no idea that I have done a little poo. I have sought medical advice, even had an op, but it is what it is. I just hope none of you ‘grim’ people ever have this problem. I understand your husband’s comments about it taking ages. I can clean until I bleed, but five minutes later………

theremustonlybeone · 09/01/2022 17:33

Now if i had IBS and knew i had skids etc i would be mortified and ensure i dealt with the sheets and pants. The fact he leaves them for you says it all. You say he does his share of housework- that is kind of normal with two adults living in a home. However seems you do all the laundry. Time for some stern words before your baby arrives as it will only get worse

Blanca87 · 09/01/2022 17:35

Is he a stander upper or sit downer when he wipes his bum? I’m going to be controversial here and say he sounds like he stands up when wiping and not getting right in the crevice of his arse crack…

TheNestedIf · 09/01/2022 17:36

I have a lot of sympathy for the IBS, but no sympathy for him not taking steps to mitigate the consequences, and leaving you to deal with it.

I'm not sure about the assertion he can't wipe properly, but if it is true, why can't he wear panty liners, or if the problem is that bad, sanitary towels, or incontinence underwear? Women are expected to wear these things for less unpleasant, indeed sometimes far less unpleasant, bodily substances.

Dizzylizzy22 · 09/01/2022 17:42

@BigYellowHat

Tell him you’re also not having sex until this is sorted. I personally wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who had a dirty bum 💩
Agree in he should try to keep cleaner. Do you not know anyone with IBS though? It's really not a pleasant condition to live with so withdrawing sex seems a bit bonkers
MyGreenTutu · 09/01/2022 17:44

@PooPooPongDelong

Wet wipes and nappy sacks If its medical I wouldn't embarrass him over this It's not really a big deal and easily sorted
A more environmentally friendly option is some unscented baby location / cleanser on a pice of loo roll. FWIW I would not stand for shit stains on clothes or sheets either.
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