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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

711 replies

Curato · 09/01/2022 09:43

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 09/01/2022 12:03

what I would be concerned about, and talk through with her is being groomed to move drugs or money and unwittingly get caught up in something she isn't aware, at first is illegal.then once you do realise - its to late as you've been working illegally so are in trouble in any case. some dc are more naive than others

GoGoGretaDoll · 09/01/2022 12:04

The simplest explanation is usually the right one: I suspect it's Klarna or credit cards or something like that, which she knows you won't approve of. Very easy to get your head turned by free credit when you're a student (I've been there, got the T shirt).

It's clearly not influencing or tutoring or anything like that, because she'd tell her mum. And also it would be easy to find that out with a quick google.

OnlyFans - yeah maybe, but it's quite hard to make a lot of money these days (I'm told). A grand is a lot of feet photos.

Muleing or Sugar Daddy/Escorting is of course possible, but as I say I think it's more likely to be money muddles.

Jacketpotato84 · 09/01/2022 12:05

Ah sorry I didn't see the bit about doing something on the side that's going pretty well, so that wouldn't be credit cards, free items ect,
Yeah actually I would be wanting to know where that money is coming from but would accept that she doesn't have to tell me buuuttt if you are worried it's criminal activity then I would definitely be trying to find out what's going on.
If it's only fans selling pics ect then she is probably embarrassed to tell you it does seem suspect that she has hasnt just said oh I got a little job, im selling stuff ect,
Maybe she wants you to think she is doing well and celebrating her own independce it very well could be feet pictures!
Some men with lots of money like to treat women with gifts and money as part of a wierd fetish thing without anything in return! It could be that I don't know.

NiceShrubbery · 09/01/2022 12:05

[quote KurtWilde]@NiceShrubbery her daughter is an ADULT. And as someone who's been on the receiving end of coercive control I most certainly know what it looks like. It's manipulative and she risks not only alienating her DD but also her DS. [/quote]
I've been on the end of it too. Whatever.

This girl has got into something messy. There is no such thing as easy money, really there isn't.

By saying or doing nothing, OP risks having to clean up a bigger mess further down the line. I'd risk being called an interfering cow, an adolescent strop and dd not speaking to me for a few weeks because she's been rumbled, if it made her think twice.

Carpetdrought · 09/01/2022 12:05

Ridiculous to punish the sibling. Just cut her off from the 100£ a month. She doesn’t need it clearly.

tiredanddangerous · 09/01/2022 12:07

My first thought was that she's got carried away with a credit card. I'm surprised that so many posters have jumped straight to porn/onlyfans to be honest.

If she's that close to ds, does he know anything?

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 12:07

@tiredanddangerous

My first thought was that she's got carried away with a credit card. I'm surprised that so many posters have jumped straight to porn/onlyfans to be honest.

If she's that close to ds, does he know anything?

People have jumped to that because she said she's got a sideline.

NerrSnerr · 09/01/2022 12:11

If you start pushing her to tell you she'll pull away from you. She clearly doesn't want to talk about it right now so all you can do is keep the lines of communication open and let her know that she can come to you and if she's in trouble you'll support her in a non-judgmental manner (and mean it).

I'd be weary to cut the £100 a month off just yet, just in case she is in bother and doesn't feel she can come to you if she is out of her depth.

NamechangeApril21 · 09/01/2022 12:11

@Curato

Thanks for all the replies.

I admit my first thought was that she was involved with drugs or something else illegal. I hadn’t considered sex work etc but maybe that’s my naivety.

She did spend a little more on mine and her dad’s Christmas presents but nothing near as stark as ds ( they do adore each other though).

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

Thats emotional blackmail and will not only push your dd away, but likely your ds too.

LakieLady · 09/01/2022 12:11

@Restart10

Sounds like she could have a sugar daddy. Either way you definitely need to know. She may be at uni and considered an adult, but if she's doing dodgy and degrading things to get this money then she needs to be called out on it.

I disagree. She's an adult and capable of making informed choices. And judging her won't help her make better ones.

If I was in OP's shoes, I'd be having a conversation that started from the point that I was concerned and pointing out the pitfalls of some ways of making money that seem safe and consequence-free on the face of it.

Eg, onlyfans etc could screw up career choices because once those images are out there, there's no getting them back, and some prospective employers do scour the internet checking out possible hires.

Drug dealing/money muling could put her in prison or get her caught up in turf wars or worse. Criminals are never nice people, just skilled at seeming it.

Sex work/escorting is risky and exploitative and also often run by people who are criminal and therefore unscrupulous. The "high-class hooker" is a myth, there's really no such thing.

Or she could just be waitressing somewhere very exclusive where she gets massive tips. A friend did this when she was at uni in London in the noughties.

It's really hard to let your kids make their own mistakes, but once they're living away from home and over 18, you can't really stop them, just be there to pick up the pieces if it all goes tits up.

TheWitchCirce · 09/01/2022 12:13

I don't know why you would take the gifts away - unless you think they are stolen property. She is an adult, I think keeping the lines of communication open is essential and discussing your concerns calmly and rationally.

Notimeforaname · 09/01/2022 12:14

All I can think is
Lap dancing
Only fans
Sugar daddy...
or something else appealing to men who will pay a lot.

Drugs?

Opaljewel · 09/01/2022 12:14

Only fans

tiredanddangerous · 09/01/2022 12:15

^tiredanddangerous
My first thought was that she's got carried away with a credit card. I'm surprised that so many posters have jumped straight to porn/onlyfans to be honest.^

People have jumped to that because she said she's got a sideline.

Well yes but if she doesn't want to admit to credit card debt what else is she going to say?

sweetbellyhigh · 09/01/2022 12:16

Did she really say she has a side hustle but wouldn't tell you what? I just cannot imagine anyone saying that. And why would she bother with a post part time job if she has a lucrative side hustle?

Lots not adding up here.

Mind you, your idea about confiscating the gifts is nuts, it's amazing she even speaks to you if this is how you parent.

It's all deeply weird.

BrimFullOfAsher · 09/01/2022 12:17

I don't know why you even think that course if action would be productive?!

As PPs have said, it's emotional blackmail and coercive control. Not to mention grossly unfair to punish your DS.

All you need from you DD is reassurance that she is not engaged in anything illegal and to let her know you're there if she needs you. Anything else is nothing to do with you.

What would you say if she did tell you she was doing OnlyFans? Or other similar online sex work?

Notimeforaname · 09/01/2022 12:17

Oh yes and as above ,dont punish your son.

Take away the 100 per month from her. She doesn't need it.

Nocutenamesleft · 09/01/2022 12:19

Sugar daddy??

whumpthereitis · 09/01/2022 12:19

Lol, ‘cool mum’, what does that even mean in this context? Not going full Stalin because an adult woman doesn’t want to share her business with mummy? Be interested to know how the uncool mums think they’re going to force the issue and still maintain a good relationship with their family.

Frazzled50yrold · 09/01/2022 12:19

My 19 yr old student daughter once told me a chilling tale about being in the uni library and noticing that many of the female students were collected by sugar daddies or whatever title is appropriate.They actually waited for them in the coffee shop of the library. I was genuinely surprised that they fitted these men into their routine to that extent.

Pheebs2021 · 09/01/2022 12:20

From personal experience please ask her and don't be judgemental at the answers.

wizzywig · 09/01/2022 12:21

Most people seem to be so cool with the idea of their kids being porn stars. I'd be horrified

rrhuth · 09/01/2022 12:21

If she won't tell you then I think you should refuse the gifts.

I think you can ask her outright if it is legal.

I also think you can have a conversation with her that if she won't tell you what it is, that might suggest that she herself does not feel OK with what she is doing.

But ultimately, as an adult, she doesn't have to tell you.

Icantrememberthenameoftheartis · 09/01/2022 12:21

I suspect it’s OnlyFans. I have a niece who is mid 20’s and so many of her friends are doing OnlyFans. It varies hugely too. She has a friend who does ‘bikini photos only’. So all photos of her in her bra/knickers but no naked. Right through to another friend who does full frontal nude and with sex toys for extra tips. What really shocked me was the casual way she told me. Unfortunately OnlyFans is not a big deal to so many of this generation because it’s ‘only photos’ and they’ve grown up with social media and are used to over sharing their personal lives already. I would try and have a chat with her because you’re concerned.

rrhuth · 09/01/2022 12:22

I wouldn't return the gifts already given, but tell her that no more are welcome.

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