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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

711 replies

Curato · 09/01/2022 09:43

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

OP posts:
StationaryMagpie · 09/01/2022 12:23

@Curato

Thanks for all the replies.

I admit my first thought was that she was involved with drugs or something else illegal. I hadn’t considered sex work etc but maybe that’s my naivety.

She did spend a little more on mine and her dad’s Christmas presents but nothing near as stark as ds ( they do adore each other though).

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

Don't be ridiculous.

Are you trying to upset/alienate both your children at once? Don't upset your DS just because you're trying to control your adult daughter.

I'm actually genuinely disgusted and horrified that doing that would even cross your mind.

PooPooPongDelong · 09/01/2022 12:24

@Pheebs2021

From personal experience please ask her and don't be judgemental at the answers.
Erm... she has, the daughter won't say
MattDamon · 09/01/2022 12:24

@EishetChayil

The cool mums are out in force on this thread!
Grin
To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from
mumshouse · 09/01/2022 12:26

OnlyFans is absolutely flooded with beautiful girls selling underwear pics. To be making "here have a new iphone" money, I'd imagine would be a few steps beyond that.

But she is an adult. And it's safer than dealing weed.

mumshouse · 09/01/2022 12:28

unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

They've come from her income. Whether it's selling burgers or tit pics, it won't taint the gift. Don't try and come between their relationship.

NerrSnerr · 09/01/2022 12:29

How do the people who are talking about 'cool mums' suggest the OP reacts without pushing her daughter away?

RiverSkater · 09/01/2022 12:30

Maybe she has a Sugar Daddy? You could do some sloothing.

Or had she been on the £10 a day thread?

There are very few side legit hustles that make that amount of money as if they were legit we would all be doing them.

rrhuth · 09/01/2022 12:30

@mumshouse

OnlyFans is absolutely flooded with beautiful girls selling underwear pics. To be making "here have a new iphone" money, I'd imagine would be a few steps beyond that.

But she is an adult. And it's safer than dealing weed.

Not emotionally safer IMO.

I would be absolutely gutted if my child was doing that.

InFiveMins · 09/01/2022 12:31

Massive overreaction to confiscate the items from your son OP! Trying to hold her to ransom is massively childish. It's frankly none of your business how she came to afford them - sex work or not. She's a grown woman making her own choices - leave her to it.

NamechangeApril21 · 09/01/2022 12:31

@EishetChayil

The cool mums are out in force on this thread!
Not necessarily cool mums, maybe just mums who previously had difficult and over bearing relationships with their own mothers at that age trying to weigh in.

All this jumping to only fans and sex work when that may not be the case - if you accuse her of that when that's not the case you'll damage the relationship. If you try and force her to tell you through manipulations, emotional behaviour or coercive control, you'll damage the relationship. If you continue to "insist" to be told and it comes across that you want to know out of some sense of entitlement, rather than concern, you'll damage the relationship.

Echoing a previous poster who said, "tell her you trust her, but if you're ever in trouble or unsafe, we're always her for you and don't be afraid to ask for help." It let's her know you respect her, you're concerned about her, that you're door is always open and gives her a dignified exit should she need it. It doesn't push her away, alienate her or make her stubborn and dig her heels in against you.

My mum was very religious, completely against alcohol and I grew up in a very strict household where I literally told her nothing because of her total over reactions to completely normal things. She was nosey, over bearing and constantly over stepped because she believed she had a right to every aspect of my life, which she justified with faux concern - even now and we have a very fracturous relationship because of it now. I supported myself in university by working in a bar, perfectly fine - but I had to lie to mum about it because it would be akin to prostitution in her warped view. She did eventually find out, and tried all forms of emotional blackmail to get me to quit, and it resulted in me never going home again. She withdrew all kind of help and support and changed the locks, but if the price of her help and support is having no say or autonomy over my own life, I'd rather not have it. She's an adult, you can confiscate the gifts from you're son, and withdraw you're open door and your £100 a month support, but that might also jusy push her away more. All I'm saying is tread carefully.

Lou98 · 09/01/2022 12:33

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

Ah blackmail at it's finest, you're saying that to get her to tell you something she doesn't want to. If you were that worried about your son keeping them you'd have taken them off him already. He's also 16, not a young child - I think that's a sure fire way to alienate both your children.

If it was only fans or similar I wouldn't think she'd be buying presents that would make you question where her income is coming from, I'd imagine she would want to try hide that not alert you to it.
She could have started a YouTube channel/Instagram account and become an influencer. Nothing wrong with doing it but a lot of people think it's silly (despite them earning well) so could be she thought you'd laugh and didn't want your opinion

NamechangeApril21 · 09/01/2022 12:33

Ignore a my wrong yours đŸ™ˆ

WonderfulYou · 09/01/2022 12:37

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

YABU
You have absolutely every right to feel concerned but do you really think insisting she tells you and confiscating these things are really going to get her to tell you?

It will only push her away and make her lie to or cut you off completely - how is that going to help?
If she does in trouble financially or physically then she’s going to feel like she can’t come to you and get herself in more trouble.

It is better to be supportive and find out in a way that she thinks you’re on her side.

If she was posting nude videos or getting involved in drugs what would you do?

Ellmau · 09/01/2022 12:38

Whatever it is she's obviously ashamed of it or she would be open about it.

I think I would tell her you're concerned she may be putting herself or her future in danger in some way. Try not to sound judgmental.

octopusrus · 09/01/2022 12:38

Can't believe the smiley faces and nonchalance about Only Fans and similar work.

I feel like we've taken a step back about 30 years in the last 5. Is it really just a shrug of the shoulders and saying 'well it's her choice' when a girl that age decides on sex work?

I feel like crying.

whumpthereitis · 09/01/2022 12:39

‘Whatever it is she’s obviously ashamed of it’

No, it’s not obvious at all. She could be perfectly comfortable with it, she just doesn’t want to deal with her mother’s opinion on it.

WonderfulYou · 09/01/2022 12:41

@EishetChayil
what would your advice be?

How would you stop an 18+ year old who doesn’t live at home doing what she’s doing?

PAND0RA · 09/01/2022 12:42

@Mummy1608

It is very hard to get that kind of money from onlyfans - hundreds of pounds a month. Imo it's extremely unlikely to be onlyfans on its own with that kind of money. Drug muling, escorting, etc yield a lot more money, or even just dating a rich older man. Yanbu to speak to her about your concerns. I'd be very concerned in your position. I hope I'm wrong and your DD is OK.
Id be very worried too , it’s more than she would get on Only Fans and if she was an influencer she would tell you ( and ask all your friends to follow her ).

More likely selling sex, drugs or money laundering , like deets and squares.

whumpthereitis · 09/01/2022 12:43

‘Is it really just a shrug of the shoulders and saying 'well it's her choice' when a girl that age decides on sex work?‘

Well, yes. She’s an adult, perfectly entitled to make her own choices within the confines of the law. You’re free to dislike it, but you’re not free to dictate another adult’s actions.

JustLikea · 09/01/2022 12:43

Why is she buying your DS all these items and not you is all I'm thinking in this situation

Thatldo · 09/01/2022 12:46

@octopusrus

Can't believe the smiley faces and nonchalance about Only Fans and similar work.

I feel like we've taken a step back about 30 years in the last 5. Is it really just a shrug of the shoulders and saying 'well it's her choice' when a girl that age decides on sex work?

I feel like crying.

Totally agree with you.the blasé attitude of a young woman selling herself is shocking.I would be so sad as her mother,to have a daughter with such low selfesteem and value of herself.She bought the expensive gifts for DS because she thinks it will make her feel better.Nobody who sells herself(in whatever form) feels good about themselves.
StationaryMagpie · 09/01/2022 12:47

@JustLikea

Why is she buying your DS all these items and not you is all I'm thinking in this situation
i'd say her mothers reactions in this thread are probably a huge indicator.
BurntO · 09/01/2022 12:47

I’d also be considering only fans. It’s becoming quite acceptable and in some circles. I’d have another chat with her about it and just ask her to be safe and also advise that she saves as much as she can!

Ileflottante · 09/01/2022 12:47

First thoughts were Onlyfans, stripping or Sugar Daddying. I expect it would be something ‘removed’ like online cam work, rather than stripping though as that’s too ‘personal’. You can make a fortune via Sugar Daddy stuff, but that’s because it’s kind of fucked.

It might be innocent but if it was, she’d be open about it wouldn’t she?

Piggyk2 · 09/01/2022 12:47

Is the IPhone one of the newer models? If so I wouldn't be accepting such large gifts.
An Apple watch on top.... she doesn't have to tell you no. Also you don't have to accept such big gifts... tricky as her brother is 16.

I would voice your concerns... even with a full time job these are expensive gifts OP.

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