Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

711 replies

Curato · 09/01/2022 09:43

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

OP posts:
Notwithittoday · 09/01/2022 11:41

I think you really need to talk to her. She’s still young and she may not understand the future implications of something like onlyfans or cam girls. She couldn’t have a job working with children for example. She might not want that kind of job now but when she’s older things change

peggriff · 09/01/2022 11:42

There are other possibilities. A friend of mine at that age decided university was so easy she could have a full time job while also doing a full time degree, and had a similar pattern of suddenly buying overly generous gifts (although not quite that generous!) for people. She was making about £20,000/year and had a decent maintenance loan as well so she had a lot more money spare than any of her colleagues and didn't really think about saving it. She failed her exams at the end of the year though. I think it's easy to get overexcited about how much you can earn at that age - I was doing twelve hours a day seven days a week at a minimum wage job for four months solid when I got my first full time job, because I couldn't believe how much money I had compared to being at home. She might be avoiding telling you if she is dropping out, or if she is working loads but thinks she can study as well she might be avoiding it because she knows you'd disagree.

On the other hand, it could be sex work, drugs etc. or some kind of get-rich-quick scheme she knows you'd disapprove of.

Whatever it is though, I think you need to find out. I'd try emphasising that you know you can't tell her what to do, and whatever it is if she wants to continue it that's on her, but if you know then if anything does go wrong you can support her.

LollyPops111 · 09/01/2022 11:43

The fact she’s clearly not being open about where the money is coming from is enough to ring alarm bells. It’s unlikely she would use a credit card, if she’s not on a regular income and able to make the repayments. OP I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to know where the money came from, any parent would be equally concerned.

Jacketpotato84 · 09/01/2022 11:44

She might have got it free with a phone contract, internet contract, she's young right she might have got it off a catalogue and paying it off, to get credit rating raised and her bro a nice gift,
It's probably not anything sinister,
Ask her if you want but she don't have to tell you she's an adult now free to make her own choices on her life.

BorisBooster · 09/01/2022 11:44

Withdraw the £100 per month and when she is home during holidays ask her to contribute to the house bills. If she wants to be an adult with an income this is the reality.

No matter how much I was earning as student I wouldn't be spending so much on a sibling !

Backtoblack1 · 09/01/2022 11:46

At best - only fans

At worst - escorting or selling drugs

KurtWilde · 09/01/2022 11:47

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

Good god don't do this unless you're ok with ending your relationship with your daughter! That's emotional manipulation and coercive control!

Pugroll · 09/01/2022 11:47

Just say it's great you have an income stream now and won't be requiring financial support from us.

FlasherMcGruff · 09/01/2022 11:47

*for the gifts

Caramellatteplease · 09/01/2022 11:48

I think you need to have a good thing as to whether you want to know because you think you have a right to (you don't) or because of genuine concern for her welfare and wellbeing

alexdgr8 · 09/01/2022 11:48

@MrMistoffee

Oh, and if she's happy, confident and safe doing whatever it is then there's no need for you to be ashamed of it. (Which is probably why she won't tell you as she thinks that would be your reaction)
this is not correct. criminal activity is rightly something to be ashamed of. she may be involved in money laundering. or something equally illegal. setting herself up for ruining her career prospects before it has really started. may be due to greed, gullibility, over confidence, arrogance, or amoral personality.
SometimesRavenSometimesParrot · 09/01/2022 11:49

@Curato

Thanks for all the replies.

I admit my first thought was that she was involved with drugs or something else illegal. I hadn’t considered sex work etc but maybe that’s my naivety.

She did spend a little more on mine and her dad’s Christmas presents but nothing near as stark as ds ( they do adore each other though).

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

This is massively unfair to your DS who hasn’t done anything wrong and an excellent way to really damage your relationship with your daughter and ensure she won’t tell you anything.
Fairyliz · 09/01/2022 11:51

@PlanktonsComputerWife

I would not leap to suspect sex work.Confused Especially as hardly anyone makes any real money from onlyfans.

At university I made shedloads in cash from tutoring foreign students in English and proofreading their essays.

But surely making lots of money from tutoring would be something to be proud of, so you would tell your parents? I would be impressed by my child’s entrepreneurial spirit if they had done this.
EishetChayil · 09/01/2022 11:52

The cool mums are out in force on this thread!

whumpthereitis · 09/01/2022 11:53

Then watch her not come home for the holidays 🤷🏻‍♀️ Punitive measures because OP is butthurt her adult daughter doesn’t want to share her business are going to achieve what, exactly?

You can’t force her to tell you. As hard as it may be to accept, she’s an adult with a right to privacy and you’re not entitled to know. Trying to force the issue, sending her articles about sex work, confiscating property etc is only going to push her away. Stand back like her father is and respect her as an adult, no matter your misgivings she has the right to make her own decisions and her own mistakes. If she does get into trouble you doing that is going to enable her to come to you for help, anything else is going to see her dig her heels in against you.

Oddbobbyboo · 09/01/2022 11:53

My DD is at university and a lot of her friends are selling photos on only fans. My DD asked if she could do the same. I don’t know much about it to be honest but just said she needs to be careful of posting stuff that identifies her. She said her friend posts photos of her feet….. 🧐

ivykaty44 · 09/01/2022 11:55

@Curato

Thanks for all the replies.

I admit my first thought was that she was involved with drugs or something else illegal. I hadn’t considered sex work etc but maybe that’s my naivety.

She did spend a little more on mine and her dad’s Christmas presents but nothing near as stark as ds ( they do adore each other though).

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

Wow, thats really going to drive a wedge between you all. if you want to have a bad relationship with your dd and ds do that and you'll achieve it.

I would communicate your worries in as simple a format as possible, explain that by her not telling you where the money is coming from you are concerned that it not something she thinks you would approve of, you'd like to have a good relationship with her and build trust.

you really seriously can't beat them both with a stick, use trust, praise and decent level communication

KurtWilde · 09/01/2022 11:56

@EishetChayil

The cool mums are out in force on this thread!
It's not being a 'cool mum' to respect the fact that your child is now an adult and as such they don't need to tell you everything Hmm
NiceShrubbery · 09/01/2022 11:56

@KurtWilde

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

Good god don't do this unless you're ok with ending your relationship with your daughter! That's emotional manipulation and coercive control!

It is not. Coercive control involves the systematic inducing of fear and making threats against someone.

This is the OP setting clear personal boundaries about what she will and won't accept under her own roof, exercising parental control over a 16yo who still needs to learn about what's ok to gift and what isn't, and showing her daughter that if she is technically an adult, then she needs to behave like one, not like a defiant teenager.

OP's daughter is essentially lying to her mother by omission. Deliberately withholding information because she knows it's wrong. You wouldn't accept that from any other adult would you?

LollyPops111 · 09/01/2022 11:57

@Jacketpotato84

She might have got it free with a phone contract, internet contract, she's young right she might have got it off a catalogue and paying it off, to get credit rating raised and her bro a nice gift, It's probably not anything sinister, Ask her if you want but she don't have to tell you she's an adult now free to make her own choices on her life.
No company is going to give out hundreds of pounds worth of products with a phone contract. Also the OP daughter won’t tell her mum where the money came from, off course she doesn’t have to say but surely if she wasn’t hiding anything she’d be open about it.

If she can afford to spends hundreds of pounds on her brother, then it’s clear you no longer need to substitute her the £100 per month.

whynotwhatknot · 09/01/2022 11:57

Over a thousand spent on her db thats not normal even if they are close

if she has got a credit card she needs to know it wont be written off just because shes a student

anything else well thats for you to discuss i wouldnt like all that spent from ill gotten earnings

Yaya26 · 09/01/2022 11:57

Escorting??

KurtWilde · 09/01/2022 11:58

@NiceShrubbery her daughter is an ADULT. And as someone who's been on the receiving end of coercive control I most certainly know what it looks like. It's manipulative and she risks not only alienating her DD but also her DS.

oneglassandpuzzled · 09/01/2022 11:59

@EishetChayil

The cool mums are out in force on this thread!
They certainly are!

😧

Viviennemary · 09/01/2022 12:01

You are right to be concerned. I would be a worried that it was something illegal or immoral. Very suspicious she won't tell you. Sounds as if she knows you would disapprove.