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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

711 replies

Curato · 09/01/2022 09:43

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

OP posts:
FlimFlamAndJudy · 09/01/2022 11:24

@shouldistop

Is your dh her dad? I suppose you can't insist but I'd be concerned too. She might be an adult but she's still your daughter.
What does this question have to do with the price of fish?
Original poster
Curato · 09/01/2022 11:25

Thanks for all the replies.

I admit my first thought was that she was involved with drugs or something else illegal. I hadn’t considered sex work etc but maybe that’s my naivety.

She did spend a little more on mine and her dad’s Christmas presents but nothing near as stark as ds ( they do adore each other though).

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 11:25

@FlimFlamAndJudy it's much easier for an emotionally detached person to take a rational approach

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 09/01/2022 11:26

I'd go with "I trust you, but if you ever get in any trouble or need help, please ask"

Tal45 · 09/01/2022 11:27

To make that much money and not want to tell you about it is really worrying IMO. I would tell her that you can't make her tell you what she's doing but you're really worried about her safety and the future consequences that she might not have considered. I would also tell her that if it's illegal you don't want her spending any of it on the family as you don't want to be profiting from anything illegal.

PonyPatter44 · 09/01/2022 11:27

I agree with @NashvilleQueen - I could be in a bit of trouble if these items were bought with proceeds of crime, so she needs to explain where the money is coming from, otherwise he will have to give them back to her.

bevelino · 09/01/2022 11:27

OP, I haven’t seen one positive comment online about OF and hope your dd is not embroiled in that world. My own dds who are students love spending money but I would find it completely unacceptable if they became sex workers.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 11:27

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

Emotional blackmail probably isn't the best approach.

PlanktonsComputerWife · 09/01/2022 11:28

@hugr My mother was always reading my diary and nosing her way into my business from the time I was a child. I definitely never told her anything (and still don't)

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 09/01/2022 11:33

If she's involved in the sex trade, even just online, she has no control over where her pictures are going and who is seeing them, and they will be out there permanently. This may affect her career and personal prospects later in her life. If she's having physical contact with the buyers, she is in danger of STIs and violence.

You are right to be worried. I hope she'll let you talk with her, and give her some of the useful information posted in this thread.

Caramellatteplease · 09/01/2022 11:33

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

Yeah dont do that. Quite aside from the fact it's his present, you seem to completely missing the point. By doing that you show absolutely zip concern for your DD's wellbeing. Your DD's wellbeing should really be your sole concern in this

whumpthereitis · 09/01/2022 11:33

That approach is likely to blow up on you with both of your children and unite them against you. She’s not going to be blackmailed into telling you, and your son is not going to want to have his gifts confiscated.

hugr · 09/01/2022 11:34

[quote PlanktonsComputerWife]@hugr My mother was always reading my diary and nosing her way into my business from the time I was a child. I definitely never told her anything (and still don't)[/quote]
But the DD has told her she has "something going on the side", so she has told her mum. She just won't say what it is

Iamanicepersonreally · 09/01/2022 11:34

You can’t confiscate them. They’re not yours. If you do that do you really think she’ll ever trust you again?

MrsWooster · 09/01/2022 11:35

Be careful iwith the punitive (confiscate) approach. You sound, quite rightly, concerned for her but you need to support her to see the dangers or it’s likely she’ll simply pull away from you.
I’d tell her you’re worried, tell her that tou realise you can’t force her into anything but you want her to be safe and protected. Send her the article on sex work and tell her about the dreadful difficulty in extricating herself from a world which seems at first to offer only benefits. How the escorting of ‘nice’ men now becomes an inescapable life that only gets deeper and deeper-too lucrative, too secretive, utterly enmeshing.
Warn her, tell her you can’t let her use the proceeds of something you abhor (assuming you do) to benefit family, and that you will continue to support her financially so she can manage, albeit frugally, without her “side thing”.
Give her a dignified exit strategy, or you’ll lose her.

whumpthereitis · 09/01/2022 11:36

Also, the son is 16. He’s been given them by another adult, even if it is his sister. That’s his property now.

DickMabutt73962 · 09/01/2022 11:38

Sorry if it's already been suggested but number 1 guess is a Sugar Daddy. It's shockingly common now, especially amongst uni students.

Second is Only Fans Confused but hopefully not

XelaM · 09/01/2022 11:38

Maybe it's match betting which is innocent, but she might think you wouldn't like it

saraclara · 09/01/2022 11:38

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

I totally understand your concern, but seriously, this is an appalling way to go about things. You'll alienate them both, and she'll simply lie to you anyway. Please don't do this.

DickMabutt73962 · 09/01/2022 11:39

@SpiderinaWingMirror

Could be crypto currency or something like that.
This is a nice optimistic option
Muthalucka · 09/01/2022 11:39

She’s an adult as long as it’s not illegal why be so controlling?

PooPooPongDelong · 09/01/2022 11:39

Don't do that OP it's not going to achieve anything but resentment
The more you insist the more she'll dig her heels in
I get that you are worried but don't push her away
Just be supportive of her in the things that you know about

HangingOver · 09/01/2022 11:40

Sugardaddy I bet. Quite common with uni students.

FlasherMcGruff · 09/01/2022 11:40

I’d also hazard a guess at OnlyFans. You could say that the origins of the money from the gifts concerns you and you won’t accept them.

Gilda152 · 09/01/2022 11:41

Oh my god please don't send her a load of guff about sex work!! As someone else said it could just as easily be credit cards or something else. It's so assumptive and rude and also uni aged adults know FAR more about onlyfans than their parents thanks to tiktok , so you won't be educating her one bit. And if she's not doing that,you're just going to offend her on top. Please don't take that advice.

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