To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

[Curato]

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

Is deets and squares still a thing?

I think it’s so absolutely WEIRD to engage is “sex work” and then piss the money up the wall on tech for a 16yo. I say that as someone who adores my brother. If she’s spending that much money on him then she is “making” many times more than that, which suggests much more than an only fans account. Either escorting (but so weird - how much sex with how many blokes to buy an Apple Watch?) or sugar baby.
I think some sort of money mule or similar scam more likely - it’s “easy money” and lots of it so frivolous spending on third parties more likely.

@redbigbananafeet
I don't agree with porn, prostitution, surrogacy, cam work etc etc

Anything that encourages trafficking or abuse of women. Anything that makes us and our bodies a commodity.

It's not empowering. It's the biggest lie ever sold to the lib fems.

What I hope is that her DD has learnt online trading or something that can't ruin her future.

@Pinklemonade1

Am I the only person to not have a clue what onlyfans is?!!

Think of it like a YouTube channel where people pay a monthly subscription to watch someone's videos. The videos can be about anything (online yoga classes, knitting lessons, cooking, etc) but the vast majority of it is pornographic content. People (mostly women and couples) make sexual content and people can pay extra for custom content.

@XelaM

Maybe it's match betting which is innocent, but she might think you wouldn't like it

I thought this.

I did MB for a couple of years, and it did fund some big purchases exactly like the ones in the OP. I was extremely cagey about who I told because it’s so common for people to not really get how it works and think it’s gambling. I definitely wouldn’t have told my mum (and I’m in my forties).

I hope it’s nothing more sinister, op. I can see why everyone is assuming sex work, but it might not be that.

I believe it’s actually quite difficult to make really big amounts of money on onlyfans (but that’s just based on passing things I’ve picked up in reading news articles).

Cam work and OF is only "fine" (and I don't agree that it is) IF the person has ensured that they are unlocatable.

I'm pretty sure it was on here a while ago that someone who did this was followed home by a bloke who was a subscriber and it scared her very much (not surprisingly!)

People don't seem to realise that, just because they're doing something on their own behind a camera on a computer screen, they're still recognisable out and about, and if they haven't ensured all location data is switched off etc. then they are findable!

I agree with @Waferbiscuit that it IS staggering how many people (in general, not just on here) are ok with this - it's the "cool" reaction though, to be fine with it all.

I'm still not and I never will be.

I would say probably only fans too...maybe a sugar daddy.

Could be drugs but she might be less likely to show off her wealth if it was drug money...but if she's earning it from onlyfans then she might feel 'empowered' for now and feel great that she's earning all this money and feel like a bit of a business woman and wanted to treat her brother.
I would imagine she'd hide it more if it was drugs..but that's just a guess.

If it's onlyfans then her little brother will probably be mortified and not want the presents if he knew!

Even second hand they are still hundreds of pounds, and cost more then the DD should be able to afford

According to who though? If she's got herself a side job and has been saving the £100 OP gives her every month then there's no reason why she couldn't afford them! There's no saying she hasn't saved part of her student loan (like my DS did for deposit on his first flat), and been careful with her spending! She might have a bloody credit card for all anyone knows.

And yet all anyone can fixate on is OnlyFans, cam, sugar daddy blah blah blah.. honestly can't believe the first place your mind goes when it comes to a young woman with extra cash is that she's selling herself. Would you honestly think that if it was your own DD?

As more than one of us on this thread have also said, we had other income during a time when we should've been studying - mine was in a nightclub working til silly o'clock - and we didn't tell our parents not because it was something shameful but because we knew they'd be judgemental of the fact we were working when we should be studying. That's it. Nothing more heinous.

@GladAllOver

As above. As long as it's not dealing drugs.

Or money laundering! You could be in trouble if you allow goods interviewers your home that are associated with money laundering.

Did you miss the part where she didn't want to say what the job was?

Saving her loans - she'd tell you
Giving vaccines - she'd tell you
Influencer- someone would tell you!

She'd cagey, she's spending money in a way that is unusual for your family. Either she has got so used to the amount of money she has that she hadn't noticed that it stands out, or she's trying to make up for something/ say something.

Apologise for being heavy handed, tell her you were just a bit stunned.

Tell her that, even if she wants you to keep it secret, she may want to tell you so that someone knows, just in case she gets into trouble.

I can only imagine your confusion and feelings, overreacting at the beginning, but if you can have an open chat that would be great. That didn't mean she'll tell you, but at least she will know that your ONLY concern is that she is safe, now and longer term.

Credit card debt.
Easily done.
And not telling you out of fear you'd ask for the full amount owed.
Could be in the 10s of thousands already if she's on nights out with the card.
I'd keep asking and reassuring that you'll be there for her if it works out and if it doesn't.

I'd assume onlyfans.

Has she been similarly extravagant on items for herself? I could see a scenario where the 16 year old has splurged all his savings on things he wanted (knowing you would disapprove) and then they came up with a ruse where she pretended to give them to him as gifts to cover for him.

Nope. Quite apart from anything else, when I was at university if I had my own cash to piss around with I certainly wouldn’t be getting any of mum and dad’s. Either she’s an independent adult or she isn’t.

Why has nobody mentioned County lines? Just because she’s a female at university. They’re a prime target!

‘Nope. Quite apart from anything else, when I was at university if I had my own cash to piss around with I certainly wouldn’t be getting any of mum and dad’s. Either she’s an independent adult or she isn’t.’

^This.

She does not want to say where the money came from, as she knows you won’t approve.

Tell her you are concerned and need to know that she is keeping safe. She may be an adult, but she will always be your child.

Onlyfans or a very rich older boyfriend.

Why has everyone assumed the OP’s DD is engaged in some kind of sex work or drugs mule? Surely if that was the case she wouldn’t want to make anyone suspicious by flashing the cash. It’s probably something she knows her mother wouldn’t approve of but nothing sinister. What about an interest free student overdraft, a credit card, a night club “Bottle Girl” - they start at an hour rate of £10 ph plus tips, or as other pp have said some kind of betting/poker game?

It’s really sad that a majority of people have automatically thought the worst of her.

She probably doesn’t want to tell you yet so she can prove what ever she is doing isn’t affecting her grades.

Maybe OP's daughter is a commercial courrier pilot as a side hustle. Anything is possible.
But statistically, young women are conditioned and heavily encouraged to sell their bodies directly or through imagery from a very young age and they easily fall into this trap. It's the bell curve. It is an educated guess or informed risk.
That's why it is very likely to be something which she's sure her parents won't agree with and most likely something sexually or drug oriented.
It has nothing to do with thinking the worst of this individual. It has a lot to do with society pushing the worst paths onto young women.

Why has everyone assumed the OP’s DD is engaged in some kind of sex work or drugs mule?

Right?!

Holy shit this thread is fucking depressing.

Maybe she learned to code?
Maybe she's freelance writing? Maybe she designs websites? Maybe she has a YouTube channel? Maybe she sells courses? Trades Forex? Futures? Bitcoin? Founded an SaaS startup? Publishes? Social media manager? Affiliate marketing?

Or maybe like the 10001 other things you can do for a side hustle as a female online that's not OnlyFans and Surveys....

I don't tell my mum about half the shit I do because she just doesn't comprehend, and no amount of "it's not a scam / pyramid" will help her. Thank god she does have the sense not to accuse me of stripping and dealing drugs every time I've bought her something nice.

People assume onlyfans as it's huge & the DD doesn't want to tell her mum. I never said it was wrong. It's just some thing that lots fo to make decent cash. Selling stuff on eBay of a bit of bar work doesn't make big cash

@oiwiththepoodlesalready83

Why has everyone assumed the OP’s DD is engaged in some kind of sex work or drugs mule? Surely if that was the case she wouldn’t want to make anyone suspicious by flashing the cash. It’s probably something she knows her mother wouldn’t approve of but nothing sinister. What about an interest free student overdraft, a credit card, a night club “Bottle Girl” - they start at an hour rate of £10 ph plus tips, or as other pp have said some kind of betting/poker game?

It’s really sad that a majority of people have automatically thought the worst of her.

She probably doesn’t want to tell you yet so she can prove what ever she is doing isn’t affecting her grades.

This is what I said earlier in the thread. If DD was a DS, people would think poker, gaming, stock market etc, possibly dealing lol, but because OP's DD is female it's automatically assumed it has to be sex work.

It's not unreasonable to be worried and concerned, or to want to speak with her again.

It is unreasonable to 'insist' she tells you (as your DH has pointed out, she's an adult and it's not really you replace to insist anything).

It's also extremely unreasonable to use your DS and DD close relationship as a weapon/bargaining tool of sorts z which is what the confiscation threat sounds like.

A better approach would be to let her know you're concerned and that if funds are from illegal activity, you're not comfortable accepting them or having them in your home.

Your DD may simply be doing something (completely legal) that she doesn't want you to know about - and that's totally her right.

Log onto the afore mentioned websites and have a look. Speak to the uni. I understand she is an adult. But you need to know she's safe.

You won't be thinking like that if she ends up on the news. Yes she's an adult but... people manipulate and use people. Her life skills are limited.

Unscrupulous people do use others and unfortunately some end up ... well ... you know .... on the front page of the papers... lord fobid. But I'd rather know she's safe.

She is probably dancing, using an internet site or has a sugar daddy. Many students do it. Although with the student loan and working part time she could be earning £20,000.00+ a year. She doesn’t have to tell you and deep down you probably know where it’s coming from