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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

711 replies

Curato · 09/01/2022 09:43

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

OP posts:
RosiePosieDozy · 10/01/2022 20:49

Only fans or cam work most likely. Or she could have a sugar daddy or drug dealer boyfriend.

She's an adult yes but you're her mother. Keep doing your best to get her to be honest.

Dizzylizzy22 · 10/01/2022 20:56

@Waferbiscuit

Staggered at the number of posters stating 'it's not your business, keep out, don't be nosy, she's an adult' and how many others are okay with the idea of young girls taking their clothes off online for money.

Seriously wonder about what people consider to be okay and not. Good = online porn industry Bad = nagging your daughter out of concern.

^^ 😔
amitoooldforthisshit · 10/01/2022 20:57

camgirl...shes a camgirl

KurtWilde · 10/01/2022 21:04

Just wondering how long OP has been giving her DD £100 a month for.. maybe she hasn't needed it and been saving it up and has now decided to treat her brother with it. As PP said places like CEX and Cash Generator sell ore-owned items like she's bought him, not sure why everyone is assuming she bought them brand new!

AnnieSnap · 10/01/2022 21:04

I don’t see the value in you “confiscating” the gifts to your son until you “know where she got the money from”. They are gifts to him from an adults. If you do that, you will be excessively controlling and switch both your kids off from wanting to confide anything in you.

amusedbush · 10/01/2022 21:10

@KurtWilde

Just wondering how long OP has been giving her DD £100 a month for.. maybe she hasn't needed it and been saving it up and has now decided to treat her brother with it. As PP said places like CEX and Cash Generator sell ore-owned items like she's bought him, not sure why everyone is assuming she bought them brand new!
In the OP: ‘It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.’

I took ‘new’ to mean brand new.

AliceVHerts · 10/01/2022 21:10

YANBU to ask your daughter about how she has funded the recent purchases. The fact she hasn’t wanted to discuss her sideline would raise a red flag to me, as it’s likely something she knows you would not approve of. Of course she has the right to her privacy as an adult, so I’d make sure your approach is to express your concern. Emphasise that whilst material items can bring great joy, they are not essential and won’t last. A digital footprint however could affect her long term if she is involved in online sexual content. It could also affect future relationships and how she might feel about herself. All of which are hard to overcome and worth a lot more than electrical or other goods. It might be that she is very happy with her choices however in which case, you can only raise your concerns and check in regularly to see if anything changes.

HikingforScenery · 10/01/2022 21:19

I’d be very worried too and would probably stop DS taking the gifts if I could!

KurtWilde · 10/01/2022 21:19

In the OP: ‘It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch

Everything I've ever bought from cex and numerous other shops of the same ilk looks 'new' so unless OP is saying she presented these with the receipts then 'new' could easily be reconditioned items. Music Magpie and GiffGaff both sell items that are reconditioned and look brand new, too, yet at a fraction of the cost.

thenewduchessoflapland · 10/01/2022 21:20

Sugar baby?

hollytom · 10/01/2022 21:22

I haven’t read all the posts but a lot of young people are into trading. It could be that crypto currency or day trading

amusedbush · 10/01/2022 21:23

@KurtWilde

I’ve also bought stuff from Cex and Music Magpie (including both mine and DH’s MacBooks and DH’s Apple Watch) and they look good, generally come in the original box but they aren’t wrapped in plastic the way brand new ones are.

I guess only the OP can answer that question.

ChimChimeny · 10/01/2022 21:24

@KurtWilde

Just wondering how long OP has been giving her DD £100 a month for.. maybe she hasn't needed it and been saving it up and has now decided to treat her brother with it. As PP said places like CEX and Cash Generator sell ore-owned items like she's bought him, not sure why everyone is assuming she bought them brand new!
Even second hand they are still hundreds of pounds, and cost more then the DD should be able to afford
mixedkebab · 10/01/2022 21:25

I agree with @Waferbiscuit

My son is 21 and 3rd year at uni and I would be very concerned if he wasnt willing to tell me.

Having a good open relationship with your teen or adult kids does NOT mean they will tell you everything nor does it stop them making very big mistakes they later regret. And if you already have a good relationship expressing concern is not going to damage that forever more.

Jewel52 · 10/01/2022 21:25

Interesting that she choose clearly expensive presents that you’d pick up on??? Maybe conflicted about how she’s making her spends. But ultimately she’s an adult so you can’t decide for her

EachandEveryone · 10/01/2022 21:26

Maybe they are on contract or some kind of hp? Maybe she is giving vaccines my teenage niece is earning very good money giving them.

bigbeatmanifesto · 10/01/2022 21:29

Imo could be only fans and she doesn't want to tell you, or she's just picked up a job she doesn't think you'd approve of.

SortMyHouse · 10/01/2022 21:30

21:22hollytom

Most people don't know how to make money trading

mrbreezeet1 · 10/01/2022 21:39

Perhaps she is engaged in prostitution.

FuggyPidding · 10/01/2022 21:42

@Waferbiscuit

Staggered at the number of posters stating 'it's not your business, keep out, don't be nosy, she's an adult' and how many others are okay with the idea of young girls taking their clothes off online for money.

Seriously wonder about what people consider to be okay and not. Good = online porn industry Bad = nagging your daughter out of concern.

This ⬆️
Pinklemonade1 · 10/01/2022 22:06

Am I the only person to not have a clue what onlyfans is?!!

neveradullmoment99 · 10/01/2022 22:18

@anotherbrewplease

Yeah right -

I would be concerned if this was my daughter too - as she might feel fine about selling herself now, but how might it effect her further down the line? If she's not telling you what it is, of course it's something dodgy. Sad

I'm not sure what you can do about it though.

This. I would not be happy. I would have a conversation about doing things that may have repercussions down the line.
WorstXmasEver · 10/01/2022 22:28

It will be something sordid & your gut feeling is right.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/01/2022 22:34

💐

RoyalFamilyFan · 10/01/2022 22:36

@Pinklemonade1

Am I the only person to not have a clue what onlyfans is?!!
It is an online site where mainly women post sexual stuff for money.