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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

711 replies

Curato · 09/01/2022 09:43

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

OP posts:
BritMommyAbroad · 10/01/2022 19:32

I think you are right to be concerned. If she doesn’t want to share with you what this “side thing” is, then it’s probably reasonable to assume that it’s something she thinks you wouldn’t approve of.
However, she is an adult. She’s doesn’t have to seek your permission or share anything with you. Tread carefully and tactfully. Good luck OP.

grapewine · 10/01/2022 19:32

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

What?! It's not your son's fault. What a shitty thing to do to him.

wentworthinmate · 10/01/2022 19:33

If it's OnlyFans then leave her be. If men want to throw money at her then so be it. She is probably young and beautiful and if the cash comes rolling in make hay while the sun shines! Lots of students do it now and I frankly don't blame them.

Isaw3ships · 10/01/2022 19:37

Cammjng,
Sex work
Drugs
And at least the first 2 are legal.

Isaw3ships · 10/01/2022 19:39

If my child
Was doing any of those I’d be gutted.
I would also tell her you don’t want extravagant gifts for DS unless she tells you where the money is coming from I case she is committing fraud, or something g illegal.

tttigress · 10/01/2022 19:40

Maybe she has just borrowed the money.

I know people from Uni in the mid nineties that basically used their loans for electronics, fashion, clubbing and holidays.

KurtWilde · 10/01/2022 19:42

@tttigress

Maybe she has just borrowed the money.

I know people from Uni in the mid nineties that basically used their loans for electronics, fashion, clubbing and holidays.

I've suggested this too but everyone would rather focus on it being sex work. Quite sad how people are jumping to the most extreme conclusions about a young woman they don't even know.
Cakeofdoom · 10/01/2022 19:43

@Isaw3ships

Cammjng, Sex work Drugs And at least the first 2 are legal.
As long as the income tax is paid
Wreath21 · 10/01/2022 19:46

Given how heavy-handed your parenting approach seems to be anyway (confiscating the gifts she gave her brother, insisting she tell you her business) she probably doesn't want to discuss it with you even if it's something harmless, because she expects you will somehow find a way to spoil it for her.
Learn to mind your own business. She's an adult.

LaDamaDeElche · 10/01/2022 19:47

Could be matched betting. Loads of people make good money from that and she might not want you to know unless you though it was gambling. Could be doing the stock market too. There are other options apart from sex work. If it was a son doing this, I bet people wouldn't jump to those conclusions. They'd think it was poker or something like that.

smithboy · 10/01/2022 19:52

hi not sure if your serious you are , where i live its common for

mums work part time must be claiming E S A to live to well

and pay the mortgage and shop in blue water i seen it all or shop in lakeside essex while plenty of good shops around bromley , Dartford etc see the point even for filthy rich its a nanny state

HiJenny35 · 10/01/2022 19:52

You don't have any right to take away gifts she's given other people. She's an adult she doesn't have to tell you. You have every right to take away your £100 per months as that's your money but if I was being pushed at that age it would make me even more secretive. It could be only fans, I'd guess a jelly shot girl they can easily make over £100 per night on a weekend. You can tell her how worried it's making you and how whatever it is you'll try to understand but saying you're going to take the gifts away isn't the way.

Derkle · 10/01/2022 20:03

As a Mother myself, I'm like "Hold her down, force her to tell you, keep your baby safe!" ... Also as a Mother I'm like "You have to let her make her own way, her own decisions and her own mistakes." If there are no red flags besides excess money and she seems happy and safe, I think at the most you can sit her down and tell her you love her, you want her to be happy and safe, and she doesn't have to tell you if she doesn't want to, but if she does choose to tell you, you won't judge or be embarrassed. However, if she chooses to not tell you and things go bad to not hesitate to come to you for help.

Starwind74 · 10/01/2022 20:07

You haven’t said your son cannot have a new laptop or one of the other gifts because you are paying her £100 a month have you? If so perhaps she feels guilty about that, and that is why she is treating him.
As for how she got the money, do you know what her life is like at Uni, as if she is studying hard and working, perhaps she doesn’t spend much money, and may have saved some of it. Or as others have said she may be paying it off monthly.

Dibbydoos · 10/01/2022 20:12

I wish someone had told me I had beautiful hands before I hit 30! I'd have financed my degree being a hand model.

Not everything young people do is risky. Tell her you're worried. If she won't tell you, ask if she's doing anything illegal or risky. Take it from there.

She actually sounds really thoughtful tbh.

BoodleBug51 · 10/01/2022 20:14

I'd be very worried that she's using credit cards....... not sure I'd have leapt to sex work.

I think a gentle chat in terms of being worried is the best start.

Inastatus · 10/01/2022 20:20

@Derkle

As a Mother myself, I'm like "Hold her down, force her to tell you, keep your baby safe!" ... Also as a Mother I'm like "You have to let her make her own way, her own decisions and her own mistakes." If there are no red flags besides excess money and she seems happy and safe, I think at the most you can sit her down and tell her you love her, you want her to be happy and safe, and she doesn't have to tell you if she doesn't want to, but if she does choose to tell you, you won't judge or be embarrassed. However, if she chooses to not tell you and things go bad to not hesitate to come to you for help.
This is the approach I would take too @Derkle

Good luck OP.

Amitskitshaw · 10/01/2022 20:21

Just a thought but if she really didn’t want you to know she wouldn’t be buying extravagant gifts for her younger sibling knowing you would be aware. Could she actually be doing this because deep down she does want to talk with you about it. Can you reassure her that you won’t be judgemental, would she agree to tell some else, a close Aunty for example?

Wreath21 · 10/01/2022 20:23

It's also worth bearing in mind that it is perfectly possibly to buy good quality electrical goods second hand for lower prices. She might be a savvy shopper who goes to the likes of CEX (it's often a good hunting ground for bargains near Christmas as people who are expecting, or have been given, new devices sometimes sell on the old ones.)

Do you frequently snoop and interrogate on the grounds that you are assuming the worst, OP?

Bananarama21 · 10/01/2022 20:25

I'd find out the sex industry do target girls at university at home. I went to York University and worked in Jacksons supermarket and a customer came in and gave my a card for an essort agency. My other friend got into pole dancing in Leeds.

Tilltheend99 · 10/01/2022 20:25

@Cookerhood

If you are funding her university I think you have a right to know where her money is coming from. Apart from anything her income is part of household income for assessing what she is entitled to as a student loan. I would say that the expensive presents are actually a means to show you that she is earning money elsewhere. Most people would try to hide it.
Since when is a student’s part time job classed as family income for student loan assessment? Do you mean income based grants or something? How would anyone make money to pay for food/travel etc at Uni if it was counted against their loan amount?
Bumpsadaisie · 10/01/2022 20:27

I get why you are concerned. But you have asked, she won't tell, all you can do is gently explain your concern and leave it.

I also think the presents are OTT - she must have upstaged your presents and how can your DS ever reciprocate? I get that it is a lovely gesture that she wants to splash out on him, but still ...

LAURAMINIMAQ88 · 10/01/2022 20:29

Probably only fans or something similar, sorry op 😪
My friends daughter did this at uni.
Her mom was in pieces but at the end of the day, she's an adult making her choices

mia778 · 10/01/2022 20:31

Probably cam work or something similar. If she’s safe it’s fine. I have a son the same age the problem is if you pry too much she may push you away, at the end of the day she’s an adult . Very generous of her !

Waferbiscuit · 10/01/2022 20:42

Staggered at the number of posters stating 'it's not your business, keep out, don't be nosy, she's an adult' and how many others are okay with the idea of young girls taking their clothes off online for money.

Seriously wonder about what people consider to be okay and not. Good = online porn industry Bad = nagging your daughter out of concern.

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