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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

711 replies

Curato · 09/01/2022 09:43

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

OP posts:
OnTheB · 10/01/2022 17:44

Shes an adult.. she can do as she wants, whether you agree with what she is doing or not.
She doesn't have to tell you anything. When you then confiscate your DS gifts to get an answer, how do you think that will go?
No wonder she doesn't want to speak with you! I wouldn't either.

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 10/01/2022 17:47

@Curato

I am coming back it’s just I have not had the chance to speak to dd yet as she said she was busy yesterday when I messaged her asking for a chat. I have read all the responses and taken on board the comments about not pushing her away.

I am going to take the advice of saying that I love and am worried for her and what she may have got herself into and that she can tell me anything and that I will help in anyway I can.

Are you giving her "pocket money"? It doesn't seem she needs it? I got nothing from my parents at uni. I doubt she will grow up with much respect for money being showered with cash like this.
Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 10/01/2022 17:50

My guesses are credit cards…we lived the life of Riley as students because of being targeted for credit cards and overdrafts during uni. Lots of designer clothes and I only drank Evian!

Only Fans or similar (lots of people have mentioned this)

My BIL has made a mint as a professional poker player. Took up online gambling as a student and turned out to have a knack for it. Now gets staked in games by multimillionaires. Like you his parents were super worried about how he was seemingly rolling in it without even having a part time job!

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 10/01/2022 17:56

Id also advise her that if she’s doing something like onlyfans then it may affect her job prospects if she’s is recognised

DanceItOut · 10/01/2022 17:56

You aren’t unreasonable to be worried but if she is 18 or over then you are unreasonable to force her to tell you because she’s made it clear she isn’t going to tell you. I’ve seen all sorts of enterprising sorts at university while I’ve been there (as a mature student in my 30s) some make money doing booze runs for people or playing designated driver. Some sell essays or essay plans. Some even sell positive lateral flow tests to get people out of classes. And yes there are obviously those doing things like selling drugs too. There’s two girls in one of my classes that are cam girls for money. They basically just talk to people and pose in front of cameras in a lacy underwear. They sometimes go topless or tug the bottom of the underwear down but the place they do it for doesn’t generally have them going further than that.

Dontwanttolivewithmylover · 10/01/2022 17:56

Would you be thrilled to know she was baring her booty and boobs and whatever else for the gratification of a certain kind of male?
Would SHE be thrilled if YOU did it, and it's by no means just for the young and beautiful?
You can get weirdos who take a fancy to a female, find out their details (not hard on SM, especially with young people who aren't very circumspect) follow to pubs and if they get snubbed.. well, we won't go there but you know what I mean.
I'd be horrified and ashamed if my daughters or granddaughters peddled their wares online for saddos to gawk over and possibly keep the photos for ongoing gratification.

hivemindneeded · 10/01/2022 18:00

@DanceItOut

You aren’t unreasonable to be worried but if she is 18 or over then you are unreasonable to force her to tell you because she’s made it clear she isn’t going to tell you. I’ve seen all sorts of enterprising sorts at university while I’ve been there (as a mature student in my 30s) some make money doing booze runs for people or playing designated driver. Some sell essays or essay plans. Some even sell positive lateral flow tests to get people out of classes. And yes there are obviously those doing things like selling drugs too. There’s two girls in one of my classes that are cam girls for money. They basically just talk to people and pose in front of cameras in a lacy underwear. They sometimes go topless or tug the bottom of the underwear down but the place they do it for doesn’t generally have them going further than that.
I think this post belittles the long term impact. Imagine OP's daughter later in life, in a position of power or responsibility, if those photos were released. She's not going to get the Headship/CEO position etc. She should but she won't. We really need women to aim higher and not think their bodies are their highest worth. And we really need to discourage men from seeing women as commodities they can command at the click of a button.
hivemindneeded · 10/01/2022 18:01

I also don't believe any girl comes into that sort of money selling positive lateral flows!

Bebethany · 10/01/2022 18:01

MrMistoffee I agree. If it is Only fans or Pocket Stars etc, good luck to her. Just a little back story, I’ve not long had some plastic surgery, took me a year to save for it. Met two women at the clinic, it took them 2 weekends to have 7k each worth of surgery! All within the safety of their own homes!

Hugoslavia · 10/01/2022 18:02

I just made the mistake of googling 'only fans'. The creator was arrested three days ago for obscenity. Also, in the news, a man who poses topless with his...erm...dad! Good god. That turned my stomach!

TwoBrownSugars · 10/01/2022 18:04

I've not read the whole thread, but if it were my DD, then I'd have thought/assumed it was through giving tutorials/grinds. My DD is very good academically, and she used grinds for her A-levels. In Uni she saw an opportunity. My DD gives grinds for 1st and 2nd years for Java, Python and VB programming. She makes very good money on it, but I'm always concern about tax implications, since it is an informal setup.

I would have totally discounted the OnlyFans, if it were not that I know of people who've tried that. I know nothing about it, but would expect there is no way to make that kind of money.

Of course, drugs is a scary possibility too.

Ashton22 · 10/01/2022 18:04

In my opinion you’re just being nosey and think you have a right to know. As long as she’s safe and it’s not illegal it’s really none of your business. Confiscating the items is so controlling and you should have more respect.

KurtWilde · 10/01/2022 18:05

My DS barely spent any of his student loan and worked to cover his bit of rent and general odds and sods he needed so he could use the loan to put a deposit on a flat for him and his girlfriend when they left uni.

My brother saved his and bought a car with it! My exh spent his on driving lessons!

For all OP knows her DD has hung on to her student loan, got a part time job to cover her living expenses and gets her extras from the £100 they give her each month!

But no let's jump straight to sex work.

Sorebum · 10/01/2022 18:08

F to return. Going through similar with SD

maybloss2 · 10/01/2022 18:11

Hi op, I think as some have said here that voicing your concern as her parent is a must BUT not with any underlying shame or judgement as that will really alienate her.
I agree that saying to her that because she won’t tell you you are now concerned she’s maybe doing something that she will later regret, or that someone else has got her into. Ask her if she feels safe and happy.
Point out the guardian link that’s been quoted on here.
I really feel for you. My daughter told me when she was around 18 that she was thinking of going to London to do pole dancing to earn loads of money. I asked about the possibility of me doing the laps and her doing the poles as a mother / daughter combo -that there would be ‘punters’ who would really like that. She was aghast. When I asked her why, if it’s ok for you why not for me? we were then able to have a conversation about how risky it is and about all the other issues of exploitation.
I think it’s fair to voice concern and even say that you don’t like it if that’s the case. BUT be really careful of pushing her away from you as she needs you as her safe place if things go awry. Having said all of that she is an adult. Good luck
Xxxxx

MMBaranova · 10/01/2022 18:12

I’m 31. I’m not a second year university student and not the typical age of one. However, I am not so far removed in age that friends and family will not have links to those who are at a non-parental level. From what I pick up from reading, being told, deducing, overhearing, glimpsing etc. is that many in that general age group are ‘monetising their sex’, or attempting to. The ratio may well be 99:1 female to male and many dip in and fail / back off or make very little. Some clearly are doing very well.

There seems to be quite a ‘feet’ thing going on for instance. That I can’t get my head around. As many have said ‘sugar dating’ and onlyfans are possible candidates here.

My three stray thoughts are:

  1. Buying tech items for a brother is generous, shows the scale of funds she has to hand and is possibly a sign. This isn’t slipping him £100. You are all supposed to know.

  2. There must be more money, mustn’t there? I suppose that goes on either the much talked about ‘lavish lifestyle’ and/or is put away for the future.

  3. Images are persistent, if that’s what she is selling.

I feel that I only spot the tip of this iceberg. Quite what the student on this thread is up to, I don’t really know, but we have a wider set of issues here that so many of us are now discussing.

Hugoslavia · 10/01/2022 18:12

Further googling on the topic of 'only fans' reveals that they have been criticized for hosting child porn on their site. That alone should be reason not to use it.

Starwind74 · 10/01/2022 18:12

I find it strange that she is spending so much on her brother! , rather than herself, or spreading it around amongst other relatives and friends. Does he perhaps know where the money comes from. and she is bribing him to keep quiet !

Bangolads · 10/01/2022 18:14

It’s probably web-camming sex work or sugar daddy stuff, if she’s an adult she doesn’t have to tell you. Maybe approach her with a gentle and open mind and just offer non judgemental support.

madroid · 10/01/2022 18:14

Don't bother telling her personal tutor they won't be interested and don't get involved in stuff like this.

August1980 · 10/01/2022 18:15

Just had to say I didn’t know what onlyFans was. Had to Google Grin

Bangolads · 10/01/2022 18:17

Having read through some of these comments of run a mile from MN. They’re silly, ill-informed and if you take the stance so many seem to take likely to force your daughter to turn her back on you. Listen to the voices here that advise gentle non judgmental support.

ChampagneLassie · 10/01/2022 18:18

@PlanktonsComputerWife

I would not leap to suspect sex work.Confused Especially as hardly anyone makes any real money from onlyfans.

At university I made shedloads in cash from tutoring foreign students in English and proofreading their essays.

But you probably wouldn't have had a problem telling your mum about that!
Plumbuddle · 10/01/2022 18:19

@MrMistoffee

Oh, and if she's happy, confident and safe doing whatever it is then there's no need for you to be ashamed of it. (Which is probably why she won't tell you as she thinks that would be your reaction)
It's not shame I would feel, but fear!
Usernamerequired · 10/01/2022 18:26

#onlyfans could be just pictures of her feet or hands-people are in to all sorts not just porn. Not saying i’d be happy letting any of my daughters do it. Remind her that this could bite her in the ass when seeking a career as the internet is forever